


You've Got A Lot Of Heart

by Inrainbowz



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec has a motorbike, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Architect student!Alec, Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Background Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago, Bipolar Disorder, Communication, Dating, Developing Relationship, Family Drama, Family Feels, Fighting, Friendship feels too, Graphic designer!Magnus, M/M, Sexual Content, Slow Build, a lot of it, not a lot of it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-11 19:37:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 119,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7905019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inrainbowz/pseuds/Inrainbowz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec is working his summer away on an internship and community service (it's a long story), and trying to mend his family. He's never been very good at talking to people and making friends, so he feels reasonably proud of himself when he manages to offer that handsome stranger a ride home.</p><p>And well, maybe he'll see that Magnus Bane again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello people! I'm back home and ready to dive back into that pairing (will I ever get over them? I don't think so). 
> 
> I love AUs very much, and especially long All-Human-Modern-Setting-Normal-Life-Lets-Fall-In-Love AU. I read a lot, and I feel like writing my own now.
> 
> So this will probably be quite long, and also not regularly updated 'cause I didn't sell my soul to Satan. And maybe there won't be much happening. Like they meet, and talk and they have their problems and jobs to deal with, and their friends and family, and they go out, and all. No grand scheme or plot I guess. I don't know. I'm bad at plot.
> 
> Okay so I hope you'll like it. Let me know! NightChanger is still to be thanked for the corrections. Enjoy.
> 
> Title is from The Killers, Be Still
> 
>  
> 
> _Don't break character_  
>  _You've got a lot of heart_  
>  _Is this real or just a dream?_  
>  _Rise up like the sun_  
>  _Labor till the work is done_

There was a guy asleep in the middle of the common room.

Now, workers chilling or having quick naps on the colourful chairs and sofas wasn’t that unusual. This was a modern graphic design company with a modern take on workplaces, with inspirational quotes painted on the walls, a pinball in the cafeteria, and all kinds of rooms in different shapes and forms with designed furniture. 

So yeah, it was all pretty laidback, but it was also close to eleven in the evening: Alec was finishing cleaning up the floor before locking the place for the night, and he was sure he was alone before stumbling on that guy, sleeping in the common room. 

He had shooed the late workers stuck at their desk earlier, but he felt kind of bad for disturbing this one. He rolled his cart as discreetly as possible, picking up the trash and putting away the misplaced books and magazines laying around. Soon enough though, he had no choice but to make his way towards the occupied couch.

Alec stood awkwardly next to the man. He was lying on his back, his bare feet hanging off the sofa, hands linked on his stomach. What should he do? Call for him, tap his shoulder? In the end he elected to poke him lightly, hoping he wouldn’t have to really shake the stranger awake.

Fortunately, the man stirred immediately, scrunching his nose and frowning, before he abruptly leaped into a sitting position, almost knocking his forehead against Alec’s nose, who took a step back just in time. Alec chuckled, amused, as the man looked around him with a puzzled expression, clearly trying to put the pieces together.

“Well that was a very long nap,” was what he said first, making Alec laugh even more. The sound caught the man’s attention. Alec sobered up, not wanting to seem too rude.

“I’m sorry for waking you up, but I have to finish cleaning and call it a day. You can’t stay all night here. Sorry.”

There was some offices in the building for late work, middle of the night conference call and urgent assignment wrap up, but it was two floors down, and the guy didn’t seem like he would get any more work done this night. He was rubbing his eyes blearily, smudging eyeliner on his temples. He looked Asian, slender eyes outlined with day old make up and black hair styled up, dressed in the casual smart they all seemed to enjoy here, although with a bit more flourish. 

Alec couldn’t help but notice that he was quite handsome. 

“That’s a good thing, I would have slept here all night. I was right in assuming I was too tired to make it home when I crashed here.”

“Tough day?”

“Tough months, really. But I finished that dreadful episode of my professional life today. I actually wanted to go out and celebrate but seeing that it’s already…”

The guy took an absentminded look at his watch, before doubling up.

“Holy shit it’s that late?” he exclaimed, eyes going wide. He cursed a few more times as Alec watched him, a bit dumbfounded. 

“Oh well, that’s just great. Do you mind if I hang out here a bit longer? I just missed my train and the next one is in an hour.”

Alec blinked, having trouble following the man. 

“You can but I’m almost done, I’ll have to throw you out. I’m sorry.”

“Oh. It’s okay, don’t worry.”

The man sat up properly and tried to straighten his printed shirt and suit vest. He loosened the thin tie strapped neatly around his long neck. He even had suspenders holding well-fitted pants, and dress shoes, although those were currently lying abandoned next to the couch. Every bit the cool and fashionable graphic designer.

“Where do you live?” blurted Alec without thinking. The man eyed him suspiciously, with reasons. Alec flayed a bit.

“I’m sorry I… I’m Alec Lightwood, and I drive here. I can maybe give you a ride? If you don’t feel like taking the train so late,” he tried to explain, wondering what had possessed him to suggest it in the first place.

He had made a habit of driving some co-workers home after his shift, but it was a bit weird to propose this to an employee of the firm, and a total stranger no less. Stranger who seemed to find it weird too, for he didn’t say anything, pondering. Not really knowing what to do, Alec picked up his task, tidying the room. He was closing the trash bag when the man spoke again.

“I’m Magnus Bane,” he said brightly. He was smiling, having seemingly decided that Alec was non-threatening. “I live in Brooklyn, and I’ll be thankful for a ride, if it’s not too far off your route.”

It was way off Alec’s route, but Magnus was smiling, and he was really handsome.

“Yeah, ok, it’s no problem. Let me finish here and we can go.”

He figured that lying about where one lived to take a good looking man back home wasn’t the worst that had been done in the history of trying to spend more time with attractive people. Plus, it wasn’t a bother. He would be home soon enough. It was quite worth it in Alec’s humble opinion. 

Magnus gathered his things, unplugging his phone, charging on a table nearby and putting his shoes back on, while Alec wrapped up his work. By the time he had locked his supplies back in the janitor's closet and turned off the lights, Magnus was waiting by the elevator, checking his reflection in the shining doors. 

“Such a mess,” Alec heard him complain, dramatically, as he tried to fix the sticking hairs of his undercut. Alec disagreed silently. Magnus looked more than fine in his book. 

They rode the elevator to the parking lot in silence. Alec couldn’t do small talk, let alone with complete strangers, let alone with complete strangers he was attracted to. His sister Isabelle always said that’s why he never had any dates. It was hard to ask someone out if you couldn’t get out a word to them. 

He saw Magnus come to a halt at his side when he saw where they were heading. He felt stupid.

“Yeah, uh… I should have told you…”

“I have to admit that’s not the ride I had in mind,” said Magnus playfully, eyeing the shining bike Alec was unlocking from the rack. He didn’t seem put off though, so Alec counted it as a win.

“It’s… okay with you?”

“Yeah, no problem. It’s been a long time since I got on one of those things, but I like it. My ex used to drive us around on hers.”

As soon as he said it, Magnus seemed to darken slightly. Alec had the feeling it wasn’t the kind of ex he was still hanging out with. 

“I always drive my little sister everywhere, she calls at the most random times for me to pick her up, so I have an extra helmet,” Alec explained to change the subject. He got out two helmets from the seat and handed one to the other man, who fastened it with practiced ease. 

“So, where to?” asked Alec, before putting his on. 

Magnus gave him an address in Brooklyn Heights, not too far from the bridge. Once again he had Izzy to thank for his knowledge of New York – she had friends and shops she wanted to go to in the most random places of the city. He checked the map on his phone to be sure.

“Ok, I think I see. Well, let’s go.”

Alec got on the bike and Magnus quickly followed, again with an ease showing he was indeed quite used to it. Magnus put his hands on Alec’s side, a thing he had shamefully thought about when he had suggested the ride. He was a terrible person.

“Ready?” he asked.

“Ready,” came the helmet-muffled voice of the man behind him. Alec light up the bike, and off they went. 

His mother didn’t like that he drove the bike, but again she didn’t like anything her children did, if it took after her. She didn’t like them to box even if she was managing a boxing ring with their father, she didn’t want them to go out and party when she had been a notorious partier in her youth, and she frowned upon his and his brother’s bikes, even if the two others in their garage were hers.

He wondered if she didn’t want them to be gay because she was too. The thought made him both laugh and grit his teeth. 

They were racing through the lively streets of New York, not as fast as he would sometimes do when he was alone, but faster than if it had been Magnus’s first time on the bike. The man didn’t seem to mind: his grip was firm but not overly tight, and Alec felt him move a bit on his back, probably looking at one side of the road and the other. The wind was rushing around them, the sounds of the streets passing them by in a chorus of music and voices.  
Alec liked this sensation above all else. He always had the impression, for the briefest of moments, that he could go anywhere, outrun anything, never stop. For those few minutes, he felt free.

And then of course, they had to arrive at Magnus’s address. It was a good feeling, but it never lasted long.

Alec parked in front of an old but renovated brownstone, dark brick walls pierced with high windows, all in all very classy and fitting the man behind him. Magnus dismounted with grace and his hair was still perfectly styled when he took off his helmet, a fact that Alec thought quite unfair. 

“Well, that’s me. Thank you for the ride, you’re my saviour,” said Magnus smoothly, flashing him an easy smile. Alec felt a bit blinded.

“It’s okay, no problem.”

An awkward silence ensued, where Alec danced from foot to foot, racking his brain to find something else to say. 

“Goodnight then,” supplied Magnus. Alec was looking somewhere for enough courage to ask the man his number, or at least end the encounter on a more hopeful note, but nothing came. After even more awkward silence and shuffling, and a strangled “G’night” from Alec, Magnus turned around with a last friendly smile and entered the building, leaving his driver standing next to his bike like an idiot. He cursed himself for his typical lack of word coherency and hopped back on the bike, to ride the long way back.

It was the middle of the summer, the air was warm and heavy, the streets alive and crowded. Between his internship and the hours with the cleaning agency he didn’t get to enjoy it though. He still lived at his parent’s home, entering his last year of Architecture studies at the City College in the fall, which promised to be heavy on the workload. It would have been nice to get some free time during summer break, but he needed experience and money. As for the cleaning hours… Well. There was nothing he could do about it either.

He parked the bike in the garage and entered the house as quietly as possible. His mother would still shun him the next day for coming home late and disturbing the house. She was the lightest sleeper, and she didn’t like him staying out too late. Never mind that he was working, and didn’t have the choice anyway. He had his internship to get to in the morning, so he went straight to his bedroom, hoping he wouldn’t find anyone on his way.

“Alec!”

No such luck.

“Hey Izzy,” he greeted his baby sister. She was standing in her bedroom door in her pyjamas, her long black hair pulled up in a lose bun and a devious grin on her face. He sighed, waiting for her to ask what she wanted to ask.

“You’re home late.”

“I was working.”

“With anyone?”

He rolled his eyes. Why she was so interested in his love life, he would never know. He had to be thankful she wasn’t too nosy, but she still looked at every man that so much as crossed his path a potential love interest. 

“Are you referring to the other workers doing their time as cleaning agents?” he asked sarcastically while entering his room. She followed him and sat cross-legged on his bed as he changed.

“Is it so bad?” she asked, a little bit concerned. Alec thought about Magnus laying on the couch, his fancy messenger bag lying around on the floor, the rings sparkling on his fingers.

“No. It’s not so bad,” he said cryptically, hoping she wouldn’t catch on his thought. Unfortunately, she was way too in tune with his emotions, and she spotted his stupid dreamy expression immediately.

“Wait, really?” she squealed. “Someone caught your eyes? Who is it? Is he hot?”

“Izzy, stop,” he pleaded, joining her on his bed. “Where is Jace?”

“Don’t think I’m dropping the subject, but as a matter of fact, Jace is out for the night.”

Alec escaped a worried exclamation.

“It’s okay, he just went to see Clary. I think,” she said, biting her lips. She couldn’t hide that she was worried too. Alec cursed. 

“You can’t always keep him out of trouble,” she said gently. “He can do whatever he wants you know. For better or worse, he’s a responsible adult. Well, he’s an adult.”

They laughed a little, but the air was tense.

“Soooo,” she purred, not losing sight of her own interest and wanting to bring them back to better thoughts. “What about that mystery guy? Tell me everything.”

“Why?”

“I’m going through a sad, depressing patch of my love life. I need to experience someone else’s. Get some action by procuration.”

“That’s disgusting,” he commented, but didn’t dare add anything. As light as she was trying to play it, he knew she was way more affected than was she was letting on by what had happened with her latest boyfriend. She dated a lot, but he had the impression she wouldn’t be back in that game for some time, something their mother would probably be happy about. A good thing she had no idea of the exact reason why. Sometimes they regretted not being able to be honest with their parents, but it wasn’t something they felt like they could overcome. Maryse was loving and caring, but she had a set of principle she would never stray from and she expected her children to do the same. And their father didn’t really had a voice in the matter, or in any matter really. Her words were law. That’s why they had done all of their teenage rebellion behind their parents’ back. Well, Izzy and Jace. Alec had assumed the role of the watchful big brother. Someone had to keep them out of trouble.

A task he had failed quite spectacularly, recently.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me,” Izzy said, pulling him out of his thoughts. She had mistaken his pensive silence for reluctance. He shook his head.

“There’s just not much to tell. I gave a cute guy a ride home, and I may or may not have gone way out of my way because he batted his eyelashes and I’m weak in front of confident and well-dressed men.”

“It’s because you’re neither well-dressed nor confident. You’re too impressed to resist,” she teased, grinning. He shoved her lightly but conceded she had a point. 

“So, I suppose you didn’t manage to ask him out,” she stated.

“Obviously,” he deadpanned. She tapped him on his shoulder in mock comfort. “I managed to offer a ride. That’s already far more than what I thought I could manage.”

“It’s okay big bro, one day you’ll find a man who will love you despite your speech impediment.”

They laughed, trying to stay quiet not to attract their mother to the room. Izzy was leaning against him, smiling happy and relaxed, so of course he had to ruin the mood by adding:

“I still have twenty more hours to go so maybe I’ll see him again.”

He regretted saying it immediately, as her smile fell from her face and she sat back, averting his gaze.

Yeah, not only was Alec incapable of speech most of the time, but even when he managed to talk, he always said the wrong thing. Really, it was a curse.

“I’m sorry,” whispered Izzy, for about the millionth time. He took her hands in his, but he didn’t know what to say. He never did. Jace was the smooth talker, but Jace wasn’t here, because he was avoiding them both, even if he tried to deny it. Alec knew they both felt guilty. He felt guilty too. It was a guilt-fest.

“Please don’t be,” he asked. “You don’t have to. Please, don’t be.”

Where did people find their words? Why was it so hard to shape his emotions into sentences, to give reassurance and love? It was a good thing she knew him so well. She could at least understand his feelings, even if he barely could himself. 

“Can I sleep in here tonight?” she asked, and he realized that’s why she had been awake and waiting to hear his footsteps in the corridor, why she had ambushed him a soon as he had returned. She used to come to him when she had nightmares as a child, to curl up against his back on his small bed. It had been so long since she had needed that kind of comfort, and Alec was reminded once again how badly he had failed her. 

“Of course.”

They lied down, facing each other, not knowing what else to say. As Izzy dozed off, her lips curled into a small smile as she whispered softly:

“I hope you see him again.”

He doubted he would. And what would he do, even if they did run into each other again? It took him a long time to fall asleep – despite himself, he was desperately waiting to hear Jace coming home, to no avail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's chapter one. I have five for now, all about 3k long. A few notes before I let you go:  
> -There will be a lot of the Lightwood siblings in this. Like, a lot.  
> -I don't know where the bike came from but I'm keeping it for sure.  
> -Alec is entering final year of Architecture because I AM entering final year of Architecture, and I won't suffer this alone. But I'm french, so this will be based on the french way of doing this. This also mean my knowledge of New York and the US is Wikipedia based, bear with me.
> 
> I'm Inrainbowz on tumblr, come say hi!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They do meet again. What a twist. And then proceed to have a mild crisis about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so bad with WIP. I keep coming back and changing things, keep reading the notes because one day it will say "I'm sorry I changed something in the previous chapter". Anyway, here is chapter 2, enjoy!

Magnus worked until he noticed the cleaning agents arriving at his floor to work their shift before packing his things and heading out.

It wasn’t completely out of line of him, he reasoned. Someone had needed to stay back and wait for their client's answer to their latest proposal. It wasn’t so unusual of him to volunteer for putting in extra work. Not that common but not shocking either. So what if it had been exactly one week since Alec brought him home on the evening he had fallen asleep at work? He had casually noticed that the working schedule of the cleaning agents was weekly based – noticed or asked the building manager, but it was whatever. Now he happened to have finished reviewing the answer and drafted their reply to be approved by the team the next day, and he could go home. Really, it was all very convenient. 

He was a lying liar who lied.

The fact that he hadn’t piped a word about it to his friends was proof enough. They would have pestered him and advised him to be careful, as they always did, and he didn’t want to hear it this time. He had been careful. Way too careful, so careful, in fact, that he hadn’t pursued anyone, or even tried to act on any attraction, in so long, he couldn’t remember how long exactly. Even now, when he was just walking around the floor on the off chance of maybe running into a particular cleaning agent again, he didn’t feel careful enough. 

Had he told them about their impromptu meeting and subsequent bike sharing of the week before, they would have bothered him enough to discourage him from trying anything.

He knew they meant well, and honestly, it would have been wiser of him to listen to them. It would have done him well in the past, to hear their warning about his various (mis)adventures. And even if he denied it, he was starting to really believe them when they told him he had the worst taste in partners and the worst luck in love. 

Magnus was too busy worrying about the disapproving face his friend, Ragnor, would make when he heard about this to notice there was a cleaning cart rolling toward him. That was, until he collided quite painfully against said cart.

“Oh angels I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was… Magnus?”

The Magnus in question raised his head and remembered promptly that Alec was quite the tall fellow. Before he found his voice again, the man had apologized four more times and was looking increasingly distressed. Magnus smiled.

“It’s okay, I was daydreaming, my bad. Is your shift starting now?” he asked casually, as if he didn’t know the answer.

“Yeah, I just arrived.”

Alec, Magnus had noticed, was not very skilled at carrying on a conversation. Fortunately for both of them, Magnus found it impossibly cute for one, and for two, he himself had more than enough talent in the area to compensate. 

“I’m glad I quite literally bumped into you, I wanted to thank you again for last time.”

“It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry, maybe I’m keeping you? You must be pretty busy,” asked Magnus, feeling a bit selfish.

“Yeah, I mean no, well, I have work but I… I don’t mind,” Alec managed to answer with a confused shake of his head, a mix between a yes and a no. Alec’s uncertainty and hesitations made him look younger than he probably was, and more harmless than his height and body could have suggested. Not that he couldn’t do some manhandling if it came to it, Magnus thought, before berating himself for not keeping his head out of the gutter.

“What, me bothering you?” he couldn’t help but tease, and was rewarded by a light blush but a surprisingly straightforward answer.

“It’s no bother,” declared Alec quite seriously, like he was admitting something very important, and very true. It was Magnus’s turn to feel a bit vulnerable. 

“I still have to let you work,” was all he answered, instead of the flirting line he had in mind.

“Yeah, I guess that would be better,” Alec piped lamely. Magnus was vaguely aware that they were indeed in the middle of the corridor and that life was supposed to keep going around them, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He had waited specifically to ask Alec out, but now that he was there he was a bit struck. He had been out of it the last time, had just registered that the man seemed nice and was good looking, but it felt a bit more than that now. He was more than nice and more than good-looking. Magnus was entranced.

It scared the shit out of him. 

“Huh, yeah, so, I need to… to pass. Please,” asked Alec quietly, and Magnus realized that he was standing right in front of his cart and preventing him from moving. He took a sidestep with the dooming realization that he wasn’t going to be able to say anything more. He was half praying for Alec to make the next move, but it was clear that the young man was quite shy and a bit lost. Alec passed him with a little “see you” that Magnus, speechless like he rarely was, barely managed to answer to before the man had turned the corner. Alec turned to smile an uncertain smile at him before disappearing. Magnus felt like hitting his head against the wall. 

.

“It was so goddamn embarrassing,” whined Magnus a few hours later, inside of his wine glass. 

“There, there,” said his friend Catarina with a kind but amused smile.

“I see you smiling you know. You have no heart.”

They were sitting on her couch and halfway through a bottle of red wine, which was probably the reason why he felt even more stupid and miserable than he had when he had exited his workplace.

“I’m sorry. It’s funny to see you so worked up that’s all.”

The “it’s been a long time” was left unsaid, but they knew each other well. Magnus had gone to her because she was the only one of his friend who wouldn’t make (too much) fun of him. His love affairs were often the butt of the group’s joke, due to his ability to always get into impossible situations with the strangest people. After the few last ones though, the joke had turned a bit sour, and it wasn’t so funny anymore. It was all fun and flirt until you got really hurt. 

“It’s nice,” he conceded with a small smile. It really was, as terrible as the encounter had been. He had always loved this part. The early beginning. When it was only you and your crush, the stupid schemes and the daydreaming. It was the only part where nothing had ever gone wrong for him. He had a bad experience in mind for every single step of a relationship after that, right up to the proposal part. Failed proposal, as it was. 

He knocked back his glass of wine. 

“Nothing is lost. If he is as awkward as you say, he won’t mind a bit of awkwardness from yourself. He can probably sympathize. It can even win you some points, if he feels like he can relate. And it’s easy for you to see him again. You just have to try once more.”

Magnus gazed into the bottom of his empty glass, wondering.

“Aren’t you going to… to warn me against it? To talk me out of it?” he asked.

“Do you want me to?” she countered gently. He thought about it for a while.

“Maybe,” he sighed. “I won’t be reasonable, that’s for sure. Do you really think I should go for it?”

“Magnus,” Catarina said seriously, putting a hand on his shoulder to grab his attention, “I know Ragnor and Rafael are terribly insensitive about this, but you are not, in fact, cursed. More importantly, you’re not to blame for how you’ve been hurt, and you’re certainly not to be blamed for still wanting to try. If anything, it’s worthy of praise. You deserve to be loved, and it’s brave of you to put yourself out there. I believe it will come back to you, eventually. I would hate to see you quit trying.”

Magnus said nothing, both because he didn’t really know what to say and because he was afraid his voice would betray his emotions if he tried to use it. That right there was why he had come to see Catarina and not anyone else. 

“Thank you,” he eventually said.

.

“I completely freaked him out,” complained Alec from where he was moping on Izzy’s bed. She had seemed down when he had arrived from work, and since he wasn’t great either, he had figured his misery would put her out or hers. 

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” she answered with an attempted serious tone betrayed by the mocking grin she couldn’t quite keep off her face.

He had managed at least that. 

“Why do I keep forgetting that statistically speaking, all the people I meet must be straight?”

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” she chuckled.

“It was. I told him I was okay with him bothering me, and he couldn’t get away fast enough.”

“Maybe he was just busy. No offence Alec, but I know you and you couldn’t flirt to save your life. I’m sure there was nothing suggestive in what you said. I’m willing to bet you wouldn’t be able to embarrass a straight guy if you tried.”

“Somehow that sounds both like a good and a bad thing. Well, it doesn’t matter. What would he want to do with me anyway?” he said, getting up to go back to his own room, now that the matter was closed.

A knock on the door prevented Izzy from answering that. Jace poked his head into the room.

“I’m going out,” he barked, and went to close the door. Alec jumped.

“Wait, Jace!”

The door stopped its closing course and Jace raised an eyebrow at him.

“Huh… where are you going?”

“Just out,” he grumbled with a final tone.

“Come on, Jace, don’t be like that,” intervened Izzy to smooth things out. “We were going to hang out today, watch a movie, talk. Why don’t you stay with us?”

The way he eyed her carefully without saying anything proved at least that he didn’t really have anything to do “out”, but he was trying to gauge if she really wanted him to stay or was just trying to keep him in the house. And okay, Alec reasoned, there was a little bit of that, but that suspicious glare was terrible. When had they ever be so manipulative and meddling? And even if they were, wasn’t it warranted, seeing what Jace had done? 

“Alec met someone,” yelled Izzy suddenly.

“What?” answered Alec and Jace at the same time. Alec cast her a betrayed look she just shrugged off. She was using him.

“Met met or just saw from afar and you jumped to conclusion?” asked Jace with a mocking tone, but the door was fully open and he was leaning on the frame, no longer leaving for now.

“They spoke twice,” she answered with a conspiring air. They saw Jace debate with himself for a while, before he finally gave in with an eye roll.

“Fine, you win. Tell me everything.”

And with that they were off, ignoring Alec’s outraged expression. 

He needed better siblings. But, well, he figured he could let them have their fun. It was just nice, these kind of things, and it never happened to him. That’s probably why he had shared it with Izzy – that and he knew she would love it – but he wasn’t really looking for a relationship anyway. The few times he had dated had been disastrous, between him being mostly in the closet, them being mostly in it for the sex, and general communication problem that usually drove them away. Plus, he had enough to worry about, with college, his siblings and his parents. 

And even without going there, someone would need to want to be in a relationship with him first. 

Jace, who was the master of doing crazy things to impress a girl or to see them again, concluded rapidly that Magnus was there on purpose to see Alec, and thus hadn’t been freaked out by Alec’s tendency to speak his mind without any form of deceit. They made him promise to return the effort next week by seeking him out. He tried to argue that Magnus was way too handsome and put together to be interested in the hot mess that was Alec – and by hot he didn’t mean physically – but they would have none of it. He supposed that it was their duty as siblings to have faith in his abilities and charms, but he wished they could be a little more objective. Well, they hadn’t seen Magnus. They couldn’t know.

So he had promised, to get them off his back. He didn’t know what exactly. That he would at least try and find him again, even if he had no idea how to do that without looking like a creep. There was no way Magnus had been run over by his cart on purpose. Jace was delusional. 

Really, the only good thing about this whole story was that at least it had brought Jace to them. Alec was ready to endure the mocking of his love life and abysmal social skills, if it meant Jace was willing to spend time with them. Jace was the kind of person who made up for screwing up by screwing up even more. He didn’t do it on purpose of course, but in what universe did you try to make amend to people who loved you by staying as far away from them as possible? Of course he understood where Jace was coming from: his brother just had trouble understanding that his mistakes didn’t mean people would hate him forever. And he loved to beat himself up. 

.

“Alec, can you take me to the boxing ring before you go to work?” asked Izzy at the breakfast table the day after. Alec had been wondering why she was up as early as him, and that was why. Their mother huffed a disapproving sound.

“Why are you training again? Don’t you have anything else to do?” she asked, not unkindly. Izzy had been training more than usual lately. Maryse didn’t know why. Alec did. 

“It’s no bother, it’s on my way,” he answered before Izzy snapped anything back. 

Their mother frowned but didn’t comment, taking her cup of coffee to the sink while Izzy nodded thankfully at his brother.

“Well I’ll see you there later then,” said Maryse, grabbing her keys on the kitchen counter. “If you see your brother, tell him Hodge had been wondering where he was lately. He hadn’t come to train in a few weeks.”

They both mumbled vaguely that they would and watched her leave, a few seconds before their father entered the room. It was a game they had been playing for a while now, and they were exceptionally good at it: they were never in the same room at the same time. 

“Your mother already left?” he asked, as if he hadn’t been waiting for her to exit the kitchen to invade it. He poured himself a cup of coffee.

“Are you going to the gym today?” asked Alec.

“Later. I have a few errands to run first.”

The fact that they still managed to avoid each other while managing a boxing ring together was both impressive and very sad, but it was a system that had been working for several years, and it would likely never get any better. 

Alec and Izzy hurried on finishing their breakfast to escape the awkward silence. Alec had certainly inherited his talkative quality from his father. It was a wonder how he had managed to get a wife with such a small quota of words per day. 

“Are you on your way?” asked Robert when they were ready to leave.

“Yeah, I’m working at the office today, and Izzy is going to the gym.”

“Okay. Tell Jace he’s awaited at the gym too.”

“We will.”

One of the perks of the bike was that, unlike a car, you weren’t trapped in an enclosed space where you couldn’t escape a conversation. Of course, Izzy compensated that by literally ambushing Alec when they arrived at the gym, to prevent him from leaving.

“You know why he doesn’t come to train,” she said as soon as he took off his helmet. He sighed deeply.

“Yeah, I know.”

“You should talk to him.”

“Yeah. I know.”

The thing was he didn’t know what to say to Jace. Their adoptive brother’s temper had always been an issue, but it had gotten worse over the years. But his latest outburst had not only affected him, but Izzy and Alec as well. Jace had taken up boxing early, because they believed it would help channel all his pent up energy and constant low-key anger. They had failed to realize it would also mean it would make things worse when he got into fights.

Which he did all the time. 

“You have to,” insisted Izzy. “We have to leave this thing behind us. He can’t keep blaming himself like this, it’s doing no one any good.”

“Izzy… I know you mean it, but I also know why you’re not the one who’s going to talk to him about it. If you still need time, you understand that he probably does too, right?”

He regretted being so blunt with her, but it was the naked truth. Jace blamed himself because he knew, even if they didn’t talk about it, that Izzy still blamed him too. Alec understood that, as he understood that she didn’t want to be angry with Jace but was anyway, and that Jace had no idea how to apologize to her. It was all too fresh. They needed more time.

“Come pick me up tonight,” she demanded, ignoring his last sentence, and went inside of the gym with a determined stroll. Alec sighed. No matter what she said, the issue wasn’t solving itself anytime soon.

Siblings were such a handful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking "why would they tell someone after just two encounters?" but then I remembered that I could tell my friends about making eye contact and smiling to a stranger in the subway, and it didn't seem so far fetched after all x) thank you for reading and I'm Inrainbowz on [ tumblr](http://INRAINBOWZ.TUMBLR.COM) and this is the first time I put a link in the note, I feel accomplished.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec is trying, but the world is not very helpful. And why is everyone so interested in their story?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3, before I'm gone for the weekend. More of Alec and Magnus being adorable idiot, yeah! I have nothing to tell actually, but I like talking to you guys on those notes. So I do.  
> Thanks to NightChanger for the correction, enjoy!
> 
>  _I'm the luckiest guy_  
>  _On the Lower East Side_  
>  _Cause I got wheels, and you wanna go for a ride_  
>  The Luckiest Guy On The Lower East Side, The Magnetic Fields (the bike comes from this song)  
> 

Magnus was swamped with work.

Two poor weeks after he and his team had finished the redesigning of a big tech company’s signature design, they had landed another contract of the same kind. The thing was, it was short notice, because clients were dicks who believed design was the easiest thing in the world and his boss was a dick who believed said clients were always right, even if their requests were ridiculous. So he was putting in extra hours, their four-person team pulling their hair at the client's constant nagging and dissatisfaction with basically anything they submitted.

As it was, the next time he ran into Alec, it wasn’t a ploy at all, and he hadn’t even thought about it before the man was in front of him.  
Actually it was Alec who ran into him – them. They were brainstorming again, Will, Tessa, Elias and him, in one of the focus rooms of their floor. None of them saw the young man behind the glass wall on the corridor, and they jumped slightly when he opened the door.

“Good evening, I’m sorry to bother you, but I have to close those rooms. If you want to stay longer you have to go to the fourth floor,” said Alec with an automated voice to their small group. For a panicked moment Magnus thought that he hadn’t even recognized him, but Alec flashed him a small, apologetic smile, and Magnus smiled back, relieved.

“Can we have just a few more minutes?” asked Will even if he was already putting his paper together.

“I already gave you as long as I could. I really have to finish, sorry,” answered Alec, looking even guiltier. Magnus came to the rescue.

“We’re all exhausted and I’m tired of this thing. Let’s call it a day, we can get frustrated over this all over again tomorrow.”

They all accepted and started to pack their things, chatting lightly about the progress of the day. Only when they exited the room did Alec talked to him.

“I can give you a ride, if you wish,” he offered quietly, with what seemed to be a tremendous amount of courage. His efforts were ruined, however, by the loud sound of agreement of Elias at his side.

“Really? Man that would be great!”

Magnus would have found amusing, the comic widening of Alec’s eyes, as he was ambushed by his colleague, if he didn’t find him annoying, rude, and if Alec looked less distressed and not like he was going to cry. He was trying to defend himself weakly, arguing that he had only a bike and one place, but not managing to explain to Elias that he knew Magnus and had asked him specifically.

“Well, where do you live? You can take the one of us who lives closest to you.”

Will and Tessa had already give up on trying to excuse Elias rudeness and Magnus was thinking about just knocking him out with his bag and be done with it, but then Alec, with a surprising level of confidence for someone who couldn’t make eye contact with anyone, answered:

“I live in Brooklyn.”

Now Magnus didn’t know Alec at all, but for some reason, he was almost certain he was lying through his teeth. Elias didn’t seem to notice though. He just shrugged.

“Well I’m beaten then, I live in the Lower East Side. See you tomorrow Magnus, enjoy your ride!” he exclaimed, before leaving them both alone in the corridor. Magnus turned to Alec, a bit concerned.

“I’m so sorry about this, he’s a very nice guy but he’s absolutely ignorant of normal social conventions.”

“It’s… it’s okay,” stuttered Alec, still a bit shocked. “Hum, I… wanted to offer you a ride. Just you. If you want.”

Magnus didn’t know if Alec’s shyness was contagious or if he was just particularly touched by that man, but he felt at least as awkward as him.

“I would love to,” he replied simply, and it seemed to please Alec so much, like he hadn’t believe he would agree, like there was nothing more he wanted to do at that very moment. It was terribly endearing.

A few minutes later he was back on the bike behind Alec, and since he felt like he hadn’t properly enjoyed it last week, he decided he would this time.

.

Alec was a very honest person. Really, he was, it had gotten him into trouble often enough. He never lied, except to his parents when he was covering for his siblings. It just wasn’t him, he didn’t believe in hiding the truth, and even if he had wanted too, he had trouble enough talking without adding talking bullshit to the mix.

And yet he had looked that random guy straight in the eyes and lied to his face about where he lived.

The worst thing was that this guy lived on the Lower East Side, like him. Chances were, knowing his karma, that they lived just a few blocks apart, and he was just a terribly shallow person in addition to being a filthy liar.

Granted, the guy had ambushed him, and he had panicked. And Magnus was just there, looking both amused and sorry, and not at all like he wanted to say no to a ride. What was Alec supposed to do? He was only a guy.

And now Magnus was pressed against him and suddenly Alec didn’t find the bike so practical anymore. If he had a car, hell, if they were just walking, they could at least talk, or try to. He really wanted to try to talk to Magnus. He didn’t know how well it would go for him, but still he wanted to try, which was really saying something.

All too fast, they arrived at Magnus’s building. Maybe he was just imagining things, but he had the distinct impression Magnus was taking forever to get off the bike and put off his helmet.

“Do you usually work this late?” he asked when he felt like Magnus was just going to enter the building, desperate to make this last just a little longer.

“Depends on the workload but yeah, when we have big projects like that, it can be like this every day for several weeks. I’m really thankful for the ride, you didn’t have to.”

“It’s okay, but I wanted to.”

Alec bit his lower lips, cursing his propensity to blurt embarrassing things like that every time he didn’t know what to say. But he was feeling bold, he had lied to that random guy, he had taken Magnus home and Magnus wasn’t leaving yet, so he took a small breath and added:

“I work there every Thursday and Friday night. I can… you can count on a ride, if you want it. I always leave at the same time as tonight. So, yeah.”

Izzy would be proud of him. She would laugh too, but she would still be proud. Jace would be personally offended, but Jace was just a drama queen and an idiot who could take flirting as a competitive Olympic discipline. Alec couldn’t. It seemed like Magnus could too though, because he answered, all charm and easy smile:

“I’ll keep it in mind. Thank you. See you soon then, I hope.”

Alec felt like dying. Alec was just as much a drama queen as Jace was, Izzy said, and Izzy was always right.

“Yeah.”

They stayed just a short moment longer just smiling at each other and Alec felt like a complete dork, but he wasn’t going to move as long as Magnus looked at him that way. This time when Magnus went to his building he turned three times on the way, and each time seemed quite happy to see Alec still standing there. He waved before closing the door, and Alec needed a moment to collect himself before hopping back on the bike. He really hoped Magnus wasn’t looking at him through the window or something.

.

Magnus was looking at Alec through the window, hoping the man wouldn’t see him being a complete creep, and felt stupid, elated, stupid for being elated, and utterly carefree about the world.

He added “Alec Lightwood” on Facebook and noticed that he lived in the Lower East Side.

He laughed.

.

Alec was one of the seventeen summer interns in a big architectural company, meaning that he had a higher level on the hierarchy at the firm where he mopped the floor. He liked it well enough though, because they only had extremely boring and repetitive tasks to do, sure, but it also meant they were left alone and didn’t have to interact much with anyone.

It was ideal for him.

It wasn’t, however, for his college friends and fellow intern currently sighing every five seconds in front of their respective computer screen.

“It think this is a simulation of brain death,” complained Maia loudly, prompting Lily to shush her with a disapproving frown and Maia to answer with a rude hand gesture. Alec just rolled his eyes.

“I get that we interns are the lowest of the low, but I actually believe they’re just trying to kill us with boredom.”

“What did you expect of a first practice internship?”

“Actual practice?”

“Well you were delusional. Plus, this work needs to be done anyway. Of course they’d give it to us. Be grateful you’re not designing rows upon rows of toilets or something like this.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever. Isn’t it time for lunch?”

Lily cast a tired look to Alec, who just shrugged. Maia was always like this, and after five years of sharing classes and projects, he had learned to just go with it.  
Izzy said that it wasn’t normal to enter senior year with only two friends, but Alec personally thought it was already a small miracle. He had entered college ready for five years of loneliness, so really, that Maia and Lily had welcomed his quiet and boring self into their two-person gang was more that he would have hoped for, or feared. He didn’t mind being alone. But having some friends wasn’t that bad either.

“Do you want to go for a drink after another week in the world of modern day slavery?” asked Maia while they were making their way to the bagel shop they favoured next to the firm. It was the only thing in a five-mile radius that served enough to fill their stomach without making this internship deal a loss-making experience. At least big companies paid something. It wasn’t the case for a lot of their classmates working in smaller bureau.

“I can’t tonight, sorry,” he answered, careful not to look at any of her in the eyes.

“Another time then,” said Lily diplomatically. They didn’t say anything but they knew he was hiding something, he knew they knew, and they knew he knew they knew, and he knew it. He didn’t want to tell them about the hours with the cleaning agency. For several reasons. He didn’t want them to have an even worse opinion of Jace, whom neither of them liked very much. If he wanted to defend Jace, he would have to get into the details of what happened, and it was Izzy he would expose then. He had no right to tell them about that.

And well, he was ashamed, he couldn’t help it, even if they would understand, even if he didn’t have to.

So he eluded, which he hated, and they saw right through it but let it slide, because they trusted him and knew him well.

“If only you were ditching us for a hot date,” sighed Maia after ordering three extra-large bacon and cream cheese bagels with fries and a coke, under Lily’s judging look.

He wanted to talk to them about Magnus then. He had been thinking about him all morning and he felt really bad for lying to them, but he couldn’t tell. They had never known about any of his short-lived relationship, for a reason simple enough –  he had never told them that he was gay.

Maybe the reason why he was always so honest about trivial things was because he lied constantly about much bigger ones. He could argue that there weren’t ever necessities to talk about it, if he wanted to give himself justifications, but the truth, of course, was simply that he was scared. And not even for good reasons. They had other friends who weren’t straight, and it had never been an issue to either of the girls. He wasn’t convinced both of them were straight either. But they didn’t talk about it. He didn’t talk about it. Mostly because at twenty-three, he hadn’t fully come to term with his sexuality himself. That’s what was so surprising about the development with Magnus – he never did things like this, never. But it was nice, new, and Magnus didn’t know him at all, so he got to be whoever he wanted with him.

“I’ll let you know when that happens,” he told Maia, and he meant it. He wanted his friends to know.

“Yeah, right,” she answered, ever sarcastic. Alec tried to ignore how much it stung.

.

There was something terribly depressing about finishing work so late on a Friday night, Magnus thought darkly while they were wrapping up their meeting. He had agreed to follow Tessa and Will for some drinks, something he regretted just a little now, seeing that his eyes were closing on their own accord. He hadn’t had the occasion to spend much time with them recently outside of work though, he didn’t want to go back on his words. The couple didn’t seem to fare much better anyway, so at least they would all agree for an early night.

They were close to the elevator when Magnus heard the soft cough of someone who wanted to get attention and didn’t want to at the same time. He turned to the very pleasant sight of one Alec Lightwood standing awkwardly in the corridor.

“Hello Alec,” greeted Magnus with maybe a little more intent than necessary. He could practically feel Will and Tessa narrow their eyes on his back. He was so in for a questioning later.

“Hey.”

“Are you done for the night?”

“Huh, yeah. I was going downstairs.”

He cast an uncertain look at Magnus’s friends and Magnus prayed they weren’t doing anything weird.

“Do you… need a ride?” asked Alec in a quiet voice, like he didn’t want to be heard.

“No, it’s fine, thank you, we’re going out.”

“Oh. Ok.”

Suspicious, looking at Alec ready to leave and remembering it was really, really late, Magnus asked, a little too pleased:

“Were you waiting for me?”

Alec blushed, averted his eyes, blushed more.

“No.”

Magnus’s face split into a huge smile.

“Liar.”

Their embarrassing moment of looking into each other's eyes with a stupid smile was interrupted by Tessa coughing lightly behind them.

“Magnus? Do you still want to go or…”

Magnus reluctantly tore his eyes away, remembering that they weren’t, in fact, alone in the universe.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry, just a minute.”

Alec looked too embarrassed to talk, so Magnus took the lead. He extended his hands.

“Give me your phone.”

His intentions weren’t clear enough though, because Alec just cast him a confused look, going back and forth between his hand and his eyes.

“So we can exchange numbers,” explained Magnus with a teasing tone, like he was addressing a child. “And coordinate things. And you know. Talk.”

Alec stayed motionless and unblinking for a ridiculously long time before making sense of his words and rewarding Magnus with a small, delighted smile as he pulled out a battered smartphone at least five year’s old from his jean pocket.  
Magnus made quick work of entering his number and calling himself in return. He took out his own phone, shiny and new, and held it out.

“Smile,” he called, before immediately snapping a picture. Alec looked like a rabbit in the middle of a busy road. He frowned, like he was going to protest, but seemed to think better of it and stayed quiet, eyes tracking Magnus’s finger flying over the screen.

“Next time then,” the man said before turning back, probably to go find his things. Or maybe he didn’t want to share an elevator ride and even more awkward mumbling. Magnus could understand that.

When he turned to face his friends waiting for him, he found Tessa smiling softly as she would to a five-year old, and Will trying to stifle a laugh.

“Please, not a word,” he asked, stepping into the elevator.

“That was the cutest thing I witnessed since James’s first words,” cooed Tessa with an affectionate smile.

“Don’t compare me to your repelling offspring,” he retorted without heat.

“Seriously man, what was that? It was like watching two high schoolers on a Disney Channel show.”

“And you would know that how?”

“I have two children. I’ve seen terrible things.”

Tessa smacked her husband playfully on the arm.

“Let’s talk about it around some fresh beers, yeah?” suggested the young woman to give Magnus a small reprieve. He agreed thankfully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Number exchanger, wow! Such a big step! Yeah, first kiss is still far away folks. Please consider leaving a comment so that I don't feel like I'm screaming into the void.
> 
> You can fin me on [ tumblr ](http://INRAINBOWZ.TUMBLR.COM) and explain to me how to prevent the first chapter's note to appear on every other chapter. Thank you for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Texting. That's it that's the chapter.

Alec was staring at his phone like it was going to tell him what to do. Unfortunately, the device was not sentient nor able to talk, so he was stuck with just staring at it. More specifically, staring at a blank text message, the cursor blinking judgingly under the name “Magnus Bane”.

He couldn’t be disappointed in Magnus having other plans the night before when it meant he got the man’s number, but now this number had become the bane of his existence. Ha. Bane. He didn’t think he would have thought of this specific word in another context. This wasn’t the point.

He had gone to the boxing ring with Izzy in the morning – no Jace once again, without surprise – and they had gone to have lunch at the diner next to the gym. It was run by Clary’s mother, that’s how her and Jace had met a few years back. They knew all the waiters and half of the customers. A lot of them frequented the ring, and they had been coming there for years. They liked the family atmosphere, especially since their own house was sadly lacking in this department.

She had gone to join some friends at the mall then, with the perspective of calling him later to have a ride back, and he had taken refuge in his room, to stare helplessly at his phone and wonder what normal people did in this kind of situation.

He really wanted to text Magnus. He would have been fine with waiting until the next Tuesday, if he hadn’t gotten his number. Now that he had it, he felt the physical need to use it.

The only problem was, he didn’t have the guts, and he didn’t know what to say.

It was one thing to meet Magnus in the corridors, to fancy himself brave and smooth when he offered him to take him home, and otherwise to do absolutely nothing about it. But now he had his number. Magnus had given it to him. To avoid Alec waiting again like an idiot (because of course he had been waiting, and of course Magnus had guessed, and he still had given him his number, it was a sign, said Izzy, he wasn’t put off by Alec’s weird courting technics), but it had to be more than that. Again, according to Izzy. Alec found it a perfectly valid reason for a number exchange, but he wasn’t to be trusted she said, because he was “a blind idiot who couldn’t see flirting even if it was thrown in his face.” Which Magnus had done. She said.

He was a bit overwhelmed.

He had stalked him on Facebook when he had accepted his friend request, and there was no denying the man was… glamourous. He was good-looking in all of his pictures – and there were many. The people he was with were beautiful too. He seemed to travel a lot and attend fancy events with his work.

Alec’s four pictures were of his siblings and him, including his profile picture where he was barely discernible, and his latest post was almost two years old.   

What would they talk about if they ever spend time together? What could he possibly have to say that would be of any interest to Magnus? Forget about actually talking. What was he supposed to send in a text message?

This was ridiculous. He didn’t like texting. He didn’t like strangers, and he didn’t want a relationship. It was too hard, and way too scary.

Then again, he reasoned, they could just become friends. He had that in short supply – another thing shamefully displayed by his Facebook page – and it wasn’t like he had a chance with Magnus anyway. He just had gotten carried away because of Izzy and Jace, who believed he could have anyone he wanted to like the good siblings they were. It was terribly presumptuous of him to expect anything else.

So, friends. He could do that. He had friends he had made on his own. He could do it. He was trying to convince himself when his phone vibrated in his hands, causing him to almost drop it.

He had a message. From Magnus.

All his previous thoughts went out the window, and he was back to square one: lost. This was so unfair. He was sure figuring out an answer would be as gruesome as finding a conversation opener.

After he was done freaking out for a few minutes, he realized he hadn’t even opened the message.

Really, it was a good thing that he was alone in this kind of situation. The fact the he could picture Izzy and Jace’s teasing so acutely was a testimony of how constant and good they were at it. “Out of love bro,” they would say.

_Hey there. What’s up?_

Alec stared dumbly at the screen and the text it was displaying. That was it. Simple, to the point. He bet Magnus didn’t spend two hours agonizing over it, he probably just fired the text between a social call and the next. Magnus looked like a social person. Anyone spending time in the company of other humans willingly was social in Alec’s book.

He started to think. What was up indeed? He wasn’t doing much, nothing was going on, except for his internal crisis over texts. He couldn’t talk about that. He got up, walked around in his room, sat back down on his bed and sighed deeply. He was 23 and graduating in a year (hopefully), and he couldn’t answer a text message as simple and neutral as “ _Hey there. What’s up?”_

He regretted seeing the message as soon as he received it. Normally he didn’t check his phone that often, it could have been hours before he saw the text. He couldn’t ignore it now. He had to answer, even if his sister would probably tell him some bullshit about waiting to seem casual about it. He wasn’t anyway. He was never casual about anything of the sort. No point in pretending. The time it would take him to actually craft a reply and send it would have to do.

.

Magnus was busy repainting the walls of his kitchen, so he didn’t spend the afternoon it took Alec to reply waiting around anxiously. He could have though, which was one of the reasons why he decided to repaint his kitchen. At least like that some of his dignity was preserved, and it was getting dark when the beeping of his phone drew his attention to it. Pleased, he opened Alec’s thread.

**_Not much. You?_ **

Magnus hadn’t used Whatsapp or Facebook because of this dreaded “message read” function. He figured it was too much pressure to put on a shy guy he barely knew. So he would never know how long it had actually taken Alec to write that, but he hoped for those three poor words it wasn’t all afternoon.

.

It was. Alec was mortified.

.

_I’m redecorating. Let me tell you, only movies and TV shows can make painting look like a sexy and fun activity. I can’t feel my arms anymore, and I’m only halfway through._

Magnus couldn’t know if Alec really wasn’t doing anything or just didn’t want to share. He didn’t mind sharing himself. He tossed the phone on the couch, not expecting it to ring barely a minute later.

**_What colour?_ **

He would take mild interest over radio silence.

_I was getting tired of the impersonal grey. Slick and classy gets boring quickly. I picked purple, but it’s much darker than I expected. Still better though._

Since he had also planned to change his couch, he felt no remorse in sitting down on it with his paint stained clothes. He wasn’t going to do anything other than answering text messages as long as Alec would be responding to.

**_Do you do that often?_ **

_Every few months. I like changes. That’s the whole point of having your own place._

There was no reply for a while and he worried maybe he sounded like he was bragging. He wished the man was in front of him. He was easy to read.

**_If the grey was dark, the purple is probably not strong enough to cover it. You should have painted it white first, it’s more efficient for a colour change._ **

_Finally I get some words out of you, and it’s to be scolded on painting techniques._

Again, he didn’t receive anything for a while. He regretted Facebook now. He could have seen if Alec was just doing something else, if he was beginning to type a reply before erasing it and starting again, if he was just a very slow typer.

**_I’m sorry. I study architecture so I interned several times at a construction company. I know a bit. I didn’t mean to be rude._ **

Another terrible thing about texting was that it was hard to pass emotions and tones, especially since they didn’t know each other. He was quick to reassure his correspondent.

_Don’t worry, I was just joking. I appreciate the advice. I’ll ask you next time before following a whim!_

And then, because he felt like he needed to give Alec something to answer to, he sent another text.

_Architecture then? Which year?_

He was right. The reply came quickly this time.

**_Fifth and last. Starting in a few weeks._ **

_I’ve been out of school for only five years but it feels like it was forever ago,_ typed Magnus. It was weird to ask about age directly, so he figured he could give this as an indication, seeing that he could estimate Alec’s age now. He also hoped he would get a question in return.

**_What did you study?_ **

Victory.

_Graphic design and 3D computer moddd_

“Oi, Chairman!” exclaimed Magnus as his cat jumped on his lap, making him hit send halfway through his message. The cat climbed on his chest, head butting him with his little cold nose. Magnus whined.

“Chairman, I love you too but now is not the time!”

The cat was clingy though, and it took a few minutes to Magnus to unclad him from his t-shirt.

**_Sorry, what?_ **

**_Magnus?_ **

_Sorry sorry, my cat attacked me. Graphic Design and 3D modelling. I specialized in branding and advertisement. Hey, I now have worked as much as I studied._

He glared at Chairman, now content to just curl against his hip on the couch, until he got a reply.

**_I get it. We have a cat too, Church. He hates everyone. I had to pick up 3D modelling too. I hate it though._ **

_You named your cat Church? Why? And my cat likes me, I think. He just has weird ways of showing it. More of a pen and paper kind of guy then? I hated it at first too, until I got the hang of it. Much more fun when you can actually do what you want to do._

**_I have no idea why Church, my sister named him. What about yours? I’m not so good with a pen either, but yeah I’d rather draw by hand. I guess if software didn’t disagree with me so much I’d find it more enjoyable._ **

Magnus figured it was a little early to suggest private lessons, but since he had managed to have Alec talk about himself a bit, he tried to keep it going.

_My cat is called Chairman Meow but the deep philosophical reason why will have to wait for us to be more acquainted. Little sister? Any other siblings?_

Magnus hoped the delay was because Alec was getting talkative. He wasn’t disappointed.

**_You really have nothing to say about naming cats. I hope you’ll tell me someday then, I’m curious now. Yeah, little sister, Isabelle. She’s two years younger than me, and we have another brother between the two of us, Jace. She’s clearly the boss, and Jace is the troublemaker. What about you? Any siblings?_ **

They had met only three times and Alec had still managed to talk about his sister twice, and he seemed more willing to talk about them than himself. They had to be pretty close, Magnus thought, a little envious.

_None, just me._

Family wasn’t really a topic he wanted to broach, so he rapidly went on:

_The Boss, the Troublemaker, and what does that make you?_

This time Alec took his time to reflect on the question, because he only answered after almost five minutes:

**_The Big Brother._ **

_So the Authority or the Protector?_

He meant to tease, but it wasn’t the right thing to say, because Alec eluded and went right back on the point he had eluded himself:

**_You know a lot about siblings_ **

He didn’t know if it was supposed to be a question, a statement or an accusation, but he didn’t want to leave it like this. Texting had advantages too: you could gather your thoughts and clear things up without people speaking on top of each other. You could be more coherent, and, he guessed, smarter.

_Okay, let’s also put that particular subject in the Later Box. With Chairman Meow, and the fact that you wear the same sweater on all your Facebook pictures._

He hoped the jab would get a pass, and the honest deflecting too. Alec seemed quite forward, and Magnus knew to well about half-truth and unsaid things that came biting you in the ass later.

**_Okay. I’m sorry. It IS kind of a sensitive subject._ **

And just a few seconds later:

**_It’s five different sweaters._ **

Magnus escaped a short, relived laugh, that caught the Chairman’s attention. Magnus held the cat’s judging gaze.

“Don’t say anything,” he warned the animal.

_I think that’s worse._

**_You were right, let’s put it in the Later Box. I have to go pick up my sister because she considers me her personal driver. Talk to you later?_ **

Magnus didn’t know why he was so touched and pleased by that simple interrogation point. He wondered what Alec was thinking, if he was racking his brain like he had been in front of his building the two times he had driven him home, struggling for something to say, nervous and unsure. Wondered what he was expecting, if this was as exciting for him as it was for Magnus, as nerve wrecking, as refreshing, these first exchanges, this sizing up, stumbling in the dark, both apprehensive and excited.

He wondered if he could ask him one day. What were you thinking at that time? What were you hoping for?

_Yes, of course._

Magnus didn’t want to hope, didn’t dare, but still.

.

Alec buried his head in his pillow, as if he needed to hide the smile on his face, even if he was alone in the house. He was stupidly proud of himself. A part of him wanted to remind him that people did this on a regular basis and that it didn’t deserve any celebration, but he shut it down. HE didn’t do this on a regular basis and HE deserved to bask in his glory. They had actually talked. Okay, not actually, but still. They had talked, and shared, and gone back and forth. Awkward pauses and hesitation didn’t matter in a written conversation. He could be as fumbling and unsure as he wanted and still work it out.

It was a first step. It was _something_.

Of course, it wasn’t really thanks to him. Magnus had conducted most of the discussion, offering and questioning, even when Alec could only offer meagre one-liners. He liked that he didn’t pry, as Alec tried not to, when they both felt the conversation was headed towards an unwanted path. And it was so nice, this assumption that they would do this again, that they had the time. He had no idea if it was true of not, but it was nice all the same.

His phone vibrated in his hand and he looked up excitedly – only to be disappointed by a text from Izzy, asking him to come pick her up. He sighed, then laughed a little at his own foolishness. Really, he was ridiculous.

Izzy was chatting with some of her students in front of the gym when he arrived. She gave self-defence lessons to girls and women of the neighbourhood on Saturday afternoon, and since they were willing to keep the class going during summer break, she was too.

Approaching, he recognized Aline as the girl she was talking too, and smiled.

“Hey girls,” he greeted. They turned to him at the same time, both with their hairs tied tight on the top of their head and matching sportswear. They liked that effect.

“Alec! It’s been so long, how are you?”

He retained an apology – there was no accusation in her tone. They had both been busy with work and holiday plans. Not that he had any, but she probably did.

“Fine. Still slaving away. What about you? And Helen?”

Helen was her long-time girlfriend. Alec didn’t know her that much, but he had gotten close to Aline at the time they were each other’s only gay friend, and he liked to hear that they were fine and happy.

“We’re good. We came back from California two weeks ago, and she’s already back at work. I’m just relaxing until the beginning of the term. I deserve it.”

“That you do,” claimed Izzy with a smile.

“Oh, I didn’t even ask, how is your boyfriend Izzy? Sorry, I don’t remember his name.”

Isabelle’s smile froze on her face, making her look like a lifeless doll, and Alec coughed awkwardly, caught off guard by the careless broaching of a subject they had been masterfully avoiding for weeks. She recovered quicker than him and waved a hand dismissively.

“It didn’t work out. We broke up.”

Aline and Izzy knew each other well. Aline had to know then, she had to see something on her friend’s face, because she said nothing, just shrugged with a scrutinizing look Izzy did her best to avoid.

“Let’s go?” Alec asked Izzy abruptly. She turned to Aline, smile firmly in place.

“Let’s meet up this week for dinner. We’ll catch up!”

“Ok. See you.”

They walked toward his bike with measured steps, like they were trying not to look suspicious. He didn’t know what they were both believing to be guilty of.

“I’ll tell her later, so don’t. I will,” said Izzy with determination before putting her helmet on.

“Okay.”

“I will”, she insisted, and he didn’t know which one of them she wanted to convince.

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Please consider leaving a comment, please. See you!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Typical sunday for a family with unresolved issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I start school again soon, so I won't put as much time in this as I did. I have already 9 chapter written but well. We'll se how I can hold up. 
> 
> This story is so slow. Like, so slow. I only talk about the Lightwood siblings. Magnus where are you. Oh well I love them and they had things to fix. Also Alec is so me in thsi fic, I just realized taht. Beware of family argument.
> 
> As always Nightchanger corrected this. Enjoy!

It was the fourth to last Sunday before the beginning of the fall semester.

Alec didn’t want to be counting the days but he was anyway, he couldn’t help it. Usually he didn’t mind going back to class – he tended to get bored during the holidays, not knowing what to do with himself. At least his classes occupied his time. But this year he feared he would get too occupied. Between his dissertation and his final project for the diploma, he really wasn’t looking forward to it.

He wasn’t looking forward to yet another stilled and awkwardly silent family lunch either, something his parents insisted on carrying on every Sunday despite the fact that not a single one of them enjoyed it at all.

So, all in all, Alec was lazing around in bed and trying hard to fall back to sleep until the next day.

That plan was ruined by his phone announcing a new message, way louder than usual – Izzy had surely changed his settings again, as she did every time she got annoyed at him answering her dumb messages one day late. He kept meaning to password protect it, but in the end it was more annoying for him because he never remembered it and she guessed anyway.

He unlocked the not password-protected device and found himself instantly more awake and probably with suddenly better health too: it was Magnus.

_I may or may not have tried the white-before-colour technic on the last wall and have now one wall way brighter than the others._

Alec stifled a startled laugh.

**_Is it really bad? When did you have time to do that?_ **

_No, it’s fine, I kinda like it. But I bought this really big jar of white paint and now I don’t know what to do with it. I think Ima do the bedroom next. I went out to buy some paint after we spoke yesterday, and I don’t sleep much. Is it my fault if there are only 24 hours in a day? Who has time for sleep?_

There was a knock on Alec’s door and his mother called for him to get up, as it was late already. He had instinctively hid his phone under his pillow, like he was twelve again and reading past his bedtime. He wondered if his mother would ever make him stop feeling like a child every time she spoke to him with that commanding voice of hers. 

He shouted back some assent and was relieved when she decided against entering his room anyway. For him, no matter how old he was, it would always be like this in his childhood home. He imagined himself visiting his parents at forty years old and her still pestering him for tidying his room and not sleeping in too late.

The fantasy was pretty vague. He had no clue what his life would be like in one year, let alone in fifteen. He never gave much thought about his future as a rule. It was too distressing.

_Are you one of those chosen few architecture students who start working on their project on time and never pull nerve-wracking all-nighter slike normal people do?_

He forgot about his mother and his future, near and distant, to focus on more pressing – and pleasant – matters.

**_Design and architecture have the same kind of people I guess? I’m not, but one of my friends is. I think she never went to bed past midnight in four years of school. She refuses to teach us though. Says things about “organization” and “self-discipline”. I have no idea what she talks about._ **

_Hahaha yeah, we had those aliens too. It’s beyond my understanding really, how can you start working on something that is due in more than 24 hours? Those people will rule the world one day. Even now that I work it’s still against every instinct I have._

Magnus Bane was officially ridiculous.

The morning passed in this fashion. Magnus told stories about his days as a student that made Alec want to have him tell them in person. He was a good storyteller, even by text messages, and Alec laughed quietly to himself at most of his answers. He wasn’t so good at talking about himself, and hadn’t had near as many adventures as Magnus, so he was content to let him do most of the writing. He still managed to talk a bit about Lily and Maia, and struggled to keep track of all the people Magnus kept mentioning – unsurprisingly, he had more than two friends.

He was called back to reality by Jace screaming “lunch time” at his closed door.

**_Sorry, I have to go eat._ **

_You going out?_

Alec debated briefly about what to say, but settled quickly for the truth, as he often did.

**_No, my parents are calling. I live at home._ **

He dismissed the phone for the time it took to get dressed and pretended like he wasn’t embarrassed. It wasn’t very appealing, but he went to college close to his parents’ house, it was the way things were. Not everybody had their own apartment to redecorate. He was still a student, it was a very common thing.

_Ah, ok. Bon appétit then ;)_

Alec frowned at his screen. Was he being paranoid? He felt stupid for getting worked up over nothing, but who knew, maybe it was a deal breaker, maybe it just hit Magnus that Alec was young and hadn’t even got started at life yet. What was there in this “Ah”? How did you ever got close to people when it was impossible to know what they really thought? Why was he getting upset for something so insignificant?

Not wanting to start moping without knowing why, he chose to ignore the winky face and left his phone in his room when he went to join the rest of the family in the kitchen.

Nothing like good old family tension to keep his mind away from cryptic text messages.

His mother was right behind him, and it was good he left his phone anyway, because the first thing she did was ask Izzy, already sitting at the kitchen table, to put hers away. She rolled her eyes but did as she was told without protesting, and thus began the long and painful weekly occurrence.

Their father often cooked. He cooked, served everyone, and ate, all in near complete silence. Their mother asked questions, tried to learn about what was going on in their lives, and neither Isabelle nor Jace made much effort to answer, so Alec was left to try desperately to make it less stilled and uncomfortable. He wasn’t doing a very good job at it. At some point, one after the other, they would cast furtive glances at the sixth chair around the table, empty, and become even more subdued and quiet. When they were done eating they would scattered in the house and pretend like everything was fine and normal. When they made it that far.

“Jace, you’ll come with me to the ring on Tuesday.”

Alec closed eyes. Seemed like this week, they wouldn’t.

“What, why? No. I’m working at the garage anyway,” Jace answered gruffly.

“Because it’s been a very long time and there is no reason why you would get to give up on training just like this. And I asked Jordan. You don’t work on Tuesday afternoon, something you forgot to mention until now,” declared Maryse calmly, staring intently at Jace. Alec could see his blood boil, his temper rising, as if he was a video game character with mood gauge above his head. Anger: rising, rising, rising…

“What the hell? Are you spying on me now? You called my boss?” he shouted, body tensed.

“Don’t talk to your mother like this,” piped their father, almost automatically. He was the character that always said the same thing every time you went to him, Alec thought. They used to sneak out to Clary’s house to play Zelda on her stepdads Super Nintendo, because there was no videogames allowed in the Lightwood household. She took her nerdy side from him.

They hadn’t done that in a very long time.

“Since you’re lying to us, yes, I did. And since you can’t give me a good reason for not coming to the ring, then you’ll come.”

“I won’t.”

“It’s not a question.”

“See if I care!”

Jace got up abruptly, knocking on the table. His glass tipped and spilled water all over the plastic tablecloth as he stormed off the kitchen. Izzy swore when some water dripped onto her dress. “Don’t talk like that”, their father said.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Maryse yelled at Jace, who was putting his sneakers on.

“Out!”

“We’re not done talking. You stay here. Stay here!”

He ignored her. He didn’t turn back, slamming the front door hard enough to shake the pictures of their smiling faces hanging on the entrance wall. Then, silence fell on the house.

“I’ll clean up,” Alec offered weakly after a few stunned seconds. They stood motionless, staring at the door like it was going to open any second, like Jace was going to run back, apologetic but smiling, and wipe out the entire thing with a witty remark and a short laugh. Like he used to do, once.

The door remained close, and eventually Maryse’s expression shut down and she left the kitchen without a word, just an accusing glare at the three of them, who did their best to ignore it.

Of course she knew there was something going on. For Jace to stop boxing, there had to be. And she knew his siblings knew, and wouldn’t tell her. Alec wanted to, so much. He wanted to confide in her, to explain, to tell her it had nothing to do with her, that Jace had his own issues to sort out and that she couldn’t help him, she had to let it go. But he couldn’t. It would look like he was siding with her, against Jace, and Jace always came first. He was still covering for him now, he still had his back, even if he thought he was wrong.

“What are you doing today?” asked their father, when the table was cleared, and Alec wanted to yell at him, to shake him until he showed some kind of emotional reaction to what was going on in his house. But he didn’t. He stayed stoic and answered he would be spending the day at home, and he realized that he was exactly like him. And maybe his father wanted to shake him too. But he didn’t, either. They just did nothing.

“I’m meeting with Aline and Helen. They’re leaving for college soon, I want to spend some time with them before they go,” informed Izzy with a loud voice. She always spoke loudly, maybe trying to banish the heavy silence permeating the house. It didn’t work, but she wouldn’t stop.

“Oh. Are they still…”

He didn’t finish his sentence. Izzy huffed, exasperated.

“Yes. They’re still together. See you later.”

And then she was out too. Alec called for her to greet the girls for him. She agreed vaguely – she had wanted him to come with her, but as much as he liked their cousin and her girlfriend, he really wasn’t up to spending time with people right now. Granted, he rarely was. He could go and see them after work sometimes during the week.

His father turned to him with a shrug, and Alec had no idea what he was trying to convey, what he thought they were supposed to agree on in this situation. They didn’t understand each other, mostly because they had very different opinions and way of thinking but still thought they could get away with communicating only with gestures. They couldn’t, and Alec escaped to his room with an unpleasant tightness in his gut.

 

.

 

Magnus took one look at his queen-sized bed and his bedroom door, and made the estimation that it wouldn’t fit. Since he didn’t have anything to protect the bed from painting activity, he had to reschedule the project. He didn’t feel like going to the store again. It was too hot outside, too hot to paint really.

So instead, he went out with Catarina and Raphael, to eat cake, drink tea, and complain about their jobs. Well, Catarina didn’t complain, which made him feel guilty. She was a nurse at the Beth Israel Hospital, and as such had it way harder than any of them. Raphael was the press agent of top model and actress Camille Belcourt, and avoided mentioning her around Magnus, something he was grateful for. As for Ragnor, who was still in London doing who knew what, he taught obscure Esoteric and Mythology classes at the City College and complained the most, even if he worked barely twenty hours a week.

Magnus didn’t talk much this time though, and he didn’t bring Alec up. Catarina didn’t either. She wouldn’t, as long as he kept him for himself. Raphael wasn’t as bad as Ragnor concerning being a grumpy pessimistic, but he wasn’t exactly a ray of sunshine either. Who would be, after spending their days next to Camille for more than five years? Magnus had only lasted three. Well, they were together at night too.

Oh, that’s exactly why he didn’t want to talk about his love life anymore. Not that there was any love life to talk about for now, but the simple fact that he was considering the idea would send Raphael into his “I’m going to be an asshole because I don’t know how else to convey me caring about you” mode. The last time they had a night out together, Magnus had flirted and danced with a tall, beautiful woman, and the first thing Raphael had said when he saw her was “figures, she looks like exactly like Camille”. Magnus hadn’t noticed, but it was very true. They had left shortly after.

Magnus didn’t want to hear which of his exes Alec reminded them of, thank you very much.

“When does Ragnor come back?” asked Catarina while they made their way out of the coffee shop.

“On Friday,” answered Raphael, taking the way to the subway station with the two others in tow.

“Let’s eat out next weekend then. He’ll want to complain about what he did, in great details,” suggested Magnus. This got him a nod of approval.

“We’ll set that up then,” concluded Catarina at the metro entrance. She was walking home – they bid her goodbye before walking down the station.

“Something happened to you, right,” declared Raphael without any trace of interrogation in his tone, once they were standing in the crowded train.

“What?”

“When you don’t want to talk about something, you don’t talk at all, because you can only think about that thing you don’t want to talk about,” Raphael explained. “You barely said anything today. And you kept checking your phone.”

Magnus wanted to defend himself, but he had nothing to say back to that. Raphael knew him too well, and he wasn’t so good at lying about important things, or to important people. He could invent himself a life in an instant to seduce a stranger, but he was incapable of fooling those close to him.

“Don’t take too long in telling me,” Raphael said before he could answer anything. “You’ll have too much to recount then, it’ll be annoying.”

And then, with that annoying penchant for dramatic effect, Raphael stepped out of the metro, leaving Magnus alone with his thoughts and frustration. He checked, just to see if at least Raphael had gotten out at the right stop. He was capable of waiting for the next train just for the sake of this move.

But no, Raphael had perfect timing. Magnus sat down on a vacated seat with a sigh, and spent the rest of the ride praying that Raphael wouldn’t share his suspicions with Ragnor, while knowing that these two’s favourite pastime was gossiping about him and disapproving his life choices.

He meant to call Raphael and threaten (or beg) him for discretion until he was ready to talk, but he was distracted by a new message, from Alec.

**_Do you get along with your family?_ **

That was brutal.

_No, not really, no._

He really didn’t feel like expanding on the topic. What had brought that up? They had made it clear that family wasn’t something they felt like sharing about just yet.

_Did something happen?_

Alec lived with his parents and siblings. It couldn’t be fresh and breezy all the time.

**_Yeah. Sorry._ **

Alec also apologized a lot.

_It’s okay. Do you want to talk about it?_

He wanted to ask, even if he could guess the answer. Indeed a few seconds later, he received a simple and lonely “No”. And after a few seconds, another “Sorry”.

He wasn’t sure what Alec felt like apologizing for.

_Don’t worry about it._

 

.

 

Alec discarded his phone on his bed and laid his arms above his head. He was sprawled on said bed, upset and frustrated with himself. Why did he have to question Magnus like this? When he wasn’t even going to share anything either. It was just an impulse. He wanted to talk to someone, but he didn’t know who.

Izzy was in her room, their parents where out somewhere and Jace, who knew? It was the end of the afternoon. He had done nothing but mope all day.

He wanted to talk to Magnus. To someone who didn’t know them, who didn’t have any opinions on Jace, like Maia and Lily. An outsider. But at the same time, he didn’t want him to know. He didn’t want him to judge.

He was debating whether or not he should text him again when the doorbell rung. He got up from his bed and dragged his feet to the front door, ready to send a salesperson on their way.

But it wasn’t a stranger in a cheap suit waiting behind the door when he opened it.

“Luke? What are you…”

Only then did Alec notice Jace, standing by the man, head turned away and arms crossed on his chest.

His face was bleeding all over his t-shirt.

“What the hell?” exclaimed Alec. Jace shoved past him without a word. Alec heard Izzy asking what was going on, and Jace’s door slam shut without an answer. He turned a helpless gaze to Luke, who just sighed.

“I separated him from a guy in a bar near the gym. Again.”

Alec gritted his teeth, retaining a curse. Luke was a detective, so he wasn’t wearing a cop uniform, but it was clear that he was an officer right now, not the stepfather of his brother’s girlfriend, not the family friend they had known for years.

“Nothing too bad, so I just brought him here. But Alec, this has to stop. I won’t always be here to get him out of trouble. You know he already had several chances. I did you a lot of favours, and I didn’t tell your parents, at the condition that this would stop.”

Alec averted his gaze, unable to meet Luke’s accusing, judging eyes.

“I’m sorry,” continued Luke with a softer voice. “I don’t want to go after him anymore than you do. But you have to understand, I’m still a cop. He keeps getting into fights, and he could… It could get bad.”

Alec nodded silently. They knew very well how bad it could be. Luke had helped Jace a lot in the past. His brother could be in jail right now if it wasn’t for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” he confessed quietly.

Luke rested a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Alec looked down, cheeks burning with shame and the sharp sting of failure.

“I don’t think it’s you he needs to hear from,” pointed Luke gently.

“I know. But Izzy… They won’t talk to each other. They need more time.”

Luke nodded, face serious and worried.

“I have to go. Call me if you need help, alright? If you want me to talk to him. Or if you want someone to talk to.”

“Th-Thank you. I’m so sorry Luke. I’ll keep better watch on him.”

“This isn’t your fault, Alec. I’ll see you soon, bye.”

“Bye.”

He closed the door and went to the bathroom, grabbing the first aid kit without thinking. His mind was blank, his thoughts confused. He knocked on Jace’s door and entered without waiting for an answer. Jace glared at him when he saw him – Alec just brandished the kit, and they settled on his bed without a word.

Jace’s lower lip was split, he was still bleeding from a cut on his eyebrow, and a bruise was darkening around his eyes. His hand were in a pretty bad shape too. Alec worked silently, with practiced gestures. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to reach out to Jace, to make him open up to him, to understand what was going on in his mind. His mind was racing but nothing came. He finished patching up Jace without a single word and fled the room, unable to bear the tense atmosphere and their inability to communicate.

Izzy was waiting outside the room. She stared at the door for a long time but didn’t enter. She cast Alec an apologetic look and retreated to her own room. He did the same, aware of the distance between the three of them, despite being in the same house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jace is not okay. Wasn't this supposed to be a love story. Don't worry, things will happen. Please consider commenting if you're interested in what happens in this. Also, find me on [tumblr](http://inrainbowz.tumblr.com). Also, have a good day an be happy. See you!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alec has good friends, forgotten keys, not like in the real world, lead to good things, and Alec tries, and fails. Say hello to Ragnor!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to thank all of you who commented this thing. I feel pretty lonely here, but your comments always make my day. So thanks!
> 
> This chapter is longer than usual. Beware, a wild Saphael mention appears.

Jace managed to avoid both their parents and go to the gym without them seeing the state of his face. That way he could both get them off his back and justify his cuts and bruises. He made a great job at avoiding Alec and Izzy too, and Alec barely saw him in the beginning of the week. He still went to work at the garage though, so there was that, and Clary hadn't called, so she was still seeing him, at least. Had he been on better terms with the girl, maybe Alec would have asked her some insights, or just inquire about Jace's state of mind. But they had never gotten along that well, and the fact that she was now the only one Jace was willing to spend time with stung too much for him to be fair to her if they were to meet.

The hours were quite dull at the office, even Maia didn't have enough energy to complain so soon after the weekend. As he spent the day putting dimensions on construction plans to be sent to the engineer’s office so they could send it back, claiming it wasn’t how quoting a plan was done and that labelling the water network was also their job, he had the luxury to let his mind wander. For the first time in weeks, his worries about Jace and Izzy weren’t the only thing he had to think about.

He was getting ridiculously nervous at the prospect of going to mop some floors in the evening. He hadn't heard from Magnus since their last text and he didn't dare send anything. Still, he would maybe see him that evening, and he wasn't sure how that made him feel, but it clearly wasn't "indifferent".

He was packing up his things to head to the design company, when a woman came in their office (it wasn't an office. It was a small unused meeting room used both as supply closet and intern storage. They had to buy a power strip themselves). It was the one in charge of the project they were working on, and she didn't looked pleased.

"Alec?" she called, as if she wasn't sure of the name. "We just got feedback from the design office, and there is a problem with the ceiling plan. It has to be corrected and sent to the site tomorrow. Can you stay a little longer tonight?"

She wasn't demanding, but he still couldn't really say no. He glanced quickly at the clock above the door. He couldn't say yes either.

"I... I'm sorry I... I have to... I..."

He started fumbling with his words, searching frantically for an acceptable excuse that wasn't the actual truth. He looked at his friends, but they were just staring back with confusion. That's what he got for not telling them earlier.

"I can't, I... I have to..."

"I can stay."

He looked at Maia with a dumbstruck expression.

"Do you know what there is to do?" asked the architect with suspicion.

"Yeah, I did the previous floor, it's no problem. I need to leave earlier on Friday so I was thinking on putting in extra hours anyway."

The woman looked at the three of them but in the end, she couldn’t care less about who did the job as long as the job was done. She nodded and left the room.

Alec turned to Maia, apologies tumbling out of his mouth, but she cut him firmly.

"Don't sweat it. I really need my Friday afternoon, we're going camping with my family. You'll pay me back another time.  Go on your date."

"It's not... I'm not..."

She sighed.

"I know. A date, you could cancel. I guess it's something you really can't afford not to go to. I would have preferred it was a date though. So you'd have something to tell tomorrow."

He felt terrible, so he could only attempt a small smile and finish packing his laptop and notes in silence.

"I'm staying too," commented Lily from her chair. Alec nodded guiltily and bid them an unsure goodbye before leaving in a hurry. He had almost one hour of commute to go to Magnus’s workplace, and he wanted to escape their understanding and supportive presence. He didn't deserve it.

 

.

 

Magnus was the last one standing this time. Will was out of town to meet with a client so Tessa had left early to pick up their kids from school. Usually their friend Jem could do it when they had to work late, but he had concerts scheduled all night that week. Elias had left an hour earlier since they weren't getting much done between just the two of them. Honestly, Magnus worked better alone.

And well, maybe he was waiting for...

His phone pinged. He smiled.

**_If you're still around here, I'm leaving soon._ **

_I am. I'll meet you in the parking lot._

He deserved a break, he thought, a break in the shape of a cute, shy and very tall guy who wanted to drive him home. Sometimes you had to accept life's small blessings.

Alec was waiting by his bike when Magnus arrived. He greeted him with a small smile, but he seemed preoccupied and didn’t say much. Magnus got on the bike behind him, securing his backpack on his shoulders, and he didn’t want to think about how he had suddenly decided a backpack was a better idea than his beloved messenger bag that morning. The backpack was just more practical in many ways. Not only on the bike.

Magnus reflected to himself that it was probably a bit strange to let a near stranger bring him home, and wondered if it was a good enough excuse to ask him out on a date. To get to know him more. So he would no longer be a stranger. Yeah, maybe it was a bit far-fetched, but he needed justification, sue him.

When Alec pulled up in front of his building, he was faster than Magnus to dismount and pull his helmet off, and really, the only good reason to do that had to be so that they could look at each other properly. They still didn’t have much to say and he wondered if this would ever get less awkward, but he didn’t really mind. Alec looked just slightly in a better mood than earlier. It was so rewarding.

Magnus reached absentmindedly for his keys, in the front pocket of his messenger ba…

“Oh shit.”

"Is there a problem?"

"I left my key in my other bag this morning. God I'm such an idiot."

"Do you have a spare somewhere?"

"Yeah, one of my friends. He doesn’t live far, well, that's the reason why he's the one who has my keys. I have his too, even if I have a yet to see the day where he forgets or misplaces anything."

He spared a minute to lament over the awful twenty minute walk he had to take to reach Raphael's apartment. He took out his phone, trying to call him, while Alec got back on his bike.

"He's not answering. Well, he's usually home on weeknights so I'll have to give it a try."

When he looked in Alec's direction, the man was clearly waiting for something.

"Well, get on?" asked Alec after a confused silence.

"You don't have to... it's really not that far away," argued Magnus weakly.

"If it's not far, I don't mind taking you, come on," the man answered with not as much confidence as he probably wanted to show.

"Okay. Thanks."

And like that first time, Alec smiled like it was Magnus doing him a favor by accepting and really, could the guy get any cuter? It wasn't fair.

They drove slowly through the dormant streets, Magnus giving him directions and wishing silently that there weren't two big ass helmets between their heads. It made snuggling against the other man's back really unpractical. He was so shallow.

Magnus's phone rung just when they were pulling up in front of Raphael's place.

"You called?" asked his friends as soon as he managed to pick up, putting off the helmet with just one hand with some undignified twisting.

"Yeah, you home? I'm outside your building. I forgot my key at home, I need the spare."

Magnus could feel Raphael rolling his eyes through the line.

"I'm not actually, I'm at my mother's house, but I'm leaving soon. I'll be there in forty five minutes."

"Shit. Well, I'll be waiting, obviously."

"You do that. See you."

As usual, he had hung up before Magnus could answer. A bundle of love that one was.

"Well, he's coming home now. Might be a while. Thank you for the ride, really."

It took a while for Alec to answer, because he had spaced out and seemed lost in his own mind. Magnus almost snapped his fingers at him.

"Alec?"

"I could maybe stay. If you want. Keep you company."

That wasn't a very well thought out idea, because Alec immediately looked like he half regretted saying it.

"You don't have to. It might be a while, and you've already done more than enough. It's pretty late too. Don't worry about it," assured Magnus to give him a way out, but Alec looked kind of distressed by his words. He was looking everywhere but at Magnus, fidgeting a bit, struggling to say something back.

"It's... It's okay. I don't mind. If you don't. I mean, I can leave. I didn't mean to impose. Sorry."

It then dawned on Magnus that maybe Alec wanted them to spend some more time together too. He felt pretty selfish to keep the guy like this, and Alec looked like he felt he was overstepping. Really, they were a fine pair of messy idiots.

"Let's sit then," suggested Magnus with what he hoped was a reassuring smile, pointing at the few steps leading to the building entrance hall. Alec looked relieved, even a little pleased, as they settled shoulders to shoulders on the stairs.

"It's really no bother," declared Alec suddenly. He was looking straight in front of him, which allowed Magnus to stare shamelessly at his face. "I like talking to you and I'm... not really hurrying to go home these days."

Magnus had gathered that he was plagued with family troubles, but he wasn't sure Alec would want to talk about it. He decided to focus on the first part of the statement later. When he was alone, and no one could see his dumb smile.

"Did you fight with your parents?"

"Not really. Well, not me. Things are tensed between them and my brother lately. And between the two of us too. And between him and my sister. Well, he's tense with everyone I guess."

Magnus let out a short laugh and Alec smiled a little. The night was warm, the street empty and quiet, dimly lit by the street lamps. The moment felt very secluded, out of time. Maybe that's why Alec felt like confessing:

"We've always been very close, but I don't understand him lately. We're very different. I don't know how to talk to him."

Magnus really didn't have anything to offer to that.  He wasn't the right person to go to for family issues.

"I'm sorry. I can't really help. I can tell you how I deal when my friends are being dickheads, if you want. Maybe you can relate."

It earned Magnus a small laugh he felt quite proud of.

"Please do."

Magnus wasn’t good at giving advice, but he was an excellent storyteller, and if it didn't solve anything, at least it was a good distraction. Within a few minutes he had Alec completely relaxed and stifling his laugh beside him. Their heads were bent toward one another, as if they were sharing secrets, and Alec didn’t look like the type to laugh loudly or openly, so just the large smile and crinkling eyes made Magnus want to brag. He was the best.

And of course he was in the middle of a tale not really in Raphael’s advantage when the man decided to show up right in front of them like the creeper he was.

“I hope you’re not talking about how we met, Magnus,” he asked, making both of them jump – they hadn’t notice him approaching. Alec was too distracting for Magnus’s sake.

“Of course not!” he lied, getting to his feet to hug his friend briefly.

“Because if you were I’ll feel obligated to share a few stories of my own, and I want to remind you that I don’t drink, and therefore remember much more than you know.”

“Now let’s not get nasty.”

Alec got up then, quiet and subdued next to him, and Magnus saw Raphael size him up thoroughly, making the man squirm even more.

“Right, Alec, this is my friend and key-keeper. Raphael, Alec, my… friend. From work.”

He had barely stumbled on the word, but seeing the look they were both giving him, they had heard it perfectly well.

“Nice to meet you,” said Raphael politely, sticking a hand for Alec to shake.

“You too,” he piped, voice so small they barely heard it.

“You’re coming up?” he asked Magnus, dismissing Alec. “I’ll give you your key, and that teenage book you forgot here four months ago thinking I would eventually read it.”

“Did you?”

“I just found it, I had forgotten I was using it to stabilize my bedside table.”

“I hate you.”

“I’ll make you a drink. Come.”

Raphael started walking toward the door and Magnus meant to follow him, but not before turning to Alec.

“Thank again, really. You didn’t have to.”

“It’s fine. You don’t need a ride home?”

“No, I won’t have you wait around for me any longer. I’ll hang out here for a bit, maybe fall asleep on the couch. I do that a lot.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later then? Well, another day. Well, Friday?”

“Yeah, yeah. Thanks again. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Magnus had the distinct feeling that if Raphael hadn’t been judging them from two feet away, maybe they would have kissed. Or maybe it was just him. As it was, Alec smiled sweetly and with a last wave from his bike, he was on his way. Magnus followed him until he was out of view, before turning toward Raphael. He had his arms crossed on his chest and was using the height of the steps to look down at him in a disapproving motherly fashion.

“You look like your mom,” Magnus pointed out, walking past him into the building.

“Who was that?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I thought you wanted to “hang out””

“Only if we don’t talk about it.”

Raphael cast him a look that clearly conveyed “don’t think I’m letting this go”, but he said nothing more. Magnus figured he would at least have some reprieve this night. Raphael probably needed to consult with Ragnor first on the matter. They were worse than parents.

Magnus received a text while he was falling asleep on Raphael’s couch.

**_Thank you for tonight._ **

_For what?_

**_Cheering me up. I had a good time._ **

_Me too. Anytime :)_

When he looked up from his screen, Raphael was squinting at him, and Magnus did his best not to look too pleased with himself.

 

.

 

The rest of the week was agonizingly slow. Alec brought Oreo's to Maia and Lily every day, and promised to go out for drinks with them on Saturday evening. Jace and Izzy acted as if nothing was wrong, as always, and bugged him until he shared the recent developments of his crush on Magnus. It seemed to please them, so much that it was a little creepy, something he obviously didn't mention. They harassed him all day long until he agreed to try and ask him out if he saw him on Friday night.

The more they talked about it, the more he felt like he could do it. He wanted to. They could just go eat something instead of going straight to Magnus's home. It was innocent enough, he was sure he could pass it as a casual thing. Hey, I'm hungry. Do you want to grab something on the way? He could totally do that. Smooth, casual.

On Friday night, he ran his cart into a wall twice during his shift, and checked his phone about seven million times after he sent Magnus a message asking if he would need the ride that night. Magnus never answered. Instead, he showed up behind Alec as he was putting his supplies away, scaring the crap out of him. He laughed, and Alec couldn't find it in himself to be angry at him, even if it was at his expense. That was a very nice laugh, both to hear and to see. He must have been staring, because Magnus stopped laughing gradually once he caught his gaze, only keeping an amused smile on his handsome face. Alec could swear he was better looking every time they met.

"Let's go then?" Magnus asked eventually in a whisper, even if they were alone. Alec nodded dumbly, a little out of it.

They were waiting for the elevator to arrive. Magnus was staring at the little screen above the door, indicating the cabin slowly making its way up the floors, and Alec took a deep breath. Okay, he could do this. Now was as good a time as any. He could totally do it, he just had to open his mouth and say it. "Do you want to have dinner somewhere?" or "What do you think of getting something to eat?" or just "Are you hungry?". It wasn't that hard. It wasn’t. He did it all the time, open his mouth to say things to people.

Magnus's eyes were up, oblivious to his struggle, and Alec forced himself not to imagine what his answer would be. It didn't matter if he couldn't ask the question. What was important now was just to talk.

"Hey, I was thinking..."

The door of the elevator opened on a tall guy with greying hair and dressed like a college professor from the last century. Alec had no sense of style, but he was pretty sure this wasn't, like, old new or new old. No, just old.

"Ragnor! My friend, what are you doing here?"

And Magnus fell into the arms of the newcomer, with a large smile.

"Came to get you, obviously," Ragnor answered, returning the embrace.

"When did you come back?"

"Just a few hours ago. I'm taking you and the others to the restaurant."

Alec stood awkwardly to the side until one of them noticed him, which took a terribly long time. Alec thought for a second that they were simply going to leave without acknowledging him at all, but then the stranger turned to him with a smile.

"You must be Alec," he said. It wasn't a question at all, and the guy managed to make it sound like a reproach. He couldn't answer anything.

"How do you know that?" Magnus asked for him.

"Raphael told me."

Magnus didn't look too pleased at that. Alec looked at them with some confusion, feeling like he was missing something, but didn't dare say anything.

"Shall we go then?" asked Ragnor, focusing back on Magnus.

"Actually, I was gonna go with Alec," Magnus mentioned, as they were all getting into the elevator. Alec avoided looking at him but was immensely pleased, until Ragnor spoke again.

"Oh. Raphael said you had planned for us to get dinner together when I returned."

"Ah, we did. We didn't get settled on a date though..."

"Did you have anything planned?" Ragnor asked the both of them, and Alec refrained from hitting his head against the metal walls of the elevator. Magnus looked at him briefly, apologetic, before answering:

"No, not really no."

A few seconds. Just a few seconds earlier, he could have asked, and then they would have had something planned. It was stupid, because he didn't know if Magnus would have agreed, and Ragnor was obviously a close friend he hadn't seen in a long time, it didn't make sense for him to choose Alec over that. Because Magnus had friends, people to see, places to go, unlike Alec. But still. Still, if he had opened his mouth, if he had just...

They arrived on the ground floor just as Magnus was starting to talk, probably to apologize or something. Alec beat him to it.

"I'll see you on Tuesday then, have a good night!" he said with a completely fake tone he hated, and the two men stepped out of the elevator as Alec went down to the parking alone.

Really, it was stupid to be so disappointed. At least there was a real interruption. Maybe he wouldn’t even have had the guts to ask, so at least he was spared that failure. But still, it wasn’t often he managed to talk himself into being a bit brave and engaging. The occasion had passed, and who knew when the next would come.

When he came back home, early and dejected, Jace turned to Izzy and told her “I told you so” with a smug smile, while she shook her head like a disappointed mother. And that was… so mean. He felt too bad and angry to think of anything to say, so he just went straight to his room and ignored them both until they went away.

 

.

 

“You did it on purpose,” accused Magnus, as soon as they were in the cab.

“What?”

“Cut the crap Ragnor. You knew we meant to meet up this weekend. And since when do you come pick me up at work? You talked to Raphael, he told you he met Alec, proceeded to report every single detail of the encounter and you decided to come see for yourself and snatch me away. That’s why he asked me at what time I was finishing right? I knew he couldn’t possibly ask out of concern or anything…”

He crossed his arms on his chest and looked out the window.

“Are you done?” asked Ragnor, unfazed, and Magnus rolled his eyes. What he would give to see Ragnor lose his cool sometimes, stop acting so smug. He envied his ability not to be affected by anything. British composure or something. Magnus was affected by everything. It was frustrating.

“You said yourself you didn’t have anything planned with the boy,” Ragnor pointed out. Usually when they talked, one of them got more and more amused as the other got more and more annoyed. Magnus wasn’t the amused one right now.

“That’s not the point. You knew we were meeting. I see you’re exhausted from your flight, and the plane always makes you even grumpier than usual. You could have waited until tomorrow.”

“You could have said no.”

Magnus looked back at Ragnor, only to show him his incredulous expression.

“After you ambushed me like that? Don’t be ridiculous. You know I’ve missed you.”

He really didn’t want to admit this right now, because he wanted to be angry with Ragnor for needlessly crashing his and Alec’s limited encounters. But he had missed his friend, for the three summer months he had been out of the country, and he wasn’t really an angry person in general. Staying angry was exhausting.

“And I you,” admitted Ragnor quietly.

They didn’t talk again until they reached their destination. Ragnor paid the cab before they stepped into their favorite restaurant. It was an Ethiopian and Italian fusion, and they knew the owner, Luigi, enough that he could always find room for them even if they didn’t make reservation. Catarina and Raphael were already waiting for them at a table in a corner.

They greeted each other warmly, pleased to be reunited. They lead very different lives with different schedules and obligations and they couldn’t get together as often as they wanted too.

Magnus however understood rapidly that the evening wasn't going to turn in his favor. As soon as they had ordered food and drinks, all three of his friends turn to him with an expression he really didn't like. Catarina looked at least a little apologetic. Ragnor and Raphael, not so much.

"So," Ragnor said and it was a testimony to their friendship that Magnus got exactly what he was getting at with that single word.

"Oh come on, can't you give me a break? At least tell us about what you've been up to before attacking me," complained Magnus, even if he knew it was a lost cause.

"I mostly lazed around the library of my family's house reading and drinking tea, and I burnt a candle every night praying for you not to get into trouble. It didn’t work, apparently."

"I didn't get into trouble, I just met a guy!"

"My point exactly."

Ragnor's voice was teasing but Magnus could hear the serious undertone of the conversation, and he didn't like it.

"What do you even know about him?" asked Raphael. Magnus rolled his eyes

"We literally just met. I don't know, he's attractive and nice, he's cute in a shy, awkward way, and I like to see him smile."

"He could be a criminal, could be closeted. Didn't you swear off those?" continued Ragnor. Their food came without them noticing. Magnus was feeling increasingly distressed - he felt like he was on trial.

"It doesn't matter anyway. We haven’t even been on a date yet, he might not be interested. And I doubt he's either of those things," he snapped, even if he really had no idea. He hated how they could make him doubt with just a few worlds. They had way too much influence on him.

"I saw you being all disgusting in front of my building. I'd say he's interested"

"Just because you can't bring yourself to show any semblance of affection to Sheldon doesn't mean other people can't either," Magnus bite back viciously. Raphael frowned.

"His name's Simon."

Magnus knew that. He only resorted to miscalling Raphael's boyfriend when he was annoyed with him. Which he was at the moment.

Catarina chimed in then, mindful to bring the conversation to a friendlier tone. She hated any tone going above very mild annoyance.

"We just don't want you to get hurt Magnus. You have a habit of falling fast. Be careful, that's all we ask."

It wasn't what she had told him last time, but he understood she wanted to appease all of them, and that she couldn't help but be worried too. He had asked them often enough to break his legs if he ever tried to get into another relationship – after each of his disastrous breaks up. He could only blame himself if they took it to heart now.

"Believe me, I am. As surprising as it might sound to you, I do have some semblance of self-preservation left," he complied reluctantly. "Can we please drop it now?"

Thankfully, they agreed, and started to eat while carrying a much lighter conversation about their plans for the upcoming weeks and news from common friends and their respective family. After a bottle of red wine, all worries and grievances were forgotten, and Magnus simply enjoyed spending some quality times with his oldest friends.

He knew that their worries were contagious though, and, against his better judgment, he found himself growing more anxious about his next encounter with Alec.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Alec, life's hard. But he may land a date on the next chapter. Magnus, please keep a eye on your friends. People, please comment. My [tumblr](http://inrainbowz.tumblr.com) is there. Love, see you!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alec really doesn't feel like being social, and they maybe, maybe manage to finally get something done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am proud to announce that I wrote a kiss. I have to confess though, I don't guarantee their will be smut in this. I don't write any, usually, not at all. But well, I don't Know, I feel like trying still, maybe, when the time comes. We'll see.
> 
> I thank NightChanger as always, enjoy!

Alec was still bitter about the failure of his Friday night plan, and really not up to go out on Saturday night. But he'd promised Lily and Maia, and he didn't want to disappoint them by going back on his words, again. He regretted it, however, as soon as he step foot in the bar where they were supposed to meet up. First, because it was crowded, and loud. Second because it wasn’t just the three of them as he’d hoped, but also half a dozen students from their year, all cramped up in a booth around a table covered with drinks and snacks.

He almost turned back on his heels. A few minutes later he was sitting between two virtual strangers with a beer in his hand and the prospect of a terrible night to come. He had nothing against his classmates – they were nice enough, for what he knew. Which wasn’t much, and that was the issue. He didn’t know them, and this certainly wasn’t the place to get better acquainted, since he could barely hear what his neighbors were saying over the music and the hectic conversations. He tried to smile and answered when people addressed him, but for the most part he felt completely tense.

He didn’t get how this was a nice way to spend time together. He wasn’t even close enough to Maia and Lily to talk to them. What was the point of him being here? He knew some people just soaked up in the crowd, the sociability of it all. He always forgets how much he himself didn’t until after he was in the middle of this kind of situation. Objectively, the idea of socializing wasn’t so bad. In practice, it was the most exhausting thing he knew.

He was trying to check the time discreetly on his phone, to see how long he had to wait until an acceptable time to leave, when he noticed a message. He opened it eagerly – it was from Magnus.

_What you up to?_

Alec would take any distraction at this point.

**_Out at a bar with some friends from college. You?_ **

He didn’t feel like pointing out how much he didn’t like it. A good thing, seeing Magnus's next message.

_Cool, me too! I’m not drunk yet but I’ll be there by the end of the night. We’ll probably move to a club soon. Maybe you could join?_

There was absolutely nothing Alec wanted less at that moment. He had gone to a club maybe three or four times, and it was more than enough for a lifetime in his opinion.

It had never bothered him. In high school he made good use of the fact that his mother really didn’t like for him to go out, and when that excuse hadn’t worked anymore, he simply said no.

Something he couldn’t do now, for some reason. He ought to answer just “Sorry, it isn’t my thing” or “No, thanks”, like he always did. Like the boring I-stay-at-home-and-do-nothing-all-weekend stuck-up he was.

**_I won’t be out late tonight, I’m really tired. Another time maybe_** , was what he answered. Which was a lie. Well, he wouldn’t be out late for sure, and he was bit tired, but their wouldn’t be another time. He didn’t want to.

_You sure? We’re having fun!_

Attached to that one was a picture of Magnus, dressed to impress, makeup and hair on point, a glass in hand and surrounded by friends. He was smiling brightly, the picture a bit unfocused and angled awkwardly.

Alec didn’t answer.

People started to move around him and when he threw a questioning look to Maia, she yelled “we’re moving to a club.” Ah. That was his cue.

“I’m not up to it. I’ll go.”

Maia started protesting with a pouting face.

“Oh come on, you never come! It’s still the holidays, you don’t have any work to do tomorrow. Come with us.”

“No thanks,” he answered firmly. He was past the time he could be bullied into following the group. Usually there was at least one other person in for an early night, but since classes hadn’t started yet, no one had any qualm in wasting their Sunday away to a hangover. Or so he thought.

“I’m leaving too,” said one of the girls beside him.

“Really? You’re no fun,” accused Maia but she declared herself defeated and joined the others spilling out of the bar. Alec followed the girl and they waved a quick goodbye to the group before starting to walk toward the subway station in awkward silence.

“I’m sorry I… I don’t remember your name,” he confessed, because it felt weird to walk with her without knowing.

“Oh, I’m Lydia. Lydia Branwell.”

“I’m Alec.”

“Yeah, I know.”

That was even more embarrassing. He didn’t have any memories for name and frankly, there was so many people in each of his classes, every group was different, it was just really hard to remember them all.

“Sorry,” he said again.

“It’s okay. Not a big fan of group outings then?” she asked, unfazed. He nodded silently.

“Me neither,” she admitted, almost like a confession They weren’t going in the same direction, but when he waved at her before finding himself blissfully alone in the subway, he felt a little better.

 

.

 

Alec had completely forgotten that Clary was coming over for family lunch that Sunday. He was reminded of the fact by her voice echoing from the entrance, and it was enough to bring back down his mood from the small height it had managed to climb by reading a book and ignoring life all morning.

He knew he wasn't fair to her. They would probably never be great friends, but she was nice and pleasant, and she had never done him any wrong. Well, none she was guilty or conscious of. But she had snatched Jace's attention away as soon as she had entered his life and it had happened at a time when Alec was even more solitary than he was now. The thing was, his animosity against Clary was an old wound. Almost a habit. It had crystalized when they were teenagers and they were so sure they would never get over whatever drama happened at the time. He didn’t know how to change it now.

He wasn’t so hypocritical that he could blame her for crashing their family time: at least when she was here Jace behaved himself. Alec was actually a little bitter about that. His brother had never thought of not making a scene for their sake.

Alec sighed. He was so petty, he hated it.

He was quiet during lunch, but it wasn't unusual of him, and nobody cared, because when Clary was here, they all made an extra effort to make it look like Everything Was Fine. His father joked, his mother smiled. Isabelle and Clary were close – they had actually been friends before she started dating Jace, even if that didn't take long. And Alec watched.

He watched, and he wondered. Izzy had never brought anyone home because her boyfriends never lasted long enough or weren't worth it. She'd always said she'd only bring a guy home if he was there to last.

It was different for him. Oh, his boyfriends didn't last much longer than hers, and they weren't worth it either. But he wouldn't have brought them anyway. That was another thing teenage hood had crystalized: under all cost, hide.

His parents weren’t openly homophobes. He didn't know their position on this exactly. But it was a risk he had never been willing to take. He remembered clearly broaching the subject with his mother years ago. She had simply said that she hoped his children wouldn't be gay, for it would bring them much trouble in this world.

That was all, and that was everything. He didn't date, didn't really want to. So there was no point in telling them.

But for the first time in a long time, he wondered. What it would be like to invite someone for Sunday family lunch. How they would react, how he would fit in this picture.

If they would have to install him in the last chair available. Max's chair.

Alec jumped at the same time as everyone around the table, but not for the same reason. They were staring at Clary and Jace, and he was startled out of his own thoughts. Max's name had that electroshock effect.

"What?" asked Maryse as Alec tried to reconnect with the situation.

"Clary and I, we want to move in together, after she graduates," said Jace, apparently for the second time. It was met with a tense silence, just like the first.

"Are your... your parents are okay with that Clary?" asked their mother, in the controlled tone that meant she was trying hard to stay calm and sensible when she wanted nothing more than to explode. Clary nodded with a smile, oblivious (or pretending to be) to the sudden tension. Maryse smiled the fakest smile possible. She turned toward her husband, waiting for him to say something. Unfortunately, Robert had a long history of disappointing her, and he didn't break that thread, choosing to stay silent and just shrug. Alec sometimes wondered if the man really was lost or if he simply didn't care. Either way, he was never of any help.

"Well, it's... a big step. We'll talk about it again, when the time comes, right?" declared Maryse with diplomacy. Alec saw that Jace was going to protest - he wanted a blessing now, immediately, like he always did, regardless of the fact that he had pretty much dropped a bomb on their lap and expected them to deal with it. Alec kicked him hard in the leg and they fought silently through heated gaze and raised eyebrow. Alec knew how to express "Shut your mouth for now" quite efficiently. His brother thankfully obeyed.

"Yeah? Just wanted to let you know," he mumbled before returning to his food.

The next few minutes passed in silence, each of them deep in their plate and avoiding eye contact. Alec's mind was reeling. Jace had never mentioned this to him before. He knew that he wanted to leave their parents’ home now that he had a steady job at the garage, but to say it so carelessly, like he didn't know it was their parent's biggest fear, like he didn't know their family barely held together as it was and that it would be the final blow to shatter the house of cards.

And he would say that every kid had to leave their parents one day, but he didn't understand a damn thing. Maryse and Robert weren't scared of him leaving, they were scared that once he left, he would never come back.

Alec was too. Jace was slipping away. If he left, with how things were, would he feel the need to come back to them? He had always been terrified about the distant relationship his mother had with her brother, how they barely talk and never saw each other. When he was younger he didn’t understand how it was even possible. He was older now, and he understood plenty.

Lunch ended a few stiff conversations later and Alec was grateful for the reprieve. Jace went out with Clary, they all scattered around the house, free to live apart now that they had gathered for their weekly hour.

He was trying to get lost in his book again, without much success, when he received a message.

_As always I regret going out yesterday. I just woke up. What are you up to?_

He stared at the message, stared and stared, but it didn’t change, and his phone didn’t start writing an answer for him. What could he say? “Why do you go out if it’s to regret it afterwards, would it be such a tragedy to stay in, do you think it’s a bad thing, please don’t, because that’s what I always do”? “My brother is slipping away, I thought he was getting better but he’s not and I fear he’ll disappear from my life”? “I’ll never be brave enough to come out to my parents, I’m scared of change, I’m still under the illusion that everything will always stay the same”? “I miss my little brother every day, nothing was ever the same since he died, we never got over it and no one wants to admit it”?

He tossed the phone aside without replying.

 

.

 

Magnus was glad Alec hadn’t taken up on his offer to join him at the club. He regretted even asking – it was not where he was hoping to lead their relationship at all. And it would have been terribly embarrassing: he would have tried to jump the guy, and probably failed, because Alec didn’t strike him as the one night stand type, and because he was probably too drunk to achieve that anyway.

He hated to admit that Raphael was right, but as always, he was: maybe Magnus was getting too old for that. He used to be able to go out three nights a weekend, but that was when he could skip classes and sleep all day. Now that he worked plenty, and that his thirties where looming in the horizon, his body was making him pay his love for the party life.

He was still feeling the effect on Monday at work, and regretted the time he could just spend all day watching reality shows on his couch with his cat curled in his lap. Tuesday wasn’t much better. Working was a trap.

“You’re telling us that?” asked Will, who had been listening to his complaints dutifully. “Man, we have two children. The only time we get to ourselves is when we’re in bed. Sleeping.”

“Should have bought better quality condoms. Would have spared you the accidents,” mocked Elias with his usual tact.

“You’re the accident,” bite Tessa back. “Some people do want children you know.”

“That’s beyond me.”

“Oh, but one day you’ll meet a nice girl and marry and have lots of beautiful kids, you’ll see!” cooed Will in the perfect imitation of every greying and overbearing aunt in the world.

Elias stuck his tongue, they laughed.

“Let’s not linger tonight, I’m sick of working on this already,” declared Will. “Magnus, you want to have dinner at the house tonight? The children will be happy, and Jem will be here too.”

“You never invite me,” mumbled Elias with a pout.

“That’s because you insult my children. Magnus?”

Magnus hadn’t heard from Alec in a few days, but he wanted to keep the slot open.

“I don’t know, I’ll tell you later.”

“What? Why? You have something else to do?”

Tessa was smiling knowingly at him and he saw her try to convey subtly something to her husband. Will however was not one for subtlety.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that? Oh!”

They could almost see the lightbulb popping above his head. He grinned like a fool.

“What is it? What’s going on?” asked Elias, not pleased to be left out of the silent exchange.

“Nothing,” pressed Magnus. There was far too many people teasing him with this already.

“Come on tell me! You never tell me anything!”

They bickered all morning like this and didn’t get anything done, and they had to restrain from laughing when later Will tried to bullshit their progress to their boss.

 

.

 

Alec was hesitating in front of his phone once more. Really, most of his battery drained because he was constantly hovering over the screen without doing anything at all. He wanted to try again – well, try – to take Magnus to dinner.

But now here he was, hesitating, wondering what could go wrong this time. Maybe it had been a sign? Oh come on, that was ridiculous. There was no sign, just luck, and some courage to seize it. He liked this thing they had going on, it was stimulating, took his mind off all the rest. There was nothing he could do about most of the problems in his life, but he could do something about this.

His phone really wasn’t his friend though. He couldn’t bear waiting for a reply like an idiot, so he decided to go and find Magnus at the end of his shift. He could speed things up and finish early.

With that in mind, he worked extra quickly through his usual chores. It was maybe a bit sloppy, but no one would notice, and it wasn’t like he was paid for this, ha. He finished by the corridor he hoped Magnus would be working in, like last time.

He was. Now that was a sign he was okay with. He was alone with the guy that had ambushed him the first time, but he wasn’t going to let it stop him. He could do it, he could.

Alec opened the door, resolute.

The two men turned toward him, and Alec deflated like a pierced balloon. Magnus was looking at him questioningly and all Alec could manage was a mumbled “Hey”.

Hey. Really. Could he get any lamer?

“Alec, hi! How are you? You’re already done?” asked Magnus cheerfully, and okay, he always looked cheerful, but he looked extra cheerful for seeing Alec, and no one could take that away from him.

“Fine. Yeah.”

Magnus started gathering his things, chatting with his colleague. Clearly they weren’t getting much work done, he could have left earlier. So maybe, maybe he had been waiting. For Alec.

Alec steeled himself. He could do it.

“D’you wanna go eat som’thing?”

There, he had said it. Magnus raised his head.

“What?”

Alec resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Why was it so hard?

“Do you want to go eat something, before going home?” he asked again more slowly, trying to look like he was sure of himself and not seconds away from bolting through the door and disappearing. Although Magnus’s smile was a good reason not to.

“Oh yeah, good idea, can I come to?” suddenly exclaimed the guy at his side, reminding them of his presence in the most obnoxious way. Alec stared at him with disbelief, panicked, and answered:

“No.”

There was a strange silence where the guy didn’t know if it was a joke or not and Alec wanted to scream.

“Seriously?”

“No, you can’t come Elias,” sighed Magnus, finally coming to Alec’s rescue

“Why?”

“Because you can’t!”

Elias looked at both of them with a confused and hurt look – Alec was dying of guilt and embarrassment – when it was suddenly replaced by understanding and far too much amusement.

“Waaaaiiit, is that why you didn’t want to go to Will and Tessa’s? You have a date! Why didn’t you tell?”

Magnus groaned and Alec ducked his head abruptly, mortified.

“Elias, please, shut up.”

“Okay, okay, I get it, I’m out of here. Have fun on your date!” he laughed, before clearing out of the room in record time. Trying to be mindful, probably.

Leaving a terribly embarrassed silence behind him.

“Huh. I’m sorry. For that,” said Magnus, vaguely gesturing to where Elias had been a minute before.”

“It’s… It’s fine.”

Had there been a clock in the room, they would have heard it tick. Well, had there been something other than a digital clock above the door.

Alec was considering throwing himself out the window, but all of a sudden Magnus huffed a short laugh that morphed into inelegant snickers he was trying to hide, without much success. Alec couldn’t help but chuckle too. It was too ridiculous not to laugh.

“There is a nice burger joint just down the street. Good for you?” Magnus asked when he was ready to leave. He was still smiling, something soft and pleased, and he could have suggested anywhere at all, Alec would have followed.

They left the building and Alec tried not to think too hard about what Elias had said and of that dreadful d-word. No, not this one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, I found that joke funny. Elais too. Poor guy. Don't get your hopes up though, they're far from being done with their struggles. Please leave a comment, see you!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which it doesn't got too well and Magnus freaks out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go again. We'll soon catch on the chapters I'm done writing, I don't think I'll be able to update so often then. Arf, who cares. I like this chapter because it's mostly Magnus working himselg up on his own. Enjoy!

So, things were going good. They were going great. Sure, a burger fast food wasn’t the most romantic of places, but it served food, fast, which was all they – and a lot of people apparently – asked for at 10 pm on a weekday. They were sitting face to face in a cramped booth and Alec barely had the space for his leg – which was the reason why their knees were pressing together. It was.

They talked, mostly about Magnus’s job and the common points and differences between their studies. Alec didn’t have the artistic fiber, he actually liked construction and calculation more than imagining and drawing, so they didn’t chose this path for the same reasons. Which didn’t mean they couldn’t relate to terrible sessions of CAD and the trouble with meeting project deadlines. Magnus was extroverted and engaging, but he wasn’t pushy, and he listened too. Alec didn’t know if it was only him, but Magnus had the talent for making him feel at ease – something that rarely happened with people he didn’t know well.

He didn’t have the guts to ask if this was really a date, but still, it was great. And so, it couldn’t last. Because reasons. And so, they started talking about internship and working practice.

“They pay you? You’re lucky. Usually those internships don’t bring anything.”

“Yeah, it’s a big frim, they employ a bunch of interns every summer, a small army really. They don’t pay much, but still.”

“So why are you working at the cleaning agency? Must be hard to manage the two. You still live at home, yeah? Are you saving up or something?”

And just like that, Alec’s mood plummeted from sky high to the center of the earth.

Of all the questions Magnus could have asked, this was definitely the worst one. He busied himself with his fries, unable to meet his gaze. He opened his mouth, but he didn’t know what he wanted to say.

Alec couldn’t lie, he couldn’t and he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to hide things either. It would come up sooner or later. But he had hoped it would be a lot later.

“You don’t have to…” started Magus but Alec cut him abruptly.

“I don’t get paid for this.”

Magnus raised an eyebrow, confused.

“I don’t understand.”

Alec ran a hand through his unruly hair, messing them up even more than they already were.

“I’m doing community service,” he said in one breath, and proceeded to hide in his fries.

Magnus hid a bewildered expression by taking a sip of his soda, looking with new and quite confused eyes at his interlocutor.

“I… wouldn’t have peg you for the… type,” he commented lamely.

“You don’t know me,” mumbled Alec back, a bit defensive, before face palming mentally. Like he was the one who could act shocked right now.

The conversation didn’t recover from the confession. It was obvious Magnus didn’t know what else to say, probably because the only thing he wanted was ask more about this. He refrained, but didn’t say anything else, and Alec wasn’t capable to change topic  like it was nothing.

It wasn’t so terrible. There was a lot of reasons why people could end up doing community service. But since he couldn’t really explain his, he didn’t dare imagine what scenarios Magnus was conjuring right now. The fact that he didn’t expand on it made him look worse than it actually was. But he couldn’t tell.

They finished quickly and in silence, and Alec almost expected Magnus to turn down the ride, but he said nothing. He brought Magnus home, and after a last unsure smile, they parted ways without a word.

As soon as he arrived home, Alec went to Izzy’s room. She was scrolling her phone on her bed with a bored expression but perked up when she saw him, before growing serious again. He had to look quite dejected.

“Hey, what’s up?” she asked gently, making room for him to sit next to her.

“I went out to eat something with Magnus tonight,” he said.

“That’s… good? How did it go?” she asked cautiously. He started picking at a thread on her bedcover, avoiding her gaze.

“He asked me why I worked at the cleaning agency.”

He didn’t look up to see her reaction but he didn’t need to. She rested a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“He reacted badly?”

“He didn’t say anything but… And I didn’t either. I didn’t tell him why. It didn’t work in my favor I guess.”

She made non-comital sound.

“I… I’d like to tell him. I know it’s stupid for a guy I barely know, but I… I want to see him again, and I don’t want to lie to him. So I wanted to ask you if it was okay with you. I won’t go into details but I… I shouldn’t care what he thinks, but I do. I don’t want him to make up crazy stories, and I don’t want to lie either.”

When he finally stopped talking, he left room for a heavy silence to take all the space between them. He was looking out her window, where he could vaguely make out the shapes of the dying bushes in their small backyard. No one took care of them anymore. They were decaying, like the rest of the house, like the relationship between the members of their family. Because no one took care of it.

Well, it wasn’t true. Not for what they had, Izzy and him. Not when she was pressing against his arm, her long hair falling on his chest, because she didn’t know what to say, because she didn’t need to talk. She had never told him explicitly not to talk about the sad story of her and her asshole of a boyfriend, but he hadn’t anyway. She came first, before his need to be honest, before romance, before everything else.

She sniffled.

“Izzy?”

“It just… it makes me sad that that’s what he’ll know of me even before we get to meet,” she whispered. So he had been right. He knew she would have an issue with it, even before she did.

“You don’t know me very well if you don’t think he already knows more about you than about me,” he answered lightly, but with a truth in his words she would recognize. She laughed.

“You’re supposed to make him want to date you, not me.”

“You’re a great argument. I have to talk about the best things in my life.”

This time she didn’t pretend like she wasn’t crying – or wiping her eyes and nose on his t-shirt.

“You can tell him,” she eventually said, still hidden against his shoulder. “If anything it will be a great test of character. If he says anything distasteful, you can punch him in the face.”

“I… better not do that, you know,” he reminded her gently. Punching people in the face had caused them enough trouble as it was.

“Ah, yeah, right. Just throw you glass at him or something, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

“Idiot.”

“You’re the idiot.”

“Speaking of idiot…”

“Jace is at Clary’s.”

They laughed a little, but it lacked real amusement.

 

.

 

_"He could be a criminal, could be closeted. Didn't you swear off those?”_

Magnus hated Ragnor. He hated him. It had to be his fault. Either he had done his research but decided to warn Magnus in a twisted way without actually telling him what he knew, or he was just a warlock, and his words were self-realizing.

Granted, he didn’t know about the closeted part, but he if had to choose, he would have pick this option over the other. Oh well, knowing his luck, Alec was probably both. Because of fucking course.

_“Didn't you swear off those?”_

He hated him so, so much.

A book could be written using his dating history as a reference, a guide called “Who Not To Date”. So, there was the criminal. To be honest, Kitty was probably one of the relationships he regretted the least, even not at all. But a fling with a thief and con artist could only get so far. He just believed he had had enough joined nights in custody and running away from foreign police for this lifetime.

The closeted, he had done. The terrible thing about going out with guys who weren’t out was that it wasn’t fair to either of them. He knew about the struggle, had gone through it, and hadn’t really come out of it unscathed. Haha. Come out of it. Well, let’s say the doors of the closet had some sharp edges. Which was why it wasn’t fair. He hadn’t gone through all that to be thrown back in. But how could he demand the same from someone? It was so damn hard. The only reason he never regretted his own coming out was because he had few family left and they didn’t get along even before that. But had he had better relationships with his stepfather and his mother’s family…

There was no point thinking about that now. He did say that he would at least dodge that bullet in the future.

The worst thing was, it was really Ragnor’s fault, for hitting so close to home. After all, you could get community service for a lot of reasons. The only reason Magnus never got any real trouble that summer he spent with Kitty was that they mostly annoyed rich tourists in South America, and that wasn’t really worth the chase there.

So yeah, it could be pretty harmless. Or it could be quite bad. What did Alec do? Thieve, fight, degradation? Why didn’t Magnus just ask, instead of reacting like Alec had admitted he was a drug lord?

On the other hand, why did that idiot was doing community service? Why not regular service? It wasn’t fair.

Also, he was whining like a five years old.

“What?”

“I said you’re whining like a five year old. Are you alright?”

Magnus lifted his head from where it was buried in his arm to look at his colleague. Elias wasn’t there – probably fetching more coffee and more snickers bars from the vending machine. Will and Tessa were looking at him and Magnus suddenly felt in their son James’s shoes. It wasn’t very pleasant.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry. It’s okay. I’m over reacting.”

They didn’t insist, which was a bit vexing. Was it so common that they accepted it immediately as a good enough explanation?

“Oh, we were thinking about wrapping up early on Friday and having some people over for dinner. Elias is on board of course, and my sister will be there too. You in? Or are you seeing that boy of yours?” Will asked with a final wink, but frowned when Magnus only sighed.

“You know what, I don’t think I will,” he answered gloomily.

“Something happened?” pressed Tessa gently, more perceptive than her husband. Magnus shrugged.

“Well I hope you won’t run into him then,” added Will, apparently set on not being helpful at all. “Man, that’d be weird.”

Tessa looked at him with a look that clearly said “Why did I even marry you”, but Magnus was too busy freaking out to be as entertained as he usually was by it. What if he did run into Alec? Worse, what if Alec ran into him? He knew where he worked, and when. Maybe that was it, maybe Alec had been tried for harassment, for following people home and waiting for them at their job, and he would seek Magnus out if he didn’t make contact. He had done so before.

On the bright side, there was no chapter called “The Stalker” in that guide. Yet.

He hated everything.

 

.

 

Friday came without any more contact being made, and with Magnus getting more and more convinced that he was going to get ambushed at the end of the day. He couldn’t help it. Alec didn’t look like a crazy stalker. He looked nice, harmless. Then again, Imasu had looked like he was serious about them, and Camille had looked like she wanted to get married – to him, they had. Maybe that was the problem. That he was a blind fool.

He had gotten so worked up over this, he was a nervous wreck the entire day, getting more and more agitated as the hours passed. So much that he was almost disappointed not to see Alec’s face suddenly appear pressed against the glass door of their focus room. He watched the corridor from the corner of his eyes but no, no sign of a handsome community worker. He didn’t receive any message either.

That wouldn’t do.

If Alec wasn’t a stalker, he had no reason to avoid him, so he had to come. Which he would do, if he was a stalker, but still. Yeah, it didn’t make sense, but he was stressed and pissed at being stressed, especially if it was for nothing. He told Will and Tessa he would meet them back at their home later when they all left, and marched resolutely through the floor to look for Alec.

After three tours of the deserted corridors, Magnus was getting inexplicably pissed. Where was he? He couldn't miss community service, he had to be somewhere. Maybe he'd call in sick, maybe he had asked to be moved elsewhere. That was rich. How dare he avoid Magnus? Magnus was the one supposed to avoid him.

He walked to the janitor's closet. If the supplies were there, that meant Alec indeed hadn't come. He opened the door wide, a bit dramatically probably, imagining the camera filming the movie adaptation of that book, traveling from his face to the empty closet.

Except the closet wasn't empty.

Sitting on the floor, playing Fruit Ninja on his phone, was one Alec Lightwood.

The man jumped and looked up with wide eyes, not prepared to be interrupted in the janitor’s closet. They stared at each other long enough for the comedy of the situation to fade, leaving an awkward moment of silence that would have been cut in the movie.

Alec was the first one to talk. He said "Hello".

He said "Hello" and Magnus stared. He couldn't remember what he had been thinking, what he was doing here in the first place. He frowned at Alec, who scrambled to his feet, embarrassed.

"Are you hiding?" Magnus asked bluntly, because it really looked like it. Alec opened his mouth once but thought better of it and closed it, pondering, before opening it again.

"Yeah."

"From me?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

Magnus hadn't pictured this scenario at all. He was a bit lost.

"Why would you want to avoid me?" he wondered aloud, trying to make sense of these new parameters. A stalker surely wouldn't avoid his object of interest. Unless it was a ploy, but Magnus wouldn't go there. He wasn't _that_ paranoid.

"I don't want to. But I figured maybe you would."

They looked ridiculous, talking with uncertain words half in and half out the janitor's closet. He raised an eyebrow, waiting for a better explanation. Alec looked more uncomfortable than ever, looking everywhere but at Magnus – with a special interest for his shoes and the brooms stored in the closet.

"I... I saw your friends come out and I... I didn't want to run into you. In case you... hum, didn't want to see me."

"Oh."

Oh, indeed. That was... something. How was it a thing? Why did Alec think he wouldn't want to? Okay, so maybe he was right, but what was his train of thought? That Magnus would be put off by his outlaws activity? That he would just walk away, end whatever they were trying, without much success, to do with their relationship?

That he was right wasn't the point. The point was Alec shouldn't have to think like this. He shouldn't. Magnus didn't know him, he couldn't judge, so Alec didn't have to hide, didn't have to look so guilty, so ashamed.

Why was Magnus only realizing that now?

"Well, I do. Want to see you."

And it didn't matter that it was only true since a few seconds ago.

"Actually, I was looking for you. I wanted to ask you something," Magnus said, but then Alec made eye contact again with both determination and doubts showing on his face.

"I’ll tell you anything you want to know. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything the other day, it was stupid. I’ll tell you. I’m sorry," Alec almost screamed to his face, in a rush Magnus could barely make out.

Magus blinked, taken aback.

"I… didn’t mean to ask about that," he let out. Alec was very close to him, a bit worked up by his tirade, and now Magnus was convinced they looked like idiots.

"No?" asked Alec with a small voice, surprised.

"I wanted to ask you out. Dinner. Tomorrow night."

That was such a lie. Magnus was the worst.

But right now that really was what he wanted to ask. Even if it was incredibly ill timed and bound to fail, he didn't see what else he could say right now.

Okay, probably a lot of things, but he didn't work so well under pressure. And Alec was very close. It was a lot of pressure. Especially with this expression of bewilderment and uncertainty, and maybe a little awe, like he couldn't quite believe what was happening.

Magnus couldn't either, but maybe there was still hope for them.

"I... yeah."

Now they had matching emotions on their face.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

And then, just like that, Alec smiled. It was the smallest thing, barely a turn of the lips, eyes softer and traits more relaxed, but it was everything Magnus didn't know he wanted to witness until now.

The moment however was completely ruined by the loud ringing of his phone.

Magnus cursed and fumbled inside of his bag to fetch the device. Will was calling. Magnus had completely forgotten about him.

"Yeah?"

"Are you there soon? The kids are starving and we'll soon be out of appetizers."

"Yeah, yeah, I was... held up. I'll be there in a few."

A good thing they didn't live that far away from their workplace.

"Okay, hurry up if you don't want to miss the starters.

"Come on, wait for me guys."

"Of course we'll wait for you!" he heard Tessa scream in the background. He hung up and focused back on Alec, who hadn’t moved, and seemed a little lost.

“I’m sorry, I have to go. But… tomorrow, right?”

“Right.”

Magnus quenched the absurd urge to kiss Alec’s lips, still parted in surprise. It really wasn’t a good time for that.

He left with the feeling that Alec was staring at his retreating back, a feeling confirmed when he turned around the corner and caught the sight of the tall man still motionless in the janitor’s closet, with that small smile still in place.

Magnus decided that his friends were bad luck for his relationships and refused to explain to his colleagues why he was smiling like an idiot all night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I ranted [on my tumblr](http://inrainbowz.tumblr.com/post/151347774407/this-is-a-rant#notes) so that I wouldn't rant here, so I won't. Just, please, if you're reading this and you liked it, please tell me. I feel very alone. Thank you, and see you!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Alec's turn to freak out. Some yellings too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if I mentionned that Alec was me is that fic, but he is, he's definitely me. Thank you for following this story and to anyone who commented. I hope you'll enjoy this one too!

“Alec, you need to calm down.”

It was the third time Izzy was saying this in as many minutes, and it was as ineffective as the first two. Alec continued pacing frantically in her small room – he looked like a feline trapped in a cage. A small feline. A cat. A kitten.

In one word, adorable, but Izzy figured now wasn't the best time to tell him this.

Growing tired of his incessant moves – and he was communicating his stress to her, which was a very uncool thing to do – she got up to put a physical end to it. He was so lost in his turmoil that he almost slammed into her. If she hadn't had her arms stretched out to intercept him, he would have walked on her, probably without even noticing.

She grabbed his shoulders firmly and caught his gaze.

"Alec, calm down," she enforced with a strong voice. Only then did he seem to notice her.

"You look like mom," he said, which earned him a well-deserved punch in the shoulder.

"Why is insulting me the first thing that comes to you?" she accused with a leveled gaze. He just looked at her with soft eyes and a soft smile, like she was the one being adorable. Which she wasn't. She was fierce.

"It wasn't an insult, Iz’" he whispered gently, and there was sadness in his tone. She hated when he used genuine and heartfelt comments to reply to sarcastic gibes. She used it as a defense. He had no right to see straight through it and expose her like this, it wasn't fair.

"Whatever," she dismissed quickly, "I think I'd rather see you freak out about your date."

It was a mean attack. His composure crumbled again.

"I don't know what to do. It's going to be a disaster," he said quietly, mostly to himself. She shook his shoulders to bring him back to the present and out of the pit of despair he was plunging into.

"No it's not. Everything is going to be fine Alec, it's just a date. So yeah, maybe it won't be the best time of your life or the first of many you'll recall at your wedding someday, but it's not armed combat either."

"You give the weirdest pep talk," he declared, but he already looked more relaxed. She smiled.

"I know, I'm the best. But really, Alec, be cool, okay? He asked you out, so he wants this, at least a little. Chances are he's nervous too. I'm not going to say he's as nervous as you because I don't think it's possible, but yeah. He's just a guy, and you're just a guy, you're going to go out, eat, drink and talk, maybe more, maybe not, and that's it. You come home at the end of it all, and life goes on. It will be fine."

It looked like he was finally hearing what she was trying to say. He sat down on her bed with a heavy sigh and she settled next to him, hoping that he would share what was really weighing on his mind.

"I'll have to tell him about our family, about Jace," he sighed, defeated. She clicked her tongue.

"You don't have to tell him anything you don’t want to. This is a date, not a court hearing. You don’t have to answer questions you don't want to answer, and you're free to keep things for yourself, to share them later or not at all."

"He deserves to know."

"Bip, wrong. He doesn't. You've known him for two weeks tops, it's none of his business. Try again."

"Fine, then maybe I want him to know," grumbled Alec. He was frowning, his lips set in an angry fold, like he always did when he was displeased with himself. Her poor brother, it was hard for him, being sensitive and at the same time clueless about his own messy feelings.

"Then tell him. Share, Alec, for once, take the risk. I think it will do you good to talk about this with someone who's outside of it all, even if it doesn’t work out, even if you never see each other again."

"How does that make sense?'"

"Have you never met someone at a party or an event, and you just sit down for a while and suddenly you find yourself sharing your life story, things you never told anyone? Their judgment don't matter, there are no consequences."

"I don't talk with people I don't know. And there will be consequences."

"Like what, a failed date? The end of a potential something? Happens all the time, bro. Better now than later."

"Please don't call me bro."

She punched his shoulder again, but there was not heat behind the words, or moves. He was finally smiling again.

“What would I do without you?” he asked, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She leaned against him.

“I wonder.”

“Okay, I have to get out of the house until tonight or I’ll go crazy. I’ll go buy some groceries, mom put a list together, do you want anything?”

“Vanilla ice cream and some cotton disks. Oh, and tampons please? Jace “forgot” last time,” she said with aerial air quote, conveying what she thought of his convenient memory. Alec chuckled.

“You know Jace’s not comfortable with this.”

“Jace is an idiot. He’ll have to get used to it if he wants to live with Clary,” she said without thinking. They both ticked on the words. Alec opened his mouth but she cut him off.

“A problem for another time. Off you go now!” she exclaimed with forced cheers, shooing him out of the room. He wasn’t fooled, but he went along. He didn’t want to broach the subject any more than she did.

Maybe it was a good thing he was out, because some time later, Jace arrived back home. He had spent the night at Clary’s again, and Izzy wanted to suggest he started paying for rent and food there. Weren’t Jocelyn and Luke getting tired of this? Probably not. They adored Jace, and well, at least when he was there they could keep an eye on him.

She got up when she heard him knock on Alec’s door.

“He’s out to the grocery store,” she told him when she opened the door. He looked surprised, and she realized that it was the first time in a long time they were alone together. He had come to the same conclusion, judging by the ill-at-ease look he tried to hide behind a smile.

“Oh. I wanted to ask you guys if you wanted to go out tonight? Clary’s friend’s band is playing in a bar, I thought we could all go.”

He was trying to play it cool and failing. She was too.

“Huh, yeah, that would be great. I’d like too, it’s been a long time since I went out with Clary.”

She didn’t mean to sound accusing, but the fact remained that with things being strained between her and Jace, Clary had to pick a side, no matter how much she didn’t want to. They were close friends, and Izzy missed her. She missed Jace too. The worse thing was she didn’t think he knew.

“But Alec can’t,” she added. “He has a date.”

Jace frowned.

“With that Magnus guy?”

“Yeah.”

“Well maybe I’ll ask him anyway. It’s been a while since we went out together, like you said, so.”

She saw red. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“No way. You won’t ask him.”

“What? Why?”

“Because if you do, he’ll say yes. He’ll jump on any occasion to hang out with you, so he’ll cancel his date, and he’ll say yes.”

“And what is wrong with that?”

“Are you serious? You’ve been avoiding us for weeks. Always out doing Angels know what, getting your ass kicked, worrying the shit out of us. Alec is finally thinking about something else than you, and you’re not going to ruin this for him because you suddenly remembered we were there.”

“What the… I’ve just been busy!”

“Cut the crap Jace! Busy my ass! Can’t you own up to what you do, for once? We’ve been avoiding each other, how can you deny it? And you know what, it’s only making things worse. We fucked up all right, but we fixed things. I was so fucking mad at you, but I forgave you, ok? What I can’t stomach is how you handle this. What’s up with all the fighting, huh? Do you want to make things even worse? To make sure that Alec took the fall for you for nothing? What is it Jace? Do you think you deserve to be punished? Why do you keep insisting on hurting us? Or have you forgotten that’s what happens when you hurt yourself?”

She was screaming now, voice bouncing against the walls of the corridor and drilling into both their heads. Jace stared at her, split between answering to anger with anger and recoil in guilt, because she was in the right.

He was going to answer when Alec arrived behind him. Judging by the look on his face, he had heard at least part of the conversation – argument. Jace turned to see him coming toward them, and as always when he was overwhelmed, he fled. By the time they had come up with something to say, the front door closed behind him.

"Are you okay?" Alec asked once they were alone. She figured she was giving a poor picture, fists closed in rage, eyes shining with unshed tears, face flushed and body trembling. He didn't wait for an answer to come closer and wrapped her in his arms. She went willingly, relaxing in his embrace. He had always been able to make her feel safe and cared for, no matter what the problem was.

"I shouldn't have yelled like that," she whispered guiltily, even if she didn't really mean it. She hadn’t realized how much she had on her plate and how much she wanted to yell at Jace. She felt a little lighter now.

Alec didn't say anything – he probably didn't know what to say. It was fine. She was rarely asking for advice, she preferred to fare alone. She just needed someone to listen sometimes – and a shoulder to cry onto.

"How did your shopping trip go?" she asked after a while, like nothing had happened. She didn't want to talk about it anymore. She would sort this out with Jace – for good, she hoped.

"Good. I bought some post-date necessities."

"What, like condoms?" she squealed, delighted. He turned bright red.

"No! Not that!"

"What could possibly be a necessity after a date beside condom? Lube?" she teased, not resisting the opportunity to embarrass him even more.

"I meant comfort things. You know. Chocolate. Soda. The first season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on DVD."

"You're such a girl," she laughed, before growing more serious. "But really, you didn’t have to. It will be fine Alec."

"Well it will be celebratory things then," he suggested with a sheepish laugh. That's when she realized that, besides all his insecurities and his certitude that there was no way he could have a successful night, he still was happy. He really was, like she had rarely seen him, and it was such a welcome sight, in the mess that was their life right now.

"Yeah," she answered softly. “Let's celebrate when you come back tonight. Because you have to come back, you hear me? No funny business."

"Why not?"

"Because you didn't buy any condoms!"

"I didn't say that."

She faked a scandalized scream at that, as he blushed even more, but he was smiling too, obviously proud of himself.

"You slut,” she accused with an attempted judging tone, ruined by her grin.

"Takes one to know one."

"And immature too!"

"Takes one to know one!"

She would have answered something even less clever, but she was too busy stifling a laugh, like a kid facing the best joke of all time. Alec was laughing too, always quiet and subdued, always trying to hide it like he would somewhat be scorned for it. So she laughed louder, because she knew he would follow, because he needed to be told it was okay, it was safe, he could laugh all he wanted. And so he did, they did, even if it wasn't that funny, but it was so nice, they didn't want to stop.

 

.

 

Alec felt infinitely better after talking to Izzy. She usually had this effect on him, when she wasn't teasing him to death. She was right, it was a date, not a fight to death. And frankly, he had survived pretty terrible dates, he would be fine.

He was worried about Jace, but for once he decided that was a problem for another day.

He was picking Magnus up at eight and it took about twenty minutes to ride there, so of course he was out of the house at 7.20 and he waited at the corner of the street like an idiot. He figured being five minutes early was acceptable and went on to ring the bell after his third game of fruit ninja.

"Yeah?"

"Hi Magnus. It's me. Alec. It's Alec."

"Oh my, I’m so not ready, come up! I'll fix you a drink."

And with that, the buzzer for the front door rung and Alec opened the door feeling like he was walking to purgatory. This was so not in his plan. Was it okay to just go to Magnus's place like this? Was there something behind it? Maybe he had read it wrong, Magnus had no intention to go out to dinner with him, he just wanted some sex and to be done with it. Maybe he didn't even like him at all.

It took Alec ten minutes to go up three flights of stairs. By the time he got there, Magnus was waiting at the door with a worried expression.

"I was starting to think you had gotten lost," he laughed when Alec entered the flat. The door closed behind them. Alec felt a bit trapped.

"I’m really sorry, I have poor time management and I was hoping maybe you'd be late, to cover the fact that I was too. Do you mind if I finish getting ready?"

"You're not?" Alec couldn’t help but ask. Magnus was dressed to the nine, nice printed shirt and fitting pants, he looked great, his hair look great, everything about him was pretty great. Apart from the frankly scandalized look on his face.

"I didn't do my make up," he stated like it was obvious.

"Oh, sorry. I didn't notice."

Magnus rolled his shoulders dramatically.

"Glad to know my effort are appreciated. He didn't notice!"

Alec's breath quickened in panic. He couldn't tell if Magnus was joking or not.

"Ah, sorry, I... I didn't mean to... I mean..."

"No no, it's okay, I was just joking, sorry..."

They stared awkwardly at each other, struggling to find something else to say. This was the kind of situation that prompted Alec to embarrass himself with unwanted confessions.

"I just meant you already looked good," he mumbled, half hoping he wouldn't be heard.

He was, and Alec saw with no small amount of fascination, Magnus, who always looked amazing and surely was never short on compliments from anyone, blush lightly with a pleased smile.

"Well, thank you," he answered smoothly, but the deed was done. And maybe, Alec thought, maybe it would be fine. Magnus looked confident and sure of himself, but they were equal in front of the hazard of the dating game. Izzy was right. Magnus was just a guy. They would try, and if didn't work out, they could stay friends. If it did...Well, he would think about it when they got there.

Maybe they would kiss. Oh well. Later, later.

"Do you want something to drink? I opened a nice bottle of red wine this afternoon."

"I don't know a lot about wine."

"You don't have to. Come on."

Alec followed him in the kitchen area – the loft was an open plan, and he guessed that only the bathroom was given the privilege of being hidden by walls. There was a bed in a corner near one of the window, shelves and racks piled with clothes isolating it a bit from the rest of the place. All was colorful and mismatched, and Magnus had a lot of stuff. Really, a lot.

All in all the place looked personal, well lived in, and not really like Magnus himself, or the idea Alec had of him. He would have expected something more glossy and ordered, steel and glass maybe, something classy. This looked more like a teenage lair.

Alec liked it this way.

Magnus handed him a glass of wine Alec sipped quietly while listening to the other man rummage in the bathroom. The door was open, but Alec didn't look. For some reason the make-up process felt to intimate for him to spy on. He had never gone out with a guy who wore make up on a regular basis, and it was a bit weird in his book. Generally speaking, Magnus wasn’t like any guy Alec had ever dated at all. He wasn't going to mention that though. Besides, it did look very good on the man. Alec could get used to it.

"Do you know where you want to go?" yelled Magnus from the bathroom, waking Alec up from his thoughts.

"Huh, no. Not really no."

"Do you mind if I chose then? I know a lot of very good places. How do you feel about Ethiopian?"

"I don't mind. I mean, it's fine."

"That's settled then"

Alec turned toward Magnus who had exited the bathroom, not expecting him to be that close. Alec stumbled a bit and found himself even closer. Magnus looked up at him, surprise painted on his face but not moving an inch.

"All set," he whispered, and his voice sounded much more soft and intimate than it ought to be in that situation. There was newly applied eyeliner on his eyelids, thin and light, a dust of specks catching the light on the corner of his eyes. His lips were shining softly. Alec was mesmerized.

"You... you look..." he tried, but trailed off. He didn't know what he wanted to say. He wondered if Magnus could tell how completely out of his depths he was.

"Thanks," he whispered, and Alec didn't know if he was getting even closer or if he was just zeroing on Magnus's lips with a focus that took all the space in his brain, but if nothing happened, he was going to kiss him.

Something happened. In the form of a running ball of fur that crashed into his legs and almost made him fall. He flayed a bit, taken aback by the sudden attack.

"Chairman! Could you have a worse timing?" Magnus scolded the ball who was actually a small cat who was presently trying to climb Alec's leg. He winced when he felt the claws catch onto his skin. Magnus seemed split between amusement and exasperation, and he waited a little before rescuing Alec.

"Well, I guess introductions are in order. Alec, Chairman Meow, Chairman, Alec. He's a person, not a ladder," he added before getting hold of the cat to unhook him from Alec's jeans. He handed the animal to Alec, with a “don’t worry, he’s nice” that didn’t do anything to soothe his worry. Their own cat Church was a menace, and he would never have handed him to a stranger like this if he valued said stranger’s health.

Magnus’s cat was harmless though. He snuggled against his torso and Alec couldn’t help but smile, even if the thing had all but ruined the moment. When he looked up though, Magnus had an incredibly fond look on his face, and Alec figured that if the cat could earn him some points in Magnus’s book, he could forgive him.

“I’m glad you two get along. He doesn’t always take to strangers.”

“Could have said that before you handed him to me!”

“I was testing you. I don’t go out with anyone my cat doesn’t like.”

This time even though Magnus was trying to keep a straight face, Alec was sure he was joking. Almost sure.

“Is there anymore criteria then?” he asked, suddenly possessed with the spirit and smooth talking of his younger brother. Magnus looked pleasantly surprised.

“I’ll let you know.”

There was still a cat between them, preventing any form of rapprochement, so they just stared at each other, and it was probably a good thing no one was there to witness it. Chairman wriggling out of Alec’s grasp pulled them out of it. They laughed a little. It was less embarrassing if it was the two of them.

“Let’s go then?”

“Let’s go."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Doesn't it look like things are getting good? Next chapter will be longer 'cause I didn't want to cut the date. We may even have Jace getting his shit together soon, what a concept. Thank you for reading, tell me what you think, see you!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ouh yeah, here we are! Some things happening between our two dorks! I'm so happy. Also we learn a bit more about Izzy and Jace, but not all. Thanks to NightChanger for the corrections, and to all of you who commented this.
> 
> Also ladyklaus92 made an [amazing aestethic](http://ladyklaus92.tumblr.com/post/152003095623/aesthetic-inspired-from-youve-got-a-lot-of-heart) for this story, thanks again, go check it out!
> 
> PSA : I'm the worst planner in existence so I made a mistake at the begining of the fic that was blocking me for later in the story. I came back and changed it : in the third chapter, Alec no longer talk about Magnus to Maia and Lily, cause they don't know he's gay. You don't have to go read it but I'm warning you for later chapter so that you don't scream "CONSISTANCY FAIL" at me. 
> 
> Enjoy!

There were both upsides and downsides in picking a place you knew well for a first date. The upsides were obvious: Magnus knew the restaurant and its entire staff, they were guaranteed a good spot and fast service. He also knew the menu by heart, could recommend something Alec would enjoy for sure, and there was no risks of being disappointed by a poor choice of place.

Now the downsides, which Magnus should really have thought through, was that knowing the staff meant the staff knew him. Specifically, him and his dating history.

Specifically, him and the number of first dates he had brought there.

He felt like banging his head on the table. How had he forgotten that? Lucy, who was their waitress this time, kept throwing him knowing looks and he was sure there was already a bet going on about how bad this would end, and how quickly.

Usually, it made him laugh, but now he was terrified one of them was going to make an inappropriate comment to Alec. He'd rather keep the fact that he was a dating disaster in the Later Box, or even the Never Box.

Luigi, who owned the place, cooked the specialties and was a longtime friend, brought their dishes himself, and Magnus suspected it was only to assess his date for the night. This was the worst idea ever.

"Here you go boys! Magnus, it's been a long time."

It wasn't. Unless he wasn't speaking about how long ago he had been to the restaurant, but how long ago he had brought anyone. It was probably a long time indeed, compared to what they were used to. Maybe that would clue them in the extraordinary characteristic of this particular date.

"And who's your friend this time?"

Maybe not.

They didn't mean any harm. They couldn't know. Most of his dates knew his reputation – it was even the reason why they agreed to this in the first place. A nice date, a nice night, and they could delete each other's number. He was fine with that, he really was, but this wasn't like that right now, and he had no way to make Luigi understand that.

"That’s Alec. Alec, this is the owner and chef, Luigi. We’re good friends."

"That we are. Well, enjoy your meal then!" Luigi said with a huge smile to both of them, before retreating to his kingdom.

"You come here often then?" Alec asked timidly. It was a good thing the restaurant wasn't too crowded, because he was talking really low. He looked like the kind of guy who made himself the most invisible, small and quiet thing possible in public spaces. Even the attention of the waitress seemed too much for him. Lucky for him, Lucy only flirted with Magnus’s female date.

On one memorable occasion, the girl had actually ditched him for her.

"I do. My friends and I are regulars," Magnus answered. It was the truth, even if that was not all of it. Small steps, small steps.

"Raphael, right? The one we met the other day. And, hum… Ragnor?"

"Yeah. Ragnor is a childhood friend and I met Catarina in high school. Raphael came later. My ex introduced us actually."

He bit his tongue discreetly to chastise himself. He had a rule against mentioning exes, and a rule about mentioning that ex especially. Unfortunately, Camille had always been good at worming her way into his thoughts and consuming them.

"The one with the bike?" Alec questioned cautiously. Magnus tried to smile.

"You have a good memory."

They lessened the awkwardness of the sudden silence by digging into their food. It was delicious as always. Only Alec seemed to have some trouble with his.

"Everything's okay? You don’t like it?"

Magnus had asked if he could order for both of them, and with Alec's ascent, had requested the same thing he always did, because it was too damn good.

"No, no, it is, but it's... spicy."

Alec coughed a raspy breath, and Magnus bit his tongue, again, both as punishment and to prevent himself from laughing.

He was the worst person in the universe.

Luigi knew he took his dishes extra spicy, and he hadn't thought about asking Alec if it was alright with him. Seeing the boy's red face and how he was gulping his water, it wasn't.

"I’m sorry," Magnus offered weakly, growing concerned with Alec health. Tears were gathering at the corner of his eyes and Magnus thought, horrified, that he was going to start crying and leave.

But instead, Alec burst into laughter.

It was an inelegant mix of coughing and chuckling, while he still tried to put not spicy things into his mouth – mainly water and bread, and he took a suspiciously wanting look at his napkin but refrained.

"Oh angels, it's so spicy," he laughed, breathing with his mouth open as if that had ever worked to lessen that kind of pain. "How do you eat that? I feel like my mouth is on fire."

His whole face was red. He was panting, trying to put on a brave front and mostly failing. Magnus started laughing too. He laughed and laughed and then he couldn't stop. It was ridiculous. Alec was laughing too, even through his pain, and they got dirty looks from the people sitting around them. Neither of them cared.

"I’m so, so sorry," Magnus kept repeating between fits of laughter muffled quite inefficiently by a hand in front of his mouth. Alec was slowly recovering from his predicament, but he was now looking at his plate with great distrust.

"I'll order you another one," Magnus said once he was calmer. Alec immediately protested.

"Don’t do that! There’s no need."

"Come on, you can't eat that. You’ll die."

"I won't."

"Okay, but you'll suffer. I promise it's no big deal, it's my fault anyway. Lucy!"

The request was placed before Alec could protest more. Lucy had the good taste not to laugh, not in front of them at least, and Alec had a less lethal plate in front of him a few minutes later, brought by a Luigi obviously torn between guilt and great amusement.

"Good then?" Magnus asked once Alec looked convinced this plate wouldn't harm him.

"Yeah, I really like it. I'm sorry for this, I'm really not big on spicy food. My spicy game is weak."

"And mine is way too strong. I’m the one who's sorry. I should have asked."

"You’re forgiven," Alec said playfully with a small smile, and Magnus felt the evening was finally back on track.

Magnus talked about Catarina, Ragnor and Rafael. The few crazy holidays they had gone to together, their heated cinematic debate and the fact that they never seem to agree on anything. Alec asked if he meant that they never agreed with him, and Magnus answered that they surely would agree with him if they were there. Which led to an unspoken agreement that they would eventually meet. Which filled him with a pretty even mix of elation and dread. It was a thing to worry about later though.

At some point Alec grew strangely quiet. He kept folding his napkin and playing with his glass, and he avoided eye contact all of the sudden. If he had been shy on that most the times they had met, he had a strange focus when they were talking face to face like this. He stared. It was a bit unsettling.

It was gone though.

“Everything’s okay?” Magnus asked and Alec jumped, surprised out of his own head.

“Yeah, sorry, huh… I… You… you, don’t you want to ask?”

“What?”

“Don’t you want to ask? About… you know. What I told you the other day.”

“I… well, I want to know, but I’m not sure I want to ask. Do you want me to?”

“What?”

“Ask.”

It was getting complicated.

“Would you answer, if I asked you?” Magnus tried again. Alec looked at him them, determined.

“Yes.”

.

Was he sweating? He felt like he was sweating. He was hot, and not because of Magnus, even if the man was stunning and very hot. Not in the same way Alec was hot right now though. He saw Magnus open his mouth, probably to ask his question. And once again, he let his mouth take the lead.

“I got community service for beating up my sister’s boyfriend.”

Which was the truth. It was. It was what was written on his sentence.

Magnus looked like that wasn’t what he expected. Then again, he probably expected everything and nothing. Whatever. He didn’t seem to like what he heard, which Alec could understand. He was so bad at telling things. That’s why he preferred being questioned. He could answer questions. Saying things on his own, that was another story.

“Okay… why?”

It was so much worse with people he didn’t know well. He knew next to nothing about Magnus. His opinions, his way of thinking and living, if they were similar or polar opposites. Magnus was trying not to be judgmental, to hear him out, but he seemed ready to bolt. What would be it for him, what would make him flee? This was one of the reasons why Alec didn’t lie. Lies could be as bad as the truth anyway.

He tried to guess what Magnus could be imagining right now. Jace was useful for this kind of thing. This was his area. Say the right thing. Look good. Appease people.

Or anger them, whichever his goal was.

Alec took too long to think.

“You didn’t approve of him or something? He was not to date your sister?” Magnus asked, clearly hostile. This was going to get messy very soon if Alec didn’t talk right now.

“No, no, it’s not that. Well, I guess we didn’t approve in the end but it’s not… no, it’s not a big brother thing, like I didn’t want her to date him or something. It’s true I didn’t, but not at first. Not…”

He was getting frustrated with himself, which could very easily lead to him crying like the emotional mess he was. He took a deep breath, trying not to look at Magnus.

“He hit her,” he whispered. He realized it was the first time he was saying those words out loud. “He… she came home one day and… you know. Like in the movies. The bruises, the cut, the “I’m fine, I tripped”. Jace and I, we flipped. He… we went to see him and… things… got out of hand.”

That was an understatement. They were no stranger to fighting, Jace especially, and for it to land Alec some community service, it went way out of hand alright.

And it was a bad thing. It shouldn’t have gone this way. It didn’t solve anything, the guy beat up and Luke trying to limit the damage. It made a terrible situation even worse.

“He hit her,” Alec repeated, because he needed to say it, he needed to remember what had happened, why he had followed Jace to see the guy in the first place. He didn’t regret it. It would have been much worse if Jace had gone alone.

“He hit her. She said it was just one time but I’m sure… They had this kind of relationship everybody wonders how it keeps going, the “they fight all the time”, the “on-and-off”. She complained about it non stop and it was… it was funny? What did he do this time, what did you do this time, what did you fight about? It was fucked up. But I didn’t… she dates who she wants, yeah? So what if I didn’t like him, I thought I shouldn't meddle, but then she came home and…”

Great idea to start pouring his heart out to a stranger he wanted to date in the middle of a restaurant. He was talking to himself anyway, he hadn’t looked up from his martyrized napkin he was twisting in his hand. He couldn’t look at Magnus. He didn’t know what he wanted to see or hear from him. Maybe nothing. He didn’t know.

“Is she okay?”

Alec didn’t feel so good. He replied with a very eloquent “What?” that gave him at least some respite to put himself together.

“Is she okay? Your sister,” Magnus asked again more slowly, like he was talking to a drunk guy who couldn’t remember where he lived.

“I… I don’t know. I’m not sure. She says she is, but she always hated to look weak. And I think it didn’t help, how it ended. She couldn’t decide if she was happy we hurt the guy or not, if it made her feel better or worse.”

Magnus pondered his words a little. Alec couldn’t talk on his own anymore. He would have to be prompted.

“For you to get community service, I assume the guy was… in a pretty bad shape.”

Alec grimaced.

“My parents manage a boxing centre,” was all he offered as an answer.

“Do you regret it?”

Alec hated lying, he really did, but he had no choice. They had to stick to the official version. Or at least that’s what he told himself. The truth was, he didn’t want to tell Magnus the whole story for the same reasons he hadn’t told Maia and Lily: he didn’t want them to put that etiquette on Jace. He didn’t want him to be labelled without ever having a chance to defend himself against it. He loved his brother, with all his flaws. He wanted to protect him for that too.

“Yeah. It wasn’t the right thing to do,” he eventually admitted. He hoped it was the answer Jace would have given.

"Okay," Magnus said in a long exhale. "Okay. I'm... not going to pretend like I don't care. I can't say I'm... comfortable, with you getting violent enough to get yourself into community service."

"I swear I'm not like that. I was tried as a first offender, because really it's not... it's not like me at all."

It was so much unlike him that he hadn't actually done it, but Magnus didn't know that. He didn't know him well enough. He hadn't even tried this story with his college friends because he knew they would never believe it, even if he had been boxing his entire life. They joked often enough that he would be the one to apologize if someone tripped him in the street. It was funny because it was true.

"I have to take your word for it," Magnus pointed cautiously. Alec knew he could have avoided that. He could tell the truth, put all of it on Jace's back and save his own face, but he couldn't. He was guilty too, for not being able to stop him, for almost helping him knock the teeth out of that guy's mouth. He should have stopped him. He should have been better than that.

He just hoped it wouldn't jeopardized his relationship with Magnus.

"I have a habit of being... cautious. It's quite recent. Born out of necessity, because apparently I can't be trusted with my judging of character skills. I don't know," admitted Magnus.

Alec didn't either. Even in normal circumstances, he wouldn't have any idea on how to convince Magnus to give him a chance. The fact that they were even on a date right now was amazing enough for him. What would he have done, if Magnus had been the one to confess being that violent? He knew plenty of people who got into fights all the time, but this was different. This was shameful.

"It's stupid, but of all the crazy things I imagined you could have done, I was pretty far from the truth."

Alec didn't dare tell him that made it a good guess on his part.

"What did you think of?" he asked before regretting it immediately. He wasn't really interested in what vice Magnus pictured him having. That couldn't be pleasant. Maybe Magnus felt it too, because he broke into a mischievous smile.

"Well, my top hypothesis was that you lead an art supplies traffic at your school."

After so much tension and unpleasant confessions, Alec couldn’t even hope to hold back a laugh.

"Did you ever meet anyone who did that?"

"I may have dabbled, myself. This shit is expensive," deadpanned Magnus before cracking up.

They laughed. The heavy atmosphere lifted around them, the air became breathable again. They locked eyes when they calmed down but for once the silence between them wasn't suffocating. Magnus's eyes were shining with laughter and his smile was soft, engaging. He was beautiful.

He had also slid a hand across the table and was playing nimbly with Alec's fingers, who was perfectly still, fearing he would remove his hand he if dared to move.

"Why did you tell me this?" Magnus eventually asked.

"What?"

"You didn't have to. I wouldn't have pressed for details, you could have been more vague, or even refuse to talk about it for now. You had to know it could... not pass. With me."

Magnus was looking at their joined hand with puzzlement. Was he perplexed by how they had gotten there or by the possible answers to his questions? Alec didn't know.

"I wanted to," he admitted. "I... there is the part that wanted to talk about it with someone, anyone. Other than my siblings."

"Your parents don't know.

"No. We hid it from them. It wasn't that hard."

"Your friends?"

"I didn't tell them."

"Why?."

Alec didn't hesitate.

"Shame, mostly."

Magnus nodded sagely.

"And the other part?"

"The other part wanted to talk... to you. For you to know. Because I was... hoping. For something, between us and I... I couldn't see it happening without telling you the truth."

Half the truth. Alec figured that since the truth was somehow less terrible, for him at least, it wasn't so bad. He also knew he was full of shit, and it would surely come bite him in the ass later. He didn't want to think about it.

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay, let's... It must have been freaking hard to make this call. I'm glad you trusted me with this, without knowing how I would react. And I don't want to go running away now. So."

"...So?"

"Let's go on a second date. After this one."

They were still in the middle of the meal – their half-eaten plates were probably cold by now. It was pretty awesome they had gone that far, especially seeing what Alec had confessed, and Magnus was suggesting another. He wanted to see him again. He was willing to give him a chance.

He could have cried.

"Yeah. Okay, let's... that would be... that would be great."

Magnus beamed. Alec stared.

And then, his phone rung.

They both jumped like idiots, startled by the sudden interruption in a pretty intense moment. Alec apologized while he fetched the device from his pocket, intending to switch it off, but the caller ID made him pause. It was Clary.

Clary never called him, unless there was an issue. An issue named Jace, usually. Always.

"I'm sorry, I have to take that," he apologized to Magnus, who nodded with indulgence. Alec escaped the restaurant and hit the reply button when he was standing on the pavement, hand in his pockets and regretting his jacket draped over his chair.

"Yeah, Clary? What is it?"

"Alec, thank god you answered, you have to come now."

"What? Why, what happened?"

"We are at a bar downtown and Jace got into a fight, he's bleeding all over, it's such a mess... you have to come right now!"

He knew it was that even before he answered, before he saw her name on the screen. He even knew it would happen way before that, when Jace had stormed off in the afternoon. He was going to agree, reluctantly, as always, he would regret it bitterly but he would still go.

Just, he paused. He paused and for a second he wondered why. Why was this happening. Why did he have to come. How unfair it was.

A second was enough for Izzy to snatch the phone from Clary's hand, because her loud, commanding voice startled him out of his thoughts.

"You don’t have to come."

Clary was protesting in the background, asking her what she was doing. He could imagine Izzy keeping the redhead at arms lengths, using their height difference to keep the phone out of her reach. Clary was really short.

"What happened?"

"The usual. Nothing I can't handle. You don't have to come."

"Of course I do, I have to..."

"No. Alec, listen to me. You stay at your fucking date. You stay there do you hear me? I'm done with you catering to Jace. He's a fucking adult, legally at least. He can take care of himself. I can too. I swear to you it's nothing that bad. Clary shouldn't have called you."

The two girls argued quietly for a moment. He couldn't make out what they were saying. He was cold and sad, and he didn't know what to do. He didn't want to go, and he didn't want not to either.

"Izzy..." he whispered, hoping to catch her attention. She must have heard something in his tone because the anger in her voice faded.

"Alec," she said gently, "please trust me. Enjoy your time. Please."

Trust. It had nothing to do with trust. He trusted her, he did. It was him who couldn't let go, who couldn't help but want to be there, to handle everything, to make everything better and easier for them, always. The rational part of his mind new that it was impossible, and it was making him miserable. The emotional part was telling the other to screw it and leave. But also, for the first time, somewhere it was also saying "for once". Just for once, let someone else deal with it. Let them solve this. Trust that they can do it without you. Trust that you can let them do it without you.

It was terrifying. If they didn't need him, what was there for him? He was the Big Brother. That’s all he was.

He was going to protest, to say he was coming anyway, when he felt a sudden weight on his shoulder. It was his jacket. It was his jacket in Magnus’s hands.

"You seemed way too cold standing there," the man said by way of explanation. Alec thought maybe he wanted him to hang up, but Magnus went back inside, sat at their table, and got his own phone out to wait for him.

"Alec?"

"Are you sure? Izzy, tell me. Are you sure?"

"Oh come on. Have a little faith. He's done worse, I promise. It will be fine. I'll take him home. The other guy is not much worse, it's nothing. Stay there. Enjoy. You deserve it okay?"

"We'll talk about it when I get home."

"When you get home we'll talk about your date, Alec. No argument. Go back to it now, don't leave the poor guy waiting."

Alec lingered still, having a hard time hanging up. The noises changed behind Izzy - they had probably left the bar. He couldn't hear Jace.

"I won't be home late," he finally promised, compromising. She sighed audibly but didn't argue further.

"You don’t have to, but ok. I'll see you then. Bye."

"Bye. Take care."

"I will."

She was the on to end the call. She knew he wouldn't.

Alec stared at the black screen, conflicted. How was he going to keep his head in the date now? He was already low key worrying about Jace every time he wasn’t in his direct line of sight.

He jumped when he received a message.

_Come back inside?_

He raised his head abruptly. Magnus was looking at him from inside the restaurant. He had a gentle smile on his face, like he knew, somehow, what Alec was thinking. And maybe Alec was imagining things, but he also looked… unsure?

Maybe he thought Alec was going to leave.

And he couldn’t, Alec realized. He couldn’t do that to him. He didn’t want to. He had not doubt Magnus would understand, but still, he didn’t want to. Magnus didn’t deserve that.

And Alec didn’t either.

He put the phone back into his pocket and went back inside.

.

“You’re okay?” Magnus asked Alec as soon as the young man was back in his seat. He looked agitated and worried, but he put off his jacket and smiled, so he wasn’t going anywhere, like Magnus had feared.

“Yeah I… It’s my brother. He… got into trouble.”

Alec must have seen his confused look, because he let out a short, humorless laugh.

“He often does. Izzy will take care of it.”

“You sure? It’s okay if you need to go.”

It wasn’t, really, it would suck, but Magnus wasn’t an asshole. He would get over it.

“No, it’s fine. She said I didn’t have to and I… I don’t want to make her think that I don’t trust her with this. Beside I… I won’t always be there. I want… I want to stay here. With you.”

It wasn’t fair. For Alec to be so honest and direct, even when it clearly embarrassed him, for him to be so endearing, so cute, it really wasn’t fair. Magnus was supposed to be wary and prudent, but Alec was making a lot of effort to test him.

They ate dessert, but Magnus could see Alec wasn’t really there anymore. He couldn’t fault him. The dinner had been pretty eventful and heavy on the emotional side, and now on top of that he was worrying for something else. Magnus had the feeling Alec was pretty worried in general.

Since they weren’t talking much anymore, Magnus took the opportunity to study him. He had a hard time picturing Alec getting physical with anyone, let alone be the one to initiate it. But he knew what love could draw out of people, what ugly side a person could show when tested. He didn’t like those images, too hard to reconcile with the gentle, unassuming man he had in front of him. He decided not to torture himself with it. Maybe it would become an issue later, or maybe not. He was still willing to give it a shot. His friends would roll their eyes if they were there right now, but he couldn’t be afraid of Alec. Wasn’t it his main problem? Not being able to see how people could hurt him, before they did? Well, he couldn’t change that. Maybe he was yet again rushing head first into heartbreak.

But maybe not.

It wasn’t such a bad thing to have hope, said the voice of Catarina in his head.

“Hey. We should leave,” Magnus suggested after a while. He gestured discreetly for the bill to Lucy. Alec looked disappointed.

“Why? We can… we don’t have to.”

“No, but I can see your already miles away.”

Guilt folded Alec’s face.

“It’s alright, it doesn’t matter. We had a good time, and we’ll see each other again. It’s alright.”

Magnus had an irrepressible urge to soothe Alec’s face and worries.

Lucy put the bill on the table and a new problem arose: they had both taken their wallet out. Magnus wanted to laugh – after the chaos of that evening, to end with something so trivial as battling for the bill was refreshing.

“Let me treat you. I was the one to ask you out; I get dibs for the bills.”

“I feel like I owe you. You bear with me throughout this, I can’t have you pay for it too.”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

Alec raised an eyebrow that conveyed how skeptical he was about this affirmation.

“You don’t have a choice anyway.”

“Why?”

“Because I have Lucy on my side,” Magnus said triumphantly. Lucy had run his card while they were talking. They high fived under Alec’s scandalized look.

“You tricked me,” he pouted.

“Come on. You’ll pay next time.”

That brought a smile back to Alec’s face and Magnus just had to high five Lucy again. He had the impression the whole staff of the restaurant was there to see them off, Luigi included, like proud parents letting their children go to prom. He heard one of the waiters – he wasn’t sure if it was Lucy or not – yell “We hope to see you again soon!” and he knew they meant it. It pleased him to no end.

This time Magnus felt no shame in snuggling into Alec’s back on the bike – even if once again those damn helmets where no help at all. Alec drove fast – faster than the limitation at least – but he wasn’t showing off, trying to impress Magnus, or scare him. He drove smoothly, with softness, care. Magnus could honestly have fallen asleep right there on the bike, if they hadn’t arrived so soon at his loft.

They both dismounted and took their helmets off. And then they stared. They stared at each other, and Magnus knew exactly what he wanted to do, but he also saw Alec squeeze his phone in his pocket, itching to take it out. He sighed. He felt like he would have to get used to Alec’s family being a part of their relationship.

“Off you go then. You’re dying to go back home. I’ll see you on Tuesday.”

“I’m really sorry, I don’t… It has nothing to do with you but…”

“Hey, it’s okay, I get it. We’ll have other opportunities.”

“I wonder why you’re willing to do that again.”

“It didn’t go that bad as first dates go.”

“Really? You’ve had worse than that?”

“Oh yeah, believe me, I did. And the people at the restaurant witnessed most of them. Was it really the worst date ever?”

“I… I guess not. But it could have gone better.”

“Hey, you got a second date. What more could you ask for?”

Magnus realized the meaning of his words as soon as he said it. Alec’s cheek reddened, but he bravely met Magnus’s eyes when he answered.

“M-Maybe a kiss.”

Magnus got closer, partly because he wanted to see the blush spread to his whole face and neck, and partly because his lips were too tempting. Alec looked horrified by his own audacity and by Magnus’s move, too. He was frozen in place.

“Maybe, yeah?” Magnus whispered in the space between them. He was close enough that they couldn’t really look into each other’s eyes. Magnus elected to focus on Alec’s parted lips instead.

“Yeah,” Alec somehow managed to reply in an exhale. Magnus felt it more than he heard him. Alec was taller than him. His head was bent, Magnus’s was up. It would need only a small push.

Magnus had half a mind to step back just for the hell of it. He thought Alec would be too preoccupied to think about that, but he had been wrong, obviously. And as fun as it would be to not kiss Alec now, something even better would be to kiss him instead.

So, he did.

It quickly appeared that it was an excellent idea.

They linked arms, Alec’s cupping his elbows to bring him closer, but the kiss stayed barely more than a press of lips, mostly because they were smiling like idiots. They kissed only a few times before they couldn’t anymore – they were both laughing. It was maybe the nerve, maybe some sort of relief too. Happiness, content. They laughed quietly, forehead pressed together and face split into a wide smile, and Magnus couldn’t regret his choice. Not now, not here, not when it was so great to kiss Alec on the pavement in front of his loft. He couldn’t, and he wouldn’t. Just for this moment right now, it would be worth it.

Alec left, eventually. Magnus didn’t know how long exactly they stayed on the edge of that streetlamp light, kissing in the night near Alec’s bike, but he still left eventually. Magnus was still smiling widely when he went to bed.

.

Alec was torn between getting home as fast as possible to assess the damage, and not getting home at all, fearing his mood would be ruined as soon as he stepped foot inside his house.

It didn’t happen though. The house was quiet, nobody was up, and he only found a note on his bed saying “We’ll talk tomorrow,” signed with a heart. He listened to hear if Izzy was up or not, but there was no sound, no sign that anybody was up. He would take this small blessing gratefully.

His phone announced a message just as he was lying in bed.

_Goodnight._

Alec was filled with a warmth he felt could have got him through the coldest of places.

**_Goodnight._ **

It was a good one indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized that I very rarely write beginings of relationship in my fics. It's either pre-slash or established. So I didn't write many first kisses - in fact I think it's my first Malec one! Emotions.
> 
> Thank you for reading, next time not much Malec but the Lightwood siblings will get some shit straight. Also I have to say, in my head this story is very long. Like veeeeery long. I don't have a definite plan but I have a lot of stuff planned anyway. We're in for a long ride! Please leave a comment, tell me what you think.
> 
> I'm on [tumblr](http://inrainbowz.tumblr.com). Love on you all!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The date went well. The day after, not so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! I know, it's been a while. Well, a longer while than usual. Get used to it cause I'm slowly drowning in school work and you won't hear about me as often in the upcoming month. 
> 
> But well, I had quite a bad day, partly because the elections but not only, so I wanted to post a chapter and make you people happy. Also I talked a bit about it in the comments but don't hate on Jace, yes he's an idiot and he's not handling things well but it happens sometimes, people are stupid and wrong but it doesn't mean they're hopeless. Anyway things get a little better in this chapter on that front. 
> 
> WARNING: There are mentions of domestic abuse in this chapter and mayb there will be again in later chapters.
> 
> Thanks to NightChanger for the corrections and I hope you'll enjoy this.

Magnus's phone woke him up at nine on Sunday morning, and almost ended its life against the wall as a result. Magnus wasn't surprised to see Ragnor's name on the screen. The man slept with the sun, like the caveman he was, and in addition, he took a perverted pleasure in annoying Magnus in all the little ways he could, including calling him when he knew he had all the chances of being asleep.

"I hate you," greeted Magnus when he picked up. Ragnor's bright laugh answered, and Magnus could picture him in his favorite chair with his favorite cup filled with his favorite tea, enjoying one of his favorite activities - being very mean to him.

"I call out of great concern. You had a first date yesterday, right? I want to hear all about it."

Magnus didn't know why he felt so defensive about Alec, why his friend's normal teasing was suddenly so vexing. He had a habit of mocking his dates with Ragnor – better to laugh than cry about it. It was his friend's way of comforting him, of reminding him the next day when they were already gone or enjoying breakfast before disappearing, that he still wasn't alone, never would be.

"Did he leave already?" Ragnor asked, and that was exactly why Magnus was so pissed. He didn't know how to convey to them that he really wanted something to come out of it this time.

"He didn't spend the night."

"Did it go that bad?"

"No it didn't! I don't have to sleep with everyone I happen to like, that's all!" Magnus retorted abruptly. He sat up in his bed, worked up by his frustration. There was only silence at the other end of the line.

"I didn't mean it like that," Ragnor finally said, suddenly way more cautious and gentle. For all his tough love, Ragnor was perceptive, and he rarely went too far. That was more Raphael's tendency, because he was an asshole. Or well no, he wasn't, but still.

"Yeah, I know, sorry," Magnus mumbled, arranging the pillows around him to sit back against the headboard of his bed. He wanted some coffee, but he didn't feel like getting up yet.

"Tell me how it went then," Ragnor asked, and he wasn't joking this time.

"It went well. Really well. We had a good time, we talked. It was nice."

After a thoughtful pause, he added, "It was really, really nice."

He figured Ragnor could hear the smile in his voice, the contempt. He figured he was rolling his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers while shaking his head.

"Oh dear, you really have it bad. I thought it could still be avoided, but I guess it's too late now," Ragnor sighed dramatically.

"I have a good feeling about this," Magnus admitted, even if it was not entirely true. He still had some concerns, mostly about Alec's past and family issues, but he wasn't going to tell Ragnor that. He wasn’t going to give him more ammunition, the man would worry enough as it was. 

"You always do Magnus,” Ragnor said, resigned, and okay, that was fair, but also not very nice. He was an optimist. Was it such a bad thing?

"Are you officially taken then?" Ragnor enquired. Magnus chose to ignore the sarcasm in his voice.

"I don't know. We'll see," he eluded. He didn't want to get ahead of himself. He had no idea what was going on exactly, and he could get fairly paranoid and superstitious in this kind of situation. Better not to try his (abysmal) luck.

"Fair enough. Did you go to Luigi's?" Ragnor asked all of the sudden. Magnus answered by the affirmative before realizing his terrible mistake.

"Great, I wanted to a have lunch their today anyway. I'll ask him the details. See you soon, bye!"

Ragnor had hung up before Magnus could protest, but he swore he still heard his evil laugh carry through the dormant phone.

He lied back with a sigh. He had earned the right to laze in bed a little while longer.

.

Alec was sleeping very well. He was a light sleeper, and it was rare he went through the night without being woken up at least once by someone going to the bathroom, a loud car passing the street, or the wind tapping branches against his window. Right now though, he was sleeping very well. The night had been restful and uneventful...

"Izzy, open the fucking door!"

"Go to hell!"

...and short lived, unfortunately.

Alec groaned. There was a commotion outside of his bedroom, what seemed to be Jace and Izzy fighting for the bathroom. He was surprised their parents hadn’t intervened to tell them to shut it, but seeing the time, their mother was probably out on her jog, and their father had gone fishing with some friends for the weekend. Nobody would stop them then. Alec sighed and got out of bed, fantasizing about the day he would have his own place, as he often did.

Jace was standing in front of the closed bathroom door. Alec caught a glimpse of what last night's fight had done to his face – it angered him more than it usually did. Next door to his room was Jace's room and Clary was standing in the doorframe, looking a little helpless.

"Give me the first aid kit, Izzy!" Jace yelled at the closed door.

"You'll have it when I'm done!"

"Just give it to me for fuck sake!"

"Should have been faster, or better, not get hurt in the first place! Yell all you want, fucker!"

Jace hit the door in frustration and the noise made Clary jump. Alec had never seen her so affected by Jace's mood. The main reason why they were still together was that she seemed immune to it, and was the only one he wouldn't lash out on.

"Yeah, good, destroy the house while you’re at it!" Izzy screamed from inside the bathroom.

"What's going on?" Alec asked Clary, more to make his presence known than to really inquire - he could read the situation well enough himself.

"Alec, hey," Clary greeted with a weak smile.

"Is Alec up?" Izzy asked.

"Hard not to be with how you're shouting. What is going on here?" Alec asked again louder. The bathroom door clicked open and Izzy jumped out of the room and straight toward him, ignoring Jace. She was fully dressed and ready for the day.

"You were already done!" Jace accused with an angry snarl. Izzy flipped him off without turning back.

"So tell me, how did it go?" she asked Alec with enthusiasm. It was completely fake though, she was boiling with concealed anger, and he wondered if she really hoped to hide it from him.

"Maybe we can talk about that later..." Alec tried, unsure. "Tell me what happened yesterday? Jace..."

"Forget about Jace," she cut vehemently.

"I'm right here!"

"I don't care!"

"What's your problem?"

"My problem?"

With that, she turned around, all pretense of good mood forgotten. Her whole body was tensed and she looked furious, ready to punch something, or someone.

"You're my fucking problem, Jace! But I'm done dealing with it. Take care of your stupid face and go to hell, see if I care!"

He tightened his fists and made to turn around and retreat, but Izzy wasn’t done. She got closer to Jace, hostile. Her guard was up like she was preparing for a boxing match.

“What is it Jace? You’re angry? Do you want to break something? Punch something? Punch me?”

Jace looked appalled by her sudden aggressiveness. He took a few steps back. He was the defensive one now, and she was attacking.

“Isn’t that how you solve everything? Isn’t it?”

“What the hell Izzy, I’m not going to punch you!”

“Alec then? Because he thought about something other than you for once? Or Clary? Won’t you get angry at her someday and deal with it the only way you know?”

Jace cast a wild look to Clary, but she surprised them by not flying to his help, not saying anything. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She wrapped her arms around herself and bowed her head, ill at ease.

She’d been thinking about it.

Izzy wasn’t letting it go. She backed Jace against the wall.

“Why are you saying that?” he asked weakly, almost frightened.

“Why not? Why not, Jace? Since you obviously can’t refrain yourself from breaking something or hitting someone as soon as you’re upset?”

“I would never hurt Clary, or you!”

“THAT’S WHAT HE USED TO SAY TOO.”

A terrible silence fell on the scene, on the bedroom corridor of their childhood home, theatre of their small drama. Izzy's voice had broken on the last word and she was facing away from Alec but he was certain she was crying, or trying very hard not to. Jace was staring at her, horrified, and Alec wanted to go back to bed until the end of time.

“Not only did we have to lie so you wouldn’t go to jail, Jace,” Izzy added more softly, spent by her outburst. “Not only did we have to make a deal with him, and he walked away, he faced no consequences, just because you couldn’t control yourself. Not only that, but you… you didn’t find anything better to do than be exactly like him. Answer with your fists. And I can’t… I can’t stand it. I thought you’d realize that on your own but…”

She trailed of, either because she was done talking or because she had lost all will to go on. She simply turned around to hide in Alec's room. Jace and Alec stared at each other. Alec was waiting for him to move - he could never close his door to him, never. If he wanted to enter and prolong the conversation, he would not stop him. He half hoped he would, that he wouldn't flee this time. But he looked lost and unsure and Alec knew he wouldn't have the guts. He retreated to his own room and he saw Clary hesitate, like she too was wondering which room she wanted to go to. In the end, she didn't feel like she had a choice, and Alec suspected that she didn't feel welcomed to Izzy's side, because she had sided with Jace in the past. Alec wanted to tell her that Izzy would be happy that her friend took position against her boyfriend for once, but he also didn't want Jace to be alone, and to face this blow on top of Izzy’s. It was the best option, which didn't mean it was a good one.

Just before he followed Izzy though, Clary stopped him.

"You should have been there yesterday."

She didn't sound as accusing as he thought she would. More concerned, scared. But he didn't want to hear that, no matter the tone.

"It wouldn't have been so bad, if you’d been there," she tried to justify, feeling that she wasn't pleading her case well.

"Well I wasn't."

"Jace needs you.”

"Clary, I don't mean to be rude, but I've been there this all time, and it's Jace who hadn’t. I have a life too. I'll always be there for him, but it's insulting that you, or him, would doubt that, and that you dare to blame me now for one time, when he has screwed up so much we can't even count anymore."

"You're not giving up on him, right?"

That's what she was afraid about, and Alec realized that they had maybe overestimated her capacity to handle Jace on her own. She didn't want to face that alone.

"Of course not. But I wait and wait and he never comes. I don’t know what to do. No more than you."

She looked about to protest that, but she didn't. He was right then. She was lost too.

“I’ll… I’ll talk to him. But don’t… don’t give up on him, yeah?”

“I’m not, stop that, I’m not! Look, Izzy needs me too, and she’ll actually listen. Jace… Jace can come find me when he needs to, but I won’t chase after him. His move.”

It wasn’t fair to have her play messenger, but until Jace was willing to communicate, it would have to do. Both of them retreated in their respective kingdoms then, like kids sulking after a game gone wrong. If only it was that simple.

Back in his room, Alec eyed the Izzy-shaped lump under his blanket with a fond smile. He sat next to her.

"What happened yesterday?" he asked with a gentle tone.

"Some asshole made a move on Clary," she answered from her hiding spot. "Not a nice move. He was insistent, he touched her butt, she was going to slap him, but Jace lost it. In a crowded bar full of drunken idiots on a Saturday night, it escalated quickly. Simon's band had to stop playing. He was pissed. I doubt he'll talk to any of us any time soon."

Alec didn't know Clary's best friend that well, but he and Izzy were close, had been ever since Jace and Clary had started dating back in high school. They even went out briefly together, but it didn't work out. They stayed friends though.

"It's not your fault. He'll get over it, you'll see," Alec tried, but what did he know really? Simon's band was important to him. He was studying computer science, but they all knew his true wish was to play for a living.

"But it is. Everything Jace does is on us now, every time, because we know, and we do nothing. Simon told Clary not to bring him next time. And I understand him. She's going to end up all alone if he keeps driving the people around them away. And even Clary... she shouldn't have to bear this."

Alec felt so guilty he was glad she was hiding, because he didn't think he could have looked her in the eyes. He had been so sure Jace would eventually get over himself, that things would resolve themselves without having to do anything. It was his usual modus operandi. Ignore things until they went away. And here they were now, with things getting worse and worse.

"Did you tell Magnus?" Izzy asked when she finally got out of her blanket armor. Her makeup was ruined but she wasn’t crying anymore, and if she wanted to pretend everything was fine, he would to.

"Yeah."

"How did it go?"

Alec's mind went back to the night before, back in that corner table in the restaurant. He was glad Magnus hadn't run away in the other direction. On one hand, Alec found it almost normal - a lot of people in his life, especially at the boxing ring, had a criminal history, and it wasn't what made them good or bad people. But on the other hand, it was hard to ignore it. Magnus didn’t know so much about him, and one of the few things he knew was this. He would have understood him being put off by this. He would have been hurt, but he would have understood.

But Magnus had stayed. He'd asked to see him again.

He'd kissed him.

Izzy caught up on his dumb smile and dreamy eyes immediately, because she laughed, delighted, before lunging herself on him for a hug.

"I knew you could do it! See, I told you it would be fine."

Her relief and surprise proved that she hadn't been so sure though. It was for the best in the end, because she would have blamed herself if Magnus had left because of what had happened. She still thought it was her fault, and nothing Alec said would convince her otherwise.

As if being hit by an asshole was her fault somewhat. He hated that he couldn't change her view on that. He didn't stop trying though.

“Will you see him again?"

"Yeah."

"You're together then?"

The end of the night played again in his mind.

"I... hope so."

She squealed in delight before hugging him again

"I'm so happy for you! I can't wait to meet him. You should invite him over!"

"I'm clearly not doing that," Alec cut firmly, a little harsher than intended. Izzy sobered up.

"I think you should tell the parents. You'll have to, one day."

"I don't want to risk it."

"I think you're wrong about them. I think it would go okay."

"Whatever."

"But..."

"Izzy, leave it, please."

She fell silent, but her eyes were telling enough. They had discussed this many times, and it always ended the same. She was right, he didn't know for sure that his parents would react badly. But he just couldn't. He wasn't brave enough.

"Do you want to train some?" she suggested, to change the subject. He welcomed it.

"Yeah, why not."

They had a couple of punching bag in the garage, still up even if they barely used them anymore. They spent the afternoon punching their emotions away, going extra hard when they heard Jace and Clary leave the house, and their mother and father come back some time later.

When they were younger they would all exercise together. They would run in the park, do some cardio. It was their thing, what they shared, all six of them. Their parents still talked then, and Max loved it the most, always pushing himself to get to their level, to keep up.

It was hard not be bitter about those memories now.

A few hours later, their mother called them to dinner. She had reheated some leftovers from the night before and they ate in silence, the three of them – Robert was in his office doing who knew what. It wasn’t really his office, it was the office, the room where the computer was back in the time when they had only one for the family. There were also the books of the house there, but, most importantly, an old couch. Their father slept there most of the time. 

Jace joined them in the middle of the meal, without a word or a look to any of them.

“Where were you?” their mother asked, and he surprised them all by answering immediately, instead of ignoring her, like he usually did.

“With… with Clary.”

Alec couldn’t lie to save his life, but he couldn’t be lied to either, especially by people he knew well. Jace was the best comedian of them all, and still he couldn’t hide anything from his brother.

He was lying.

He didn’t want to start a fight in front of their mother though, so he waited until dinner had ended and they had gone back to their room. He went to Jace’s, whose door was open for once.

“Where were you really?” he asked to his brother who sat on the floor in front of his small TV, joystick in hand.

“What?”

“Where were you?” Alec asked again.

“I told you, I was with Clary.”

“That’s not true.”

“What?”

“You can’t lie to me. Why don’t you just tell me?”

“Maybe because it’s none of your business?” Jace shot back angrily. Alec sighed. He was too tired for this.

“Fine.”

He turned away, but was stopped by Jace shouting at him to wait. He was fiddling with his controller, head bent, the picture of the scolded child. When Alec’s sensitivity made him easily overwhelmed, Jace’s had always made him angry. He wished he could feel nothing, have no emotion. He was already like this when they were children, always playing tough, but it had gotten worse after his father’s passing. For a while, when he came to live with them, he had shut down completely, trying to convince everyone that he was fine, unaffected.

It had never worked on Alec. He could read him better than himself.

“I really was at Clary’s but I… I wasn’t with her. She was out with Jocelyn, they went out of town to paint some country landscape. They do that sometimes.”

Alec stepped carefully into the room, not wanting to startle Jace out of talking to him. He got closer, as careful as if he was approaching a wild animal, until he could settle on Jace’s bed.

“What were you doing there then?” he asked, confused. Jace wouldn’t meet his gaze, but his scowl was due to his own difficulty to talk more than Alec’s prying.

“I… I was with Luke,” he admitted through gritted teeth.

“Why?”

“You know he has… he deals with delinquents every day. He has some experience. And he had troubles himself when he was younger. Fits of rage, violence, that kind of stuff.”

Jace was still staring resolutely at the white wall of his room. He had few decorations and personal touches to the room. He had confessed to Alec once, many years ago, that he didn’t dare settle for good in the room, because he felt like he was denying his previous home where he had grown up with his father, and that he could never get rid of the fear that they would eventually want to get rid of him.

They hadn’t talked about that in a very long time, and Alec didn’t know if he still thought like this.

“We talked,” he concluded.

Slowly, slowly, Alec lowered himself to come sit next to Jace. He adopted his pose, elbows resting on his raised knees, and bumped into his shoulder gently.

“Did it help?”

Jace stared at him. Alec would have given a lot to be able to read his thoughts, to know exactly what he was thinking then. Izzy always told him he was too forgetful, too indulgent, and she was probably right. Jace hated it, because he wanted to be blamed when he fucked up, but Alec had a hard time doing that. Right now Alec bet he was wondering why he wasn’t angrier, why he was being so nice. Jace couldn’t understand being tired of fighting, longing for peace and reconciliation even when there was still things to be mad about. But being angry and resentful was exhausting. Maybe it did make Alec too nice for his own good. They all had their flaws.

“It’s a work in progress but… yeah. I think it helped.”

“You’ll do it again then?”

“We’re meeting up again on Wednesday after my shift.”

An awkward silence settled between them. It was a good thing, Alec was glad, and he really believed Luke could help Jace, better than anyone. He didn’t know how to say that though. Jace could easily feel patronized, and Alec had never really played the big brother with him, not as much as with Izzy. If anything, Jace was the authoritative one, and Alec had always more or less let him do his thing, never felt like it was his place to put him back in his place or call him out on his behavior.

But maybe he didn’t have to be his big brother to do that. Maybe that’s what Jace needed, and he should have done that more in the past.

“I think it’s a good thing. We said you needed to get your shit together, but we never said you had to do it alone.”

Jace shrugged with a short laugh.

“I thought I could, y’know.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.”

He had always thought he could – had to – solve everything on his own. Don’t ask for help. It was funny how alike they were in completely different manners. Alec didn’t want to bother anyone. Jace wanted to prove himself. The results were usually the same though – not very good.

“I’ll do right by you. And Izzy too. You’ll see, I will. I promise,” Jace said fiercely. Alec didn’t see it being that simple though. Jace had work to do on his own, but the rest of the way, Alec and above all Izzy would do it themselves, if they wished too. He wasn’t sure he could make Jace understand that it wasn’t all on him, that he couldn’t be the one to fix everything. That they had to let him.

“Do right by yourself first, Jace.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You do that Jace-boy. I hope you're enjoying this 'cause I am, I really am. There is a lot I want to adress and explore in that story, we're just getting started.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Alec wonders, they see each other again, and talk, and talk some more (and kiss a bit too).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go! I promised more Malec didn't I? Well reading the next chapters I wrote I realize that yeah I really digress x) The thing is I want to talk about a lot of things in this fic and in the end the major problems won't come from their relationship. They will be pretty fine once they get going, even if it's still rocky for now. Anyway.
> 
> Thanks to NighChanger for the correction and to you for reading this, I hope you'll like this!

"I can't believe it's our last week. Finally, finally this torture will end. I'm so glad."

"Could you be any more dramatic?"

"I could, actually."

Alec had a practiced habit of tuning out Maia and Lily’s bickering. Someone else could have found the running commentary disturbing, but honestly their job was so boring he couldn’t blame them for getting side tracked, and it provided some background noise to break out the monotony.

It was their last week at the firm before school resumed at the end of the following week. They would have five meager days of break before being thrown back in their demanding studies, and he couldn't say he was looking forward to it. He couldn’t wait to be done with school, yeah, but before that he would have to endure that final year.

"What do you say Alec?" Maia asked, pulling him out of his mind-numbing task.

"Hm?"

"We’re going out on Friday night with all the other interns. To celebrate the end of our labor! You'll come right?"

He was careful to say yes once in a while. He didn't want them to stop asking entirely, to think he didn’t want to spend time with them. He did, and he even enjoyed himself on those outings, occasionally. And it was a special occasion - he could make the effort. He liked when they warned him in advance too, so that he could plan accordingly.

"Yeah, okay. I'll come."

He still wondered sometimes, if Maia and Lily weren’t just friends with him because they were too nice to let him down, but then they would cheer when he agreed to go out with them, even serious and unexpressive Lily, and he could be convinced they genuinely liked his company.

They spent their lunch break going over the possible teachers for the upcoming year and what choice they would make. At least in the last year they had some amount of control on what they were studying, compared to the first few years where they all had the same compulsory lessons. Maia was interested in ecology and self-sustaining construction, Alec and Lily would go more toward urbanism and city planning. Master thesis and diploma project – after that, it would be real life, and real work. 

It was both exciting and terrifying.

"I'm bringing Bat on Friday," Maia announced when they were making their way back to their very own closet.

"Oh, finally we meet the boyfriend! Is it getting that serious then?" Lily teased good-naturally.

"Maybe. If you like him, it could very well be."

It was the first of her boyfriends that lasted that long - almost four months - and only the second one she wanted them to know.

She was the only one who really had anything love related to talk about, too - between Alec who kept his very rare and short-lived boyfriends hidden and Lily who wasn't interested in anyone at all, their gossip level was pretty low. Now that Maia was actually settling into something maybe a little more durable, it would be even lower. Unless...

"What about you Alec? Bringing anyone?" Maia asked with a sly smile. Alec reddened. His mind flew to Magnus and the implication, somewhere in their last conversation, that they would meet each other’s friends someday. Alec would have to come out to said friends first.

"N-No. No one."

"Really? I could’ve swear you were hiding some dates with how you’ve been acting lately,” she said. Maia was quite the romantic, and love made her happy, be it hers or other's. She was always eager to hear about newly formed relationship and crushes - unfortunately her two friends weren't really providing in this area.

He felt like indulging her.

"I don’t want to talk about it… yet.”

That was enough to make her day. She smiled happily, promising that she would remember it and wouldn't miss to remind him. He trusted her with that. And well, who knew, maybe they would meet Magnus someday. It was nice to think about it. He had been accused often enough by his previous boyfriends of keeping them hidden like a dirty secret - a thing they were usually guilty of too, but it wasn't the same apparently. There had always been this underlying shame, something to keep to themselves, be it at school, to their friends or to their family. They hadn’t even dared being friends in the open.

Maybe it was the fact that Magnus was outside of it all - he knew none of his acquaintances, he was his and his alone. And well, Magnus clearly wasn't ashamed of anything, and certainly not who he was seen with. And Alec... Alec wasn’t either, Or well, he didn't want to be. He liked to talk about him to his siblings, and he really wanted to tell his friends too. He liked to feel like there was hope for them.

He wanted to believe that it could maybe lead to something.

.

Another thing that was finishing this week were his hours of community service, at long last. It would have been hellish to keep going to work for the cleaning agency while managing school, so it was a relief.

But it also meant Magnus and him would have to actually make plans to see each other then.

It was always the complicated part he thought. To make time for each other. They would both have busy schedules, Alec would have a lot of work at home, and the thing was even when he was free, that didn’t necessarily mean he wanted to spend it with someone else. He had mostly dated guys at his school, who knew when he had some free time, and they had never liked that he refused to go out on the simple ground that he didn’t want to. Being together didn’t mean you had to see each other all the time right? Or maybe it did. What did he know.

It wouldn’t hurt to get out of the house either. Things were more strained than ever between Jace and Izzy – they had resorted to perfectly ignoring each other at all times. They crossed paths as little as they could, and Alec was in the middle of it, trying to comfort Izzy and advise Jace but careful they wouldn’t end up in the same room either. They would reconcile – eventually – but Jace had to apologize properly this time.

Since there was nothing Alec could do about it for now, he decided he was allowed to worry over another matter entirely. Namely, how he would greet Magnus when they would see each other again on Tuesday night.

He wished he could ask the girls. They would probably have stupid plans and ideas, but they would maybe also reassure him that he wasn’t the only one to ask himself such trivial questions.

For Maia and Lily it was worse than his parents because he knew, he was certain that they wouldn’t care at all. If he told them he was gay, they would just start asking his opinions when they spotted cute guys in the street. He was sure, and yet he couldn’t. It had been hard enough coming out to Izzy and Jace, and he didn’t even properly do it. He stammered his way to a confession that led to awkward reassuring that all was well, and then it was established as a fact and they moved on.

Maybe his friends suspected too. And they would be fine with it. Still he couldn’t tell. He didn’t want it to be included in his character’s description. He had never claimed being straight, so why claim being gay? People could assume what they wanted, it wasn’t his fault. He didn’t want to advertise it.

He was also scared of people’s eyes and judgment, but that wasn’t the reason.

He moped for the rest of the day, like he did every time he started to think about all this. He was passed wishing he wasn’t gay, like he did when he was a teenager. Now he just wished the world would be less regarding, less judgmental. Neither of those things were happening anytime soon though.

He went straight to Izzy’s room to ask for advices when he came back home at the end of the afternoon, but she wasn’t alone.

“Hey Alec,” Clary greeted him without looking up from Izzy’s nails she was doing carefully. Izzy smile brightly at him.

“Hey, I… didn’t expect to see you here. Where’s Jace?”

“He’s at the gym with mom,” supplied Izzy.

“And you’re…not,” Alec couldn’t help but enquire, addressing Clary, because when was the last time Jace had set foot out of the house without her?

She took the time to finish the dotted pattern she was doing on Izzy right middle finger before making eye contact. She looked uncomfortable but she didn’t avert her gaze.

“We thought it would be better if we… had some space. Between us. For a while.”

“Are you guys okay?”

What he really wanted to ask was if Jace was okay. He couldn’t imagine it being a perfectly mutual decision. Jace wasn’t very good at the “doing the right thing even if it hurts” stuff.

“Yeah, yeah. But he needs to collect himself and I don’t think I’ve been helping lately. My father will help him. And he’s… not the only one in my life.”

She cast a sideway look at Izzy who pretended to be absorbed in the pink and black hues of her nails.

“Okay. Okay. Well I think I’ll go see them. It’s been a long time since I trained and… well. Yeah. Bye.”

He retreated hastily, he didn’t really know why. He had always felt like a dead weight when Clary was here, be it with Jace or with Izzy. He was providing comfort and support to his siblings, but only when there was no one else to do it.  If they had someone, he was of no use.

And if there was someone else, he couldn’t talk to them.

It was ridiculous. He was almost certain Clary knew he was gay, that she could just tell. She was annoying like that, and Jace had probably told her anyway. But Alec hadn’t, so it didn’t count. He didn’t want to talk boys and love with Clary. Clary and him weren’t friends. He was her friend’s and boyfriend’s brother, that was all.

If he couldn’t talk about it, it would at least do him good to throw a few punches. Jace was surprisingly not bothered at all with talking boys with him, but the issue lied more in the fact that they couldn’t be more different in their relationship tactics. In that Jace was the boss of that game and Alec didn’t have much of a game at all. Their discussions on the topic ended up being very frustrating for them both, because Jace would say “just do that” and Alec would answer “there is no way in hell I would ever be able to do that”. And Jace would ask why and Alec would try and fail to explain it to him.

Went the same way every single time.

“You came to get your ass kicked?” Jace mocked when he came to greet him at the entrance of the gym. Alec felt calmer, more at ease as soon as he stepped into the large training room. Jace was smiling, a rare sight these days, and Alec responded to it without any effort. In more way than one the boxing ring felt more like home than their own house. They had spent countless hours together here, Izzy, Jace, Max and him. Training, working out, watching the others fight or just playing around, it was their playground, their second home. The family tradition.

“You’d be too heartbroken if I won,” Alec shot back, even if it was true Jace beat him most of the time. Jace followed him to the locker room to keep chatting while he was getting ready. There was always a stark contrast between the sullen jackass he could be at home and the open, joking smartass he was at the gym. Maybe because it was one thing that had never changed, even when his father had died and he had to change home, when his whole life had turned upside down. They were coming to the gym before that and they came after too. Here Alec could reconnect with his brother the way they used to. It was the reason why it had worried him so much to see Jace avoid the gym. Maybe Luke had managed to convince him that it wasn’t such a bad thing to fight if he did it here more than in the streets.

Jace didn’t talk about that though. He didn’t talk about Clary either, or Izzy, or Alec and his date. Alec could tell part of his good mood was fake, but he wasn’t about to call him out on it.

It did worried him a bit to know how it would come out on the ring, but Jace stayed surprisingly chill. He was always more aggressive than Alec, but nothing the older boy couldn’t handle. The first time they had sparred together after his father’s death, Jace had broken his nose.

Their mother came to monitor their fight after a while. It had always been a fun thing to explain at school, how proud their mother could be of them fighting each other, how she would even teach them. Made all the kids envious too. Officially she was managing the place and the financial side of things, but she always had a foot in the training too.

It was the only place they could connect, the ring. They could speak the same language and share something. It wasn’t ideal, but it felt good. When they came home they were more relaxed, and dinner wasn’t as stiff, even if it was just the three of them.

Usually when he came back from the ring Alec could believe there was still hope for them.

.

Of course it meant that when Tuesday evening rolled around, Alec was once again lost and freaking out.

They had texted, inane things, mostly Magnus talking about his day and his new painting experiment – making Alec very concerned about his health and safety – but nothing deep or meaningful, and surely nothing about where they stood. He couldn’t blame Magnus for not bringing up the subject since he had been unable to do it himself. But now he was moping around, both literally and figuratively, while waiting for his shift to end and his fate to meet him.

He wasn’t done cleaning the floors of the resting area when Magnus came. He spotted him from the end of the corridor but pretended he hadn’t seen him, because he didn’t want to look like he was waiting for him or anything.

“Hi there,” greeted Magnus with a grin.

“Hey, Magnus, hi.”

“The others left so I thought I’d keep you company until you were done.”

“Oh, okay, cool. Well yeah, you can stay. No problem. I’ll be done soon. Yeah.”

Has it been mentioned that Alec had no chill at all? Because he hadn’t. None. At all.

Magnus chuckled and settled on one of the couches while Alec sped up the mopping process like never before.

“Oh, I wanted to tell you, I won’t see you on Friday. I have to teach the guy taking over and then I’m going out with some friends.”

“Taking over?”

“Yeah it’s… my hours are done. Friday’s my last day.”

In all logic it was a good news but he couldn’t help but feel a bit disappointed. Would Magnus be willing to make the effort when it would become much harder to meet? Maybe it was just convenient for him.

“Oh, that’s great! You must be relieved.”

“I’m glad I’ll leave that behind me.”

They settled back in a comfortable silence until Alec was done. He went to get rid of his working attire and retrieve his things from the janitor’s closet. Back in the main room he almost ran into Magnus who got up into his space until they were toes to toes.

“Hello,” Magnus said with a small smile. He bit his lips then and his eyes travelled briefly to Alec’s mouth and oh. Yeah, that was it.

In all his interrogations it had never appeared that simple. He wanted to kiss Magnus and Magnus wanted to kiss him. So they could just do exactly that.

And they did. Such a little thing but he felt lighter at once, his worries dissipated. He smiled. Not the most practical thing to do for a kiss, but Magnus wasn't complaining.

"Hello," Alec answered lamely when they parted. His two arms were circling Magnus's waist who was snuggled against him, his two hands on his chest, having to raise his head slightly to meet his gaze.

"Let's get going," Magnus eventually said, even if he didn't seem too keen on moving just yet. Alec bent down to kiss him again, just because he could, and he really wanted to, before releasing him to go to the parking lot.

He didn't dare suggest they went out to eat - last time hadn't work so well and if he was being brutally honest, he couldn't really afford to eat out that often. He could save up his money for more worthy occasions – and to pay their next date. The ride passed quickly, even if he couldn't decide if Magnus was holding tighter than he used to or if Alec was just extra aware of him now. Either way, it was nice.

All too soon they were at the loft though, and the weight and warmth of Magnus on his back disappeared.

Magnus exhibited his perfect non helmet-tousled hair to the world before asking if he wanted to go up and have dinner with him.

Alec short-circuited. He had been busy admiring the lights glittering at the corner of his eyes and only caught the general meaning of the suggestion. He said yes before he could really think about it, and the victorious smile on Magnus’s lips effectively prevented him for changing his mind. For once he didn’t stress over whether or not there was an hidden purpose or meaning behind it. There was very few things he wanted more at that moment than to stay with Magnus just a little while longer.

"Will Giselle be okay if I leave her here though?" he inquired with a protective hand on his bike.

"Giselle?" prompted Magus, skeptical. Alec blushed.

"Oh... huh... my bike? She... it doesn’t risk anything here?"

Magnus raised an eyebrow, holding back an amused smile, and Alec reddened even more.

"Yeah, don't worry, the neighborhood’s pretty safe, nothing will happen to her if you attach her properly."

He was mocking him. Alec grumbled a thank you and parked the bike on the sidewalk near the building. He couldn’t help casting her a worried glance before they went upstairs.

He really loved that bike.

"Okay I have to ask you. You named your bike Giselle?" Magnus asked when they were settled in the kitchen, Alec at the counter with a coke and Magnus getting busy on the stove.

"Uh, yeah. Don't think anyone has lessons to give on name giving here though," he answered with a sideways look to Chairman Meow who was sleeping peacefully on the couch.

"Yeah but your bike? Should I be jealous?" teased Magnus playfully.

"She's a girl, so obviously not,” stated Alec. "It was, kind of the point."

Magnus turned away from the pasta cooking on the stove.

"Now that's a story I'd like to hear."

"It's a pretty good one actually," said Alec with a nostalgic smile. He didn't have so many of those, and he wasn’t the most gifted story teller. He realized with a start that he had never told this one to anybody before. Not the full story at least.

"That's... how I came out to my brother," Alec started. "We bought the bikes together when we were nineteen. Saved up for months and months, mowing the neighbor’s lawn and babysitting their kids, until we could afford the ones we wanted."

Alec still believed nowadays that the bikes had saved them in more ways than one. That's how they had climbed up the pit after Max's death, that's how he reconnected with Jace, lost for so many of his teenage years when he rebelled against the entire world, siblings included.

"So we come back home and Jace immediately declares that we have to name them. He tells me to pick a girl's name. I had a big obsession with the movie Billy Elliot when I was a kid and it gave me an interest into ballet. That’s where Giselle comes from. I guess that was pretty telling in itself but well, Jace isn't the most perceptive of guys. So he does the same for his and I make a comment like... it's not very respectful since he's going to mount the bike and all. And he says it's the same for me and I..."

Of course when coming out goes smoothly it's hard to understand what you were so scared off, why you didn't do it earlier, why you thought it would go wrong. He was terrified at the time of how Jace would react. He had this whole tough guy act going on and clearly wasn’t the most feminist guy on the block, to Izzy's great annoyance. He actually played the macho guy mostly to rile her up, but he wasn't a model of tolerance either.

"I told him that it wasn't the same, that she didn't risk anything coming from me. I didn't spell it out for him but he got it pretty quickly. I don't know why I felt like coming out to him all of the sudden. I was so nervous."

Magnus was listening intently, face unreadable, and Alec realized that at this point it still could go either way. Maybe he wasn't sure if it was going to be a happy story yet. He went on.

"I remember it, we were in the garage of our house, and he was staring at me, I could see the gears turn in his brain. Jace can be pretty dense but he reads people well, when he takes the time to look. I guess it was obvious how scared I was, even if I was trying to be casual. He didn't say anything, and to this day I still don't know if he already knew, if he was surprised or not. He just turned towards his bike and said "you’re right, I wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable. I'll call him Alfred then. We'll be bros.””

“Alfred?”

“It was his Batman phase.”

Magnus chuckled, which Alec took a second to be proud of.

“After the fact I felt stupid for working myself up like this, and I guess he was a bit hurt that I doubted him but I was just… so relieved. And he sticks to it, you know? To this day he still proudly says to anyone who would hear it that his bike is called Alfred and that they’re bros.”

They laughed a little but Magnus grew serious again. He took his time to craft an answer.

“You know, you don’t have the responsibilities of other people’s reactions. Coming out is hard enough, you shouldn’t care about sparing their feelings too. It’s not our fault coming out is such hardship, so scary.”

“I should have known he would be okay with it.”

“How? We can never know for sure. It’s never a certainty. We’re told enough about how wrong it can go. It’s easy afterward to say “you shouldn’t have worried”. You don’t need to be sorry about it. If anything, it’s their fault for making you feel like you couldn’t trust them with it.”

Alec stared at Magnus who was getting a bit worked up by his declaration, clearly speaking from experience, about a subject he had pondered over.

“What?” he asked, a bit defensive, when Alec kept looking at him without a world.

“No-Nothing, it’s just… okay, it’s gonna sound terrible but I’ve never… I’ve never gone out with a guy who was… okay. With being gay. Out and proud, all that. Who said “we” instead of “they”.”

It felt so bad said like this, and explained pretty well why he hadn’t dated that much and why it had never lasted. He had never frequented any circles where he was known and welcomed as he was, had never had any queer friends, or well, ones he knew of. He very much lived a closeted life, something he was quite ashamed of but didn’t know how to change.

“That’s… pretty sad,” said Magnus with an uncomfortable smile. Alec had completely ruined the mood. Great.

“I guess, yeah.”

“I take it that you’re not out to many people then.”

It was more of an affirmation than a question and Alec hated how disappointed Magnus looked, even if he tried to hide it.

“No. Sorry,” he added after a while.

“Don’t be. It’s… I know how much it sucks.”

Magnus finished cooking the pasta and some sauce in an unsettling silence. Alec racked his brain to pick up the conversation but he didn’t feel like it was his place. He was sorry for his lack of courage, for still hiding who he was from almost everyone in his life, and he couldn’t blame Magnus for not liking it. He didn’t like it either.

“Have you ever seen it then? Giselle,” Magnus asked casually, choosing to let the subject drop. It was for the best, Alec thought.

“No. I watched a lot of dancing performances at the time on YouTube, but I never saw a real ballet live. I saw my sister’s show quite a lot though.”

“She dances? From what you said about her, boxing seems to be more of her thing.”

“It is, but our mother didn’t like her doing only boy stuff with boys so they struck a deal that she could keep on boxing if she tried dancing too. She actually liked it, she wasn’t bad. She still dances from time to time.”

“What about you?”

“What?”

“Didn’t you ever pick up dancing?”

Alec let out a short laugh at the question, before realizing Magnus wasn’t joking. He huffed, embarrassed.

“No, of course not.”

“Why not? You just said you liked it.”

“Yeah but…”

He trailed off, at a loss. It was true, he was fascinated by dance when he was younger, especially ballet, but he had never even thought about dancing himself. It was just… Not done.

“I couldn’t.”

“Why not? Billy Elliot did.”

“It was just a movie.”

And this was real life. Magnus studied him for a long time without a word and Alec felt like he had failed some kind of test, he hadn’t say the right thing. 

“I was enough of an outcast,” he grumbled in his plate. He didn’t know why he felt the need to justify himself all of the sudden.

“I didn’t say anything,” Magnus said on the tone of someone who hadn’t say anything but clearly wanted to.

“Look, I’m guilty okay, I grew up in a family and a place where guys didn’t dance and where being gay is not a good idea either. Even if I’m older now I…”

“Alec, please. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to feel judged. I get it, I really do. I was just asking. It’s okay.”

Magnus smiled kindly, a smile Alec wasn’t entirely comfortable with. He didn’t want to earn Magnus’s sympathy, or even pity, he didn’t want him to be condescending. He didn’t say anything though. Magnus had been there before, he knew what he was talking about. Alec also had a natural tendency to avoid sensitive subjects at all cost, so he was grateful when Magnus seemed to send the talk away with a wave of hand.

They talked about their day then, Magnus’s latest project and Lily’s attempt at making Maia and Alec start on their internship report now instead of using their free time at work to challenge each other at QuizzUp. She hadn’t been very successful. They moved to the couch after they were done with dinner, warm tea in hand. Magnus had more than ten different teas to offer, none of which Alec had ever tasted or even heard of. Magnus seemed set on educating him on the virtues of tea, so Alec didn’t dare tell him he didn’t like tasteless hot water with leaves in it.

It was nice though. They sat close together, touching lightly but pretending like it was inconsequential. Alec wondered if Magnus was as aware of it as he was, if he too was focused on the spots where their legs were pressed together, if he moved carefully too so that they wouldn’t lose those small points of contact. It was one of Izzy’s confidence techniques, to pretend that others were having the exact same doubts and interrogations as she was.

She would made a good life coach. In some respect, she did with the group she taught at the boxing ring. The women and girls who came to her class were looking for more than just to learn to throw a punch. She was proud of her work with them, and she claimed she was proud of her work with Alec too.

They talked about Izzy and Jace and Magnus’s friends. Alec didn’t ask about Magnus’s family. They talked about the last movies and TV shows they watched – they had none in common, which gave them a very good excuse to plan marathon and movie dates. Magnus’s warm hands were playing with his fingers, he had the softest smile on his lips every time he looked up from them to meet Alec’s gaze, and Alec kept saying he had to go soon, but he wasn’t physically capable of extracting himself from that couch and from the shelter of Magnus’s body and words.

In the end, he simply fell asleep there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Coming out will be a big thing between them and for Alec especially, even if there won't be any dramatic gestures and ultimatum and such. I know there is much introspection in this but I really want to have some nuances to there life and experiences, and have them TALK about things.
> 
> Speaking of. If you read my other works, you have noticed (or read from me in the notes) that I don't write sex scenes at all. I had hald a mind of having Alec be ace in this fic (I mentionned that he had a lot of me in him I think) but in the end I really want (them) to broach the subject of sex and adress their sex life. So I will write some sex scenes. I'm warning you though, it won't be overtly descriptive, and, in the begining especially, not very sexy either. It won't go smoothly. I see it happening in maybe four or five chapters. 
> 
> On a complete different note I almost regret setting this in New York. Had it been in Paris I could have been more accurate with the locations. Oh well. Also my love for Giselle is showing again. 
> 
> Thank you for reading, don't forget to comment and see me on [tumblr](http://inrainbowz.tumblr.com), with love, bye!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friendship is important too. Izzy's struggling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so much work, I want to fly to Mexico and never come back. Can't do that though, how would I pay a plane tickets to Mexico I barely have enough for the suburban train. ANYWAY here is another Malec-light chapter cause too much is happening in their life, what can I do. They do text though. I never use to use the word 'though' that much in english but I don't know why it's really strating to show everywhere. I'm tired.
> 
> This is officially my longest fic ever! Here's a confession to celebrate, I don't know if it's spelled officially or officialy my web navigatore doesn't correct english all those words are already underlines in red anyway, and I'm too lazy to check. Guess we'll never know.
> 
> Warning this deals in non-descriptive terms with domestic abuse. 
> 
> Enjoy. I put the warning after I wrote that enjoy and now it sounds like I'm telling you to enjoy the talk on domestc abuse. Enjoy.

"You're late," accused Will as soon as Magnus stepped into their working room.

"Thank you for your input, I hadn't noticed," Magnus snapped back. "Fucking Saint-Cloud said the same. He's here after eleven at least once a week and he had the nerve to warn me about "bad habits". That douche."

"Well someone's in a mood," Tessa said playfully while offering him the rest of her coffee. He took it with a grateful nod and sank into his chair, releasing a long sigh.

"Sorry. I woke up way too early, then fell back asleep and woke up way too late. Didn't sleep much either."

He rested his forehead on his desk, the cool surface making wonders on the beginning of a nasty headache. He used to be so good at pulling all-nighters before going to study or work. Aging was a bitch.

"Did someone keep you up all night then?" asked Elias with a lewd tone that had both Tessa and Magnus grimacing.

"Not in the way you think, you pervert. We just fell asleep on the couch in the middle of a conversation. At four in the morning. No big deal."

""No big deal", he says with the stupidest smile ever," Will teased. Magnus attempted to scowl, without much success.

"It was nice," admitted Magnus, fighting the smile off his face. He busied himself with setting up his computer and notes to avoid meeting the knowing gazes of his colleagues.

"So, what latest stupid request do we have to deal with?" he asked, signifying the subject was closed, at least for now. They could expend on his love life at coffee break.

"Oh, you're gonna love it," answered Elias, pulling out a printed email from under a pile of papers. They liked to print the worst demands they got, either to destroy it in a cathartic fit of rage or to pin it to the wall of fame of the department that displayed the very best of the very worst.

A few hours in their frustrating brainstorming, Magnus received a message.

_Sorry again for this morning, I feel really bad for waking you up._

He excused himself on the pretense of fetching them some coffee and snacks - seeing the workload their client had just dump on them, no break was happening anytime soon - so that he could answer in peace.

**_I told you it was fine. Stop beating yourself up. I survived._ **

_Yeah but I should have been more careful._

It wasn't too hard to gather that Alec lacked a tremendous amount of self-confidence. He was always wary of being a bother, of angering people, and of them being resentful. Magnus didn't really know how to stress out it was really fine, no matter how he complained to his friends.

The thing with falling sleep on top of each other on the couch was that, of course, one waking up was bound to stir the other too. So when Alec's alarms had gone off at six in the morning, him jumping awake had resulted in Magnus falling of the couch and hitting his elbow on the coffee table - he was going to be sore for days. Had followed a few minutes of confusion when Alec had had trouble remembering exactly where he was and why, and he had then proceeded to apologize more than Magnus had done in his lifetime. He had managed to shut him up with some breakfast and kisses over a cup of tea – he probably would have kept saying “sorry” otherwise.

As a result, Magnus had gone back to bed after his departure, his own alarm supposed to go off at 7:30, but of course he had left his phone on the couch, too far away for him to hear. He wasn't about to tell Alec that though. The guy would die of guilt.

**_It doesn't matter. I was glad to wake up next to you, even if it could have gone better._ **

Maybe this would lift Alec's spirit. It was the truth too. Even if they had hit some points of friction in their discussion, Magnus still felt very happy about the course of the night.

He had the feeling sex wouldn't be on the table anytime soon. From what he had gathered, Alec wasn't as comfortable with his sexuality as his moves had suggested. Magnus was the exception for him, not the rule. He didn't really know what to think of that, but he didn't want to fault the man for trying.

_Let's hope it won't be that violent next time._

Magnus could just picture how embarrassed Alec could be at sending such a message. He knew now that the man was anything but smooth. Texting probably allowed him to display a more daring side of himself that he couldn’t enact in person.

He couldn’t resist a bit of teasing.

**_You don’t know, maybe I like it rough ;)_ **

He waited until the coffee pot was full, but no answer came.

.

On Wednesday and Saturday, Izzy taught self-defense at the boxing ring.

What had started as another way of pissing off her mother had quickly become a great source of pride and motivation. When she had started college, her mother wanted her to find a light job, because she had a lot of free time and her parents “wouldn’t support her party life”. She had suggested a women’s group of self-defense at the monthly meeting of the boxing ring association without saying anything to her mother, who had been powerless to stop her when faced with the enthusiasm of the few female members.

Maryse could complain even less now – the offer had brought a fresh wave of new clients to the ring, women and girls wanting to learn how to defend themselves and find some confidence and strength. They had even requested the lessons be maintained during summer, something Izzy had gladly agreed to, except for the two weeks she had spent on the coast with her college friends.

After what had happened with her ex-boyfriend, she had found even more comfort in the small Wednesday and Saturday group. She had done talk sessions on domestic abuse and how to spot it, and it was to them she had talked at length about her own experience, how it had escalated, how she had done nothing to get away from it. Things she couldn’t talk about with her friends or her brothers, she had poured all to those women, because a lot of them had similar experiences, and they didn’t judge, they understood. She had few female friends, and she had found something she didn’t know she was lacking at those lessons.

It was hers and hers alone, she could escape her family, hers exes, her future. She would be back to college in a few days, ready to make her way through another schoolyear. The lessons on Wednesday and Saturday would keep going on though, always.

She was coming back from the lesson, walking the short way between the ring and the house. She felt light and rested, having worked out her frustration and anger on the mat with the other girls. They always had so much on their plate, so much going on, and she knew they all found solace and relief in that controlled form of violence.

Her shadow was dancing around her with the rhythm of the street lamps lighting her path. It was late – they had lingered after class, as they often did. She knew this path by heart, all the shops and restaurant, some of the tenants and passersby. She had grown up here, it was her home.

But there was someone walking behind her.

The streets were still busy, a few owners sitting on plastic chair in front of their shops or chatting with each other, people hurrying home, groups going out. She could hear the faint echo of music from an apartment above her, and footsteps that fell in lines with hers. She willed herself to stay calm, not to get paranoid. It was ridiculous, but she still grabbed her keys tight and stopped at once, ready to fight.

A middle-age man passed her without a single glance and went on his way. She was left standing on the sidewalk, feeling silly and dumb.

It was pretty new, those feelings. She never used to be afraid before. She had trained to fight since she was a child, she was convinced that she would never get hurt, like other girls did.

But now she looked behind her shoulders and walked faster when it was dark, because he still lived in the neighborhood, and it wasn't fair.

She started walking again, angry with herself and the world in general, only to see a couple on the other side of the street, the girl pretty and small and the guy tall and broad and looking like...

She ran home.

.

"I would come pick you up if you'd ask," Alec said, handing her a cup of hot chocolate. She was sitting on her bed, wrapped in her blanket, and she took the cup gratefully. She appreciated that Alec didn't ask questions. He only needed to look at her to know she wasn't feeling well, and he did his best to comfort her, even if he didn't understand.

"You have other things to do than babysit me," she answered. He raised a skeptical eyebrow she did her best to ignore. Of course it was a filthy lie - she had never shown any trouble with bothering him before. And in his opinion, he didn’t have anything better to do, ever.

The truth was she hated needing to call him because she couldn't walk home by herself. She didn't want to be like this, and she fought it with all her will.

"Where is Jace?” she asked, even if she didn't really care.

"With Luke."

"Luke?"

"Yeah. They're meeting up to... talk. Figure things out."

That was news to her. She hadn't talked to Jace, or looked in his direction for that matter, since their fight, and she was determined to hold on to her grudge this time, not be bullied by her guilt and sympathy. He deserved none.

And yet...

"Was it your idea?"

"No, his. Maybe it will help. He's trying at least."

She hated how forgiving Alec could be, how supportive all the time, no matter what. She would have liked to see him get angry for once, to see him being done, giving up. She felt petty and childish compared to him who constantly turned the other cheek, but she also wanted to shake him in all directions for never standing up to himself and against others.

"Well I'll believe it when I see it," she said with a nasty edge to her voice.

"I know. I'm just reporting. No matter what he does, it's up to you, too."

That's what she was afraid of. She put her cup on her nightstand to wrap her arms around her knees, feeling cold and lonely suddenly.

"What if I can't forgive him?" she whispered into her arm, not caring if he heard her or not. "I thought I could, I though it what just a matter of time but... I thought I saw him today. He didn't face any consequences, he walked free without any punishment at all, and that’s Jace’s fault. It's his fault I'm scared, and I see him in every man I pass by on the street. Because I know he's out there and no one knows what kind of man he is, because we said nothing."

She fought off tears with a stubborn determination. She was tired of feeling helpless and lost. When was it going to end? When would she be free of that fear?

Alec settled by her side to hug her around her blanket.

"You'll forgive Jace if you want to. Not forget, not swipe it under the rug, just forgive. Accept to move forward, even if it will never be the same. It... It happened, Iz. No matter how much we want to, we can't change that."

"It's not fair," she spat, petulant.

"No. It's not."

.

Alec was fiddling with his phone, undecided.

His conversation with Magnus was open, the last text from the man staring at him, demanding an answer Alec didn’t know how to write. He couldn’t say he was put off by the sexual innuendo per say, he wasn’t a blushing virgin anymore. But his sexual experience wasn’t that stellar either, and he couldn’t manage to make out the meaning of Magnus’s message. Was it a joke, or was he serious? Was it really something like “liking it rough”? Rough was more or less all he’d ever experienced, and he couldn’t say he liked it. He’d never enjoyed himself that much.

As such, he didn’t especially look forward to it, but Magnus probably did.

Angels, why did it have to be so complicated. Relationships were hard.

He resolved to let Magnus pick up their texting conversation. Not the bravest move, but it wasn't so bad, Magnus wouldn't know. Alec was very good at avoiding things he didn't like.

Like the fact that he had slept at Magnus’s place for example. Izzy had given him hell for this, pestering for not warning them and then for him to give her every details. Things was, there was no details to give – even if it took a long, tiring time to convince her of that. She couldn’t fathom that he could stay the night without them having sex. He’d been feeling pretty okay with it until she made him doubt. Magnus hadn’t seemed to be after his pants during the night, but now she had convinced him that he’d been a terrible prude. Had he been confident enough he would have asked Magnus. But he wasn’t, so he didn’t.

On Friday they didn't really work. Together, with the other interns, the girls and he toured the building to thank everyone, especially those they had never spoken too or even seen during their entire internship, and it the afternoon there was a little get together with cheap champagne and canape. They made idle chat with virtual strangers until they felt it was acceptable to leave, and then, as Maia said, the real party began.

The girls knew him well enough - they didn't let him go home. They believed he wouldn't get out again if he did, and they were right. So they hung out at the bakery owned by Maia's aunt for a couple of hours, guaranteed to have free pastries and coffee refills until they had to meet Maia's boyfriend for dinner. He wasn't meeting them at the bakery - her family didn't know him yet. She was starting with her friends.

They had already downed several glasses when they got to the club and time seemed to pick up pace. The music was loud, booming, a fast and repetitive rhythm completely hypnotizing. Alec's body moved on his own, followed the beat, the people around him, a random rhythm they all seemed to hear. He was drenched in sweat, buzzing with energy and alcohol, and his thoughts were wild, freewheeling in every direction without any restriction or control. He felt elated, carefree. Every time he talked himself into it he remembered how much he liked it, the dance, the noise, the mindlessness.  
Soon enough though, he had to sit down and rest. He was out of breath and his feet hurt, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He managed to reach the bar to order something soft and found a secluded spot next to the smoking room. He sipped his beer slowly, looking at the people around him and playing with his phone.

**_Hope the party was worth not seeing me_ **

Alec chuckled. It was funny. Magnus was funny. And pretty too.

_Barely_

It wasn’t very true, the party was nice and he was having a good time, but still it would have been nice to see Magnus and kiss him again. He was scrolling through some of their text exchange when someone dropped by his side.

"Hey."

"Hey!" he screamed back to Lydia to be heard over the noise. She smiled at him and took a sip of her own drink.

"You’re having a good time?"

"Not too bad. I came because Maia asked me too."

"Yeah, me too. It's nice though. Once in a while."

They talked, as much as they could above the music and the noises, but it was nice. Alec was intoxicated and relaxed, Lydia was funny in a dry, serious way that cracked him up. She was passionate too, talking about her studies and what she wanted to do after college with wild gestures and an enthusiastic smile. She wanted to do non-profit work - they were always looking for architects and civil engineers in poor or secluded areas, and she had already spent two summers helping on the reconstruction of areas severed by natural disasters. She sounded like she wanted to change the world. It was entrancing.

Alec would have been embarrassed about his own lack of ambition and passion if he wasn't fascinated by her words and slowed down by his drinks.

She stopped talking when she noticed his stupid smile and glassy eyes, and she blushed for a reason he couldn't get. The couch they were on was occupied by two other people, so they were sitting very close to each other. Alec was warm and comfortable. It was very nice.

"Maia wanted to set me up with you."

And it was gone. He sat up so quickly he knocked the girl behind him, the alcohol in his system not enough to save him from understanding Lydia’s words. He stared at her with wide eyes until she blushed and looked away.

"I told her it wasn't necessary, but she was insistent. Claimed she saw us walking back together last time and was sure we would get along well and all that."

She still wasn’t looking at him, and he was still unable to answer anything. Had he been sober he would have had a better grasp at the situation and how to control it, but he wasn't, and he was slowly panicking.

"Maybe we could... I don't know, have a drink, sometime? What do you say?"

What he said was he was going to throw up. No, he didn’t say that. He didn't say anything. His mind was racing, the alcohol making his confused thoughts even more sluggish. What did he say? She was beautiful, nice and smart, hardworking and funny, driven. Her presence was comforting and they were alike in many ways. There was nothing wrong with her. But he wasn’t attracted to her. Never would be.

"I... I..."

He wanted to say he was already seeing someone, but it wouldn't be fair. Not to her, not to him, not to Magnus. It wasn't the reason why he wouldn't go out with her. He was very drunk and they were in their bubble, despite being in the middle of a crowded club. He didn't want to lie. He didn't her to believe he thought badly of her.

"It's... It's okay if you don't want to," she tried gently, even if it obviously hurt her.

"I’m gay."

They both looked equally shocked and thrown off by the declaration. His mind was very far from him, he barely heard what was going on around him.

"Oh," she let out, struggling to find something else to say. He wanted to run away, or cry, or both. What had possessed him to say that to a girl he barely knew, here and now? He didn't know, but he found somewhere inside him that despite being crazy and stupid it was also... what, relieving?

It felt somewhat good. Especially when she started laughing.

He watched, confused, as she chuckled to herself before smiling at him.

"Well I guess it's a no then. Not so nice of Maia to throw me under the bus like this..." she added with a frown, scanning the crowd like she wanted to glare at the object of her discontentment.

"She doesn’t know."

Her head snapped back to him.

"You're... you're the first one I... No one knows. None of my friends I mean."

"Oh. But... Okay. Thank you for telling me then. For being honest. I... it's... thank you for trusting me."

"You don't... don’t find it weird?"

"I know it can be easier to talk to strangers than people closer to you, strangely enough. You don’t have to be scared of the consequences." Thinking about it, she repeated herself. "You really don't have to. I won't tell, if you don't want me too. And I don't... It's alright. I mean of course it's alright but I don't... I don't mind. I'm... I'm okay. With that. Gosh I really don't know what to say. I hope we can still be friends."

They stared at each other, both uncomfortable and helpless, until it was too much. They were still pretty drunk and it was just embarrassing. They burst into laughing.

That’s how Lily found them a moment later, laughing their ass off on the couch. She rolled her eyes, putting it on the count of their intoxication, and told them that Maia and her were going to flag a cab home if they were interested to share. They were.

They went home under Maia’s babbling and Lily’s scrutinizing eyes. Lydia squeezed his hand with a small smile before leaving the cab. Maia laughed and snatched Alec’s phone to program Lydia’s number into it, and he was too carefree to mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This look strangely like a party I went to four years ago. What a coincidence. Malec be bacc next chapter but they'll have some troubles sorry, relationship are hard ok. But it'll be okay don't worry.
> 
> Thank you for reading don't forget to leave a comment and to see me on [tumblr](http://inrainbowz.tumblr.com). Love u.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second date doesn't go well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so we have our fair share of Malec in this chapter but it doesn't go too well. Sorry, they have things to work out first. I'm a bit stuck two chapters from here because I'm trying to write sex and really I hadn't realized how hard it could be. 
> 
> Anyway, here we go!

Magnus woke up on Saturday just in time to make it to have an early lunch with Catarina in a small Chinese restaurant near the hospital. She worked too much for her own good, which he never failed to mention to her, but she always brushed it off with a gentle smile, arguing that she didn't know how else to be. After all these years, he knew it was a lost cause. He still tried though. Wouldn't want her to think he stopped worrying.

As she went back to the hospital, he took the subway to join Ragnor – he had to help him pick up some books at his favorite library, and yes, Ragnor ordered enough books that he needed his friends to help him carry them home like the weak nerd he was. Every time Magnus was sure he wouldn't be able to cram any more books in his flat, but every time Ragnor proved him wrong. "Everything fits with perseverance", Ragnor would always say, before realizing his mistake at Magnus’s waggling eyebrows. They spent a while drinking tea and bitching about clients and students – Ragnor could complain all year round, even when school was off. They didn't talk about Alec, both careful to avoid the subject. It was for the best, but it didn’t stop him from wanting to see the man.

They hadn't talk in a few days. He didn't know if Alec was as busy as he was or if they were just hesitant all of the sudden. He hated this phase in a relationship, the early beginning, when he didn't really know what to do, where they were going, if they were going anywhere. It was like negotiating a contract with no idea what the opposite party was up to.

Still, one thing for sure, he wanted to see him again. Soon.

**_Hey there, are you busy tonight?_ **

There, done. He already felt better about this. They could go out for a burger and a drink, maybe along with some live music from a local band, or they could make out in the back row of a movie theater in front of a shitty movie, or...

_I'm having dinner at my cousin's house._

Or they could not see each other after all. Magnus pouted, even if there was no one to see him, until another message came through.

_But I'm free right now, if you want to meet up?_

**_Well you know how to keep a guy on his toes! Where are you?_ **

_Still at the boxing ring, I'm wrapping up. We could meet at the diner next door? I know everyone there, we can get food free of charge_

**_And you know how to sweet talk too! Send me the address, I'll be there asap_ **

Magnus tried not to read too much into it as he got ready to go out again. It was nice of Alec to invite him to a place he knew well, but at the same time... Did he really know everyone there? Was it a big deal? It could be. The boxing ring had to be his parents'. A place he spent a lot of time.

Maybe it was nothing, maybe Alec wasn’t thinking. Probably. Magnus had a tendency to get ahead of himself in this kind of situation, and he had the feeling that wasn't Alec's case at all. Given what he could guess of his poor dating history, maybe he wasn't aware how forward the invitation could seem.

He was overthinking this.

Alec met him at the subway station, with a pleased smile but without a kiss. Okay, that was fair. They were out in public, it wasn't Alec's style, but he was starting to think this was a terrible idea.

They walked into the diner, and he wasn't disappointed. Or well, he was.

There was a redheaded woman behind the counter and a dark skinned girl doing the service. Her nametag read Maureen and she called Alec by his name with a bright smile and a "the usual then? And who's your friend?"

Magnus should have known better.

"This is Magnus. We met at work."

"Well, nice to meet you Magnus."

"You too," he answered halfheartedly.

He really should have known better.

They stayed a tortuous amount of time. The diner was really nice, the staff too, and the customers friendly – Alec was right, he knew most of them, probably because they all seem to come after a session at the boxing ring on the other side of the street. They ate the highest stack of pancakes Magus had ever had the pleasure to see, and which confirmed his suspicion that Alec had a hole where his stomach should be. Even the music wasn't half bad, in a nostalgic kind of way, Alec was relaxed and smiling, cracking jokes and even slipping a few innuendos, and it could have been a very nice outing.

Expect for the fact that every single person who approached them he was introduced to as "my friend Magnus".

First time sucked enough. After the fifteenth time he was ready to drown himself in his cup of coffee.

Alec, poor innocent, oblivious Alec, didn't notice a thing. It was probably normal to him. Lying, pretending. Magnus didn't understand why he was so pissed. Alec had been honest the other night, Magnus knew he wasn't out. But there was a difference between not telling people he was gay and bringing his date in the lion’s nest for the pleasure of telling them he was a friend. Who did that? Ah, trained closeted, probably.

And the day had such a nice beginning.

It really wasn’t like him. He wasn’t one to endure without a word, and he never hesitated to let it be known that he was upset, that he felt he had been wronged. But he stayed all afternoon by Alec’s side and he said nothing. He couldn’t explain why. He was a bit stunned, caught off guard by the sudden turn of events, and hurt too, that Alec could be so careless, so ignorant. Mostly though, he was watching it unfurl with morbid fascination. He listened to every lie, every inquiry at a girlfriend for the both of them, every word missing the point by a mile, and he figured this would make a fantastic chapter of his book. “The Closeted one – Socializing.”

The worst thing was probably that he played his part perfectly, all day long. He smiled and laughed, made small talk with old fighters and young idiots, even took a vicious pleasure at flirting back with the few girls coming out of the boxing ring. Alec didn’t even seem to notice, of course he didn’t. This was normal to him. This was how it was supposed to go.

Finally, as the sun was beginning to set, they left the diner.

He changed his mind – the worst thing, in all this, was probably that Alec was walking by his side with the profound conviction that they had just spent a very nice time together. And wasn’t that just sad? How dense could the guy be?

“I’m glad you came. I love this place,” Alec commented when they neared the subway station and Magnus couldn’t take it.

“Alec, stop.”

The tone of his voice alarmed the other man, because he complied immediately and lost his smile. Magnus felt almost bad for bursting his little bubble but at the same time he was so fucking mad he could have punched the guy.

“I guess I have my share of responsibility. We didn’t talk about this after all, and I understand, I really do. But I have to ask you never to do that to me again, or it’s not going to work.”

As he expected it, Alec looked completely lost, if guilty at least.

“I don’t understand.”

“I get that you’re in the closet. But I’m not. And I don’t have a habit of letting people put me back into it.”

“Magnus, it’s not…”

“Listen. That we hide it, it’s fine. You’re not out, you don’t want your friends and family to know you’re going out with a guy, okay. You can lie, but I won’t. If you’re not going to introduce me as your date, then don’t bother. Don’t throw me in there and act like we’re just friends from work, don’t force me to lie to the people in your life. I’m fine with not existing to them, I really am. But not with playing a role, lying to their face. What if you do come out one day? What will you tell them then? “Oh my boyfriend? You do know him, I’ve been passing him as a friend all this time?” No way. I won’t do it.”

“I… I didn’t…

“I know you didn’t think. That’s worse, in a way, but it doesn’t matter. Just. Don’t do that to me again, please. It's really... It sucked," he finished lamely.

Alec was stunned into silence for a while, Magnus could see the gears turning, the afternoon replaying in his head, under the new, terrible light of Magnus’s accusations.

“It’s just… What does it matter, what those people think, or know?”

“I don’t know? You’re the one lying, you tell me.”

Alec frowned, upset. They were facing each other, confronting, and Magnus was preparing for the upcoming fight, but Alec rapidly deflated, looking more sad than angry.

"I'm sorry,” he said, sulking. “I... I just wanted to bring you there. To a place I like. I feel good when I'm at the diner, despite…”

"I know. I know, and I'm sorry too but I... I can't do that. I can’t, and I don't want to."

“I’m sorry. I understand,” Alec answered. Magnus was surprised to hear him admit it so simply, and even more surprised to feel his anger recede. He was no stranger to heartache, but he believed Alec didn't mean it, and that he was truly sorry. It didn’t make it okay, but it was a start.

"Do you want us to... to be together then?" asked Alec out of the blue, catching Magnus off guard. He still look distressed and guilty, but hopeful too, and Magnus could have begrudge him for taking that out of the conversation, but for some reason he didn't want to. He didn't want to erase what happened either though.

"Not if it's going to be like this," he warned, even if it cost him. He needed to stand his ground. Alec ducked his head, ashamed.

"Okay. That's fair," he piped like a scolded child. “I don’t… I’m really sorry. I didn’t even… I’m such an idiot.”

“Keep hold of that, you can throw it back in my face when I’m the one who screws things up,” Magnus said lightly, anxious to lift the mood now the point was made. He was used to loud and lengthy arguments going on and on, thrown dishes and nights spent on the couch, but there was no point here. The truth was Alec was honest, even if he lied, if it made any sense.

He made to turn but Alec grabbed him by the wrist. He looked nervous, but determined, as he made a point to stare into Magnus’s eyes.

"Next time I bring you here, it will be as my date. I promise"

Magnus was left speechless. It was unnerving never to find any lies, any deceit in the man's words. Whether he would do that, or not, he believed in what he said, wasn't trying to calm Magnus down, tell him what he wanted to hear to be left alone. He was just so... earnest. Magnus really wanted to be mad, but he really couldn't.

"I'll hold you to that."

Alec took a step forward, a tentative smile on his lips, looking relieved. Maybe Alec was just like him - waiting for the other shoe to drop, to discover something terrible that would prove this was a bad idea. Maybe they could do with a little more trust and faith, the both of them.

"I feel terrible."

"You could make it up to me."

"How?"

"Tomorrow? Another date? You pick something."

"Yeah? Okay, okay, I can do that."

"Great"

"Yeah."

Back were the stupid smiles on their stupid faces and it should have bothered him. But once again, what would be the point? He felt incredibly indulgent. Probably because Alec was beautiful and sweet, genuine in the most refreshing way, and Magnus had the feeling it would be incredibly difficult to stay mad at him. Which wasn't a bad thing at all.

"I’ll pick you up for lunch, if it's okay with you?"

"Another diner?”

"One where we can hold hands."

Alec was smiling but he looked sad still, and Magnus didn't want that. He took his hands in his.

"Hey. I don't care if we're not all mushy in public, that's not what this is about."

"I know, I understand. But I do want to. I wanted to so bad all afternoon, I wanted to take your hand and kiss you, but I'm used to quelling these desires, and I always had the knowledge that it wouldn't be welcome to stop me anyway."

"Well I won't stop you. Ever."

It pleased Alec. He was easy to read, he wasn't hiding anything. Magnus was stricken again by how new this was to both of them. Be it Alec or himself, they were going out with people very different from what they had known so far.

They said nothing for a while, Alec playing idly with Magnus’s fingers, head down and lost in thoughts, until Magnus made to leave and Alec just acted fast, pulled at the hand he was still holding to bring him close and drop a light kiss to his lips. He let go with a shy smile and was on his way before Magnus could add anything.

There Magnus could believe Alec didn't like hiding, and that he wasn't lying when he said it wouldn't always be this way. He had known guys who would. Whom after months he discovered had no intention of ever being out, ever. And Magnus could have put up with even this. All he asked was honesty. He didn’t think it was too far-fetched.

He’d have to wait and see. And hope.

.

When Izzy came back home from an afternoon at the coffee shop with some friends, to get ready for dinner, she found Alec crying in his bedroom.

Well, he wasn't really crying. Alec didn't cry, but she had taken to call it "crying" when he was like this - sitting with his head in his hands, hunched and trembling, face scrunched in an upset grimace. He wasn't crying, but he could very well have been.

"Alec? Are you okay?"

He lifted his head hastily, like he was guilty of something. Oh, from his point of view, he was. He had this thing where he thought he had to show no weakness, to be the strong and steady one. Even when they had lost Max, he had stayed so stoic and calm, it had driven her crazy. She only understood much later how he didn't allow himself to break, to cry.

(He still had, after Max death. It had been awful)

"Nothing. I'm fine."

She rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, right. Come on, tell me."

"It's fine Izzy. Don't worry about it.”

She didn’t know where this came from, this pathological desire to hide his feelings, to keep it all so close to his heart. For someone who couldn't lie to save his life, he surely tried a lot in this kind of situation.

"Alec, please."

He sighed, defeated. It was a wonder why he still tried this move with her, since she always insisted and he always caved in in the end.

"You know, it would save us both energy and time if you just spilled when I ask instead of trying your "I don't need no man" crap."

"You know I don't like to complain, or talk about how I feel. And who knows, maybe one day you’ll actually leave it when I ask you too."

"Yeah, keep hoping. So?"

Alec sighed again, but he was fighting a small smile and she knew he wasn't as annoyed as he wanted to look. He could stay stubbornly silent when he really wanted to.

"I saw Magnus today. We went to the diner."

"That’s great!" she exclaimed, but his face told another story. "That's not great?"

"It was, until we left and I realized he had been feeling like a hidden mistress the entire time and had no interest in it."

She had trouble saying if he was angry at Magnus or himself. "What did he say?" she probed cautiously.

"That it was unfair of me to ask him to lie, and that he'd rather not be mentioned than being introduced as a friend which, it makes perfect sense yeah? I mean, it's obvious he wouldn't stand for this, and he shouldn’t have to."

"And so..."

"And so I didn't even notice. There was no problem for me, I spent half of the afternoon convinced we were having the perfect time. How can I be such an idiot? Seriously, what's wrong with me? I'm lucky he didn't ditch me on the spot. I feel so awful."

He made that face again, the one that made her say he was crying even if he wasn't, and prompted her to lay an arm around his shoulders.

"But he didn't, right? Ditch you. You talked about it, he told you what he thought and you listened to him. So it's fine."

"It's really not. You know, for all I say that I'll come out of the closet eventually, someday, I think... I think a part of me truly entertained the idea of staying hidden forever. I only ever went out with closeted guys anyway, it was plausible. It became so normal for me, it didn't even occur to me how bad it would make him feel."

Izzy had told him many times and thought it even more often, but Alec really was a dream of a guy. He was physically unable to do harm, to be mean or hateful, and even if his sweet and trusting nature had caused him problems and angered some in the past, she still believed he was one of the best people she knew. The simple fact that he was beating himself up like that spoke volumes about it.

"Alec, it's okay. You made a mistake. You're not used to this, he's not like anyone you ever dated, and he's not used to you either. It's alright, it's resolved."

"You don't understand, I don’t… I don't know if I'll be able to do it. Come out. Be out there in the open. Not now, and maybe not... not ever. It seems logical, inevitable, that one day I'll have to but... now I'm not so sure."

It was the first time she heard him speak like this. Even for her it was obvious that he would come out sooner or later. That's what people did right? But now that she thought about it, she had indeed friends who lived a secret life far away from their family, and who would likely never tell them anything. But Alec wasn’t like that. He was brave and selfless, he couldn't be so scared.

"No one is asking you to come out now..."

"But eventually. I told Magnus that I would someday, and I believed it. I think I want to but what if I can’t? I don't know. I wanted to take his hand and kiss him at the dinner but at the same time it was terrifying. It was easier to think he wouldn’t want to."

She squeezed his shoulder, at a loss for words. They were completely different on that front, and she couldn't understand what he was so scared of, especially since their parents weren't the worst in the bunch on that matter.

"Anyway, now or later, or never, the choice is yours. You just have to be honest about it, but you have no obligation. Don't feel like you have to."

"How can I go to the guy and tell him that I may never bring him to my family and my friends? That's not fair, to either of us."

"Then give it time. He may change your mind. Not because he makes you, but maybe someday you'll want it Alec, you’ll want to come out, not for the sake of being out, but to introduce him to the parents, to truly bring him into your life. It's a reason good enough. It's alright to do it for someone else you know. To draw courage from there".

"You seem awfully sure I will."

"I know you will, Alec. I never doubted it, and not because I think you should, but because I know you. You hate to lie, hate to be scared, and you're not ashamed of what you are, you're not ashamed of anything, ever. You even lived that fucking dance obsession when you were twelve, and you didn't care then about what people would say. You do now, but I'm confident it won’t stop you forever. And even if it does... Well, that’s how it is. The choice is yours. You do what you want, to make you happy. But Alec… if he makes you happy and you want it to work... It might need this step. Maybe you'll have that choice to make. Not now though. Don't over think it, you don't know where this is going."

"I don't want to hurt him."

"Yeah, but don't hurt yourself either. You don't take care of yourself enough. There are two people in a relationship, not just one."

He nodded, looking a little better but still too down for her taste. She shook him a little.

"Hey, come on. Stop thinking about it. You can stress over it later. Focus on sweeping the guy off his feet for now. The rest can wait."

“We have a date tomorrow.”

“Now that’s good news, should have started there. Not completely ruined if you’re going out again yeah? What will you do?”

“I don’t know. I’ll think of something. I have to make up for today.”

“You do that. It’ll be okay Alec, you’ll see.”

She wasn’t sure he believed her, but he always made a point of trying. Truth be told she didn’t feel legitimate to give dating advices lately, but who else would Alec go to about this? She’d do anything she could to support him. As he would for her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of Alec's troubles with coming out have to do with himself. It'll take some times before they can be at peace with their relationship, but they'll still try hard. And next chapter will be much sweeter I swear. I'm frustrated because I wrote things that are suppsoed to happen later but I have a chapter that refuse to cooperate first. I'll do my best. Please leave a comment!
> 
> (Also I draw the title of this story [here](http://inraindrawz.tumblr.com/post/154327729711/dont-break-character-youve-got-a-lot-of-heart))


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dating is nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My chapters summary are getting worse and worse. Also I'm in the final days of my master thesis so I editd this as a break/distraction. Back to work then. Something nice and sweet for the boys as a Christmas present even if it's not Christmas at all in the fic. You know I had planned to have Alec live through my struggles but this is going so much slower than I intended. Fifteen chapters and most of the things I had planned for early in the fic haven't happened yet. Oops? I wrote some key stuff for later on, working on this makes me happy. We're far from done.
> 
> So anyway, enjoy!

Alec was determined to make this date perfect.

He would apologize to Magnus one more time. He would try to explain better, how new he was to all of this, how he never meant to hurt him. The most important thing in the world right now seemed to convince Magnus not to run away in the other direction.

He knew exactly were to take him. It had been quite a long time since he went, but he managed to dig up a few chips from a drawer, and he still had a fidelity card in working order. When Magnus had mentioned a place he liked and wanted to show him, it had come up first thing in his mind. It would be weird to go without his siblings, but maybe it was a good thing. Maybe it was time to get out of their hair a bit.

He picked up Magnus at his loft just before midday. He watched him walk to the bike from his front door with the clear impression that Magnus had toned down his look somehow. His jeans were tight, but still simple jeans, a simple black fitted t-shirt, a... okay, not to simple red circus jacket. His makeup was minimal, his jewels too. Alec felt bad, but said nothing.

He hadn't taken off his helmet, so Magnus kissed the glass lids, making them both chuckled like it was an extra joke. Alec started to believe that it would be okay.

They took falafel at a small counter and ate outside on a bench. The weather was nice and bright, throwing a lot of people out in the streets, families, couples and groups of friends passing them without a glance to go wherever they needed to go. Alec enjoyed this choreography, enjoyed witnessing the city life running around him. They tried to guess where they were coming from and where they were going, playing very serious detective out on an investigation, except their stories went crazier and crazier. By the time they finished their lunch they were on aliens in disguise and century old witches.

"Were are you taking me then?" Magnus asked when they started walking. He was relaxed, smiling, and Alec wanted to give himself a point for that, picturing the gauge of a good date slowly filling up, wondering what would be the prize at the end. It made him chuckle to himself, but he refused to tell Magnus why until after the day was over. Magnus pouted. Alec fought hard not to kiss him.

But he didn't dare, and as much as he didn't want to do it, he had to tell that to Magnus.

"Hey, huh, I just wanted to say... regarding yesterday and all that I'm... I'm not comfortable with... public display. Making out in front of people and all that. Especially in a crowded place and all... It's not that I... It's... I just prefer to go unnoticed."

He didn't make much sense but for some reasons Magnus cast him a seductive smile and stepped in front of him to meet his gaze.

"Oh, darling," he said sweetly, "how could you ever go unnoticed?"

He was half teasing, amusement and mischief in the edge of his smile, but Alec's face still heated up at his sweet tone and the term of endearment. It should have been silly, and he sure hoped Magnus wouldn’t call him that in front of others, but he couldn’t deny liking it.

"I manage," he whispered, their face close enough that Magnus could hear him even out there in the street.

"A shame."

A car honked loudly near them, making them both jump in surprise, and the moment was over. Alec was a little light headed and not completely sure where they were going anymore.

"No groping in public then," Magnus commented with a fake disappointed air.

"You're not making it easy though," Alec answered, earning a short laugh for his effort.

"I try my best."

He was joking, but Alec meant it - he had never have such an urge to kiss and touch somebody, especially when they were out in the open. Once again it may have been tied to the fact that Magnus would let him. He wouldn’t shy away, wouldn't cast panicked glances around in case someone saw them, he wouldn't flinch. It made it harder not to think about it.

When they reached their destination, Alec couldn’t help but eye Magnus nervously, waiting for his reaction. He raised an eyebrow, but he was smiling - maybe Alec hadn’t completely screwed that up.

"Arcade?" he asked, skeptical. Alec tried not to squirm.

"Yeah?"

Magnus seemed to think about it for a while, but eventually smiled, a little air of nostalgia on his face.

"It's been ages since I went."

"Me too, actually. But we used to come here a lot with my siblings when we were kids and... I like it there. I thought..."

He didn't know what he thought. Maybe he didn't do much thinking at all. Fortunately, Magnus didn't seem to mind.

"I'm sure I can kick your ass on Mortal Combat."

That had the benefit of waking up Alec's competitive string immediately.

"Oh, you wish."

.

Alec was glad he had dozens of chips left, because the prices had gone up since the last time he went. They made good use of the Mortal Combat game - Magnus won, but it was a tight score - and Alec won him back on some shooting game.

"Are you secretly a professional sniper or something?" Magnus asked as he watched him kill zombie on the screen - his own character dead for five minutes already.

"I took archery as a kid. Although I’m not sure it has anything to do with that."

"What?"

His surprise distracted Alec who lost his last life point. He put down the plastic gun with a grin at his score.

"Well, Jace, Izzy and I were boxing already, we figured we could be superheroes. I took up archery and Jace went out to do parkour with some guys in the neighborhood. We had to convince Izzy that yeah, dance was a valuable skill as a superhero. For when the girl has to seduce the bad guy with pole dancing. I think that's where her feminist string comes from..."

Magnus snickered and Alec wondered if he would ever stop feeling proud for that. He wasn't known for being particularly funny, so he would allow himself to bask in the glory.

"My friend Catarina was the biggest nerd when we were in high school. She used to drag us to the arcade next to the school all the time. She would beat mercilessly all the guys that tried to take her on on racing and fighting games."

"She taught you?"

"She needed someone to train with."

Alec was going to ask something when Magnus stopped dead in his tracks, a slow grin blowing on his face as he eyed a machine in his back. Alec didn't dare to turn - he knew exactly what had caught Magnus's attention.

"Boy are we on," the man whispered excitedly, making a straight line to the Dance Dance Revolution booth where a couple of people were waiting for their turn.

"You sure? With the line it's going to take some time..." Alec tried weakly, somehow knowing it would be of no use.

"There is no way we are leaving this place without pounding that game darling."

Alec wanted to protest but the endearment left him speechless again. He didn't know if it was a slip or if Magnus had use it on purpose to confuse him, but the result was the same - he grumbled something halfheartedly and fell in line with his date.

"We had a deal with Catarina, that she would dance with me if I played with her. It's been a while but I have to say I was pretty good."

"I don't doubt it," Alec said with an absent nod, eyeing the couple fumbling and laughing on the machine. They waited a couple of minutes in silence before Magnus spoke again.

"You know, we don't have to, if you're not comfortable with it."

He said that, but Alec was sure he would be disappointed. Besides, it wasn't that he was uncomfortable per see. Or well, not for the reason Magnus thought.

"No, it's fine."

"You sure?"

"Hm."

.

A couple of hours later, they were sitting in front of a large coffee for Alec and a green tea for Magnus, and the older man wasn't recovering.

"I can't believe what I just saw. I feel so cheated," he said again. Even if the joking tone was clear in his voice, he really was a bit shocked. Alec had the decency to look apologetic.

"I told you I never picked up dance as a proper practice, so I had to find it somewhere..."

"At my dignity's expense. I thought I was good you know."

"You are!"

"And you're a star at that game. I’m pretty sure I heard some people clap at the end."

Alec blushed like the pretty boy he was and it was all Magnus had not to sigh like a besotted handmaiden. He had thought that Alec was reluctant to play DDR because he didn't want to look ridiculous, but he had been completely wrong. Turned out Alec had spent even more hours on the game than Magnus did, and Magnus wasn't sure he could handle this knowledge.

"You know that means we WILL need to go again. I won't stay on a defeat like this," Magnus said with a serious frown, probably betrayed by the traitorous smile tugging at his lips.

"Yeah. Let's do that."

They were sitting closer to each other, tucked in the corner of a little coffee shop, half empty and dimly lit, and Magnus resisted leaning in to kiss Alec's small smile, knowing it wouldn’t be well received. He didn't pretend to understand what was going on in Alec’s mind exactly - he hadn't had that problem. He had come out to his stepdad pretty early, straining an already complicated relationship, and he had never been closeted to his friends. They had grown up and discovered those things together on the way. He had never hidden from this point, to anyone he met. That didn't make him any better or braver than anyone, but it sure made his life easier.

"You’re too cute for your own good," he sighed wistfully. Alec smiled, looking pleased. How was Magnus supposed to fight that.

“Next time I’ll be the one to take you somewhere I like then,” he declared, already thinking of possible places. Alec got a strange look on his face, something apprehensive, pondering.

“You already know where?”

“I’ll think of something.”

“Don’t you have a place you usually bring people to?”

Magnus frowned, trying to make sense of Alec’s tone. He didn’t like the accusing implication, but Alec amended his words immediately.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to… That’s not what I wanted to say.”

“I’ve had my fair share of first dates, that’s for sure,” Magnus said carefully.

“I know, I know, I don’t care I swear, that’s not what’s it about but… I was just wondering, don’t you… isn’t it tiring? Doing it all over again?”

“What?”

“Well… teaching and learning. Talking about your life, taking them to your favorite places, getting them to know you, and you to know them. Getting close, know everything about each other and then…”

Alec trailed off, looking like he regretted asking at all, but it got Magnus thinking.

“It’s never really the same you know. And, well…”

He hesitated. Most of his dates he didn’t work too much for it, because it wasn’t intended to last, but he had had a few relationships where he had made that effort, to let them in, to show them who he was. But he knew there was a reason for that, although he wasn’t sure he was ready to share it with Alec. He looked too curious though, like Magnus had a great secret to teach him, and he wondered where this questioning came from when it was obvious Alec hadn’t ever really gone through that with anyone. Maybe he was just worried, maybe he did mind about Magnus’s past. He doubted it though.

He caught Alec’s gaze, his hesitancy and vulnerability probably visible on his face, on the way he grew serious suddenly.

“Well, I guess… I guess you always expect it to be the last time you have to do it.”

Alec’s eyes widened as he took his words in, and then he blushed. Honest to god blushed, looking so damn pleased it was absurd. What had he been thinking they were doing? Well, okay, maybe it wasn’t that clear. But Magnus was pretty serious about this, and he hoped Alec wouldn’t doubt that. And that he was too.

“I see,” Alec said quite lamely, only because he felt like he had to say something. They smiled to each other, something soft and private, and somehow Magnus had the feeling they were thinking more or less about the same things. A possible future, a chance, some hopes. Alec grew more serious again.

"I wanted to apologize again, for yesterday," he said suddenly. Magnus needed a few seconds to recall what he was talking about. Something he didn't want to bring back on the table at all. He tried to brush it off.

"It's fine, don't..."

"I don't... don't think it is. I'm really... I should have been more aware of this, of you. I'm not very good with this. I'm not known as the perceptive one..."

Magnus let out a short laugh and Alec smiled, sheepish.

"Those are worries for another time, ok? Don't beat yourself up on this."

Magnus wasn't willing to dwell on serious and painful stuff just yet. They talked some more, nothing very deep or meaningful, just bits and pieces about their life, Alec sharing more than he had done the last time at the restaurant. Magnus managed to pry the name of his friends, a bit of his college life, and he felt like an investigator on a case, trying to piece together the life of one Alec Lightwood.  

He had plans to have dinner with an ex colleague that was in town for the week, so when Alec drove him back to his loft at the end of the afternoon, he couldn’t invite him over to prolong their time together. They still made out for a healthy amount of time inside the hall of his building, and he could admit at least to himself that it left him weak, dizzy, and craving for more. Alec seemed reluctant to go, a thing Magnus couldn’t fault him for, and he entertained the very real possibility of cancelling his plans to bring the young man into his loft.

He refrained though. He wasn’t sure they would go there yet, if that’s what Alec wanted. He himself wasn’t so keen on rushing into sex just yet, seeing it had never work out for him well in the past.

So eventually, he detached his lips from Alec’s and got his hands out of his t-shirt to send him on his way. At least the view was nice.

.

By an amazing stroke of luck, the following week, which was Alec’s last bit of freedom before the beginning of his senior year, saw Magnus with a surprising light workload, seeing that they had just wrapped up with their latest client and that they were low on new requests for the time being. Tessa and Will asked for some time off, which meant their team was on standby, and it was rarer and rarer that they were assigned cases individually now because with the increasing reputation of the firm came bigger and bigger clients whose demand couldn’t be handle by a single person.

All that gave Alec and him a welcomed opportunity to see each other every day of the week, either at lunch or dinner. For lunch Alec would bring sandwiches or leftovers they ate outside on a bench, watching people pass them by. They had dinner once out and once at Magnus’s place. Alec hadn’t wanted to spend the night. Magnus hadn’t insisted.

All in all it was very… mundane. Sensible, conventional. He didn’t want to say boring because there was a negative connotation to the term and he didn’t find it to be such a bad thing. It was just so out of what he was used to, he wondered if he wasn’t as clueless as Alec in the way they were doing things. The last time he had gone all nine-yards and proper was with Camille, and the comparison made him shiver. He didn’t want to think about Alec like that – he doubted the man could be as cruel as she’d been, but, well, he hadn’t believed she would be either.

He knew he was easily hurt. He didn’t know how to protect himself, his feelings, his heart. Ultimately, it was always in their hands and they were rarely careful with it. If he was honest to himself, he was terrified. No matter how much he wanted to deny it, more than anything else the main reason why he hadn’t dated seriously for so long was because he felt it wasn’t worth it, worth the pain, the heartbreak. He was tired of getting hurt.

But on the other hand, Alec was just so nice. It was hard to believe he was for real sometimes. He didn’t have any game, any ulterior motives. It was a bit unnerving to be honest.

“So, when are we meeting lover boy then?”

Magnus sighed and poured Raphael more wine to shut him up. Catarina handed her glass too – he finished the bottle serving her. He had made them cocktails before diner, and they were all getting pleasantly warm and light headed. Ragnor wasn’t there – he was probably mourning the end of the summer holidays in his cave of an apartment.

“Not anytime soon. I don’t want you to frighten him,” he answered, the alcohol preventing him from sounding as light as he wanted too.

“We wouldn’t. Not on purpose at least,” Raphael said between two sips of wine. Magnus glared at him above the rim of his glass.

“What? He’ll have to handle us. We’re a package deal”

“That doesn’t mean you have to show him your more vicious streak the first time.”

“I’m a delight at all times,” he deadpanned.

Both Catarina and Magnus burst into laughter. Raphael’s lips drew up in a barely there smug smile – he liked his effects.

“For real though,” Catarina added with a warning look at Raphael, “we won’t do anything to him. It would just be nice to meet a guy that can treat you well for a change.”

“That remains to be seen,” mumbled Raphael in his glass. She hit him behind the head, making him splutter wine all over the table.

“Oh! What was that for?”

“Being a dick.”

Magnus laughed softly at their antics. He wasn’t that worried, and it wouldn’t happen anytime soon anyway. They were still figuring things out, in this place where the relationship was just about the two of them. Friends, family, the outside world, that would come later.

“So you didn’t sleep together,” Raphael stated, efficiently bringing Magnus and Catarina to more serious questions. Magnus shook his head.

“Could he be…” Raphael made a vague gesture towards himself, to say “like me” even if he didn’t say the word.

“I don’t know, maybe. If he is ace, he doesn’t know. I’m not even sure he knows the difference between gay and bi.”

“Well isn’t that something you should address then?” Catarina asked with a gentle voice, always so gentle, careful. He knew it was her way of being, but sometimes he had the impression she was smothering him, like he couldn’t handle whatever hard truth she threw at him.

“Yeah, I guess I should.”

“Would it bother you?”

Magnus raised his eyes from the bottom of his glass to cross Raphael’s gaze. Gone was the smirk, the joking glint of his eyes. He was fiddling with the black ring on his right middle finger, and Magnus knew he couldn’t lie to him, even if he would have preferred to.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. Now that was a question he had never had to ask himself. Closeted, in denial, sex addict, check. Asexual, that would be a first.

Raphael nodded but averted his gaze, and Magnus hated he couldn’t reassure him that it wouldn’t change anything, that it didn’t matter. Raphael was in a good place about this now, mostly because of his over enthusiastic nerd of a boyfriend who adored him no matter what, but he had struggled with his sexuality when he was in high school like the rest of them, and it was still one of his major insecurities to this day. But Magnus had to be honest and if he was, he had to admit he didn’t know what he would say to a relationship where sex was out of the equation. That would be the exact opposite of everything he’d experienced so far, and he’d had a lot of affairs when sex was not only essential but even central, being their only mean of communication and proximity. He was aware that it wasn’t particularly glorious or healthy, but that was what he knew.

“Anyway, you’ll think about it when the matter arises,” Catarina offered as a buffer to the rising uneasiness of the conversation. The two men nodded and drifted to another subject entirely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took my sister to arcades last time she visited and that's where this came from. Also because Alec is a nerd. My sister and I are DDR fans even if we're not any good (she's better than me though, forever bitter). 
> 
> As I said before, I hesitated having Alec ace in this fic but ultimately decided against it. He's still not overtly sexual though. Speaking of which, next chapter the rating will go up! Don't get too excited thouhg cause it will be pretty awkward x) maybe it'll be a New Years Present if I have the time! Thank you all for bearing with me, reading and commenting this thing. Love.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec goes back to school, we meet Simon. Alec and Magnus (and the author) attempt some sexy times (and mostly fail).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Has it been a long time? It feels like it's been a long time. Anyway, here we are again. I hope you had a nice end of the year and I wish you every happiness for the one to come. Let's begin with some of Alec's life and with what is, I have to confess, the most explicit things I have ever written. Don't hold your breath, but still please tell me what you think. I finished my master thesis and will soon be done with my other works, and the next few chapters are already written, so I hope I'll be here more often from now on.
> 
> Also with the starting of the new season I'm excited again. I'll be back to my AUs and my fluff serie too, probably.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

The welcoming day of their last year came and went. Alec sat between Maia and Lily so they could both rest their head against his shoulders and try to recover from the previous night’s outing. Alec dutifully took notes of the requirement for each subject and the major deadlines of the semester, before shaking them awake so they could have lunch at the cafeteria before rush hour. Then they went to see the classes and teachers they’d been assigned to for project class.

They all got their first choice, which was almost a given in final year, but it was still nice to be sure. He was pleased to see Lydia’s name on the list of people in his urban planning group. He knew some other names, vaguely.

He took a picture of his name on the list to send it to Izzy and Jace, and, after a second of reflection, to Magnus as well.

**_[Izzy] Congrats! Or condolences?_ **

**_[Jace] I have no idea what that means but I guess it’s cool_ **

**_[Magnus] Great! Guess we should make the most of our time before you disappear into schoolwork then._ **

The coursework was light for their final year, but mostly because they had to work on that frigging master thesis. Long hours at the library, weekly meeting with their tutors to be told each time that it was terrible and needed to be change entirely, rewriting the same three paragraph a hundred times... It didn't make anything better that he wasn't gifted in the writing department. He had been diagnosed with light dyslexia when he was a child, and if he now managed to read a lot by sheer force of will, writing remained a chore.

Well, they had their first meeting on Tuesday, so he would see. For now he had far more interesting things to stress about. Namely, did he dare suggest spending the night at Magnus’s place on Saturday.

Of course it didn't have to mean they would sleep together, but that's what he would imply by asking. It would be too strange not to if he stayed the night, and well, he wanted to get it out of the way. It would happen sooner or later anyway, at least he would be prepared.

**_[Magnus] what about tomorrow night?_ **

Well, if he made things that easy...

_What do you have in mind?_

**_Ragnor gave me two tickets to the premiere of a French modern play. He said to tell him when he wanted us to go and I told him that I could find someone else to go with me. He disagreed, his way of telling me all of my acquaintances are idiots._ **

_I would be glad to be used to prove him wrong._

**_That sounds terrible said like that. Sorry. You still interested?_ **

_Yeah, why not. You can take out my uncultured self._

**_Perfect. Dinner at mine after? It shouldn't end too late._ **

Way too easy.

_It's a date._

**_I like the sound of that._ **

Alec smiled. Despite his nerves, he did too.

.

"I won't be home tonight," Alec announced at lunch the next day between two mouthfuls of macaroni and cheese, hoping his family's attention was diverted enough by the food that they wouldn't question it further. That was counting without Isabelle of course, who choked on her food with how fast she tried to swallow it.

"Why? Where are you going? With whom?"

He glared at her but it was his mother he spoke to.

"I'm going to the theater with a friend, and then we'll eat at his place. We agreed I could spend the night instead of driving back here in the middle of the night."

She nodded, unconcerned. He was the only one who still did the effort of informing his parents of his whereabouts. Izzy and Jace were in and out of the house without anyone ever knowing exactly where they were and what they were doing, something Alec actually found quite rude. But well, if their parents had protested at some point, it wasn't like they had any family life to salvage anymore. It was rare they all met at the kitchen table now. In fact neither Jace nor their father was here at the moment.

"You'll still be here for lunch tomorrow, yeah?"

He figured his mother insisted on Sunday lunch because otherwise they would never be all together in the same room.

"Yeah, don't worry."

She frowned but said nothing. He felt guilty, for lying, for telling her not to worry when she had every reason to, about all three of her children. Izzy winked at him, and he found it sad that she didn't have more indulgence for their mother. Then again, Maryse didn't have much indulgence for her either.

He knew she would nag him about spending the night at Magnus’s, so he resolved to get out of the house as soon as possible. He could spend a few hours at the bookstore, catch up on the latest issue of his favorite comics, check the latest arrivals. Izzy made fun of him because he was "worse than a nerd" - he read obscure graphic novels from foreign countries and old pulps from the second-hand boxes, and had an encyclopedic  knowledge of forgotten sci-fi issues. But she, on the other hand, stayed up all night to watch catch on television and still prized her collection of WWA cards, so she couldn't talk.

She recognized his escape technique when he bolted from his chair at the end of the meal, but their mother requested her to help with the dishes and cleaning, so he was safe to go. He sent a kiss to her murderous face before leaving the house.

.

"Alec! It's been a while!"

Alec waved back at Simon behind the counter of the bookstore, not knowing if meeting the guy was a good thing or not. It usually went this way with Simon - they got along fine and had some shared interests, namely science-fiction, but Simon was a ball of nervous energy, always talking, smiling, laughing, moving. He exhausted Alec very quickly, he couldn't bear him for too long or too often. Especially because Simon was unable to tell when someone - Alec - didn't want to talk and wanted to be left alone. It wasn't because he was callous or uncaring, but he sought company at all times, and couldn't fathom why anyone would avoid it. The definition of an extrovert, which, breaking news, Alec wasn't.

Proof was, Simon ringed up a customer and immediately took advantage of the empty store to leave his post and join Alec in the shelves. He kept an eye on the door, but it was quiet - the bookshop was highly specialized, it was never that crowded.

"How are you doing? Looking for something in particular? Do you want coffee? If you have the time," he asked in rapid succession, with that habit he had to attack people with questions.

"Fine, fine, I have some time to kill so I just wanted to see if you had anything new. So yeah, I have time."

"Awesome. I'm dying of boredom. Do you have something planned afterward? I get out at 5, I have a gig with my band tonight. You can come if you want, you weren't there last time, Izzy told me you had a date by I wasn't sure she wasn’t making fun of me. Did you have a date?"

Alec ran his fingers on the spines of the books and couldn't hold back a smile. The thing that made their friendship work anyway was that Simon never took offense at his lack of answers and conversation. He was fine with maintaining the discussion, and would stop asking questions and start rambling if Alec didn't answer. He knew far more about Simon's life than Simon did about his. Well, that he did hear from Alec anyway. No doubt Izzy kept the boy updated on it. They had that talkative gossip streak in common.

"I did. And I have another one tonight, sorry."

Simon beamed.

"Oh, that's cool! I hope it works out then. You can come next time, I'll let you know. I like when you come, it throws people off, that motionless guy standing right in the middle of the dancefloor who only moves his head. Oh, maybe you can bring your date too!"

That was another thing Alec couldn't help but like about Simon - he wasn't noisy, and he was genuine. He didn't think about what he said, if it was right or wrong, how it could be received. Of course it caused him problem sometimes, like it did for Alec, but it also was so refreshing. He could hand compliments like it was nothing, heartfelt confessions and weird appreciations, and Alec was always caught off guard, always weirdly pleased to be surprised. He never doubted his words - if Simon said he wanted him to come, then he did. If he didn't, he would say it too.

“Not sure if Jace should come though," Simon commented with an embarrassed laugh. It wasn't in his nature to be vindictive.

"I'm sorry about that."

"Why? You didn't do anything, you weren't even there."

"Yeah, that’s the point. Had I been there..."

"You think he wouldn't have punched a guy in the face?" Simon asked, sarcastic. Alec huffed.

"No, you're probably right", Alec conceded, even if he didn't like it. He wanted to believe he would have stopped it, would have been able to do something. But maybe he was fooling himself. He didn't have control over Jace.

"Jace and I aren't the best of friends but I like him y'know. Just, that was really not nice of him. Oh, could you tell Izzy it's fine to call me? I think she feels guilty or something, I haven't heard from her, but it's not her fault either."

"I will."

"Thanks. Ready to start college again then? I so not want to. Will be nice to get out of the house though. I've been playing Civilization 5 every day all day for weeks, I think if I didn't have to come to work I would have merged with my chair."

"You have band practice too."

"We go to Matt's house to practice for an hour and mistreat his Playstation for four. Not very profitable. You should come by someday, with Izzy and Clary too, we can do a Mario kart tournament. I learnt how to bake cookies this summer, I don't want to brag but they are awesome."

"Yeah, why not."

Alec didn't feel comfortable excluding Jace from their plans. It was supposed to be all of them, but he couldn’t blame Simon either. He surely thought Jace wouldn't want to come anyway. That's what happened when you kept denying people and keeping them away. Eventually they stopped asking.

Alec bided a pouting Simon farewell at the end of the afternoon, a few minutes before he had to close shop anyway, so he didn’t feel too guilty about "abandoning him to his lonely and cold fate". Alec reflected that the only common point all his friends and siblings had was a clear tendency towards over exaggeration and a flair for the dramatic. Magnus certainly fitted the pattern too. Alec didn't include himself in the category, but they would surely have, had they heard his way of thinking.

.

They met outside a small theater in a busy street of downtown Brooklyn. On a Friday night the streets were crowded, bright and animated, and it was almost shame to go and confine themselves in a dark and closed off space. They wouldn't even be able to make out discreetly, the show was booked. Besides, Ragnor would surely ask him about the play just to see if he went and paid any attention to the thing. The guy had that terrible ability to make him feel like a neophyte, even if his theater culture was substantial. Ragnor knew all about everything, it was impossible to compete.

"What is it we're seeing exactly?” Alec asked with a wary eyes to the people around him. They were all very fashionable, distinguished, and he was worrying the edge of his plain old black t-shirt with fumbling fingers.

"Something contemporary. It’s a modern reflection around the myth of Phaedra."

"Oh. Ok."

"You know about it?"

"...No."

He had whispered, like he didn't want to be heard. Magnus could sympathize - this was not the most tolerant of crowd, well dressed or not. He hadn't consider the fact that the outing could make Alec uncomfortable.

"Well, it's about..."

Alec looked suitably impressed with his knowledge - take that, Ragnor - and looked a bit more enthusiastic when they entered the room. That is, until the black screen above the stage made him think about what Magnus had said earlier.

“Wait, is it going to be in French?” he asked, a little panicked. Magnus shrugged.

"Yeah, the screen is for subtitles though, don't worry."

That didn't seem to help much. They found their seats on the right of the room, squeezed on uncomfortable chairs between an older couple and a young woman who was on her own.

"And how long is it?"

Magnus flashed him an apologetic smile just before the lights went out.

“Three and a half hours.”

.

So maybe it wasn’t the best idea for a Friday night date. Even for Magnus, the play had been pretty long and a bit boring at time. He couldn't imagine how it was for someone who had no experience with the theater at all. To his credit, Alec was pretty polite about it, even if Magnus had seen him doze off several times.

"That was... interesting." Magnus wanted to give him a point for trying.

"Don't worry, even for me it wasn't all that pleasant. I'll have Ragnor for this. I'm sure he knew this wasn't that good, he's already seen all the plays in the world."

Alec shrugged, unconvinced. Maybe he doubted Magnus’s words, maybe he thought he was just being nice, sparing his feelings. It didn't matter.

"Will you let me take you to another? Something better, I promise. I would hate to leave you on that first impression."

Alec had confessed earlier never to have set foot in a theater since a classic Greek play in middle school. He shrugged again.

"If it's something you like, I'll go," he answered simply, like it was an evidence. Magnus had noticed he did that a lot, speak honest and reveling truth like they were a given. It was endearing to say the least, Magnus not especially used to genuine care.

"Next time is yours to pick anyway so you have some reprieve," he joked. Alec smiled softly but his tone was serious when he answered.

“It wasn’t that bad, really. I don't mind."

"You don't have to sugar coat it you know."

"It was glimpse into what you're into. Besides, I had a few hours of sleep to catch up on."

The sheepish grin on Alec's face startled a laugh out of Magnus. This boy was ridiculous.

He had never minded going around New York by cab or subway, but he was quickly growing addictive to riding the city on the back of Alec's bike. He got to press against him, to see the streets run by them in a colorful blur, and to avoid most of the hassle of traffic and public transportation. There was no downside to this.

Expect, maybe, that it tousled his hair and froze him cold even when the sun was out and bright, but that he could live with. Maybe he would have to invest in a better coat and gloves if this was to be a regular occurrence in the future.

The thought made him giddy and light with excitement. There was no harm done in a bit of wishful thinking, he thought. It was just nice to have the knowledge, somewhere on the back of his mind, that maybe this was going to last, to imagine that a few months down the road, Alec would still be there.

They picked up Chinese take out on their way to Magnus’s loft and ate it cross-legged on the couch. He wanted to put on Alec's youth the fact that they were dating teenage style, but it would have been pretty hypocritical of him - firstly because Alec was four years younger than him, which wasn’t' that much, and secondly because he enjoyed it damn too much. Nothing fancy, nothing over the top, he didn’t feel the need to stay smooth and polished, to flirt with style, to impress, to be flawless. This, he realized, was the side effect of being with someone who was unpolished themselves - Alec had little artifice, be they mental or physical. He didn't put much thought in the way he dressed an how he looked, a result, Magnus thought, of genuine carelessness instead of conscious statement. He talked about things, even if they were embarrassing or awkward, he was an open book. It almost made Magnus worry for him, that he would get hurt, being so honest. But then he thought, what a terrible way of thinking. If Alec got hurt because the world was cruel, it was the world's fault, not Alec’s.

Magnus would fight the entire world if need be.

There was lull in the conversation when their food was gone, Alec taking the opportunity to bring it all back to the kitchen. At least they didn't have any dishes, or he would have washed them too - he was of those people who did the dishes immediately after eating. Magnus was envious. His always laid neglected until they grew a life of their own before he had to take care of it when he didn't have any clean plates or cups left.

He was about to ask Alec about what he wanted to do next, and maybe invite him to stay longer, stay all night, but he didn't have the chance. When he went back to the living room, Alec sat down beside him, and with a promising smile as all warning, he brought Magnus into a searing kiss.

.

The kiss got heated pretty quickly which was a joint effort from both of them. Alec pushed enough that Magnus reclined against the armrest, his legs falling open so that Alec could fit between them and resume kissing him. Alec liked the couch. It felt less intimidating that a bed somehow, thing should progress more naturally, almost in a "welp we were kissing and we ended up naked what a coincidence" sort of things that in the bedroom where the outcome was too clear for him to handle. He fumbled briefly with Magnus pants to get into it and spared a thought at the "get into his pants" joke.

Magnus arched up against him with an appreciative moan and ah, yeah, that was nice. That was what this was about. At the bottom of it all, he really wanted to please Magnus. His hand was too dry for it to work as it was though, and when he tried to reach deeper, Magnus chuckled and batted his hand away.

"Slow down," he whispered breathlessly against his neck, were he was biting happily at the sensitive skin. "Slow down, there's no rush."

There kinda was, but Alec didn’t argue. He had a weak spot on his neck, just below his jawline, and Magnus seemed to have pick up on it - Alec couldn't be expected to be very focused.

Magnus seemed particularly... attentive. His hands were traveling the expanse of Alec's upper body - he had lost his t-shirt at some point, but when? Who knew. (Magnus probably). Each time he grazed a place that made Alec shiver or exhale or react in any way, he came back to it several times, like he was testing. Alec was a bit overwhelmed; Magnus was plain exploring him, there was no other way to put it, and he didn’t know what to make of it - what was he supposed to do. It was hard to reciprocate since he couldn't concentrate, and he really wasn't used to being the sole focus of one's attention like that.

He briefly thought back on his first time, with an older guy that had been pretty nice, mindful. Curiously enough, one of the best he had had, compared to those who had followed. The guy had seemed to care, at least a little.

Despite his reluctance, he was curious at Magnus's body, curious to find out too what he could draw out of him. He had managed to unbutton the other's man shirt, which was no small feat in his opinion, so he put his hand on his body, traveled from his neck to his shoulders to his side, as they collapsed further into the couch and each other. He passed a tentative hand on a nipple and was surprised to feel Magnus melt with a pleased sigh. That was never something he was really into, not that any of his boyfriends had ever seemed to notice. It didn’t seem very polite to push someone off of a part of his body they were giving too much attention in vain, so he had never told them.  
Magnus was another story. Different from them, because he'd ignored them pretty fast since Alec hadn’t reacted much to his touch - he was way more sensitive on his side and the soft skin of his lower stomach just above his waistband. And different from Alec, because his appeared to be one of his weaknesses.

Alec tried again, fascinated at the way such a simple touch could please the other man. He put his mouth to it next, because why the fuck not, and was rewarded for his effort by an enthusiastic moans that made him very eager to keep going.

Maybe there really was no rush.

There had to be though, at some point. Alec's erection was starting to be painful despite opening his jeans to relieve some of the pressure, and they had to... well get on with the program. His hand traveled between Magnus’s legs again, trusting some spit to ease the friction, and he did his best to get Magnus's pants and boxers out of the way.

"Hey, not so fast..." Magnus managed to breath out. "I think I have lube lying somewhere around," he added, reaching blindly for the drawers of the coffee table. Had to be a single gay guy to store lube in your living room, Alec thought with a mixture of amusement and embarrassment. He grabbed the bottle, wondering what was "not fast" in getting to _that_ so fast, but well, he figured that was why they were here. He wasn't about to complain - if he had the choice, he'd rather be on top.

But as soon as he slipped a hand further between Magnus's legs, the man paused, looking confused.

"Woah hey, where are you going?"

Alec froze, confused. He could only utter an unintelligent “huh?"

"Bit... early for that, don't you think?"

"Early? Like in the evening?"

"Like I'm not nearly hard enough yet. Besides, I would have thought you'd...

"What?"

"I don’t know. You'd want to save that for... later. Do something else."

"Like what?"

This was getting increasingly confusing. It was strange, because sex was supposed to be pretty straightforward in his experience, uncomplicated and easily dealt with. Surely not something to be discussed.

"You don’t want me to fuck you?" he asked bluntly, because it would take hours otherwise. Magnus chuckled, a little embarrassed, and how the roles were reversed now.

'Not... at the moment, no."

"Want to fuck me then? I don't mind."

"That's not... no one has to fuck anyone for now. We don't even have our clothes off. Chill?"  
Alec stood up, confused and embarrassed. He was kneeling between Magnus’s open legs on the sofa, shirtless, both their trousers hastily unzipped, but with little trace of arousal left, which wasn't surprising after that terribly not sexy conversation. He didn't get why Magnus was being so complicated about that. He felt like a scolded child.

"Fine, fine. Whatever you want."

"Do YOU want to fuck me?"

Alec opened his mouth but found himself wondering. He really wanted to have sex with Magnus, to touch him, have him close. But he felt completely out of tune with Magnus and with himself too. He didn't answer. Magnus tried to put an end to the awkward talk by sitting up to reach out for Alec. He put a hand on his nape and lied down, taking Alec with him.

"Let's just... let's just... yeah?" he said, a little breathless, as they pressed against each other. Alec agreed dumbly. Whatever.

He was bit distracted though. He had the feeling he had messed things up. He knew his experience was quite meager in the sexual department, but he still knew what he was supposed to do. It was a little humiliating.

Magnus slid a hand between them and around them both, having managed to shove their boxers down enough to work them up. Ha, he knew Magnus would have deft fingers. It was a bit frustrating because he had rarely wanted so much another person, but he had trouble getting into it right now. He felt like an idiot. Did Magnus think he was an unexperienced idiot, a child? Magnus wasn't that much older than him, but sometimes he had the impression those four meager years were  the biggest gap possible.

But he was handsome and very hot trapped under Alec's body, and it was awesome to kiss him again and again, even if with their movement it was little more than pressing their open mouth together and breathing each other's air. And he definitely had clever hands.

By any account, he was way better than Alec, in every way.

That put quite the damper on his current mood. He tried to push the thought way, but there was no getting away from it. He hadn't thought too much about it because he hadn't properly register that they were doing this, dating and all, but he did wonder what could possibly draw Magnus to him.

Magnus’s hand quickened and pulled Alec out of his own mind for a moment. He traveled his hand on Magnus’s chest, trying to find again some places that would get a reaction out of the other man. That was a task he was up to - kept his mind busy.

"Are you close?" Magnus whispered against his lips, and, well. Alec couldn’t really say he was. Angel, that was the worst sex ever. How come he couldn't get into it properly? This was Magnus in his arms, what was he doing?

"Huh..."  
"Because I have a cramp."

Alec went still, staring dumbly into Magnus’s apologetic eyes. They stared at each other for ages, but just when Alec thought he was going to die of embarrassment, Magnus snorted, trying to contain a laugh. He failed, resulting in a pathetic aborted sound and a full body jerk that almost sent Alec off the couch.

It was all too much. They burst into laughing.

Magnus was shaking and honest to hell giggling and Alec didn't have enough force to stay upright so he just landed gracelessly on him. Magnus hoofed, laughter doubling.

"Oh my, I can't breathe," he huffed. They shuffled on the couch so that they were lying side by side, even if Alec was half hanging in the air and Magnus was crushed against the back.

"Hold me or I'll fall."

"Yeah that’s the only reason why I'm doing this," Magnus mumbled against his chest he was holding on tight.

"Let's... let's call it a night, yeah?" Alec pleaded, mortified. Their erections were mostly gone and he was too nervous and disheartened by this shit show.

“I think we’d better yeah,” Magnus answered lightly. Alec tried not to look too disappointed and failed.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"This went terribly."

Magnus chuckled softly.

"We'll try again next time. It doesn’t matter."

"Really?"

"It's hardly the worst I've had, believe me."

"What could possibly be worse than that."

Magnus's expression grew distant, his smile lost some warmth. For just a moment he was lost in memories.

"Lots, believe me."

Alec chose to dropped it. Maybe it really wasn't so bad. He felt hot with shame and embarrassment but Magnus didn't seem to care and if Magnus didn't care maybe he didn't have to either.

"I really wanted to sleep with you though," he mumbled somewhat petulantly. Magnus chuckled again and hold on tighter.

"Another time."

"Okay."

Why, he wanted to ask. Why don't you mind. Why would you want me if it's not for this. How can you be so carefree, how is it so easy for you. Will I ever be as confident as you, as comfortable with this. Does that mean that if I don't want to have sex I just have to say so. Will you still want me then. Are you sure you want me now.

"Okay", he just repeated. They drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by true shit. That was SO EMBARASSING. To imagine, to write and to read. I apologize. They will figure this out.
> 
> EDIT - ON SEXUALITY AND STUFF. I always have a million things to say in the not but of course I forget when I post... The comment reminded me that I wanted to adress something, in the previous chapter I said that Alec wouldn't be ace, but I was surprised to see several people still interested in having him on the spectrum. And well, since I want that to, and seeing how I wrote that sex scene (that was already written like this at the time) I figured that I had wrote him like that anyway. I think he's demisexual, even if it could be some times before he can tell himself, cause he has no clue about this. But yeah, Alexander Lightwood Is On The Ace Spectrum, Confirmed!
> 
> Next chapter they'll talk and be all cute, Magnus will explain to Alec what exactly "bisexual" means, and so on. Let me know what you think, see you soon, love!
> 
> (And we passed 60k holy shit! Yeah it's a big number for me. I'll probably brag about every 10k miles from now on)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mostly silly dialogues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, confession. Getting review is kinda like a drug I think, I'm excited to publish because of it. So if I want more I publish more. So I'm publishing again, because I have a chapter ready and no self control. Not much happens here though, lots of dialogue. I like dialogues. 
> 
> Next one will introduce some plot points because yeah, there will be some of those too, believe it or not.
> 
> Enjoy!

**_[Hey, what’re you doing right now?]_ **

_[I’m at the bookstore.]_

**_[Plan to stay there?]_ **

_[For a while yeah I guess]_

**_[Can I join you?]_ **

Alec worried his lips between his teeth, unsure. It would be nice to introduce Magnus to yet another place he liked, and he wanted to see him – that hadn’t had the occasion during the week. But Magnus had been clear about meeting his friends under false pretenses. Well, he didn’t have to lie to Simon. Didn’t have to be straightforward either. Maybe he could make it look like Simon already knew? He hesitated. That wasn’t like him at all, to form plans and deceive people, but he wanted Magnus to come. He was the one who was making things difficult.

Okay, that was neither true nor fair. But he couldn’t say no.

_[Yeah, sure]_

As a result, he waited with a stupid amount of anxiety for his boyfriend to come to a simple bookstore, something that should have been very low on the anxiety scale. He jumped when the bell above the door jingled and went to meet Magnus at the front. Of course he’d already been ambushed by Simon, but he seemed to handle it better that most people who met the guy for the first time.

“Alec!”

“Hey,” Alec said shyly. He approached slowly, not knowing how to greet Magnus with Simon looking. He was such an idiot, this was a terrible idea

“You know each other?” Simon asked, surprised.

“Yeah. Simon, Magnus, Magnus, Simon.”

Alec was going to add something, anything, and Magnus looked like he was too, but Simon cut both their reaction by smacking his forehead really hard with his hands.

“Ouch. That was too hard for an emphatic gesture. That’s your date!” he exclaimed, to Alec’s horror and shock. Simon, oblivious, got closer to Magnus, like he was studying him.

“Well I get why you ditched the show for him then. He’s hot. Well, you’re hot too, so I guess that makes sense. Hot couple,” Simon mused to himself, looking between the two with an appreciative look Alec didn’t know what to make of. Magnus laughed.

“You’re not so bad yourself, Salmon.”

“You know my name is Simon. Be nice Magnus or I’ll tell Raphael.”

“Raphael can suck my…”

"Wait a minutes, you two know each other?" Alec exclaimed, lost.

"Yeah. And you do too? Apparently?" Magnus asked in return. He was ignored though.

"How do you know each other?"

"His boyfriend is a very good friend of mine. Raphael actually, you met him the other day?" Magnus supplied.

"Boyfriend? Whose boyfriend?"

"Huh... Mine? My boyfriend?"

"You have a boyfriend? Since when?"

"Huh, dunno. It's been what, a year and half? Something like that."

"Don’t look at me, if neither you nor Raphael know I'm surely not the one who'll remember.”

"But... but... you went out with Izzy. And Maureen."

"Huh, yeah?  Not at the same time though!"

"When did you... you're gay?"

"No. I don't think so? I'm with Raphael."

"I don't…"

"He's bi. Like me. You know?"

"You?"

"Okay, Simon, I think we'll leave you to it. Tell your workaholic of a boyfriend that he can phone his friends once in a while."

"You know Camille is making his life difficult. Don't be mean."

"What do you mean Sherman? I'm not mean."

"Okay, I know, no mention of the queen bitch in your presence, sorry. Please call me by my real name."

"Will do Sheldon".

"I hate you.”

"Bye!"

"Have fun on your date!"

Manus all but dragged a stunned Alec out of the door.

"What... was that?"

"Don’t mind him. He thinks everyone is bi anyway, thinks it's the norm of things and people are just weird for being able to say "I don’t like that whole category of people". I swear their couple doesn't make any sense."

“I don't... okay, could you maybe slow down? Or even stop? Let's stop yeah?"

"Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I just… Sometimes you’re very hard to follow.”

“Sorry. Coffee?"

"Please."

They walked a few more minutes in silence to a coffee shop Alec had often gone to with Simon for his break when he didn’t want to stay in the shop without him. The waitress often flirted with Simon and Alec had been convinced the guy was flirting back.

"It's so strange you know Simon too," Magnus said when he came back from the counter with two large cups, coffee for his boyfriend and tea for himself. He fell into his chair and started breaking sugar for his drink, moving and talking. Alec had never seen the similarities between Simon and Magnus until now. "Small world I guess. We could have met sooner then. Although I don't hang out with him much, Raphael is essentially an in-house kind of guy, I think it's because he works so much, when he comes home he doesn't want to hear about the outside world. Good thing Simon likes to smother him."

"Wait they.... they live together?'

“Not officially, but he’s there so often they might as well. Are you two not friends?"

"No, not really. He's Izzy’s friend more than mine. Ex too."

"No hard feelings then, that's nice. I wish I'd have kept at least some friendly ties with my exes. Wait, no, now that I think about it, I really don't..."

"I... Magnus, please. Can I ask you some things? Like, in order? And you'll answer it one by one and not... get sidetracked?"

"Ok, I think I can do that."

“Ok. Ok.”

There was a pause.

"I didn’t know Simon was... not straight."

"That's not a question."

"I know! It's just... how did it never come out?"

"Well you didn’t come out either."

"But there's not... he doesn’t hide. He has a boyfriend! I didn't even know."

"It's no big deal you know. You're not close."

“Yeah but I... I should. I could have seen it yeah?"

"What? That he has a boyfriend?"

"That he was gay."

“He's not. And you can't always spot the gay you know."

"I didn't know he was... and you too."

.

The conversation was far from comfortable and Magnus was getting a little frustrated. He didn’t understand exactly what the problem was, although he had a sense of it, and he didn’t like it one bit. Catarina was right, they should have broached the subject earlier.

"What? Bi?"

"Yeah, that's... that's weird."

"You know I've been with women before."

"Yeah but I thought it was... you know. In the past."

"Well it kinda is since I’m with you, but it doesn’t make me any less bi."

Magnus hated Alec a little because he wanted to look serious and hold his ground but then Alec smiled that little sweet smile of his at every mention of them being together and well, how was Magnus supposed to stay mad then? It wasn't fair.

"I’m sorry to bother you with this,” he said with an apologetic shrug, nervously tousling his hair. “I don't know anything about these kind of things. Izzy tried to explain some stuff to me more than once but I used to freak out at any mention of sexuality in any form and it kind of stuck I think. She says I'm just a prude."

"Is she right?"

"...maybe a little? I don't like to talk about sex. Or love."

"Or feelings in general."

"It's hard."

"But necessary."

"I learnt that the hard way."

"Does it bother you?"

"What?"

"That I'm bi."

"Uh. I don't understand."

"What?"

"Should it bother me? Why?"

"It's not... it's just that some people don't like it."

"Really? Why?"

"There are a lot of reasons. Bisexuality is fake, it just means you're greedy, or you can't make up your mind, you can pass as straight so you're kind of one of them, someday you'll leave me for a girl..."

"Are those things that you've been told?"

"Most of them yeah, or that I saw on the net, at social meetings, from other's."

"Okay. Hum. Well I have to admit it's... very weird to me, because I’ve never been attracted to a girl in my life like... Never. I don't see the appeal. It confuses me. But huh... it's whatever? I mean having three or six billion people as competition is kinda the same... "

"Don't you fear I'll just miss girl’s bodies one day and leave you?"

"What? How does that make any sense? You could as well leave me because you miss a guy who can play bass guitar. And well... you're allowed to leave me if you want to anyway? Whatever the reason, it will suck."

"I don't plan on leaving you anytime soon."

“Oh. Cool. That's cool."

"What, did you doubt it?"

"I don't know but... I don't know. We could have been… Just fooling around."

"We didn't even sleep together yet.”

"Yeah, I know."

"Hey, I wasn't saying that as a reproach. I don't mind.”

"Really?"

"Yeah, really. Wait a minute, do you think that's all this is?"

"No. Although I worry about this, as I worry about everything there is to worry about. But I trust that you don't just want sex from me. I’d be the worst guy to pick for a one night stand."

"Because you take your time?"

"That and I'm not the greatest lay I guess."

"Ah, so that's what’s worrying you"."

"N-No, it's... okay, maybe. If anything I fear that’s why you’d leave me for, someone whose better at this, girl or guy."

"Is that why you were so embarrassed last time?"

"Please let's not talk about it."

"Why not? It was fun. It’s a good story. The kind you remember fondly."

"I made a fool of myself."

"Alec. Please. You didn't, you really didn't. It's not… sex is not such a serious affair you know. At least it doesn’t have to be? It can be fun and nice and light, it can be anything you want. It can be nothing at all."

"I really want to have sex with you."

"...well, thank you?'

“I don't know why I said that? But, huh, it's the truth. I do."

"I’m..."

Magnus fought off a smile. It was absurd to be so pleased by this, but it didn't look like Alec longed for sex with that many people. It felt like a great compliment.

"Don’t let it go to your head," said Alec playfully, even if he was blushing.

"You can't stop me."

The daring edge of his voice put an end to the conversation in favor of smiling dumbly to each other, wishing they were somewhere a little more private.

All too soon Alec sobered up though, the crease between his eyebrows foretelling more serious matters.

"Can I... I'd like to ask you something. It's okay if you don't want to answer but...”

"Come on, hit me."

"I wanted to ask you about Camille."

Magnus never liked to hear the name, but for some reasons it was both better and worse in Alec's mouth. Better because anything Alec said was more endearing that it should have been, and worse because Magnus didn't want to associate them in any way, ever. He bit his bottom lips, hard. He wanted nothing more than to block deny everything and move on, but he didn't want Alec to think the subject was closed off to him in particular. It was closed to anyone in general and to Magnus more than anything. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn't want to recall that pain.

"Why?" he asked defensively. He wasn't convinced yet that Alec could be just okay with him dating a lot and dating both men and women. He'd been faulted for that enough, by a lot of people, friend and lovers alike.

"There’s no real reason. I like to learn more about you, and it seems to be a big part of you, whether you like it or not."

"She's no part of me."

Alec recoiled.

"That’s not... I didn't mean to... I shouldn't have asked, I'm sorry.'

Magnus sighed.

"It's okay... It's me, I avoid thinking about it if I can. She hurt me pretty bad. Let's just say... We were together ok, for a long time, and there was a time I thought I would spend the rest of my life with her. She never thought so though."

"I see."

Magnus had the feeling Alec didn't see anything, but it wasn't hard to put the pieces together.

"It ended badly for me. Took time to get over it.”

"You still aren’t."

"What?"

"You're still not over it. You can't stand talking about it, even thinking."

"I’m over it. It’s just... sensitive."

“It's alright. Izzy has boyfriends she can joke about three week after their break up but her first boyfriend still isn’t to be mentioned in the house.”

Ok, so maybe he did see. For some reason it angered Magnus. He didn't want Alec to understand. He wanted him to be clueless about his pain, not to know any better.

“I’m over it, seriously."

"That’s what Izzy says too."

"Quit it with your sister! If I say I'm done with it then I am!" Magnus hissed angrily, voice rising. Alec looked hurt but he didn't take the bait. He just smiled gently, like to say "see?". Of course Magnus getting defensive only proved him right.

"You just can't talk about it, calmly."

"I can!"

Alec hold back a snort and Magnus realized how childish he sounded. His anger deflated, like it was bound to do if no one fueled it. Alec was the calmest person he's ever dated. It seemed very hard to make him angry.

"That... was a lie," Alec pointed out with a small, tentative smile. For someone who hated to talk about his feelings he sure thrived in talking about other's. How annoying.

"Yeah, it was," Magnus conceded with a sigh. Alec gave a sad smile, feeling bad for derailing the conversation.

"She's the main reason why I didn’t give a shot at a real relationship for a while," Magnus offered as a peace offering, a gesture of good will. Maybe the thing was to talk about it. To exorcise. Alec always received his words with care, cradled them close to him to understand them properly, to give them meaning. He was an amazing listener.

"How long?"

Magnus thought back on the half-assed attempted relationships he'd had after her. Some had lasted, maybe a few months, but it was the intention that counted. He knew it wouldn't last because he didn't want to try. He looked at Alec. He was taller than Magnus, but he usually hunched, especially when they were sitting like this, so that they could be close to each other, talking close to one another above the small table. They were very different in many ways, and it could work because they didn't care. They were open about the thing they didn't understand about the other, willing to learn, to adapt. He thought back on their conversation at the diner, about doing it all over again, sharing, opening up. But that was the thing, it wasn't every time. He'd dated people who barely knew more about him after two months, with whom he'd shared almost nothing outside of the bedroom. But he wanted to take Alec to places he liked, and introduce him to his friends, and talk to him about himself because it was going to last. He really, he really wanted it to last.

It came as a bit of a surprise. He never put a bad effort in a relationship, but he couldn’t say he'd been the most invested either. But Alec was... He didn't know exactly. Maybe he was special, maybe Magnus was finally starting to move on for real.

"I'd say until about two months ago."

Alec didn't register immediately what he'd say because he just nodded while turning his spoon in his cup, a little lost in thought. It was too  funny to Magnus to watch him go back on his words and understand, watch him blush so fast it had to be a bit unhealthy, all the blood in his body appearing high on his cheek. He ducked to hide into his cup and Magnus laughed, happy, relieved.

"You're silly," he mumbled around a delighted smile, making obvious effort for it not to be too broad.

"Guilty," Magnus pleaded, "but honest too," he added. Alec lifted his face for their eyes to meet, like he was waiting to find Magnus joking, dismissing the confession. He found none of that though. Magnus was more than serious. Alec looked stricken, a bit awed, and Magnus made a brave effort to refrain from getting closer and kiss him above the table. Alec still wasn't big on PDA so Magnus kept his hands and lips to himself, but he really wanted to kiss him. Now and everyday from now on if he could, every chance he could, anytime, for a long time.

"I’m very glad I met you," Alec whispered close to his lips.

Magnus could only agree.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's all folks! Camille will stir some troubles in her own time, but won't come between the two cause yeah, no. See you soon (I have two chapters mostly written because this story won't leave me alone). Hope you enjoyed, bye!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> About friendship and coming out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at it! 18 chapters! I won't ever get over the fact that I'm able to write shit so long x) Sooo let's begin some actual events yeah? I apologize for Alec's work, it's my way of dealing with my own. I have like... the next four chapters more or less written? Staring misunderstandings fight, fluff and sexy times. Every time I think about how much I have yet to tell I get scared a little. This will never end I fear.
> 
> I wanted to thank you all for leavin kudos and comments on this. We hit 200 comments! Okay we hit 100 actually since half of them are my answers but still! A special thanks to those of you who comment so often, I love you.
> 
> Thanks to NightChanger for the corrections, enjoy!

Alec was glad Lydia was in his project class. The major work of the semester was to be tackled as a pair, and she hadn’t hesitated one bit before coming to him.

"We don't know each other that much," she had said, "but the others I know enough, and there's none of them I want to work with."

Alec could understand the feeling. After five years of various group projects, he too had experimented working with a great deal of the other students, and he could count on one hand the number of them he would work with again willingly. None of them were in their class though, and he had a feeling Lydia was even more serious than he was, so he agreed readily. He wanted to befriend her - for once it would be a friend he made on his own, not a by-product of hanging out with Maia and Lily. Maia was a social butterfly, everyone knew and liked her. Walking with her around campus was a hassle - they always had to stop to greet one person or another, and she always seemed to have something to tell them. Lily and him had even used her for one of their sociology study, as an example of a local point of convergence in a large group of people. She had been very proud.

They only knew Lydia in passing though. Alec suspected she was a tad too serious for Maia. Lily would get along better with her, but she didn't go out of her way to have more friends. She had the photography club, and that was enough for her. Alec sometimes regretted never having joined any club on campus, but every time he had wanted to, he had been at a loss about which group to be a part of, and with the years passing, it had seemed too hard to get acquainted to an already formed group.

Lydia, he learnt, was part of the campus newspaper team, something that didn't surprised him at all, and various sports teams. She seemed to live her life a mile a minute, always keeping busy. It seemed a bit frantic to him, but at least she was always up to meet and work.

"So, how long have you been with your boyfriend then?"

He also discovered that Lydia, for all that she seemed cool and composed, would become extremely awkward as soon as she attempted casual conversation.

They were both working quietly on their computer and the question caught him completely off guard. Lydia failing at looking uninterested didn't help. He laughed awkwardly, wondering what the hell had possessed her to ask.

"Huh, it's been... a few weeks. Almost two months, I think."

"How's it going?"

He didn't know why she asked, she seemed as uncomfortable as he was.

"Fine, fine. It's going fine. I... yeah. It's great."

He hoped he wasn't blushing, or smiling too wildly. He was surprised however, to see her looking upset. Her eyes were glued to her screen but she was frowning. It occurred to him that it maybe wasn't very nice to brag about his relationship when he had rejected her. But she had been the one to ask.

"I'm sorry I... Does that make you uncomfortable?"

She snapped out of her own mind, looking embarrassed.

"No, no, forgive me. I didn't mean to look... I'm happy for you. It’s cool, really."

"Okay. But is there... something you want to talk about? I don't know, you seem..."

There and then Alec remembered how hard it was to actually become friends with people. You had to ask them questions and care about what they were saying and feeling. It was super hard.

She hesitated. Her computer was forgotten - Alec's too for that matter - as she gathered her thought, debating whether she actually wanted to talk or not.

"I think I... I really wanted to ask you out. I thought it could lead to something," she finally admitted. Alec coughed awkwardly, not sure what to answer to that.

"I'm... I'm sorry. Hum..."

She seemed to sense his trouble because she shook her hand in denial, looking upset by her own words.

"That’s not... I'm sorry, that’s not what I meant. Well, it's not really about you. It's... It was the first time in a long time I actually attempted anything of the sort."

"Is there a particular reason?" Alec asked, sensing that it was what she actually wanted to talk about. She nodded.

"I had a boyfriend. A student here, two years above. We were together for... three years. And a half."

"Did you have a bad break up?"

She shook her hand again. She was staring at her screen without really seeing it lost in thoughts.

"He... passed."

Well, that would teach Alec to offer to be talked to. His mind came up blank of anything he could possibly answer to that. She didn't look like she was waiting for an answer, but still he had to say something, right?

"That's... too bad."

He could have punch himself. She made a weird face. He stuttered.

"I... sorry, it's..."

It seemed better to stop talking. He closed his mouth. She didn't seem too mad though. She even smiled, even if it was subdued, distant.

"It's been a little over a year. I didn’t think I'd want to ever ask anyone out again."

That made him feel even worse. She had taken a step forward, a leap of faith, and he had crushed it.

"Lydia I'm..."

"Please, please don’t say you’re sorry. I don’t know if I could have actually handled it if you had said yes anyway. It's fine. I just wanted to talk about it I guess. Not make you feel guilty or anything."

"We don't have to talk about Magnus if you don't want to hear about it. I'll understand."

"Magnus? That’s his name?"

"Huh, yeah."

"I don't mind. I really don't. I know I tend to look like I just sucked on a lemon every time I hear about someone’s relationship, but I have to get over it. I don't want to be jealous or envious or others. I’m happy for you."

"Okay. Okay, if you say so."

Despite the noises of the room where dozens of other students were perusing over their own projects and various works, the silence between the two was brutally awkward, thick and tangible, almost as if they could touch it. Lydia cleared her throat, not much better than Alec at diffusing a tense atmosphere. She opted for a complete change of subject.

"Are you going to tell the girls then?"

Alec was tempted to revise his judgment on Lydia - why was she so adamant on talking about embarrassing things when they could just work in silence? He figured it was a desperate attempt to chase the awkwardness, but it was failing quite spectacularly.

"I... I guess. At some point. I’d like them to meet him."

"What are you talking about?"

Alec jumped so hard he knocked his knee on the underside of the table and would have probably fallen from his chair if Maia, in her greeting, hadn’t sagged gracelessly on his back. As it was, he caved under her weight and found himself half crushed against said table while she laughed loudly in his ears.

"So?" she demanded cheerfully. Alec managed to shake her off his back and waved to Lily who had arrived more quietly.

"Nothing, nothing," Alec and Lydia both said too quickly. Oh yeah, they would get along famously - they both seemed quite inept at social subtlety. Maia squinted, suspicious.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, just work."

Alec shifted, uncomfortable under her scrutinizing gaze.

"Is that it then? You like her more than us?"

“What?”

"I can’t believe you would betray us like that," Maia went on with a dramatic tone. "Keeping secrets. What did we do wrong?"

Alec rolled his eyes at her antics but couldn't help but feel an underlying truth in her exaggeration. He looked at Lily for confirmation - usually she was serious when Maia wasn't, and direct when Maia was sarcastic. She raised an expectant eyebrow at him.

"You're ridiculous," he said lightly. Maia huffed in mock offense.

"Oh yeah? Prove me wrong then. Spill."

Gone was the joke, or so it seemed to Alec. She was staring him down, and he didn't like it.

"There is nothing to say. We were working."

"Oh come on! Why won't you tell me?"

"What got into you? What do you want me to tell you?"

"That you're together!"

Alec’s eyes widened and he supposed Lydia was sporting the same expression. He blinked stupidly at Maia, who wasn’t smiling anymore.

"Wha... What? We're not together."

Unfortunately, his lagging response and uncertainty did nothing to convince his friend. She frowned.

"Why does it have to be a secret? You can tell us!"

"There's nothing to tell! We're not dating!"

"Why the hell not?"

"What? Because... because we're not! What kind of question is that?"

"I saw you two at the party last time. I'm not blind. And you've been spending all your time together, like partners in crime."

Alec opened his mouth to answer but came up blank. He supposed he must have seemed pretty close to Lydia, considering what he had entrusted her with. He didn't think his friends would notice though.

"We're just getting along well Maia, and we work together," Lydia supplied, although she looked as uneasy as Alec. He didn’t like being questioned like that.

"Yeah right," she sneered. He didn’t understand why she was taking it so badly. Lily, as always, seemed to read his mind.

'It's not like you tell us anything," she exposed calmly. "We're bound to speculate."

"You’re telling me there's nothing going on here?" Maia asked, gesturing between the two of them. Alec couldn't answer. It would have been a lie to say no - he had gotten unexpectedly close to Lydia in a short amount of time.

"Forget it," Maia dismissed angrily before storming off. Alec wasn't too worried - she had a habit of being dramatic - but he still wanted to stop her, to explain. Lily's pointed look did nothing to help. She was very good at making him feel guilty.

"I'm... I'm sorry about that,” Alec whispered quietly once they were gone. Lydia looked a bit shell shocked, as he felt.

"It’s okay. Hum. I'm sorry too. I didn’t mean to cause any problem between you."

"It's not your fault. I've not been especially honest with them, for a long time. They always respected that, but I can imagine what it looks like if I suddenly pour my heart out to someone else. It was bound to make us closer, that I... came out to you. I've never... never talked about any of this with them before. It's not very fair to them indeed."

"Let's get back to work," Lydia said suddenly. It was a lousy escape technique, but Alec couldn't really fault her for that even if she had been the one to bring an awkward subject to the table in the first place. He was preoccupied by Maia's reaction, but he trusted it would resolve itself eventually. He had enough to worry about already.

.

"How did you come out to your friends?" Alec asked out of the blue. They were cuddling on Magnus's couch, paying a distracted eye to a cooking show on his large TV, half dozing off and awfully comfortable.

It took Magnus some time to answer, probably because he was half-asleep.

"Hm, I didn't, not really. I don't know if you’ve heard but us queer kids tend to stick together even before birth. In my high school group of friends we went through various states of self-discovery, more or less at the same time. We didn't come out to each other as much as... ask the questions we were asking ourselves and find out about ourselves along the way."

He was stroking Alec's hair, regular and soothing, remembering being cuddled with Catarina and Ragnor in his teenage room, asking questions to the ceiling, the stars, themselves. Finding out they weren't alone in these strange feelings of inadequacy.

"I guess that’s the reason why I never had any real friends back then," Alec pondered aloud.

"High school's tough when you don't have a crowd. Was it hard?"

"Not that much. I just stuck to myself. No one cared enough to bother me, I was invisible."

"You have good friends now.”

"Yeah, but as a result I don't manage to be honest with them either. I kept it close to me for so long. Izzy and Jace are the only one I ever really came out to, and even if it worked out in the end it was the worst thing ever to stand there and wait for their verdict, their sentence. I wasn't too scared of losing them though, I figured as a family we would sort it out. It’s not the same for my college friends. I don’t think they would mind, I really don't but..."

Magnus hummed soothingly, sensing Alec getting distressed at his own insecurities.

"I never came out to any of my friends, not properly. But I did have to introduce my first boyfriend to my stepfather."

He sensed Alec still in his arms, suddenly much more awake and aware.

"I'm opening the Later Box. Pay attention,” he said, since he wasn’t going to back out now. Besides, it was a nice day, they were having a good time.

"My mother died when I was ten years old."

There was always layers to this story. First that he wasn't close to his family. Then, that he didn't have very much of one anymore. Then maybe, why it was so exactly. And then... how did it truly make him feel.

Small steps.

"My father was never in the picture, I don’t know who he is. I was raised by my mother's boyfriend, they got together when I was about two. He was fine, really, but he wasn't really a kid person. He took... adequate care of me I guess, especially after my mom died. At the time I thought he was going to pack bags and leave me behind, but he didn't. There wasn't much love between us but it wasn't so bad. He didn't... didn't take me bringing a boy home too well though."

“I… Sorry, I really don’t know what to say,” Alec said honestly. Magnus laughed softly before burrowing further into Alec, relishing in the warmth, the scent, the security.

"I don't think there’s a good answer to this. Honesty is okay."

Alec dropped a kiss to his hairline and his lips stayed there, a simple form of intimacy that he couldn’t help but rejoice in. He felt safe and content here in Alec's arm, an all-encompassing feeling he hadn't felt in a very long time. He couldn't put a finger on it, why was he so affected by Alec, what was it with him that just made him... Happy. He would have been very content with staying like this forever.

"Can I... can I stay over tonight?" Alec asked, hopeful. He was so damn cute Magnus had to twist around so he could kiss him. He was going to agree before his thoughts caught up with him.

"Shit, I wish, but I'm going to Raphael's tonight. Catarina has the evening off so we're having dinner together, with Ragnor too."

"Okay, another time then," Alec answered easily.

Okay so Magnus was very, very comfortable. He was filled with joy, elated, warm, and Alec was the cutest thing ever. So yeah, he really couldn't be held accountable for what words came past his lips next.

"Would you like to come?"

"What?"

"What?"

That was someone else talking. That wasn't him. That certainly wasn't his idea, because that idea was the worst idea in the history of the entire universe.

Okay, so maybe it was his.

Magnus wasn't a coward, or a liar, or a dick, so once it was out there, he couldn't just take it back. So he steeled himself and tried to look like he was sure about this.

"Yeah, why not? You could meet the gang. They're certainly waiting to meet you."

They had sat back up on the couch to face each other, and it was quite clear Alec was about as taken with the idea as Magnus himself was. He wasn’t meeting his eyes and was worrying his lips, the perfect picture of someone who really wanted to say no to something.

"I... Are you sure this is a good idea?"

"Yeah?"

Magnus cursed himself for sounding so uncertain. He was the one to have brought it up in the first place.

"Okay listen. I'm not that sure either, but truth is I would like you to know them, and them you. You can say no, okay? It can wait. But... yeah. We can do that."

"Is Simon gonna be there?"

"I think so, yeah. He's always hanging out at Raphael's apartment lately. I don't get why they don't just move in together."

Alec didn't answer. Magnus supposed the subject was still a bit touchy, seeing that he didn't know one of his oldest friends was going out with another guy for more than a year. It was bit weird alright.

"Okay."

He seemed so unconvinced that Magnus wasn't sure he had heard it right.

"Really?"

"Yeah... yeah, let's do this. How bad could it be?"

Magnus didn't feel like addressing this particular question, so he just shrugged and kissed Alec for good measure. He fired a quick message to his friends’ group chat, letting them know that he would have a plus one for the evening.

_Catrina – That’s great, I'm looking forward to meeting him_

_Raphael – and of course you tell me that just now. did it occur to you i had already set things up? wanker_

_Ragnor – Great, I was having a shitty day anyway._

_Catarina – I swear guys if you don't behave i will make you regret it._

**_Magnus – and Ragnor ur always having a shitty day and i think it has more to do with you that the rest of the world_ **

_Ragnor – and what makes you say that?_

**_Magnus – ur the only constant in ur own life?_ **

_Ragnor – I don’t understand your teenage speech._

_Raphael – i only have five empenadas_

**_Magnus – get ur ass to a fcking store. or better, tell stefan not to come._ **

_Catarina – Stop being dicks, all of you._

**_Magnus – i won't bring him if its such a terrible thing_ **

_Catarina – we're only joking Magnus_

_Ragnor – Are we though?_

**_Magnus – are they though?_ **

_Catarina – I so want to murder you sometimes_

_Raphael – Who? Be more specific_

_Catrina – I'm out. I can't believe I spent my break like this_

**_Magnus – you love us though!_ **

**_Magnus – right?_ **

**_Magnus – Cat?_ **

_Ragnor – She's not a liar at least_

_Raphael – see you and your boy tonight_

**_Magnus – same to u_ **

_Ragnor – Oh joy._

**_Magnus – shut up._ **

That didn't ease Magnus's nerve at all.

"What did they say?" Alec's asked, making great effort not to peer at Magnus's phone above his shoulder. Seeing the conversation it was in his interest really.

"No problem. We're doing this," Magnus said brightly. Alec answered to his smile as he usually did. It would all be fine.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Alec will have to face the horde next time. They won't be kind to him I'm afraid... Please comment if you're enjoying this, and I'll see you soon!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec meets the gang and some siblings issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are happening, yay. We're getting closer to a big thing (I don't dare say plot point because there's no real plot going on here) but it's been written for a while and I itch to get it out there. I'm just stuck two chapters down because it's sex again and it's the worst thing to write for me. Usually I write everything in one go, maybe 1000 words a time, but for sex I write one line and I'm like "okay let's go on to the next scene..."
> 
> ANYWAY who cares this chapter is a bit longer than usual. I hope you'll like it. Enjoy!

_[Please help me, im gonna die]_

**[Stop being so fcking dramatic. They ur boyfriends friends, not killer aliens]**

Easy to say for Izzy. Haha. Easy for Izzy. Izzy for her, she wasn't the one about to be thrown alone in a room full of very protective and potentially hostile strangers. Magnus looked relaxed, but then again Alec suspected he always did. He didn't know if it was supposed to be a big deal, meeting Magnus's closest friends like that. It didn't matter - he was as nervous as if he was going to ask his parents for their son's hand.

Which was the most ridiculous things he had thought all day, but also, unfortunately, very true.

He parked the bike in front of Raphael's building. He couldn't help but remember the last time they'd been there together. When they weren't _together_ together. Had he known he would find himself here again, he would have tried to make a better impression on Raphael, and Ragnor too, now that he thought about it. They hadn't made the best impression on him but it didn’t matter yeah? He was the one who had to prove himself or something. This was terrifying.

"Ready?" Magnus asked before they entered the lobby. He laced their fingers together, a wise move – that way he could hold Alec back if he tried to make a break for it and run away.

They took the stairs to the third floor hand in hand, even if they looked a bit silly. Maybe Magnus felt Alec needed the moral support. Maybe he even needed it himself. Magnus wasn't close to his family, he saw them less than he saw his friends, they were the ones who knew about his life, who he went to for advice and support and comfort. They were practically family to him.

Oh Angels, he was meeting Magnus's family.

He didn't have the courage to let go of Magnus's hand so that he could wipe his clammy hands on his old jeans. Should he have worn something better? It was his darkest and least used up pair, but still, compared to Magnus's ever flawless look, he looked like a potato sack. He could have least put a shirt on instead of black t-shirt #14.

Manus rung the bell, and as soon as the door opened, he let go of Alec's hand to hug his friends warmly, which felt like a terrible foreshadowing of how this night was going to be.

They left their jackets in the entrance and moved to the living room. Magnus introduced him properly, even if Catarina was the only person in the room he didn't know. Simon waved at him with an encouraging smile, and maybe he would be an ally in this – in all probability he had gone through something similar.

"So, this is the famous community service guy," Ragnor said by way of a greeting. Okay. Okay, that... was true? Everybody laughed, so he followed suit.

"Alec. Nice to meet you."

"And you. We've heard so much about you."

He didn't know why, but that didn’t sound as nice as it could have. In fact it didn't sound nice at all – Alec was left wondering in what extent exactly Magnus had talk to them about him.

It was completely surreal to him, what was happening right now. Never had he ever been introduce to anyone as someone’s boyfriend, and he had no idea what he was doing. It helped a little that those were strangers, funnily enough. Just the thought of doing it someday with his own friends made him nauseous.

He managed to sit between Magnus and Simon at dinner, which was a small victory, even if it meant he had Raphael right in front of him with a very creepy smile and a creepy stare. He tried hard to reconcile the pictures he had of Simon in a relationship and that guy in a relationship. Nothing added up, but it helped to occupy his mind. He'd have to thank Simon later.

For that, and for the fact that his friend was valiantly trying to save him from being despised to death by Magnus's best friends.

To be honest, Alec was used to sarcastic-to-the-point-they-were-rude people. Most of Jace's friends were like that, brash and merciless, with that habit he hated to joke about things they had no place to joke about, but they usually stopped if he answered back. He couldn’t do that now though. He couldn't care less about Jace’s friends thinking he was a killjoy bitch – and he quoted – but these weren't Jace's dumb friends. These were Magnus's maybe-dumb-friends and it didn’t matter how dumb they were or weren't. He had to make a good impression on them.

So the meal went on and he tried his best to answer their questions like they weren't invasive or frankly rude. He didn’t know if it was him who was taking things the wrong way – judging by Magnus's reaction there was nothing to get angry about. It was all in good fun. They just didn't have the same sense of humor. That was all.

"I have five younger brothers, I’m bound to get protective," Raphael answered to a jab from Magnus.

Ragnor turned to Alec. "Not as protective as you I reckon."

The smile was friendly, maybe, and he didn't look insulting, and Magnus and Raphael chuckled, so Alec said nothing again, even if he really wanted to. He didn't know what he would say, but something. Something about the fact that his siblings were a sore subject for him, especially with strangers, and he didn't feel like joking about it. Something to Magnus, about telling things like that to his friends, something to defend himself, because he wasn't like that. He couldn't though. He thought he saw Catarina frown and smile apologetically at him. But why, if Magnus didn’t? Should he get offended? Was it normal or not? He wasn’t about to cause a scene if it was all in good humor. He wasn't about to cause a scene, period. He could count on one hand (and still have fingers left) the number of times he had willingly caused a scene in his life, and this sure wasn't a setting where he would raise that number.

At some point he simply started ignoring them and got engrossed in an old Stargate SG1 vs Stargate Atlantis debate with Simon, except he could just name Jason Momoa as an argument. Simon had asked no questions about him and Magnus, about him being gay, about anything. Usually he was grateful for his discretion, but this time he almost wished Simon would ask. He wanted to talk about it, but there was no way he would be able to broach the subject on his own.

The food was good, at least. He understood that Raphael was a skilled cook, and loved it, but with his demanding job he didn't have the time to indulge as much as he could, so he took the opportunity of having friends at dinner to spoil them. It reminded him of the feast they had in his mother’s family for the holidays, back when they still went there. Empanadas, gazpacho, albondigas. It was delicious. He said as much to Raphael.

That earned him the first genuine smile of the evening.

"Thanks. It's my mother's recipes. She taught me."

"I always figured I would learn from my mom eventually, but..."

He trailed off, cursing himself for wandering in unwanted territory.

"Guess we never took the time," he finished lamely. It was something they had done, once upon a time. Pile up in their small kitchen, Maryse and all her children, to bake churros and cook enough paella for half the neighborhood.

"It's my luck that Raphael's good at this cause I'm rubbish. I’ve thrown out more dishes than I've made edible in my lifetime,” Simon said without missing a beat, and this seemed to be notoriously known because everyone agreed around the table and went to talk about his most famous kitchen fails. But Alec didn't miss the knowing smile on Simon’s face - it was for his sake. He knew exactly the reason why his mother wouldn't teach him anything anytime soon. Knew all about their family situation.

Has known them, when Max was alive. He wondered how he saw them. The contrast, between before and after, wondered how he remembered those times, what he thought of them. If he judged them for how badly they handled his death, the mess they still were five years later.

It was pointless to think about it, and unfair on him – Simon had been there for Izzy at least, she hadn’t been alone, thanks to him.

Things went a little bit better after that, but when the dinner came to an end he couldn't wait to get out of there. He had never been good at making friends, so with uncooperative people it was a lost cause. He jumped on the occasion to escape the dining table when Simon started to clean the table. He followed him to the kitchen – not very far from the living room unfortunately, so not terribly more private, but at least no one was looking at him there, so it was an improvement.

"That went well," Simon commented while loading the dishwasher. Alec recognized an opening when he heard one.

"Did it?" he asked tentatively. Simon smiled, but it was a little tight.

"I know they can be difficult, but I swear they mean no harm."

"Was it the same for you?"

"Ah, not quite. They were a bit, but uh... I think it has more to do with Magnus. He seems to be... unlucky? In love? So they're acting like guard dogs."

"Oh. I see."

It wasn't very pleasant to learn they were seeing him as a threat without even knowing him. But in the end it didn't really matter. If that’s what it was, it would resolve itself eventually. He had no intention of doing anything to hurt Magnus, so they would have to get off his back. For the time being he could handle a few jabs.

Reassured into this new resolution, he went back to the living room and sat down next to Magnus. The man smiled at him and took his hand, probably glad the evening had gone well. He wasn’t about to contradict him.

They left shortly after. Magnus was in a very good mood. He didn't let go of Alec's hand until he absolutely had to, to climb up on his bike and positively snuggled him the whole ride back to his apartment. He didn't let him go until they were making out under the stairs in the lobby.

"That went better than I expected," Magnus let out breathlessly between two kisses. Alec stared at him with undisguised horror – what exactly had he been expecting then? Magnus shrugged, apologetic.

"They were pretty normal. I feared they would go all "police investigation" on you. Or "mafia questioning" for that matter..."

He laughed, and Alec tried to follow, even if the joke was lost on him.

"Why take me then?" he couldn't help but ask. Magnus sobered up a little.

"I told you, I wanted you to meet them. And them you. Don't worry, I wouldn't have let them mistreat you."

Too bad they didn't really have the same definition of "mistreating". But Alec could take care of himself.

"Hey. I know they can seem unfriendly, but they'll warm up to you. They're only looking out for me," Magnus said gently, appeasing. He cupped Alec’s face to make sure their eyes were meeting and Alec leant into him, he couldn't fight it. He had a thing for Magnus’s hands. They were always warm, firm but gentle, assured in their touch, in their intent.

"Do you want to come up?" Magnus asked against his lips. Alec was pressed between the wall and his boyfriend and it made it hard to focus, but he managed to shake his head negatively, albeit weakly.

"Can't. I'm seeing Lydia to work on our project tomorrow. We... We're meeting at 9 at school, and I still have my part of the work to do tonight."

"So very serious," Magnus teased. If Alec was being honest, he would also admit that the evening hadn't really put him in the mood, but Magnus's hands traveling slowly on his sides were able to turn his mood very quickly.

“I should really…" A kiss. "Really…" A kiss. "Really go."

They kissed, again. Why was it so hard to let go? He always wanted to touch Magnus when he was near him (and when he wasn't) and when he did he never wanted to stop.

They parted, eventually. Alec was half tempted to screw it and go up with Magnus anyway, but he couldn't do that to Lydia – he had to finish that plan for the next morning, there was no way around it. That was the sole disadvantage of working with others – your schedule wasn't your own. Well, it was a problem for people like him who weren't capable of not doing their share. He had had working partners who couldn't care less.

"I'll see you soon.”

"Tomorrow?”

Alec smiled. Magnus sounded so eager, it was very ego-boosting.

"For dinner maybe? I'll let you know."

"Good."

Magnus dropped a last kiss to his lips before releasing him. Angels, they were completely ridiculous. Had he been departing for war they wouldn't have been more reluctant to let go.

Maybe that's what love felt like, came the very inappropriate thought to his mind. Alec crushed it down immediately - he wasn't about to address that.

.

"I feel like my eyes are going to fall out."

Lydia laughed before following Alec's example and reclining in her chairs, half closing the lid of their computer so that they couldn't see their dreadful project for a few minutes.

"Study architecture they said. All fun and draw they said." They giggled, trying not to make too much sound in the already loud and crowded main working room.

"I really hate it here," Lydia said quietly, eyeing with distaste the next table, covered with bits and pieces of a will-be model that, with the current level of chatting of the group, wouldn't be done any time soon. He knew how it was – you kept your head down on your work for hours but as soon as you raised it and got distracted, it was the end of it.

"Let's call it a day yeah? We're on time, we can finish that up on Wednesday." Alec suggested, hoping she would agree.

"Yeah, alright. I'm sick of it anyway."

"I'll touch up the global plan ‘til then."

"And I'll work on the urban section," she added. They started packing up their things.

"Deal. And I was thinking... maybe we could work at my place. My parent’s home I mean. I think you don't live too far. There is plenty of room, it would be way calmer."

"Your parents won't mind?"

"No, don't worry."

"Okay, good idea. Text me your address?"

"I can come pick you up if you want."

"Don’t worry, I have a car. I'll see you then. Bye!"

It was barely six, Alec noticed happily when he checked his phone. Plenty of time to go back home to leave his stuff and have dinner at Magnus’s place.

.

An hour and a half later, Magnus was half-naked and straddling Alec's lap on his couch. Alec's mind was running a mile a minute, but it wasn’t producing any coherent thought, except for a compulsion to shed more clothes and touch more skin. He hadn't known how badly he wanted to put his hands on Magnus again until he'd seen him open the door to his loft, shirt half open and smiling like he'd been waiting to see him all day. They hadn't even say hello - it wasn't very polite - but well, Magnus didn't seem to complain.

"Bedroom?" Magnus asked in a whisper that Alec almost missed. He wasn’t thinking straight - not that he ever was, haha - so he answered without thinking.

"No."

He regretted it immediately, seeing the questioning look on Magnus’s face, but the man made no further comment and focused back on the task at hand - literally. He was working them in earnest, expert hands between their bodies, and Alec wondered if there was truly a technique to learn, to get someone off that easily. Then again, it also had something to do with the fact that Magnus was the most beautiful person in the entire world - or so it seemed to Alec, and he would fight anyone who would deny it - and that he seemed to want him very specifically. How awesome was that.

What wasn’t awesome at all was coming pretty much without warning all over Magnus’s hands when the man bit down on his neck just below his jaw. At least Alec was easy to please, he supposed – he could make no secret of what got to him. Magnus looked so smug, so damn pleased with himself, Alec just had to get revenge – he put his own hands to work, confident in something he at least had a good hang of. It was a sloppy hand job, but it did the trick – after a few minutes they were both looking blissed out and having made a mess of themselves. Magnus collapsed on him, crushing Alec against the couch. It was pretty gross, but Alec reasoned they could have been drenched in goo and he wouldn't have wanted to move an inch. Magnus was nuzzling his neck gently, perfectly at his place on top of Alec, gathered in his arms.  What more could there be to life, he wondered.

"Hello," Magnus said with a childish laugh. Alec followed suit.

"Sorry, yeah. Hi."

"I don't mind you greeting me like that, but maybe keep it for when we're alone, not sure how it would go in public."

Alec rolled his eyes and tried to fight off a charmed smile, even if it was of no use since Magnus was still hidden in his neck.

"You're ridiculous."

"No, you're ridiculous."

"No, you’re ridiculous"

It could go on for a while so Alec didn't answer. Besides, Magnus's laugh was tickling his neck, so he had to focus on not shaking too hard and give out his weakness. No doubt Magnus would use it to his advantage.

"You're hungry?"

Magnus laughed at his eager nod. "Why do I even ask. Let's have something. After washing our hands though," he added with a teasing voice. Alec hated himself a little for blushing. For some reasons words embarrassed him more than actions most of the time. Not that he couldn’t get plenty embarrassed by actions too, like Magnus calmly fixing their boxers and pants, always with that pleased little smile, always satisfied with himself.

“You're ridiculous," he whispered again. Magnus kissed him for his troubles.

.

"Do you want to stay the night?"

They were in the middle of the incredibly difficult task of adding tomato sauce to the alarming amount of pasta Magnus had cooked. Alec hesitated, as he always did. It was stupid, but he still had that old reflex of having his boyfriend out of the door before his family would be home, or being himself smuggled out in order to avoid discovery. Staying the entire night was almost bold, for him. And that meant Magnus’s bedroom and Magnus bed.

Now, it was truly ridiculous to be so impressed by a piece of furniture, and he wouldn’t let it intimidate him. Before he could answer though, Alec's phone rung loudly, effectively cutting him short. He hurried on to answer – it was Izzy, and his phone notified him that he had missed two of her calls already.

"Hey sis, everything alright?"

"Not really."

In two words Magnus was forgotten. Alec straightened up, focused entirely on his sister's voice. She sounded nervous, strained.

"What is it girl, what’s wrong?"

"I... I'm at this party. At Maureen's. And I... I didn't know she was friends with him."

"Who?"

"He's here. I'm hiding in the bathroom. I need to leave this place. Please, please come get me. I can't run into him Alec. I can't face him. Please"

Her voice broke and Alec had to close his eyes and breathe a couple of times. He always felt the most vulnerable when she was crying, when she was sad. When he was younger it was his mission in life to prevent that from ever happening, but he had had to come to term with the fact that it was, in fact, impossible.

“I'm coming right now Izzy, I swear. Stay where you are, don’t go out, and text me the address. I'll call you as soon as I'm here. It's gonna be alright, I promise."

He hung up and only then remembered where he was and with who.

"I... I’m sorry. I have to go. Izzy... she needs me."

"Of course. Go, hurry."

"I'll call you."

He kissed him quickly, twice, and was on his bike a second later, racing through the streets, worried sick and trying to go as fast as possible.

He didn't know if Izzy had run into him before. It was likely, but she had never mentioned it. He didn't want to think about it, how it would feel to her, what she would do. He parked in front of a house with dozens of people with cups and drinks spilling on the front lawn. They were talking loudly, laughing and shouting, and Alec couldn't bring himself to look at them. What if he saw him, what would he do then? And why were they so happy, all those people? Didn't they know that his little sister was crying alone in the bathroom, because a man among them had no love nor respect for his girlfriend, for women, for anyone?

He took out his phone to warn Izzy that he had arrived, but froze when he saw the text that was waiting for him.

**[its fine, Jace got here first. we home]**

Alec stared at the screen, willing its content to change, to no use. It was a nightmare. Why had she called Jace? That was the worst possible idea. He looked around him, like the people around him could tell him what had happen, had there been a fight, how bad had it been. If he dreaded imagining Izzy coming face to face with her ex-boyfriend, Jace confronting him couldn’t even think about it.

_[I'm on my way]_

Soon enough he was back at home. He passed his mother in the kitchen, making an effort to exchange some small talks and inquire as to where Jace and Izzy were. She pointed to Izzy's room, commenting that she seemed rather unwell. She seemed to think it was because she had had too much to drink, and that was why Jace had come  get her. He didn't know how much she believed it to be true. He always had the impression that she was playing the ignorant game for their sake. Sometimes she would look at him, as if she was begging him to say something, to confide, or as if she wanted to talk herself, but it always passed. He always stayed quiet and she did too. They didn't know how to talk to each other, no matter how much they wanted to. Out of the tree of them, he had always been the closest to her, but his siblings always came first, it was them against the adults, even now.

If he wasn't so worried about Jace and Izzy, maybe he would have sit down with her. Have a cup of tea too, talk to her about his day, about what was going on in his life, and hers. But most of his life was secret to her, and maybe hers was too - she had spent an awful lot of nights out lately, and she seemed more relaxed, something he knew wasn’t his father's doing at all.

So instead he left the kitchen, ignoring the hopeful expression on her face, and swore to himself, he would, next time. He would.

He found Izzy curled around a cup of cocoa on her bed. Jace was sitting at the foot, and they were talking quietly, hunched towards each other. He hated to intrude, but he had to know. He knocked gently on her door to make his presence known.

"Hey Alec! Sorry to have you run around for me," Izzy said. Her smile was soft but her eyes distant - she needed comfort.

"Don't think about it. What... what happened?"

He tried to access Jace as discreetly as possible, but he couldn't find any trace that he had been in a fight. Jace noticed, of course, Izzy too. Alec would be the worst spy ever.

"We couldn’t reach you at first so Clary called Jace. He was close by, he came to get me," Izzy supplied with a gentle smile to the youngest of her brother who smiled back with some hesitance. Alec wanted to ask, and didn't. Izzy seemed to sense it.

"It went fine. In and out. No incident, nothing. I swear."

They had hidden things from him before, but he believed her this time, and not only because he desperately wanted to, but it truly was, well, believable. Jace wouldn’t meet his gaze, but he supposed it had more to do with residual shame, and the fact that maybe he didn't want to see distrust on his brother’s face.

So Alec used his usual tactic in this kind of situation – deflection.

"You're telling me that I left my boyfriend’s couch for nothing?"

That had always been Alec special talent. It wasn't always a good thing, for sometimes they should have talked and not change the subject, but it always worked wonders. All at once their minds were taking off difficult matters, allowed to focus on lighter things. And Jace and Izzy could play this game very well. Izzy laughed.

"I knew it! I knew you weren't working you little depraved boy! Whatever happened to your good education?"

"But what can I do? I love him mother, my heart calls for him. We will not be parted!"

"That is enough young man. You will do as you're told and marry a proper young lady to carry on the family name," Jace stepped in with his best impression of their grandfather's voice.

"Please, please at least agree to meet him. He will charm you I'm sure!"

Jace's laughed dried up, his face turning mischievous. Alec realized too late his mistake.

"Do you mean that?" Izzy asked with a careful voice, but she was already taken with the idea.

“I... I don' know. Maybe? I think so. Yeah. Yeah, I'd like you to meet him."

They stared at each other. This seemed important somehow, some kind of truce, a small step but a step nonetheless.

"Not... Not too soon but... Soon enough. It's... I really like him. And I hope it'll last. And I'd like you to like him too."

He wasn't too worried about that. Izzy and Magnus would get along like a house on fire, enough to make him jealous he was sure. Jace would take more time to warm up to him, but he was confident they would both make an effort in that sense

"Well, let's set a date then. But I won't take care of the table plan."

They laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll come to regret that Alec x) I hope I managed not to have Magnus's friends be complete jerk but be a little still. It's hard to convey that feeling when you can't really tell if you're being made fun of for real or for the joke, and if it should matter or not. Personnally I think that joke or not, if the other person is uncomfortable, well they are. But Alec doesn't want to be affected and to call it out, something I get to. Have I mentionned before how similar we are? 
> 
> Thanks again to all of you who commented this, pleas keep (or start) doing so if you like what you read! Next chapter Magnus will get his share of troubles too at work.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus faces problems at work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Introducing the resident asshole of the place. There won't be any over achieving plot with him though. He's just a terrible man like there are so many in the world, and especially in the workplace... Actually he's directly inspired from one of my mother's coworkers. Yeah, it sucks. 
> 
> WARNING for implied of homophobia, sexism and racism.
> 
> Thanks to NightChanger for the beta, enjoy!

Work picked up pace for both Magnus and Alec. After their interrupted evening, they didn't see each other the whole week. They made do with texts – after one memorable phone call that had seen a four-minute conversation filled with less than fifty words, they had agreed that it would never be their preferred way of communication. Alec wasn't an avid texter, most of the time he took a few hours to answer, if not a whole day.

Magnus wasn't missing him, at all.

He was far too busy anyway. The preliminary project they had presented the week before had been approved, and now they had to get a definite proposition to the client in under a week. A fucking week for full proofs and at least three different variations. Will and Tessa were becoming unbearable, as always when they didn’t' see enough of their children. Leaving home before dawn and coming back after ten would do that to your family life. A good thing Jem was between tours, although he couldn't be happy about this either. Even Elias was beginning to get cranky, and that was telling in itself, seeing that he was the personification of over-the-top optimism. It took a lot to get him down.

So if Elias was cranky, Magnus was beyond obnoxious. He had elected to work in a focus room alone so that he wouldn't snap constantly at everyone and cause an assassination attempt - on him or by him, that's what he was trying not to find out.

Magnus could easily get caught up in his own work, and he always had headphones on when he was alone, which is why Tessa had to wriggle her fingers in front of his eyes to get his attention, making him jump out of his seat in the process.

"You scared the crap out of me."

"At least this noise-cancelling thing is not a lie. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone."

"You're too kind. What is it?"

"Nix is calling a meeting."

Magnus followed her, as curious as she was. Aldous Nix was their aging boss, and though he was nice and fair, and a pretty good deal as far as bosses went, he was also a little... well, eccentric was the nicest way to put it. Magnus wasn't sure what he did at the firm exactly, Malcolm was the one who ran things around the floor, unofficially. Well, maybe he was finally being made their official babysitter. That would be nice.

His guess was wrong, because Malcolm was among those standing around the common room waiting for Nix's announcement, and he didn’t look happy at all. They walked toward him, joined by Will and Elias. Their coworkers were gossiping around, trying to guess what was happening.

"Hey Malcolm. Do you know what's up?"

"New leadership," the man answered curtly with an angry turn to his lips. Magnus exchanged puzzled look with his friends - that didn't foretell anything good.

"Can I have your attention please?" Nix called from the center of the room, effectively shutting up conversation. A tall, handsome and smartly dressed man was standing beside him with a satisfied smile, eyeing the people around him with calculated interest. They had never seen him before.

“Please, everyone. I would like to introduce you to someone. As you know our activities have picked up lately and we’ve been getting more and more contracts. I decided to hire new people to run the department more smoothly. Please welcome Valentine Morgenstern as our new vice-director.”

The news was welcomed with polite applause and quiet disbelief. Nix had never granted position of powers to outsiders – they had all climbed up the ladder in the firm, been formed here by their predecessors.

The guy made a speech where he requested everyone to basically give accounts of what they were doing and how. Magnus disliked him pretty quickly. He looked convinced of his won worth, and that it was obviously higher than everyone around him.

If he was anything like Magnus thought he was – he recognized the type – this didn’t mean anything good for their future job conditions.

They decided to introduce themselves properly, it wouldn’t hurt to play nice. They all shook his hand, but only Will caught his attention. Actually he was the only one the man addressed while they stood awkwardly at his side.

"Will Herondale, right, your team is on the Lexton files, right? I'd like you to fill me in."

Will glanced at them, uncomfortable.

"Excuse me but it's not... my team. We don't really use team leader for our small project group, it's pretty linear."

"Oh. Sorry, I just assumed..."

The man looked pointedly at each of them, one by one, before going back to Will.

"Never mind. I'll still like you to report to me on your advancement."

"Actually Magnus would be more qualified, he's been here the longest and he's the one who had to deal with the client," Will cut in with a frown. Magnus stepped in, trying to look friendly, or at least not completely hostile.

"I can show you my notes if you're interested," he offered politely. He expected to have his suspicion confirmed, and he wasn't disappointed. He knew the look in the man's eyes, knew very well the way he had to raise an eyebrow just a bit, the barest upturn of lips that spoke volume of his skepticism.

He knew he had good reason to dislike the man.

"Very well then."

He was obviously doubtful. Magnus didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but he had good instincts about this kind of thing. He went to collect his notes and joined the man in his new office – which answered the question as to why one of the biggest working room had been suddenly unavailable due to remodeling work. Magnus wouldn’t have vouched for it, but Morgenstern’s office was maybe bigger than Nix’s.

The man reviewed the file silently while Magnus sat in a comfortable new chair across his desk. He was getting antsy, being ignored and having to stare at the man who was frowning at every page. When he finished and looked back at Magnus, it wasn’t to talk about the case though.

“So, where did you study?” he asked, giving the unpleasant vibe of a job interview.

“Design school,” he answered curtly, getting more and more pissed by the second. If he was right about where this was going…

“In America?”

Bingo.

Not that he was happy about being right. He just acknowledged that his instincts weren’t rusty.

“New York.”

His lips were set into a thin line and he knew he had to tread carefully. Magnus didn’t get vice president feeling from this guy – he was clearly here to take over. He knew Nix cared little about them and their department, and as long as he stayed on top he probably didn’t mind giving control to whoever the board had wanted to put there. There would be no help coming from here. From his experience, there would be no help at all, from anywhere.

The man smiled a sweet, condescending smile, like they shared a secret. Like he was saying “I know it’s not true, but it’ll stay between us, cause I’m a nice guy like that.”

Oh how Magnus knew his type.

“Would that be all?” he managed to ask through gritted teeth anxious to get the hell out of there. Morgenstern nodded curtly, and Magnus was off, barely reminding to take his notes back. He went straight to their team’s usual room, where the others were waiting for him. Malcolm was there too.

“So? How did it go? What is he like?” Elias asked, but it wasn’t in his usual five-years old curiosity way. He looked anxious.

“I’m sorry he mistook me for the boss or something,“ Will said apologetically, ‘I don’t know why he assumed…”

“I do,” Magnus sighed. Elias had caught up on it, Tessa too. No doubt that Malcolm, Jewish as he was, had too. Only Will remained clueless, which wasn’t surprising. He wasn’t concerned by this, not really.

“Why?”

“Well, he saw a woman, an Asian and a black guy. He went for the white one.”

Will looked comically puzzled. The others did not.

“What? But…”

“I think we’re going to have to be very careful around this one,” Magnus said lightly, even if he wasn’t in the mood for joking, at all. He turned to Malcolm.”

“Where the hell does he come from anyway?”

“Mother house. They’re under restructuration, from what I understand. All the departments are under review.”

“We have no problem of efficiency though.”

“No. But of political line, maybe we have, to their taste.”

That didn’t predict anything good.

.

“Will your friend stay for dinner?”

Alec stared at this mother like she had just told him she had found him a good wife. He had come out of his room to fetch some snacks and drink for Lydia and him – they had been working nonstop for hours in his room. He didn’t expect to be ambushed by his mother like that.

“Huh, I don’t think so.”

“You can ask her. I don’t mind.”

He frowned. She was smiling, encouraging, and he couldn’t see why. She had never card much about his friends, or lack of thereof, and she had certainly never wanted to get to know any of them better.

But if she was trying to, he wasn’t about to deny her. Maybe she saw that as a once in a lifetime opportunity, seeing that he never invited anyone home.

“Yeah okay, I’ll… I’ll ask.”

She seemed strangely pleased about that, and Alec went back to his room very puzzled, enough that Lydia felt the need to ask him if he was okay.

“Yeah, I just… Do you want to stay for dinner? My mom asked.”

At least she looked a surprised as he was.

“Isn’t that a little weird?”

“Yeah, I guess. I don’t know why she asked all of the sudden. You don’t have to.”

She thought about it for a minute before shrugging.

“If it means we can wrap up today and not work on that again tomorrow, it’s fine by me.”

“Cool.”

He went to tell his mother. She looked very pleased, but he gave up on figuring out why exactly. Dinner was traditionally more awkward the more people around the table, and the rule worked for guests too. As luck would have it, they were all there that night, meaning that the sixth chair, the one they took great care not to look at, was occupied by Lydia that night. That put the whole family in a quiet and subdued mood, and Alec felt terrible for his friend who had to sit through that. The only positive effect was probably that it prevented his mother from suffocating her with questions about her life, and most importantly, his. It was a vicious circle - they never talk about their life and rarely brought people over, so when they did their guests were attacked by their mother, so they brought even less people and she attacked the few remaining even more, etc etc. Nowadays the only person who came outside of the five of them was Clary, and their mother had run out of question to ask her a long time ago.

Lydia seemed to get along fine with Izzy, at least. It was a bit of a surprise cause she was very different from the people Izzy usually hung out with but it made sense, in a way. They were both fierce and active, knowing they were beautiful and having decided to own it so that they wouldn't fall victim to it. Izzy invited her to attend her self-defense class, and Lydia easily agreed. She had some experience already. Alec noticed with some amusement that they could probably take him in a fight. They resolved to put the theory to the test someday. Even Jace was courteous, something he didn't always bother to be when meeting his sibling's friends. Maia disliked him well enough and they had only met a couple of times, but he just had a talent to get under people's skin. He played nice with Lydia though. He was in a better mood lately, nicer too. When she asked about his job and life he answered simply, and even asked about hers in return.

Their mother said nothing, but she watched them carefully, most likely sorting every bit of information away. That was her back up plan when she knew direct questions would lead her nowhere. He smiled encouragingly at her, hoping to make her feel like he didn't mind including her in this, as small and trivial as it was. She smiled back, soft and appeased - it was nice.

Lydia stayed a little after dinner, but they didn't go back to work. Izzy joined them in Alec's room and they watched a few episodes of Brooklyn 99 before she called it a night.

His mother came to it after he had seen her to the door.

"She could sleep here you know. I don't mind," she said, like it wasn't obvious.

"It's alright, she has her car, and she doesn’t live too far from here."

"Okay but, another time. There's no problem, at all."

He frowned, a little confused. He didn't really get why she felt the need to tell him that - they were a few years past the necessity to ask one week ahead if their friend could spend the night at the house. He was a little old for slumber parties and pulling all-nighters was something he did when he was in first year - he didn't stress enough to do that anymore.

He wondered if she would be so cool about Magnus staying the night. Well, of course she would. She had no problem with him inviting friends over, apparently. Would she never suspect anything? He could really be objective, but he believed that Magnus was probably labelled as gay, or at least queer, by strangers based on his looks only. Would she see that, or would it fly above her head? And if she did, what would she say? Warn him? Forbid it?

It was no use wondering though. If she ever met Magnus, it would be as his boyfriend. There would be no ambiguity then.

He found that the thought wasn't quite as dreadful as it could have been.

.

Schoolwork and regular work kept interfering and before they knew it September was over. Magnus's instinct had been on spot - their new boss was a class A asshole, plain and simple. Two people had quit in the two weeks he'd been there, and he was confident more would follow.

Magnus went through the day mostly by bitching copiously with his coworkers on the man, and texting Alec nonstop. They teased him mercilessly about it, but he was honestly too content to care very much. If work kept him from going to his boyfriend, his boyfriend would come to his work.

**[Hey, I'm done with my day. I could swing by so we can have lunch together?]**

Quite literally, it appeared.

Magnus was dying to see Alec in person. It would be the first time in more than a week and really, that was no way to live. They were still in that phase were they were all over each other, and it was worse because they didn't see each other that often.

_[k, txt me when you're here!]_

The second thing he wanted the most right now, after seeing Alec, was eating, so it was perfect really. He was in a far better mood suddenly.

Until he got up from his desk to walk toward the elevator. And saw Valentine going the same way.

And saw the elevator's door open on one Alec Lightwood.

Magnus cursed internally. He hadn't considered that Alec would come up, but he knew his way around the building after all. His hopes of getting to him before his boss did died pretty quickly - the man zeroed on the intruder immediately, like he had a creepy all seeing power.

"Can I help you?" Magnus heard him ask politely while he hurried toward them. Valentine looked friendly, but he was effectively blocking Alec's way. Alec was visibly caught off guard - he let out a weak chuckle, words failing him like often in this kind of situation.

"No, thank you I... I'm just waiting for... Magnus!"

It was nice to feel that Alec was happy to see him, although it maybe was due to the current situation. Magnus gave him a reassuring smile and came to stand next to him before locking gaze with Valentine.

"He's here from me, sir."

"And how did he come all the way up here?"

"He used to work here," Magnus offered as an explanation, tone set enough that it was clear he would say no more on the subject. Magnus had expected him to tell them off, to warn them that it wasn't to happen again, that outsiders weren’t allowed on the floor or something, but he didn't. It was worse actually. Valentine just looked at them, one after the other, and specifically at Alec's arm Magnus had automatically snatched. He fought a very old urge to draw his hand back and held the hard gaze of his boss instead. Valentine only smiled and walked away, but there was nothing good in that smile. Magnus pulled Alec towards the exit as fast as he could without looking like he was running away - even if he was.

Alec, bless him, didn't say anything about his odd behavior, until they were sitting in front of two burgers and a high pile of French fries

"Everything okay?" he asked carefully after a few minutes of uneasy silence. Magnus cursed himself and his boss. Here he was, finally able to spend some time with Alec, and he couldn't stop thinking about that man and the way he had looked at them.

"Is that your new superior?" Alec asked then, probably figuring that a direct question would have better chance to be answered. Magnus nodded.

"He's the new lead of the department, and he's..."

What was he, exactly? There had been no outspoken comments or actions, but Magnus was Asian American and bisexual, both visibly so, or so his stepdad said. He was no stranger to prejudice, be it formalized or not.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn’t have come up. I didn't know I would cause you trouble."

But Alec was not he guessed. Why would he? He was successfully closeted, and no foreign origins showed on his face or skin. He wasn't from a favored background but neither were most of the people he had known throughout his life. Magnus was strangely reluctant about sharing his doubts with him. If Alec couldn't see it, Magnus wouldn't be the one to tell him.

"He's just a jerk, don't worry about it."

With that Magnus let Alec pull him inside of their own little world, where everything was nice and lovely and the worst problem they had was not enough ketchup for their fries. He had dealt with assholes like Morgenstern before and in all probability he would again after him. It wasn't worth worrying over it. There was nothing he could do anyway.

"Do you want to go out this weekend?" he asked to change the subject, hoping against all hope that Alec would let go of his schoolwork just for a while. His prayers were answered - Ale nodded eagerly.

"We have our first major correction on Thursday, so we're taking a break afterwards. We could... I have nothing planned the whole weekend. At all."

Alec looked at him pointedly. Magnus grinned.

"Well let's spend it together then," he said simply. Alec's smile was blinding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it. I had troubles with this chapter, I don't know why. Next chapter will have sex, yeeeah. And Alec, you're too naive for your own good my boy, why do you think your mother is so eager to know your female friend with whom you spent time alone better...


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some smut! And a kinda cliffhanger, what a day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I say I was not comfortable writing sex and that it was the hardest for me? Well, what else was there to do than write 2k words of smut? Wtf is wrong with me. But they mostly talk, as always. Please tell me what you think.
> 
> I'm glad because I'm finally able to put things I wrote or thought about a long time ago, mainly the meeting with Camille and the one with the Lightwood siblings, coming soon. I fall into the Black Sails fandom recently so my attention is being redirected, but I'm not leavin you don't worry.
> 
> Enjoy!

Alec was naked on Magnus's bed, and Magnus was naked on Alec's lap.

He would have had trouble retelling what had come before that exactly. Like in a dream, like getting somewhere suddenly and not finding anything wrong with it, but being unable to recall what you were doing there and how you arrived. It surely felt about as nice a dream. He had taken a special kind of pleasure in undressing Magnus slowly, piece after piece, but he hadn't been able not to shy away when he had been down to his briefs only. He couldn't decide what was better, undressing Magnus or having Magnus undress him? Tough choice.

The light was dim but it was nowhere near dark enough that they couldn't see each other perfectly. Alec almost wanted to say something about it, to turn off the lights and hide in the dark, but that required to move and talk, two things he didn't feel like doing right now. He was fascinated by the sight. They were unhurried, relaxed, there was no frantic agitation, no need to speed things up. So Alec just looked. At them both, naked and entangled together, breathless and happy. Alec was beyond aroused, a thing his body made no secret of, but his desire seemed only to fuel Magnus's and ignite his own in return.

They weren't still – Magnus's hips were rolling softly without intent but precise nonetheless. Alec's hands were gripping his hips firmly, more as a thing to hold onto than any kind of a controlling grasp.

"So tell me," Magnus whispered in the air between them, "what do you prefer?"

Alec was still caught up in contemplation and almost missed the question. It took him a moment to make sense of it."

"Wh... what?"

"Preferences? I think now is a good time to talk about it."

Alec looked up at him with disbelief, only to find a shit-eating grin on Magnus's swollen lips.

"You want to talk? Now?" he asked with some difficulties. Magnus was such a tease, he was the worst.

"It's important," he stated, and there was seriousness beneath his playful tone. It was indeed.

"About...?"

"Sex. And what it entails."

"Wh... What is there to discuss?" he asked with genuine curiosity. He had practiced sex more than he had talked about it – had he even ever done that? He recalled brief affairs quickly dealt with, not much thought given to the thing and not much pleasure taken from it.

"A whole lot you'll find. Preferences? Limits? Embarrassing turn-ons and offs?"

Magnus smiled encouragingly and Alec couldn't help but smile back. The regular movement of Magnus's hips, the lazy friction he was keeping going on were distracting, but he knew Magnus enough, he thought, to be sure he would not be swayed from what he had in mind, and have them well, talk.

"Okay. Okay."

He thought about it for a while, wondering what he wanted to answer.

"I'd rather be on top. I think," he admitted.

"Yeah? Have you tried both?"

"Hm. It was never that pleasant, receiving."

"Maybe they didn't know how to do it properly."

"Maybe."

In all probability, yeah, but to him there was more than that.

"I think I like to... give? It's too passive for me otherwise."

Magnus chuckled lightly at that.

"I shall prove you that there is such a thing as active receiving but fair enough. I quite like to be fucked, I admit."

Alec made a face at his choice of words. He didn’t like the expression. It seemed too harsh, too impersonal for something like this. Magnus dropped a light kiss to his lips, like an apology.

"Too much for your chaste ears?"

"Shut up."

It was a power in itself, he thought, to make Magnus laugh. Deserving of being put down on his resume under the "special skills" section. Magnus gave a stronger thrust that had Alec breathed out a short moan. Alec thought maybe he would move to purpose, but instead Magnus slowed down again.

"What else?"

Alec rolled his eyes. He gripped Magnus's hips more firmly, guiding his movements so that they would touch more frankly. For a few moments they lost themselves into the movement, the friction, and the proximity of their entangled bodies. Alec's hand traveled from his thighs to his lower back and then lower still. Magnus welcomed the initiative with a hard kiss.

"I have to say I’m not… There is something I rather enjoy doing. More than, y’know," Alec admitted after a while, grimacing at his own troubles to speak clearly. He was no better than a pre-teen when it came to talking about sex.

"Yeah?" Magnus enquired, thankfully not too mocking.

"Yeah."

Alec pushed Magnus to lie down on the bed. It wasn't as smooth as he had predicted and they needed a bit of adjustment but finally he had Magnus as he wanted him – spread on his back, legs parted, and his head hovering between them, intent clear. He raised his eyes to cross Magnus’s gaze, who rose on his elbows to have good look at him.

"I can't guarantee I'm any good at it but..."

"Alec. You’re about to blow me. You won't find me complaining."

His mouth was inches away from Magnus’s body, why was it that words made him blush more than actions? Magnus was a merciless tease.

Well Alec could be too.

It’s not that he was controlling in bed, not really. But he was more comfortable giving that receiving, no matter the practice, and it extended to most of his life really. He didn’t like to be paid attention to, for people to be focused on him. But he could focus pretty well on another person.

And he was doing a fine job of it, if he trusted the noises out of Magnus's mouth. He had to admit he got off on praises and encouragements, and on clear signs of appreciations, and Magnus had no short amount of it. Alec didn't know if he was just encouraging him or really into it, but for once, he didn't care. Once he got started himself, he could really stop thinking during sex, like he wasn't able to in any other circumstances. It was about action and reaction. He chose to believe that if Magnus sounded happy, then he was, and if he wasn’t, he was willing to play along, and Alec wasn't about to call him out on him.

Besides, he knew for a fact that he wasn't too bad at giving head. He played on his strengths.

Magnus was making an effort not to move too much. His hands were gripping the sheets hard. Alec didn't raise his gaze, but he figured that maybe Magnus was looking at him, at himself, in Alec's mouth. He wondered what his face looked like right now. He was getting more excited by the minute too.

Once again, this unapologetic way of expressing pleasure and content, it was new to him. Magnus had no shame, nothing to hide. He wasn't disgusted by his own needs.

Alec wanted to eat him alive.

He dragged it out as long as he could until Magnus warned him, with a strained voice, that he was close to completion. Alec brought him over the edge with his hands, watching with undisguised fascination his body and face through the whole process, how he closed his eyes in a quiet cry before exhaling loudly, releasing the pressure. His body went boneless.

Alec crawled back up over him until they were face to face, and waited for Magnus to open his eyes again.

"Good?" he asked when he did, and he hoped he hid well enough the doubt in his voice. Magnus rolled his eyes fondly before grabbing his neck to pull him down for a kiss.

Alec took that as a yes.

They kissed, open-mouthed and tongues everywhere, for what felt like an eternity. Magnus's hand pressed between his legs where he was still painfully hard, and seemed irrationally pleased by this.

"Need a hand with that?" he asked, looking proud of his choice of words. Alec pretended to think about it, which earned him a fond smile. He answered in kind, before his smile dissolved into a pleased little moan when Magnus took him in hand. He doubted he would ever be as vocal as his boyfriend, but he would have to tell Magnus sometimes that it still was the loudest he had ever let himself be. It was over in a heartbeat, Magnus clever fingers working him with expert skill all the way through his release. Magnus held him close, and they found themselves closely tangled on his bed, both spent and sweaty, and somehow it felt so good Alec seriously considered never moving ever again. He had his head under Magnus's chin, ear close to his fast beating heart, lost in Magnus's warmth. He felt content with life in general.

"Good?" Magnus asked with a laughing edge to his voice, a clear parroting of Alec's earlier question. He didn't bother to answer, just snuggled closer to his boyfriend. It made Magnus laugh.

"That was great," Magnus commented again, and Alec supposed he was talking about the whole process. He made a noise of agreement before thinking back on what they had just done.

"Next time you can grab my hair," he muttered into Magnus's chest, recalling his hands on the sheets. He felt a questioning noise rumble in Magnus’s chest. He raised his head to meet his gaze.

"I don't like being pushed but... yeah. You can put your hands in my hair."

Magnus ran a hand through the mess on his head as an answer, like he was imagining it. He seemed to like the idea, if the hungry look on his face was anything to go by.

"I'll keep that in mind," he said with a grin. Alec was sleepy and content so of course he had to ruin it with some good old insecurities.

 "Doesn't it bother you that we haven't had... like, real sex?"

Magnus frowned, questioning.

"And what, pray tell, it real sex to you?"

"Well... you know..."

Alec raised an expectant eyebrow. It was pretty obvious, right? But Magnus remained deliberately clueless just to embarrass him. Alec rolled his eyes.

"Come on, you know?'

"I assure you I don't."

"Well, penetrative sex."

One day he would stop being as embarrassed as an eleven years old at the mention of sex. Yeah, one day.

"How straight of you to say," Magnus laughed. Alec made a scandalized look.

"How dare you insult me this way! There is nothing straight in me," he exclaimed, trying hard not to laugh.

"Well maybe there'll be someday," Magnus suggested with a lewd expression.

"Even if you do go out with girls, there will never be nothing straight in you, mister Bane. Especially if you're inside of me."

The atmosphere had suddenly gotten heated again, and Magnus was looking at him like he wanted to devour him whole. They hold eyes for a moment, lost in each other, before a shiver from Magnus reminded them that they were naked and drenched in sweat.

"Shower?" he suggested with a hopeful glint in his eyes. Alec readily agreed. After a stupid amount of time in the bathroom, they were back in bed.

“Do you mind if I sleep naked?” Magnus asked, losing the towel wrapped around his waist. Alec short-circuited – it was still a new sight, and Magnus was so at ease with his body, naked or not, and even a little showy about it, in Alec’s opinion. He wasn’t complaining, but it made it hard to think.

“Do you mind if I don’t?” he answered shyly. Magnus only shrugged and slid under the cover. Alec put boxers on before following – he wasn’t fond of sleeping in the nude, even less so with someone else.

“I’ll change your mind eventually,” Magnus promised with a sleepy voice before brining Alec closer to him. They shuffled for a moment before getting comfortable.

Alec was tired but happy, the kind of exhausted contentment you got after a day well spent. They had had lunch with Catarina and Rafael near the hospital where the woman worked, and it had been more bearable with only Rafael to glare at him from the side. Then Magnus had taken him to an Indian movie festival to see a famous Bollywood movie, and they had spent the rest of the afternoon at his loft trying to learn the choreography from the main musical number. They had ordered Indian food to stick with the theme, and Alec had even managed to pay his part, instead of Magnus inviting him yet again. He couldn’t really afford to pay for both of them, but he would be damned if he let Magnus provide for him, even if he claimed he had the money.

Then they had moved to the bedroom.

It had been an amazing day, and there was no reason the next one wouldn’t be just as good.

“Today was great,” Alec murmured in Magnus’s hair. He was loosely draped over the man’s back, not so close because it was too hot, but still close enough that it felt intimate, special. Magnus hummed in agreement.

.

They spent Sunday morning sleeping in bed, Sunday lunch eating in bed and Sunday afternoon napping in bed and making further exploration of each other’s body. When he went back, home early in the evening Alec felt both tired and over energized, having done nothing at all all day, and extraordinarily content with his life.

He had taken the subway for once, because he didn’t want to leave Giselle outside of Magnus’s building for the entire weekend. Magnus had mocked him gently and promised to make arrangements so that he could park it in the courtyard next time - something that felt stupidly like some kind of commitment.

He arrived at his house to find the garage door open, music blasting from a small speaker on the floor, and Jace covered in engine oil.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he yelled as soon as he was close enough to be heard by his brother, who was lying down under Alec's bike with a key and a rag in hand.

"Alec!" he exclaimed. He got up quickly. He seemed very pleased to see him, given his huge smile. He lowered the volume of his music with greasy fingers so that they could talk without ripping their vocal chords.

"How was your weekend? Good, I warrant," Jace asked with a ridiculous wink. Alec nodded with a smile he hoped wasn't too sappy, but wouldn't let himself be distracted by his initial concerns.

"What are you doing to my bike?" he asked, noticing the few parts that had been disassembled lying around. Jace's own bike was in a similar state.

"They were long overdue a good checkup. Don’t worry, I'll be done tonight, and I did nothing major. Just a little maintenance."

"Were you at it all day?"

"Yeah? Yesterday too. I didn’t know, I had the time, I felt like it."

Alec nodded, a little puzzled. Usually he had to argue for days before Jace would look at his bike. He said that he did enough of that at work not to bother with it at home too and that Alec could take his bike to the garage and give them some work if he needed it. But he also knew Jace did it mostly to be contradictory - he quite liked tinkering with engines, plunge his two hands in any vehicles entrails and taking them apart. So maybe it wasn't so surprising.

"No problem?"

"None at all. You've been treating her well."

"Well, thank you," he said eventually, with sincere gratitude. Checkup could be painfully expensive, they always came up with problem he wasn't aware his bike was having and he was never sure if they were real or fictive and made to extort him of a few hundred bucks more. At least he trusted Jace not to invent anything wrong with Giselle.

He went inside the house and was intercepted by his mother on the way to his room.

"Is Jace coming for dinner?" she asked, sounding annoyed. “He didn't even pause for lunch, he's been holed up in there all day."

"I guess?" Alec answered, trying to convey with minimum sarcasm how unlikely he was to possess this information seeing that he had just arrived and didn't even know dinner was on the way.

But he was in a good mood, and he figured if she were to ask about his weekend right now, maybe he would answer. Maybe he would tell her honestly, what exactly he had been up to and how good it had been, how happy he was. Right now he couldn’t remember why it would be such a bad idea, because how Magnus made him feel was wonderful and he couldn't fathom anyone having anything bad to say or think about it.

But she didn't ask. She shook her head with an exasperated huff and turned back to go into the kitchen, and he almost call her back. Aren't you interested in what I've been doing, he wanted to ask, don't you want to know, aren’t you curious, don't you care? But he didn't of course. He went straight to his room and found himself missing the loft, it's warmth and colors, Magnus's touch everywhere, how safe and welcoming it felt there, how loved.

Izzy was out and their father dined in his office, so it was only Jace and him with their mother. She didn't ask then either, and somehow, for the first time in his life, he felt that it dimmed the event somehow, not being able to share it.

.

Alec was waiting downstairs this time, not willing to get Magnus into trouble, and, Magnus suspected, not looking forward to meet Morgenstern again. Something he could easily get behind – he himself didn’t stroll the corridors so often now that he had a chance of crossing paths with their new delighting boss. The guy made his skin crawl, with his fake smile, fake politeness, fake everything. Maybe he was a robot. That’s how he managed to be systematically in Magnus’s way – tracking program.

Right now Magnus was bracing himself for making the trip toward the elevator. The man’s technic was efficient for sure – a lot of his coworkers had chosen not to go out for lunch break and ate in their office, one occasion less to run into him. That was pitiful, but understandable.

“I’m having lunch with Alec. Be back in an hour or so.”

“You can take longer,” Tessa said sympathetically. They all agreed, like him having a good time way from work could somehow transpire to them by procuration.

He went straight to the elevator trying to avoid people wanting to talk to him to avoid further delay and minimize the time he spent out there. He hated this – he liked his work and until recently he had liked to come here, and he felt like it had been taken from him.

Elevator was in sight. Just a few more steps…

“Magnus!”

Fucking hell.

He resisted the primary instinct to pretend like he hadn’t hear him and just run, but he wasn’t a child, he could handle this. So he plastered a smile on his face and turned toward Morgenstern who had a file in hand and wasn’t even looking at him.

“You’re going out for lunch?”

What do you care.

“Yes.”

“I have a favor to ask you.”

Go fuck yourself.

“Yes?”

“I need you to meet the guys from La Perla. There was a lunch meeting scheduled with the ones in charge of designing their new website but I need them here to finish something. You’re familiar with the brand I think? It shouldn’t be a problem.

With that, Morgenstern handed him the file, all smile and friendliness. Magnus wanted to punch him.

“Well…”

“You’re meeting them at the French pub down the street in twenty minutes. Thank you for doing this.”

And without waiting for an answer, the man just turned and walked away, leaving Magnus seething in front of the elevator, file in hand and murder in mind. He willed himself to remain calm. It was no use getting angry, it wouldn’t change anything. He was curious to know what would possibly hold Malcolm’s team that was so important they couldn’t go to a scheduled business lunch, and resolved to ask him later. For now, he had plan to cancel.

He started texting Alec on the way down, before pausing. Why would he send him away after all? They had plans, and he would be damned if he let that asshole ruin them because he assumed Magnus was at his disposal.

Alec was waiting in front of the building. He picked up on Magnus’s angry look immediately.

“Is there something wrong?” he asked, concerned. Magnus felt better already.

“Some last minutes setbacks. I have to go meet some clients for my boss,” he said through gritted teeth although Alec’s warm hand on his forearm was leeching some of the tension away. The man was better than a sedative.

“Oh. Well, it’s okay, we can meet some other time,” Alec answered, trying and failing adorably not to look too disappointed. That cemented Magnus in his idea.

“No need. You can come.”

It was worth it just to see the look on Alec’s face. Magnus laughed lightly.

“Only if it’s okay with you. It’s pretty informal, just to assert that we’re not forgetting about them.”

“Are you… you sure?”

“I can introduce you as my colleague, if you’d like. Or just a friend. They’ll know it was last minute for me anyway, I’m not gonna hide that. I’m pissed enough as it is.”

Alec seemed conflicted, and Magnus admitted to himself it wasn’t the nicest thing to dump on him, but he just didn’t want to lose yet another occasion for them to spend time together. He thought Alec was going to run in the other direction, but he surprised Magnus by eventually agreeing. He didn’t look so sure, but he assured Magnus it would be fine, and Magnus didn’t insist.

That way he got a rare occasion to show off his boyfriend a little, a secret pleasure of his.

They went to wait in front of the pub. Magnus secured them a table – it was crowded with lunch break, but they came there so often they had acquaintances with the staff, and they arranged them a table in a corner. He had never met the people from La Perla, but the name of the brand rung a bell somehow.

The people were already ten minutes late when his phone rung. He had hope for a brief moment that it was cancellation from their part, but it was just Raphael. He was tempted not to answer – their client would be there one moment or another, and it wouldn't do to be on the phone when he would have to greet them. He wouldn't have answered, really, hadn't it been his friend’s sulking face on the screen. Raphael never called, he didn't like chatting on the phone, and he especially didn't call if he was at work. Worried, Magnus picked up the call.

"Yeah?"

"We are coming your way. I'm sorry that's the only warning I can give you, I didn't know."

"What are you talking about?"

"Your client Magnus. The one you are meeting right now. I’m with them, and Camille is too."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN. It occured to me that this story would maybe stop being the most boring thing in the world if I left you hanging. Well of course nothing terribly terrbile will happen next, but poor Magnus needs a hug. Tahnk you for reading and tell me what you think of hit me up on tumblr, kiss!


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sweet Alec VS Sour Camille

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, I'm not ashamed of that summary. Yes, I'm a little ashamed of how long it's been since the last chapter, especially because I have no excuse at all, I finished it long ago along with the two next chapters, I just didn't send them to my beta. Why? Because. Thanks to her by the way! 
> 
> I probably had more to say but I'm at school in quite the public setting so I should probably get this over with quickly. Enjoy!

The name of the lingerie brand hadn't register, even if he knew she was the main model for their collections. He could have remembered, but he wasn't surprised he hadn't – the wonders of selective memory. 

"Oh shit." 

"I'm sorry." 

"Why the hell is she coming? What does it have to do with her?" 

"Can't you guess, Magnus? She requested you." 

Raphael should have sounded exasperated. He should have been sighing at how dumb Magnus's question was, because it was obvious why she had decided out of the blue to attend a meeting with the graphic design firm that was to work with the visual identity of their website, something that had absolutely nothing to do with her. He should have, but he didn’t. He sounded sympathetic, apologizing, and it was worse. Raphael couldn't be described as empathic, so if even he couldn’t make a dismissive comment about it... 

Magnus wasn't ready. At all. 

He had run into her a few times in the past, but he had always been warned and well prepared. Meaning he had always had ways to avoid interacting with her as much as possible. 

"How many of you are there?" 

"Three, plus me and her.” 

So little people. He couldn't escape, and it was a business meeting. He would have to _talk_. To her.   

To make matters worse, a soft cough at his right reminded him that Alec was right there. Alec, who was looking at him with a worried expression, aware that Magnus was receiving less than pleasant news on the phone. Alec, who would be in contact with Camille in a few minutes. 

This was a nightmare.  

“Listen, I already texted Tessa for back up. She’ll be there soon. Don’t panic." 

"I can't do it." 

"Magnus..." 

"I can't do it. I have Alec with me." 

"Why the hell is he here?" 

"Really? Is that all you have to say you fucker? You dump that on me and you’re going to blame me for having my boyfriend with me?" 

"Don't talk to me like that. It's not my fault." 

"It's no ones god damn fault alright, that doesn’t make it any better." 

"Magnus, calm down." 

"Yeah right, I..." 

"Calm down. We're here." 

The call went out. Magnus cast a panicked look at Alec who was looking equally worried. 

"Camille's coming," is all he managed to say before the door opened on three fashion designers, his angry looking best friend, and Camille Belcourt. 

Magnus had a lot of exes. A lot. Some he still saw, some he was even friendly with. But even those he had no contact with at all, he wouldn't mind meeting again. If they ran into each other at the supermarket or in the park, it wouldn't be a big deal. It would be awkward, probably, but nothing more. He wasn’t a bitter ex. He didn't care. 

Camille was special that way. 

It wasn't the fact that she was his ex, really. Even if she was his longest and most meaningful relationship, that’s not what made it impossible for him to be casually in the same room as her. 

It was the laugh sheletescape whenhehadaskedhertomarryhim. 

Even if she had schooled her expression after that, even if she had tried to explain gently that there was no way she was ever going to marry him, all he could recall was that outburst, that short laugh at the ring and the proposal, like it was a joke, like the idea was entirely ridiculous. That’s why he couldn't move on, that's why he couldn't bear to meet with her. She had laughed. He was so in love with her he wanted them to spend the rest of their life together, and she had _laughed_.  

And she was coming toward him right now, with the same smile as always, sweet and coy, the same easy confidence, the same breathtaking beauty. Raphael was standing back with a horrified but helpless look on his face, looking at Camille moving forward and Magnus frozen to the spot.  

"Magnus dear, it's been so long! How are you?" 

There was a very real possibility she was genuinely wondering. She had moved on pretty much the second they had broken up. The second she had laughed. He didn't know if she ever had feelings for him, or for anyone for that matter. She truly believed he would be able to answer that, like he wasn’t suffocating, like he wasn't seconds away from crying.  

"Who's that? Your new boy?" she asked, pointing at Alec. She was smiling, voice friendly and uncaring, she was reaching to touch him, probably kiss his cheeks with both hand on his shoulders, and he couldn't do it, he couldn't. 

But then he didn't have to, because he could no longer see her. Instead he was facing the broad back of one Alec Lightwood, who had come to stand between Camille and him. 

Magnus blinked, confused. He raised his head to see Camille frowning at him past Alec's shoulders. He was standing tall, back straight and tense even if he looked relaxed. He wasn't threatening, but he stood there, and he was a wall.  

"Step back please," he said with a very calm, measured voice that suffered no contradiction. Camille raised a perfect eyebrow. 

"Excuse me? What are you, his body guard?" 

"For all intents and purposes, and especially to you, yes, I am. Step back please." 

She huffed, unimpressed, and waved a dismissive hand before trying to walk past him, looking at Magnus like the six feet tall man between them wasn't there. Alec wasn't having it though. He shifted on his feet just enough to block her and raised a hand. He didn't touch her, but she instinctively stopped, abashed. 

"Step. Back." 

The look on Camille's face was positively murderous. 

"Magnus, tell him to quit it." 

There was no way Magnus was saying anything at all, seeing that his throat was closed off and he wasn't really sure what was happening exactly. Until Alec turned toward him, his back to Camille who seemed to get even angrier, and he bent toward Magnus, his hands on either side of his face, so that he was all he could see. 

"Do you want to talk to her?" he asked softly, and Magnus was amazed at how he had managed to narrow the world to just that space between the two of them, shielding him completely. Not trusting his voice, he shook his head briefly. 

"Alright." 

Alec stood up but didn't move from his position as a human shield.  

“Magnus!” 

They all turned to see Will and Tessa walk hurriedly in their direction while pretending they were perfectly relaxed and not worried sick. Alec waited for them to reach the group before addressing the designers, ignoring Camille completely.  

"I'm very sorry but Magnus isn't feeling well. I'll take him home, if it's alright with you." 

They nodded dumbly, caught off guard. Alec thanked them with a nod and took Magnus's hand firmly to guide him away. He didn't turn, didn't stop, until they were at a safe distance and out of sight. 

“Are you alright? I’m sorry, maybe I overstepped? That was very rude but you looked… Are you alright?” 

He looked so concerned, like Magnus had just lived something terrible and it was so stupid because it was nothing. He was a fucking adult, it was ridiculous. 

“I’m sorry,” he said instead of answering, because he wasn’t alright and he hated himself for it. “I’m not normally like this. I was caught by surprise.” 

He was aware that he sounded unconvinced and unconvincing. He sighed. 

“It’s just her. I don’t mind exes in general. But since it ended pretty badly it’s a little hard for me to talk to her.” 

Now wasn’t that a massive understatement. Alec wasn’t saying anything and Magnus knew by now that’s how he made him talk. He was determined not to fall for it though. He didn’t want to talk about it. 

“Really, it’s fine. It reminds me of a bad memory, that’s all. It’s nothing.” 

Alec stared, quiet. 

“It’s… it’s nothing.” 

He didn’t want to cry. It was nothing. It was years ago. It didn’t matter. 

“Oh dear.” 

Alec stepped in to wrap him in his arms when he failed to keep back frustrated sobs. Fucking hell. Why was he like this? He should have been over it. He shouldn’t have felt like that. 

“Let’s go” 

He nodded and trailed after Alec like a lost child, to his bike and then to the loft. It warmed him a little to see Alec punch in the code for the building door. He let himself be led to the right floor, through the door and to the couch. Alec settled beside him, a quiet form of support, and Magnus felt like he was still standing between Camille and him, keeping her at bay.  

“She laughed.” 

“What?” 

“She laughed. I bought a ring, took her to a nice restaurant, and back at her place I proposed, and she laughed.” 

Alec took his hand in his, rubbing soothing circles on the skin. Magnus squeezed. 

“It… it fucked me up pretty bad. I had no idea how out of tune we were regarding our relationship. It made me doubt everything. If I was so blind, if she could fool me like this, what was to say it wasn’t the same for my colleagues, for my friends? And the fact that it was laughable for her, the idea of marrying me… I was in love with her. I thought she was too. And it turned out to be a joke. And in my mind at the time it was all my fault. Maybe I just couldn’t be loved. I pulled away from everyone, I… It was bad,” he finished lamely, like it hadn’t been so much worse than that. 

“I’m sorry,” Alec offered.  

"I’m better about it now, but you were right. I’m clearly not over it.” 

“It’s… understandable. You got hurt.” 

“I… healed, I guess. A lot, in fact. If you saw me from five years ago, you wouldn’t recognize me at all.” 

“I… was in a bad place too. Five years ago. You wouldn’t either.” 

Magnus hesitated to ask, sensing maybe a question further wouldn't be well received.  

"I'd like to put it in the Later Box. If you don't mind," Alec added, sheepish.  

"Yeah, alright." 

And Magnus no longer doubted that they would indeed have the occasion to discuss it again. He didn't feel the urge to press him, to get the truth from him when there was still time. No matter his doubts, he wanted to believe they had plenty of time to spare. To wait, to learn. 

“I hope you won’t get into trouble,” Alec muttered after a while, looking displeased with himself. “Maybe I came on too strong? I’m sorry I just reacted.” 

“No. No, I… I would thank you, for that,” Magnus answered. 

“Really?” 

“I guess my boss will hear about it but… I’m glad you stepped in. That you thought it was okay if I stayed away. That is was okay not to face her.” 

He would never have allowed himself to do that. He would have suffered through it, trying not to break. And maybe he would have succeeded. But it wasn’t fair, he didn’t have to. She was a real threat for him, for his mental state, for his wellbeing. As ridiculous as it sounded, she really was, that beautiful woman with lots of friends and good connections, who threw amazing parties and was quite successful. She really, really was. 

“I… Uh, I acted on instinct. I mean… I’ve seen it before. Erm, unwanted confrontation. I played bodyguard a couple of times at Izzy’s self-defense class, when they feared a visit from angry ex boyfriends. It’s… I know when you just can’t face them.” 

It made Magnus fear how he must have looked, for Alec to feel the need to protect him. He was ashamed, but he could recognize it was the right thing to do. He wasn’t able to face her yet. Maybe he never would. 

“Do you want to stay the night?” he asked after a short silence, and was met with easy agreement.  

. 

Alec thought a lot about their encounter with Magnus’s ex over the next few days. He had never considered before, that Magnus, with his easy charm and confidence, could have been a victim of an unequal relationship, the way so many people around him had, girls especially. It was probably very naïve of him, but he simply couldn’t wrap his head around anyone being loved by Magnus and not loving him back. That was enough to put Camille in his bad book, even without accounting for how she had treated him.  

Having never been in love or in any kind of meaningful relationship before, it had always felt a bit foreign to him, break ups and heartbreak, even if the ones he had witnessed countless time had left him with a wariness toward the whole deal. He had never realized, how much power one gave to another person when accepting to be in a relationship, the amount of trust it required and the risks they took. 

He wondered if Magnus was afraid of him sometimes because of it. Maybe Alec himself was blessed, not to have that kind of worries, having never been hurt in this way.  

Then he thought about Lydia, who’s boyfriend had died, and he wondered if she resented him in that kind of way, if she was scared like that too. 

The next time Lydia came over, they worked very little and talked a lot, until after a few hours Izzy waltzed in to suggest they hit the gym together. They agreed easily acknowledging they just wouldn’t get any work done that day.  

It was a Wednesday, so there was a sizable crowd at the ring. Mostly men, but not only, punching bags and listening to the encouraging shout of their trainers. Their mother was in the ring, their father in the office and they never crossed paths. It was almost like a choreographed dance. 

"I'm going to do some punching," he said when the girls came out of the locker room. He had a feeling they were eager to spar against each other and he himself wasn't really in a fighting mood. He rarely was, to be honest. He liked the outlet that boxing was, how he could blow off steams and let go of his emotions with his fists, but he had never been much of a fighter. He was decent, had to be after years of training, but he had never competed and never wanted to, unlike Izzy and Jace.  

He found a bag from where he could see the sparring ground to watch Lydia and Izzy's match. Lydia was fit, impressively so. Actually she was probably too muscular for most of the men here's taste. She must have gotten reactions similar to the ones Izzy usually got, when she shed her clothes – they were far more athletic and muscular than their clothes let on, and a lot of guys didn't like that. To his knowledge, it had always fueled Izzy to push herself even more – she seemed to find some satisfaction in having a body strong, healthy, and still not completely appealing by the common norms of beauty. And of course, she loved to prove all of them how much stronger than them a girl could be.  

As such, she seemed to enjoy herself much more sparring with Lydia than she did when she was training other boys at the gym. Alec knew it also was part of the reason why she had wanted to give women's lesson – so that she could have adversaries that weren't also trying to diminish her or get into her pants. 

Sometimes he agreed with her, men were pigs.  

"Hey Alec!" 

Alec shook out of his thoughts to turn toward Jace. He looked like he had just arrived, and Alec spotted Clary sitting on a bench by the entrance. 

"Hey. Coming to train again?" 

Jace had been coming back to the gym more and more lately, to their mother’s great pleasure.  

"Yeah. I have to make up for lost time. Besides, I have a lot of energy to spend." 

Alec nodded with a smile. It was nice seeing Jace like this. They trained together for a while, but Alec was more tired than he had thought – shockingly enough, he didn’t get much sleep when he spent the night at Magnus’s and it was happening more and more lately – and Jace, on the other hand, was tireless. Eventually Alec called it a day and let Jace go to the ring to spar with the other fighters. He spotted Lydia and Izzy by the lifting machines, talking more than doing any more working out. He could have joined them, but he noticed Clary was still alone on her bench. She had taken out one of those big sketchbooks she always seemed to manage to fit in ridiculously small bags and was drawing absentmindedly. He didn’t know what possessed him to go bother her while his usual tactic around her was to avoid being near her alone at all cost. But since Jace was trying, Alec figured he could too. 

"Hey." 

"Hey." 

She didn't lift her head. Alec glanced at her pages – she had drawn multiple corners of the room, two people fighting, some supplies on the side, the ring. He recognized the girls there, but no sign of him, and most importantly, of Jace. 

"You must be getting tired of being dragged here all the time," he tried awkwardly, at a loss but still wanting to make contact. To his surprise, she immediately stopped drawing and sat up with a sigh, like she had been waiting all day for that particular question. 

"He's been coming almost every day. He doesn't tire at all." 

Her eyes were on Jace on the ring, who was conversing quietly with their old coach Hodge. He waved at them with a smile, and Clary’s was tight when she returned it. 

"It's a good thing. Keeps him from fighting outside. And he seems better.” 

"I don’t know." 

He looked at her with a puzzled gaze. She seemed concerned. 

"What is it?" he asked. She had more insight on Jace than any of them, he was curious to know what she thought. It was about the only thing in the world he was willing to talk about with her. 

"I can't manage to know if it's genuine or not. If it's a facade. He looks better, really, he smiles more and go out more and talk more. And it doesn’t' seem fake, or forced but... 

"But what?" 

"I don't know, doesn’t it feel a bit... fast, to you? I mean, it's pretty sudden. I know he's been talking to Luke and it helps a lot but... I don't know what to think. Is it bad of me to think it should have been... harder?" 

He couldn't say he really got what she was going at. Jace was better. What more was there to it? But he had to acknowledge her concerns, at least. She was closest to him, and he didn't want to dismiss her, not in this.  

"We'll see how it goes, yeah? No need to worry for now. You can... huh, talk to me. If you have doubts.  Don't keep it to yourself." 

He stayed focused on the ring when he felt her questioning look on his face. He couldn't blame her for being surprised – they weren't exactly friends, far from it actually. But he was grateful that she had stayed by Jace's side and supported him in what had happened and it had him think that she couldn't be that bad, and since she cared so much about Jace, they would always have at least one thing in common. They could bond over that, if anything.   

"Thank you," she said, sounding surprised but sincere. He nodded.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dun. I took some decisions recently, especially regarding Jace. Don't worry I'll tell you all my dilemmas and inner thougts one we get there in the plot. Anyway hope you enjoyed that, Camille will make a come back at some point because I love a good emotionnal hurt/comfort. I'm chating with a friend as I'm writing this so I can't recall a thing I wanted to say. I'll come back to it. Still hoped you enjoyed, please tell me, see you.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is a lot of talking to friends and family.  
> Like, a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to post this this morning but I realized I sent the wrong chapter to my beta. Lucky for you, she's reactive, so here is the right one! It goes to say how little plot there is in this that you can skip a chapter like that, but slice of life nonsense is my thing, so I take it as a good sign.

"I didn't even know." 

Simon raised an inquiring eyebrow, attention snatched away from the issue of Spiderman he was reading.  

"About what?" 

Alec put his own comic down – he had been starring at the same page for five minutes, consumed by the questions he wanted to ask. 

"About your boyfriend. I had no idea." 

"Oh. Yeah, I gathered that much seeing your reaction the other day. I thought you were going to have an attack or something. I admit it was pretty confusing. It's funny that your boyfriend and mine are friends. Small world yeah?" 

That wasn't remotely the point Alec was trying to make, but it was a good point too. Well, he once ran into an elementary school classmate, seven states over on a crowded beach – anything was possible.  

"Yeah. Yeah that's... that's very strange. But... I meant that..." 

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I guess it never came out. I figured maybe you knew, maybe Izzy had told you, but you and I we don’t talk that much? About our life and all. I mean, I didn't know you had a boyfriend either." 

"It's been only a few weeks!" 

"What, you mean you would have told me in six months?" 

Alec couldn't really said he would have, mostly because his vision of the future, especially with Magnus in it, was about a week long, top. Simon seemed to think he had hit a knot. 

"Listen," he amended, "it's not like I wanted to hide things from you. We're just not... huh... friends like that? And we've never talk about this kind of stuff, I didn't really know how you would react or..." 

"React?" 

"Well..." 

Their books were definitely forgotten now, and it was a good thing that the owner was managing the desk because a costumer entering the library right now would have been completely ignored by the both of them. Alec thought the aging man had a soft spot for Simon, or he would never have tolerated his behavior at work. 

The silence stretched enough to be thoroughly uncomfortable, so Alec felt the need to ask, even if he really didn't want to.  

"Did you think I would... wouldn't take it well? That... that you were dating a guy?" 

Simon looked truly sorry about that. Alec was just puzzled.  

"Why?" 

"I didn’t know. That’s it. We never came close to broach the subject and you're... I don't know man you're a boxer, you're whole family is, your brother too, you look all tough and all..." 

Alec was completely stunned. He had been told before that he could look a little intimidating but it usually faded within two minutes of people talking to him and realizing he was unable to talk back due to uncontrollable shyness. 

"What does Jace have to do with this.” 

"Huh, when we were younger and I didn't know you at all I... I tended to put you in the same sack." 

"What sack?" 

"The... jock sack? The sack of the guys who would have bullied me in high school." 

"He never bothered you." 

"He wasn't that nice still." 

"But what about me?" 

"I don’t know! I don't know okay? I have met all kinds of reactions from all kinds of people. I'm not in the closet, but I don't subject myself to negative reactions either if I can help it, it's just not worth it. I'm sorry if that offends you but... 

“No... no you're right, I’m sorry. I... I know. I actually know that. I've had the same struggles before, it's just... Well I'm... I'm gay. Always have been I think. So I never assumed... It's so stupid. I never thought about how I could induce this fear in people too, the same they put in me." 

He had suspected some of his friends to be queer, but none had ever confided in him, and he had never wondered why. But wasn’t it obvious that if he didn't feel comfortable telling them there was a good chance they didn't feel comfortable telling him either? What if that had stopped some of them? Did some his friends and acquaintances refrain from talking about their boyfriend or girlfriend because they didn't know what he would think about it? Would people have included him in derogative jokes, had he had people around him who were the type? The idea was all kinds of terrible. He tried to remember if he had ever been an accomplice, maybe at the boxing ring or at school, but he couldn’t recall. He wouldn’t have had noticed, maybe, used as he was to just go with the flow when he was in a group.  

"I didn't really think you would be a homophobe. But I couldn't be sure so I didn't feel like addressing it. And okay now that I know that you're gay I feel all kind of bad and I really feel like I misjudged you but I guess you're closeted pretty tight so I'm not entirely to blame for not seeing it right? And to be honest Izzy tells me everything about her life and yours but at the same time I get why she would keep that particular secret. It's... It's pretty awkward. Again, I'm sorry." 

"Don't be. If anything, I am. I feel bad for making you feel like you couldn't talk to me about it.” 

"There's also the issue that you look like you want to jump out of a window anytime any kind of personal subject arrives in the conversation, if it's any consolation", Simon said teasingly. Alec laughed quietly. That was true too. 

"Do you want to talk about it then?" Simon asked with a shit-eating grin. 

“What?" 

“Boyfriends.” 

Alec grimaced.  

"I... I'd rather not." 

"See! And then you're surprised I never told you!" 

They laughed more frankly this time.  

"But seriously. If you ever want to talk about things like this, or if you're tired of the straights... Yeah, don't hesitate." 

Alec felt oddly touched by that - he knew that as difficult as Simon was to handle for him, he was as much as a piece of work for the guy himself. They just had very different way of functioning and they had troubles understanding each other sometimes. 

"Thanks. Huh, right back at you." 

"Thanks. Man we are so bad at this. Tell you what, let's go back to the comics and leave that awkwardness behind us." 

"Deal." 

It was funny, because they went back to the exact same position they were five minutes ago. From an outside perspective nothing had changed at all, but Alec felt much lighter. 

. 

Magnus had been staring at his phone for the past few minutes, unblinking and troubled. Eventually Catarina and Ragnor took notice. The man huffed, annoyed by technology oriented people like old bitter people were.  

"Do you want us to leave you two alone?" he asked when his friends silence did nothing to pull Magnus out of his worried starring. "Magnus!" 

Only the loud calling of his name brought Magnus back to the moment. He blinked stupidly, almost surprised to see his friends in his living room. 

"What is it?" Catarina asked, more understanding. Magnus handed her the phone so that she could read aloud the text he had just received from Alec. 

"”How do you feel about coming over to my house this weekend? my siblings will be there". Did you talk about this before?" she asked Magnus. He took the phone back and put it on the table, screen to the wooden surface like he didn't want to see it anymore. 

"The subject came up, vaguely. I didn't think it would be so soon." 

"Why?" 

"Didn't think he'd work up the guts?" Ragnor asked, not completely unkind. 

"Something like that," Magnus sighed.  

It was too bad for him that Rafael wasn't there. He had been quite impressed by Alec's display with Camille last time. Rafael and Magnus had first and foremost bonded over their mutual problem with the women – they had met through her actually, but only gotten close after she and Magnus had broken up. Anyone who could stand against Camille got a lot of points in Raphael's book, as long as people who defended Magnus or anyone Raphael cared about. He had the protective streak in common with Alec, Magnus was confident they would get along well.  

Ragnor was not so easily swayed.  

"Isn't it rushing up a bit?" 

"I’m just meeting his siblings, not getting engaged." 

"From what you told us he is very close to them. It has to be a big deal for him. Don’t deny it, you wouldn't be so rattled by this if it wasn’t," Ragnor insisted, always good at dropping heavy truth in a casual way. Magnus frowned, annoyed. 

"I guess." 

Ragnor was relentless with his questions and probing. Magnus could never hope to get off the hook when Ragnor decided to have him spill his guts. 

"I think it's a good thing," Catarina chipped in. "It will be fine, there's no need to worry. You put him through meeting us, you can do the same." 

"Put him through?" 

Catrina raised a leveled eyebrow to Ragnor offensive exclamation. 

"It can't be worse than what he had to bear," Catarina picked up.  

"Yes it can." 

"No, Magnus, it cannot." 

"Why are you saying that?" 

She sighed, the long, drawn out sigh she let out when she thought her friends were being dense and stupid. 

"I doubt his siblings will try to make you feel uncomfortable and unwelcomed on purpose," she said with a pointed look towards Ragnor who just shrugged, unapologetic. 

"It wasn't that bad," Magnus said absentmindedly. Catrina rolled her eyes so hard he felt concerned for her health. 

"It was, Magnus. He had a terrible time and I felt sorry for him." 

"Come on, you're exaggerating.” 

"I give up, you’re hopeless. My point is he suffered through it and you will too, if you are committed to this in anyway." 

Magnus hated when she went all mother-knows-better on him, mostly because she was almost always right. It was unnerving.  

“I don't like that. I don't like that kid much,” Ragnor grumbled. This time both Catarina and Magnus rolled their eyes. 

"How surprising," Magnus said sarcastically. He didn't expect Ragnor to like him. Ragnor disliked people on principle and decided later if he wanted to revise that judgment or not. It could take a while, not a lot of people were patient enough for it. Magnus suspected he preferred it that way. The few friends he had was enough for him. 

There was time were Magnus was envious of this, but they just had different outtakes on life. He could never do with as little human interaction as Ragnor did. 

"Anyway. I'm going to say yes." 

Ragnor rolled his eyes and Catarina gave him a thumbs up, and really, it questioned how old they were sometimes.  

On Friday Magnus was distracted enough by his Saturday’s plan with Alec's family that he didn't spare a single thought to his asshole of a boss, despite his colleagues complaining heavily about him throughout the day. He felt unnerved, unbalanced, like he was on the verge of a cliff and looking down, wondering if it was a good idea to jump headfirst without looking back. He was still waiting for the other shoe to drop – maybe he always would. Camille and all the others had done that to him, leaving him untrusting and ready for the worse. He wished he could be more confident in his blossoming relationship with Alec.  

He tried not to be contaminated by his friends' worries but it proved harder than it looked, mostly because he knew they were justified. In that regard it was easier to be around his colleagues for this – even if they knew a lot about him, they didn't have the same terrible association between him in a relationship and ugly heartbreak. They were happy for him, essentially, more easily than Raphael and Ragnor and even Catarina could be.  

It didn't help that he knew very little of what to expect from Alec's siblings. He had gathered that Isabelle was a great emotional support to him, and that Jace was a piece of work and most likely to rile him up very fast. But well, Magnus was an adult. He had had his fair share of obnoxious clients, colleagues, and boss, and even dealt with a few awful family members in law – he knew how to play the part, and he wouldn't antagonize Alec's brother no matter what happened. This was, first and foremost, for Alec's sake. He wouldn’t say he didn't care about his siblings but he had no intention of going over his way to befriend them and have them like him. This was about Alec and him, and he would do his damn best to make sure it went well. 

. 

Alec was squeamish for the entire length of the dinner on Friday night. His anticipation and worries were steadily growing stronger and his stomach was tying itself in knots over the prospect of the next day's event. Both his parents would be out of town - not together of course - and he would introduce Magnus as his boyfriend to his childhood house and his two siblings at the same time. He didn’t' remember why he had thought it was a good idea. It wasn't, it really, really wasn't. What if they didn’t like him, what if he didn't like them, what if they didn't get along? What if they did, and Magnus decided they were much better than he was?  

By the end of the dinner he was wondering what they would do in case of an alien attack during lunch.  

Izzy had picked up on it, of course. She motioned for Jace to follow her and invade Alec's room as soon as dinner was over. 

"If it's really stressing you out that much, we can do that another day," she said as soon as the door was closed. He wasn't sure if she felt angry about it, or wounded, or just amused.  

"I'm not stressed," he tried to deny, eliciting a perfectly synchronized scoff of disbelief from his two siblings.  

"We're not going to eat him you know," Jace pointed out, a bit exasperated. Alec knew he didn’t understand what the big deal was, and he had no hope of conveying that to him. Jace simply didn't bother himself with that kind of doubts and fear.  

"I just want it to go without a hitch. I want you to get along," Alec said, as if it was that simple. It wasn't much more complicated either, just out of his control.  

"There's no reason for us not to like him," Jace stated. That wasn't what Alec meant though, not really. After all not everybody could be friends, and Magnus was very different from the people they usually hung out with. It wasn't as much as them liking him or not, but more what they would do about it. 

"And even if we don't, we won't scare him away," Izzy amended, more perceptive than Jace. Alec sighed. 

"I know, I know."  

But did he? Did he trust them, and Jace especially, to play nice even if they found themselves at odds with his boyfriend?  

"Except if he's really a dick," Jace joked and that's exactly what Alec didn’t want to laugh about.  

"Even then, I'd like you to keep that particular judgment to yourself," he answered, more harshly than he intended. 

"Can't I disclose anything about what I think of him?" 

"No." 

Jace frowned, temper rising. Alec stood up from his bed to face him fully, challenging. 

"Why is that?" 

"I don't trust your opinion on that. You don't like anyone new, and I don't like any of your friends. I like Magnus, a lot, I like what we have together, and I'm not interested in what you have to say about it." 

"If not why can't I say it anyway?" Jace countered, always contradictory. 

Because no matter how much I don't want you, I'm always influenced by you, Alec didn't say. It wasn't something he wanted Jace to know, wasn't a truth he wanted to place in his hand. It was true for Izzy as well but he wasn't so concerned because he was almost certain she would take to Magnus, and he to her. He could have been almost scared of them liking each other a little too much, if Jace's reaction didn't concern him even more. Whether he like it or not, it mattered to him. And Jace would likely said he didn't like him just because, like he did for Izzy's boyfriends, but the difference was Alec wouldn't be able to shake it off, to pay it no mind. He didn't want their interference in this.  

"Just don't." 

"Why are you even bringing him here then?" 

He thought about it for a little while and had to come to the conclusion that it was for his and Magnus’s relationship, more than for his siblings’ sake. 

"I want him to know more about me, that's all. I don't want to hide him. I want you to know him, because he's my boyfriend and I care about him. Not because I need your approval or for you to become friends." 

“Very nice,” Jace scoffed. Alec almost took his words back, but refrained. Jace could live with having his feelings hurt a little from time to time. 

Wow, that was a new one for him.  

“Come on guys, stop it, it will be fine. Why are we making such a big deal out of it?” Izzy asked, tone more playful than she really felt. Alec and Jace glared at each other a little while longer but eventually let it go. Alec wasn’t reassured at all though.  

A few hours later, Izzy knocked on his door, pulling him out of the novel he was lost in. 

“Alec? I have Aline on Skype, if you want to talk to her." 

"Yeah, thanks, I'm coming." 

Talking to Aline was always good for his mood. For the longest time she'd been the only one he could talk to. They had been less alone together, when love and sex was confusing at best, anxiety inducing at worst.  

But she had come out and he hadn't, and he felt like he had failed her somehow and truth be told, the difficult process she had gone through with her parents as a result hadn't gave him any motivation.  

He went into Izzy's room.  

"I'll go have a snack." 

He nodded gratefully, glad that she got his need for privacy. She had been a little jealous at some point, that they shared that special bound, but really, it was nothing to be envious of.  

"Hey Alec! It's good to see you. " 

"You too. How are you? " 

Alec wasn't good at small talk, mostly because he didn't like it much, but he was always happy to hear from her. She had been happily dating Helen for more than two years, and it filled him with joy, and hope. Alec and her had realized they could be happy just the way they were, something they had doubted once. The girls were living together not far from their campus in San Francisco.  

"There’s something I wanted to tell you," he said after a few more banalities.  

"Me too. You first though. " 

"OK. Well I... I'm dating someone. Not... Not like the other times, it's... For real." 

"Really? Tell me, how long? How is he? " 

Her surprise and interest seemed genuine, which meant Izzy had resisted the urge to talk about it with her. He'd have to thank her for that.  

"It's been a few weeks. His name’s Magnus, he's a little older than me. Graphic designer." 

"Is he hot?" 

She chuckled at his embarrassed blush.  

"Yeah. Very. " 

"I'll need pictures to back that up. How did you two meet?" 

He winced. That was a question he wasn't fond of.  

"I worked in his building. I took him home once and… Well. " 

"Alexander Gideon Lightwood, are you telling me that you made the first move?" 

He giggled. He had, hadn't he? It hadn't been very smooth or efficient, but still. He had. He nodded proudly.  

"I'm so proud of you." 

"Thanks. Actually he’s coming here tomorrow to meet Izzy and Jace.” 

“Oh, so it is serious somehow. You nervous?” 

He considered lying through his teeth for a second before dismissing it. If there was one person he could talk to openly about this, it was her. 

“I’m dying of nerves.” 

She laughed, but it was compassionate, full of affection. He always missed her the most when they were talking to each other. 

“I’m sure it will be fine. You’ll have to tell me though.” 

“Yeah, yeah. Okay, enough of that. What did you want to tell me then?" 

She fell uncharacteristically quiet, her eyes looking everywhere but at her screen, almost getting him worried until she spoke again. 

"I... I'm going to ask Helen to marry me." 

She had her face in her hands as soon as the words were out, but he could still see her red cheeks stretched with an impossibly wide smile.  

"Shit, really?" 

"Yeah. I've been thinking about it for a while. I was worrying about a million things, what if we are too young, and I don't even believe in marriage really, and about money and our family... I could find a hundred reason as to why it wasn't a good idea. But then I just thought about the good reasons and... I just want to. I love her. I want it to be known, without a doubt, I want the entire world to know. Fuck all the rest. " 

He had a feeling she was giving him a speech she had told herself many times. She looked determined, ready to fight down any criticism, any bad word.  

"It's amazing Aline." 

"Really? You're the first person I’ve told. I wanted you to talk me out of it if need be. " 

“There is no need. I'm serious. If you want to be with Helen, you can, and if you want to be her wife, you can to. If she wants to be yours, why the hell wouldn't you?"  

“Do you think she won't want to?" she asked, worried. He let out a short laugh. She was ridiculous.  

"Of course she will Aline, don't be dumb. I have no doubt about that. " 

She smiled, and she looked so happy, like she was glowing. She was sure about this, about her love, her relationship, her future and her life. He envied her the determination, he who was always doubting everything, starting with himself. 

“Do you have anything planned?” he asked, wanted to keep her going, to watch her being happy and in love. She shrugged. 

“I’m not sure yet. Something simple. I don’t want to buy a ring, she always says my taste in fashion is “tragic”, I’ll let her chose what she’ll hopefully wear for the rest of her life. A nice date, and I’ll pop the question I guess. I don’t want to go overboard.” 

“It’s amazing,” he said again, because it really was. “Keep me updated then. Try and take a picture of her crying face.” 

Helen always cried like a baby when she was happy, so much that it could be pretty disturbing, seeing that she tended to bawl like she had just broken her two legs. 

“Can’t guarantee I won’t be crying too, but I’ll do my best!” 

They smiled stupidly at each other for a moment, savoring the feeling, but all too soon she grew more concerned. 

“Please keep it to yourself for now yeah? I want to actually ask before I worry about announcing it to everyone.” 

“Of course.” 

He wished he could hug her right now, tell her it was all the people having something bad to say about this who were in the wrong, not her. That it wasn’t her fault her parents had such a hard time accepting her. He was better at giving hugs than using his words. 

“I’m proud of you,” he said softly, voice full of affection. Her eyes were beginning to water and he almost reach out, like he could touch her cheek and keep her tears from falling. A noise in the background made her jump. 

“Helen just got home,” she informed him, blinking rapidly to chase the wetness in her eyes. “I’ll call you again soon. We’ll have things to talk about right?” 

She was grinning again, and he smiled back.” 

“For sure. Good night.” 

“Good night!” 

As if on cue, Izzy came back to her room as the call disconnected.  

“Good talk?” she asked. He nodded on his way out. He didn’t ask if she had been eavesdropping – she always put her nose in everybody’s business, but it was more for her sake, to satisfy a kind of systematic curiosity that pushed her to try and know everything about everybody all the time. She usually kept it all to herself. It just made it hard to surprise her with anything.  

“Thanks for telling me. Goodnight,” he called from his room. 

“Good night. Try not to worry too much!” 

Of course she had to remind him. He stuck his tongue at her, but did his best to follow her advice, without much success. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as it is the next chapter is ready, it'll come in a few day. Probably monday cause on tuesday I'm leaving for a shcool-realted trip in Montreal :p Hope you enjoyed that don't forget to tell me, comments have been rare lately but I know you're out there. Don't be a stranger and have a good day, bye!


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To say that the meeting-the-siblings date didn't go well would be a massive understatement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are again! I'm sorry I didn't answer the reviews from the last chapter yet, I've been pretty busy, and by busy I mean I spent the whole weekend being pampered by a very good friend of mine I visited up north and I didn't get a single productive thing done.
> 
> Fun fact, this is a scene I decided on almost at the begining and when I started writing this story I thought it was going to happen in like chapter 6 or 7. HA HA HA. Wtf.
> 
> I've been saying it wasn't going to go well, and I didn't lie. Sorry. Enjoy!

It took Jace more than an hour to reach Clary's house after leaving his own. Usually the trip took about fifteen minutes if he walked slowly, but he had been dazed, completely out of it, and had lost his way twice on a path he had walked about a thousand times before. He also had had to sit down on two occasions because he couldn't catch his breath, and the second time he had stared at the pavement for a solid ten minutes before remembering he was going somewhere.

Jocelyn looked very worried when she opened the door.

"Jace? What happened to you, are you okay?"

She made to call someone inside, probably Clary, and he stopped her in a rush.

"No! Please, don't tell her I'm here."

Jocelyn looked at him like he had grown a second head, but she complied.

"Can I help you?" she asked in a gentle tone, having caught up on his distress.

"I... I was hoping I could speak with Luke. If he's... he's here?"

She nodded and went back in the house in search of her husband. She left the door wide open, a clear invitation, but he stayed right where he was. He couldn't run into Clary, couldn’t face her right now. Luke came at the door, matching the concerned expression of his wife.

"Hello Jace."

"I'm sorry for bothering you but I... something happened at home and I didn't know where else to go."

"It's okay, I told you you could come find me anytime. Do you want to come in? Sit down, have something to drink?"

He could hear Clary inside, no doubt drawn by the noise, and he felt his heart stutter in panic. He didn't have any reasonable explanation as to why he really didn't want to do that. Fortunately, Luke caught up on it right away. He grabbed his jacket and keys and was out of the house seconds later. Jace followed docilely towards his car.

They had talked a lot in the car, either with Luke driving or parked somewhere, because they were sheltered, in a familiar place, and there was no one else to listen on to them. Jace had trouble opening up in general and even more with strangers around him. They drove for a few minutes to a quiet street nearby. Luke took the time to kill the engine, unbuckle his seatbelt and open the window for a bit of fresh air before he turned to Jace, who was studiously avoiding his gaze.

"Want to tell me what happened now?" Luke asked, not unkindly, but with the authority he knew how to use in his voice that made Jace feel complied to answer.

"I screwed up. I really screwed up this time and I don't know... I don't know if I can fix it. I don’t know."

"Do you think Izzy won't forgive you?"

Jace inhaled sharply, his eyes burning and throat closing painfully.

"It's not Izzy. It's Alec."

.

Izzy couldn't recall a single time she had not dared to enter Alec's room.

Alec was sanctuary to her, and she hoped she was to him too. She had gone to him for every bit of struggle in her life, for every crisis and joy, for every hard times and every victory. She had slept in his bed for two weeks after Max's death, and she had never shied away from going to him when she knew he was upset, even when he said he wanted to be left alone. She would go, even if she said nothing, even if she stayed quietly in a corner, because she never wanted him to feel alone, to think that she didn’t care.

But now she was standing in front of the half closed door and she didn't know what to do.

To her defense, the situation was entirely new to her, as it was to him and to Jace too.

It was the first time she had seen Alec get angry.

She peeked inside the room and saw him sitting on his bed. He was looking at an invisible point somewhere in front of him, too many emotions fighting off in his head leaving his face devoid of any. He looked like a doll, unmoving, unblinking, apart from the trembling of his hands. He had been like this ever since Magnus and then Jace had left the house. Magnus had left because he felt betrayed. Jace had left because Alec had send him away.

That in itself was a bug in the matrix. Alec had told Jace to leave

She couldn’t enter because she didn't know how to help him. She felt lost too, but this time he needed support even more than she did.

And the day had had such a good beginning.

.

"First of all I have to tell you Alec is gay."

Jace made a dramatic pause to gauge the effect of his revelation. Seeing no reaction from Luke, he got defensive.

"Now if you have a problem with it..."

"I don't, Jace."

"Oh. Ok. Cool. Don’t tell him I told you though."

"Of course not. Although why tell me if you know he wouldn't want to?"

"It's... part of the story. And it doesn't matter anymore anyway, it can’t get worse than it already is."

Luke retained a comment about cautious pessimism he felt would be ill received.

"Alright. Go on."

"He's been seeing this guy. Magnus. For a few months now. Which is saying something because he's never kept a guy more than a few weeks. And they saw each other a lot, he talked about him and all. He wanted us to meet him."

"Your parents too?"

Jace scoffed.

"Ah, 'course not. They know nothing and I doubt they will anytime soon."

"Maryse and Robert wouldn't be much bothered by it I think."

"Try telling that to Alec. T'was hard enough for him to come out to us. As if we'd mind."

Luke tried to decipher Jace's tone but couldn't tell if Alec's distrust had hurt him. A question for another time.

"Mom’s out of town visiting friends this weekend and dad was at the gym, so Alec invited the guy over. And he's like... he's life, fashionable. Fitting clothes, make up, like a girl. Expensive shit too. He's nothing like Alec. He was all sweet and nice but I don't know, this guy, he has money for sure, he's in the cool crowd or something, it was so fucking weird. And like, they met when Alec was doing his hours cleaning offices. He had to know Alec was a student so I thought maybe he thought it had just been a summer job or whatever. And I... I don't know. I don't understand what I was thinking. It's true I disliked the guy but I... I don't know. Something very bad took over in my head, I wanted to... to test him I guess? So I... We were alone at some point and I..."

.

"I just... I can't believe it. I can’t believe he would rattle me out like this. He just..."

Alec couldn't talk, and Izzy had nothing to say. His grip on his hair had to be painful but no coaxing or soothing would make him let go.

"Why did he do it? Why would he tell Magnus if he thought he didn't know? Why... why did he want to hurt me?"

"You know that's not it..." she tried weakly.

"Do I?"

She said notching. She had a vague idea of what had gone through Jace's head, something to do with jealousy, fear of abandonment, pack dynamics or whatever, but it was still hard to justify.

"I don’t understand. I don't understand what he thinks of me, what he takes me for."

And that was it. That’s why ever calm and collected Alec had snapped, why he had sent Jace away. He always understood. He could assume any point of view, understand any motives, when they made sense. But this didn’t make sense to him, because Alec had not pesky feelings, and above all, he was unable to hurt anyone on purpose.

Which was clearly what Jace had done. His goal hadn't been to hurt Alec of course, but the outcome was obvious and he should have seen it. When he had told Magnus that Alec had been doing community service at the firm, it was with the certitude that Magnus didn't know. What did he hope to achieve? He probably thought it would drive him away, or trap him into revealing that he couldn’t bear that. A call it wasn't his place to make of course. He had been known to be quite mean to her own boyfriends, but the boys she had dated could take it, and she didn't care all that much about them anyway.

That Magnus already knew and called him out on throwing Alec under the bus like that wasn't the point. It was the intent that counted.

And yet it had gotten even worse.

.

"I was so sure that Alec wouldn't have tell him. He's embarrassed by everything, he never talks about himself."

"And knowing that, you decided to tell on him to his boyfriend," Luke summed up. Jace hanged his head, full of shame.

"I don't know what I was thinking. That the guy wouldn’t be able to take it. But it got... it got worse."

"How so?"

Jace looked out the window.

"I was so angry Luke. I think I've never been angrier in my whole life. Because Alec had told, he had told him everything, so that I was known as his delinquent of a younger brother. And it seemed so unfair, that guy I didn't know already judging me, knowing more about me than even my parents do. I... got angry. I said all that to his face. Asked him how it felt then to meet the family's fuck up. But..."

For a moment, Jace couldn't breath. The tipping point was so fresh in his mind, the moment he had understood Magnus's look of confusion, before realization had dawned on both of them. Alec halted footsteps hadn't been enough to snap them out of it, even if a small part of Jace's brain had registered that on top of it all Alec had heard everything.

"I'm the worse. I'm... I constantly fail to remember that Alec is way better than me, than any of us. Because he didn't tell. That fucking asshole told the guy he was dating he got community service for beating up a guy, but kept for himself that he hadn't actually be the one to do it. That he had took the fall to protect me. He hadn't tell!"

Jace had shouted, distressed and lost. Luke rested a large, warm hand on his shoulder, firmly enough to keep him grounded and prevent him from bolting out of the car and run until he collapsed. His breath was escaping him, his heat beating wildly in his chest.

"I... I..."

He choked. Air wasn't entering his lungs anymore. He couldn't breathe. The car was getting smaller and smaller, he couldn't move, he was going to die. That was it, there was no way he could survive this, the world was ending and he was dying.

"Jace, you need to calm down. You're having a panic attack. It's not bad, everything is alright. Calm down."

Luke was talking, probably. His words didn't make much sense above the rush of his beating heart in his ears, but still he caught on some quiet comfort, something calm, steady and strong, grounding. He tried to focus on that, on Luke's ever calming voice, his hand on his shoulder.

It felt like an eternity of a few minutes before he could breathe again. The world came back into focus, he was back in the car, strangely quiet and dull after what felt like the end of time. He needed a few more minutes to fully get a grip back, Luke staying quietly by his side the entire time.

"I'm sorry I... that was…

"Understandable, considering what happened today. It's alright."

Jace stared at his trembling hands, wondering how Luke could be so nice after what he'd done, how he was still here, supportive and understanding, when Jace deserved none of it.

"I don’t know what Alec was the most angry about. The fact that I would share his secret or the fact that I exposed his lie in the process. Granted, I guess it's not so bad as lies go, but Magnus seemed really upset. Lying is still lying or something. Alec went after him but I don't think they talked. He came back into the house and... You don't know him well, but Alec... He doesn't get angry. He just doesn’t."

"Did he shout? Break things? Did he hurt you?" Luke asked, professional and methodic, but Jace only laughed.

"You really don't know him. Of course not. He didn't even raised his voice. He looked... like he was in shock maybe. He kept his voice down. That didn’t make his words any less terrible, or true. And he told me to get out of the house or he'd have to, because he couldn't be near me at the moment. I left."

Luke's hand left his shoulder as the man sat back in his seat with a long sigh. Jace couldn't bear to cross his gaze, so he kept his eyes on the road, on the very few people walking around, close and yet miles away from him. How he wished he could trade place with them at the moment, but then again, who was to say they didn't have it as bad as he did, or worse? Right now he couldn't imagine what could be worse, but he also knew life could be creative.

"It's the first time he's been close to properly dating someone. A guy that seems decent enough, who he likes, and who isn't a weak coward for once. And I... I ruined it. For no reasons at all, I ruined it for him."

Luke sighed again, long and forlorn. Jace wanted to be buried alive.

"I don't know what to tell you Jace. I don't think there is anything you can do right now. They will work something out together, and then you can try and make amend to your brother. But this is... this is big, Jace. You understand that right? You let your emotions completely take over, the deepest, ugliest urges you had, and not onto some strangers this time, or someone who had wronged you.”

“I know.” He squashed down a strangled sob. “I know.”

.

“What did Magnus said?” Izzy asked after a long moment of silence, realizing Alec wasn’t going to talk on his own. He was staring out the window, looking for who knew what in the few lazy clouds cutting the bright blue of the fall sky. She wasn’t even sure he had heard her until he answered quietly.

“He said that he didn’t deal well with lies. That it wasn’t fair of me to have presented an altered version of myself, even if in the end it was a worse one than the actual truth. And that…”

Alec inhaled sharply, the stuttering intake of breath she associated to a sob, and she was by his side in a second, squeezing his hands in hers.

“That maybe I had thing to sort through before I could devote any time or energy to a relationship.”

He squeezed back even if his eyes were still locked on the sky. He liked it, the sky, always had. Despite the down-to-earth role he had to endorse for his siblings, he was a dreamer at heart.

“Did he…”

“I don’t know. He said we’d talk later. I shouldn’t have lied to him. I tried to explain but I don’t think I was very convincing. It seems stupid now, considering…”

“What?”

“I lied to protect Jace. So that Magnus wouldn’t make his mind about him without meeting him first. But what did it serve? Jace proved to be even worse than any opinion the truth could have form in Magnus’s mind. I lied so that he wouldn’t be seen like that but maybe I… maybe he… He just is? Maybe he really is…”

“Alec!”

“He doesn’t care for me right? Isn’t it what happened today means? He doesn’t care for me and my happiness, he doesn’t care to hurt me.”

“You can’t say that. Alec…”

“I don’t know. I don’t know.”

She didn’t think he really believed it, but it was terrible to hear all the same. Was that it then? Was it how you gave up on someone? Was it Jace going too far this time? It couldn’t be. No matter how much she wanted to beat some sense into him right now, she couldn’t believe that he was lost forever. She only found out now how much faith she still had in them figuring it out, working their way through this. She hadn’t give up at all. Alec couldn’t either.

But for now there was nothing she could do. If indeed Magnus decided this was too much… But he couldn’t. How could Alec ever forgive Jace then? It wasn’t fair on the man – he wasn’t responsible of the issues between the siblings, and he had been a victim of it anyway. But still, still. He couldn’t.

Her cellphone rung, bringing back the reality of the outside world in their bubble of misery. It was Luke calling.

“Hello.”

“Hey, Izzy. How are you?”

She didn’t know how to answer. It was safe to assume that he was calling because Jace was with him, so he knew what had transpired between them. He knew she wasn’t okay.

“Sorry, it wasn’t… Listen, Jace is with me. It think he’ll stay at our place tonight, and maybe for a few days. He doesn’t have the courage to come home yet, and I guess he maybe wouldn’t be welcomed either.”

It broke her heart, but it was probably true. Alec would never prevent him from coming home, but it would be too strained so soon.

“Okay. I’ll tell my parents. Thanks Luke.”

“Are you gonna be okay?”

She glanced at Alec, lost in his contemplations. He hadn’t noticed she was on the phone, or he didn’t care.

“We’ll have to.”

“Take care.”

“Thank you. Take… take care of him,” she whispered, feeling almost guilty for asking. Was that how Alec felt all the times he had to pick sides between Jace and her? Or did he not pick any side and simply told the other what they needed to hear, playing mediator, hurting for them both?

“Is he alright?

She turned a surprised face to her brother, who met her gaze for the first time since Jace’s departure.

“I… I guess. He’ll stay with Luke for a while.”

“Okay.”

He had to ask, right? Even now, even then, he had to ask if Jace was okay. Maybe that meant he wasn’t giving up, ever, but it was worse in a sense. He didn’t know how to preserve himself.

“Are you going to call Magnus?”

“I’ll wait.”

She bit back a retort. That’s what she was afraid of, because Alec wasn’t a fighter. He was a defender all right, a support, but he had trouble enough recognizing his own worth, he didn’t think he deserved to fight for what he wanted. If it was too hard to get, it meant it just wasn’t for him. What a terrible perspective on life she thought, her who fought for everything all the time, sometimes just to prove she could actually get what she wanted no matter what. She wanted to shake him, trust his phone in his hand, number already dialed, drag him to Magnus’s place and wait with him in front of the door until the man would open it.

She would do none of these things of course. She couldn’t force Alec, nor Magnus. She could just squeeze her brother’s hands harder, and it made her want to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so you know, after that I have like 5 or 6k of post-fight where they talk to basically everyone else and then to each other for an eternity. I like talking. So yeah, Jace has issues, like for real. We'll get on that too.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Communication, with mitigated results.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I insist on putting chapter summary.
> 
> I know it's been a while. I'm sorry, but I won't justified myself. School is hell and I had a hell of a week. To be perfectly honnest what gave me the push to finish this chapter was just that I would be able to post it and then receive reviews, because reviews make me happy and I need that right now.
> 
> So here we go finally, an attempt at explaining things that doesnt go too well. The next two chapters are drafted and I hope won't take too long too come. I'm also hoping to finally post the second part of the King & Villager AU, anything else is on standby for now.
> 
> Thanks to NightChanger for the corrections, enjoy

Alec spent the entirety of the following day staring at his ceiling from his bed, and feelings sorry for himself.

Izzy tried a few incursions without much success - she was out of her depths, it being the first time Alec was in need of comfort and not the other way around. She was also avoiding him because she couldn't keep her anger in check and was well aware that hearing her fulminate about Jace wasn't what he needed right now. If it was an ordinary fight between them, it would have been okay. She always needed to reassert that she was on his side for some reason. It wasn't very nice for Jace, but then again, he couldn't really argue in his favor right now...

So he stayed alone on his bed, unmoving, overcome by a strange exhaustion that soaked his whole body, made his every move sluggish and inefficient.

He had tried to work - he had work to do, it was important, he had to - but all he could do was glare at the blinking cursor of his latest dissertation chapter's blank page while his mind was focused entirely on his phone, in his jean pocket. He obsessed over reaching for it and calling Magnus or at least texting him, or just stare at the screen and will it to ring, or read back on their conversation until he felt brave enough to pick on the thread. But he wasn't even brave enough to touch the thing. It could have been made of molten lava, the way he avoided it.

He suffered through lunch, which was even more of a stilted affair than usual, their mother angry about Jace's absence and them refusing to give an explanation, Izzy doing a terrible job at pretending she didn’t noticed anything wrong, and their father checking whatever on his own phone the whole time.

Alec wondered, cynical and bitter, if he was trying to make up with his boyfriend too. He skipped dinner, and slept badly. All in all, a terrible weekend.

.

Magnus woke up early on Sunday to go for a run before meeting his friends for lunch. He didn't talk about Alec. He ran some errands, did a round of laundry, and spent half an hour on the phone with Woolsey, a friend from college who lived in London and the living proof in Magnus's life that friends could indeed sleep together without any messy feelings involved, and still stay on excellent terms once they parted ways. They talked about their respective life, jobs and relationship, but Magnus didn't talk about Alec. He went out for a drink with Tessa, Will and Jem in the evening - Sunday night was their night out for some reasons. They listened to a friend of Jem's jazz band and he didn't talk about Alec.

By the end of the weekend, Magnus had successfully fooled himself into thinking he didn't care. Even if he spent it checking his phone every minute or so.

.

Of course on Monday morning their meeting with their project teacher went terribly. Fortunately, maybe, Alec was beyond tired, and didn't really have enough energy to get upset about the critics. There was no point anyway, they would just have to work some more.

What was really upsetting was Lydia’s worried gaze on him as they perused over their prints and plans. He hadn't told her any details, only that he had a fight with Magnus that was unresolved for now, and it was enough to have her treat him like he was a grieving widow. He wasn't comfortable talking about his relationship with her. He wasn't comfortable about talking, and even less about his relationship, and even less with her. Her boyfriend had died. What could he complain about then? How could he share any of his worries and pain? All he could think about was "at least he's not dead", and that was depressing and unfair to her.

So he kept his eyes down, working furiously on their global plan. She got the message because she didn’t ask anything, even if she looked even more concerned when they parted at the end of the day. He avoided his family at home and his friends at school and managed to keep it up for two days more.

But working in the main study room all day long meant that the girls would catch up with him eventually.

"Hey you! What's up?"

Alec didn't raise his eyes as Maia and Lilly greeted Lydia, asking about their progress, the course of their weekend. They hadn't talk about their argument again, choosing to avoid the subject and leave the air tense and stressed between them. He had never felt the need to confide in them, to seek comfort in their friendship. It just wasn't something he did. He kept things to himself and dealt with it alone, and in the end they knew nothing about the important things going on in his life. He would have claimed it was because he didn't need to, but the truth was that he feared they wouldn't care. That they weren’t really friends after all, they just hang out together, but they wouldn't want to hear about his troubles. What had he given, in their relationship, what had he brought them? Nothing. He was just there, and they didn't mind. That was enough. It had to be.

"Alec, are you okay?"

Surprised by a gentle hand on his shoulder, Alec raised his head to cross Lily's piercing eyes. She was staring at him, intense and focused, like she was trying to read his mind. Maia came to stand at his other side. He felt both protected and trapped.

"Yeah. Fine. You?"

It sounded terrible even to his own ears. He was usually better than that at pretending. He was a shitty liar but he had a skill for deflection – he could easily turn their attention elsewhere than on him, and maybe they went along with it a little. They indulged him because they respected that he didn't want to talk, or most likely because they weren’t interested anyway.

"Are you sure? Everything alright?" she asked again, soft but insistent. She was onto him, she knew. He nodded with a weak smile, knowing she wouldn't let go that easily.

"You look like shit. Lover's quarrel?" Maia asked jokingly in Lydia's direction, even if she stills sounded a little bitter.

"Thank you for your input", Alec snapped back. "Fucking Aldertree had the same this morning, although he mentioned that seeing my thesis I surely didn’t lose sleep over working on it.”

"Well someone's in a mood" Maia pointed out with a scowl. Alec sat on his chair with a sigh.

"I’m just tired, okay. Didn’t sleep much,” he mumbled by way of an explanation. It was a half truth – he had barely slept all week. He rubbed a hand on his forehead, hoping to quell the beginning of a nasty headache. He didn't do well with the lack of sleep, at all. Something that made emergency all-nighters a living hell, but didn't motivate him enough to try to avoid them.

Maia looked at him, then at Lydia, studiously avoiding all of their gazes, and drew the worst conclusion possible.

"Wait a second. Did you sleep out last night?"

Alec stared at her blankly, wondering where the hell that had come from, which was all the confirmation Maia needed.

"I knew it! That’s it right? Come on Lydia, spill! Or is it someone else? That’s why you were so upset the other day! Who is she? Do we know her?

"It's nothing of the sort. I didn't... please leave me alone."

"Oh come on Alec, you never tell us anything! You've been a lonely single soul ever since we met!"

"There’s nothing wrong with being single," Lily said, voice a little tense. Maia backed off, hands raised.

"Yeah, yeah, sorry"

"And leave him alone. If he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't have to."

"I just think it would do him good. Share his feelings for once, be opened."

"You’re just a gossip."

“Would you please stop?”

Even with the pathetic tone of his voice, it got them to stop bickering and focus back on him. He couldn’t deal with another fight on top of it all.

“We will if you just spill!” Maia exclaimed, and he knew, he knew she didn’t mean anything by it. She was smiling a mischievous smile, she was just teasing, it was harmless, affectionate.

He jumped out of his chair and walked out of the room.

.

Half an hour later, Lily sat down next to him on the steps. The stairs he was hiding in lead to a rarely used closet-sized classroom on the top floor, and they often came up there to eat lunch in peace or take a nap against the wall.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked after a long silence. She was rubbing his back slightly - he hadn’t even noticed at first. It was a bit weird, she had never acted like that with him. He had seen her comfort Maia many times, watching from a safe distance, afraid to overstep, but it had never been for him, because he had never given her a reason to. It was in his habit to hide everything. Not to bother others with his problems. Even now, he felt the urge to flee, to call the whole thing off, wave it off as nothing and go back to his work, let them go back to theirs. He wanted to disappear into the void.

"You have class soon," was all he could answer.

"Easy choice between a lecture on urban rights and you in need of comfort," Lily said lightly with the edge of a smile. He shook his head.

"It's okay, really, I'm..."

"Alec."

She looked like Izzy with that expression on her face, that “cut the bullshit for both our sake” air. Still he fought it, an old reflex.

"No, no, it's okay, it's okay. I..."

What could he say? That he was a coward unable to own up to his own mess? A liar that kept everything to himself, never trusted anything upon his two closest friends? An idiot too dumb to figure out the basics of human interactions? He didn't want to tell now. To go back to the beginning of the story. He didn't even know if the story was over or not.

“Just tell me the facts. I won’t pry, I won’t ask for details. I’ll just help. Come on Alec. Please.”

He was so very tired.

"I had a fight.”

If she was surprised by his sudden admission, she recovered quickly. “With your siblings? Your parents?”

“No. Well kinda, but no.” He inhaled deeply. He thought he would have time to think it over, to be prepared, but as often, things just went their own way. Well, there was no avoiding it now was there? Maybe he had to be cornered to finally be honest. “With my... my boyfriend."

He stared at Lily. She was the easiest one to deal with because they were alike in many aspects. She could understand him sometimes when even he couldn't, and he was relieved it was only her who decided to seek him out. Maia would have been too much for him right now.

Lily didn't miss a beat.

"A big one?"

He blinked, surprised. "Quite, yeah. We've never... It's recent. We've never fought before."

"Was it your fault, or his?"

She was asking like a teacher would ask during a pop quiz. Facts and figures. He could do that.

"Mine."

"What did you do?"

"I hid things I shouldn't have, and he found out."

"How bad are the things?"

He thought about that for a moment. Not so bad, all things considered.

"Not too bad, I think... the problem is the lying."

“Have you talked since?”

“No, I…” _I didn’t dare_. “No.”

"Okay.

Alec knew what she was doing. Problem solving. That's what she did, Lily, it was her thing. Every issue, every event, every occurrence of any kind, she always approached like it was a logical problem, almost mathematical. She had changed course from civil engineering to architecture after her first year in college and Alec figured it had to be pretty hard sometimes for a mind like hers, so logical and rational, to deal with the abstraction of their discipline. But she liked it, as long as she could apply her own method to it. The problem solving method, an expression Maia proudly claimed parenting of, despite the fact that it had been a conjoint effort from both of them to try to describe their friend.

He had seen that before. Be it for Maia after a break up or a fight with her parents, for a last minute emergency on a project, for a difficult group member, or for a conflict in schedule, she always dealt with it like this. She laid the problem in her mind and thought calmly on solution and consequences, asking question and building tables and lists in her head, probably some calculation too. It could make her look a bit cold, but empathy was in fact a numeral parameter of her reasoning. She could quantify it all, that’s all.

"Okay,” she said after a few seconds of thinking, “okay, I think you should go talk to him. In person."

"Hm. He's... He'd be at work. Right now.

She chuckled, full of indulgence.

"Not right now, stupid. But as soon as you can, tonight if possible. Don't let it fester. Got to him and apologize. Tell him why you lied, and tell him the whole story again."

"I think he got the idea..."

"You can't know that. Don’t leave him with words you didn't tell. Tell him, like it was the first time, like you had found the courage in time and told him on your own terms."

"And what then?"

She smiled.

"Then it's up to him. Don't hide anything more, ok? Promise? You tell everything, and you tell him that you did."

"Okay," Alec agreed. That he could do, follow a plan, do as she told. She never quarreled with anyone, she always broke up any fights that could happen between the people around her almost before it begun. She had to know what she was talking about.

And she hadn't asked anything.

“Aren’t you curious?” he said, because he just had to dig a deeper hole for himself.

“Maybe a little,” she answered with an honest smile. “We’ll deal with that later ok? When you feel better.”

Somehow his friends being so nice and understanding made him feel ten times worse about himself.

“Why… why aren’t you cross with me? Why do you help?”

"Why wouldn't I, Alec? Why do you?"

Because that’s what he did. He was the big brother, always had been. He was the one who looked after the other, gave comfort, protected them. Not the other way around. They shouldn’t have had to worry about him.

It's not your job, Izzy said. Jace too, even his mom.

 _It's not your job to look after me,_ Max had said. But every time he thought about this, his little brother’s voice kept going in his head, even if he knew, he knew he hadn’t said it, but it was still there, he couldn't escape it. _It's not your job. And if it was, you'd have failed at it._

And if he couldn't do that, what use did he have?

"We care about you, Alec."

He pressed his knees against his chest and buried his head in his arms so that she wouldn’t see the look on his face. She assumed he was crying and she started rubbing his back with soothing noises. He wasn’t crying, but it was a close thing.

“Was Maia very mad?” he asked, voice muffled and barely audible. Lily chuckled, affectionate.

“She just wants you to be at ease, to feel like you can talk to us. She’s worried too.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. You’ll make it up to us.”

He really would.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.”

.

Alec was melting from nerves.

Quite literally. His forehead was damp with sweat and his grip on his bike had been slippery too. If he waited any longer, standing up in front of Magnus's door like an idiot, he was going to lose all the water in his body and simply die. Somehow it still seemed better than the alternative, which was ringing the doorbell.

Angel, Izzy was right, he was so dramatic. It was just a doorbell. A simple button. Maybe Magnus wouldn't even answer. Maybe he was out. And maybe he would answer and this would go just fine, they would talk like proper adults and sort things out.

Or maybe Magnus wouldn't accept to talk to him. Maybe he would tell him he never wanted to see him again. Maybe he would yell.

There was no way he was pushing that button.

But he had to, he had to. He had come all this way. And he couldn't spend one more day like that, tugging at his hair and tumbling through his phone without daring to use it. He wanted to talk to Magnus. To explain. Screw that, he just wanted to see him, hear his voice, touch him.

He pressed the button.

He heard the bell ring inside of Magnus’s loft, but not other sound came after it. He had known for certain that Magnus would still be at work, but somehow this detail had slipped his mind while he was parking his bike and climbing up the stairs. It had taken up all his nerves to come here, surely the world could have paid him back by having Magnus at home early for once. But no, of course. This wasn’t a fucking romcom.

Assuming that Magnus wouldn’t be kept in the office, Alec had one or two hours to wait in front of his door like a complete idiot, but he couldn’t convince himself to move, just in case luck was just a bit late. He wanted to see him as soon as possible, he wasn’t risking missing his return. He sat down on the floor next to the door and pulled out his phone, but there was no one he wanted to text or call. Without thinking he had wanted to write to Magnus, before remembering that no, he couldn't do that right now. So he just fiddled with the device, refreshing his mail box, cutting off the internet connection so that he could play the little dinosaurs on Chrome since there wasn't a single game installed on the thing.

When Magnus did arrive, Alec was simply staring into the void, spacing off completely, so much that he didn't even hear him go up the stairs and jumped out of his skin when his legs appeared in front of him.

Alec looked up slowly to see Magnus staring down at him, a mixture of annoyance and wariness badly dissimulated on his face.

Despite the situation, despite the fact that they were still very much fighting, that Magnus was angry at him with good reasons and that there was no guarantee he’d forgive him, Alec was still absurdly relieved by the sight. Magnus hadn't fled to another country, he was okay with seeing him, he was fine.

"Hi."

He couldn't hold back the faintest smile, and he was surprised, but pleased, when it startled a small smile out of Magnus as well.

"Hey."

.

Most of the time, Magnus was really grateful to be such a gifted liar and actor. It had avoided him a lot of trouble in his life, and helped him get away with many things.

But sometimes, he just wished he wasn’t so good at hiding his feelings when he wanted to.

The better part of a week had past, and no one had noticed anything amiss with him. He couldn’t really blame his friends and colleagues, he thought – he was an open book, usually. And over sharer. Since he hadn’t said anything, they had no reason to believe there was a problem.

Strangely enough, he only kept the biggest things to himself.

Alec hadn’t called. Hadn’t texted, hadn’t said anything. Magnus hadn’t either of course, but he felt justified in that. It had to be Alec who reached out, who made the first move. He was the one in the wrong, the one who had things to apologize for. Magnus didn’t get why it was taking him so long. He just had to fire a quick message, “I’m sorry, won’t happen again”, and bam, it would be done. What was taking him so long? It was starting to make him antsy, worried.

He was on his way up to his loft, checking his phone, again, and almost tripped over Alec’s leg in the corridor.

Of course he would decide to drop by instead of putting technologies to use like a normal person. They were on for a great talk.

.

Realizing how ridiculous they had to look, Alec scrambled to his feet while Magnus went to unlock his door. He hesitated to follow, and Magnus turned to stand in the doorway, unsure himself.

"Maybe we could... go in? To talk?" Alec asked quietly, figuring he had to be the one to move things ahead. He really hoped Magnus wouldn't make him stand awkwardly in the hallway. The man sized him up, pondering for a few moments, but he eventually disappeared inside the loft, leaving the door wide open - Alec took it as an invitation.

It was far form the first time he went in there, but it was the first time he felt so unwelcomed. He didn't go for the couch – the couch was for nice stuff. He opted for the kitchen counter. In a few minutes Magnus had two mugs of tea in front of them – at this point it was a reflex more than anything.

The silence went on and on and Alec was convinced he was never gonna be able to break it, but it only took Magnus opening his mouth like he wanted to talk for his words to come rushing in, afraid of what Magnus’s own would be.

“I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry, I never wanted to hurt you or lie to you and I’m not even sure why exactly I did. I was protecting Jace because that’s what I do, that’s what I’ve always done and I doubt it will ever change even if it looks like he doesn’t deserve it. Whatever the reason, it was bad for me to lie to you and I understand you’re mad, I’m sorry.”

It left him a little out of breath since his throat felt closed off and as dry as the desert. He wanted to say much more but it was only variations on the same theme. He also wanted to beg Magnus not to break up with him, but there was no way he was ever uttering words like that. So he waited, silent and anxious, for Magnus to answer, which he did after a terribly long amount of time.

“I’m not mad.”

Alec frowned, puzzled.

“You’re not?”

“Well I’m a little mad. But I don’t want to fight.”

Alec’s frown deepened. Magnus looked strangely defeated, and almost disinterested, like he couldn’t care less about what was happening. Alec thought briefly that maybe him yelling would have been better.

"Hum, okay but... We still have to talk about it."

"Do we?"

Alec opened his mouth but didn't find anything to say. Of course they did? As much as he hated it, he was still a firm believer that you had to talk things out to solve them, and he had come here determined to do just that. He hadn't expected Magnus wouldn't want to. If anything, Alec should have been the one to try to get out of this.

"Yeah we... we do. I don't want... I want to explain things, to apologize properly. I don't want to leave things like this, it's not..."

He didn't understand why Magnus seemed so unconcerned. Wasn't it obvious, what he was saying?

"Don't you... want that? To know, to... to understand?”

Magnus only shrugged. There was something completely unnatural in the way he was moving, in the expression of his face, something out of place Alec could see and feel even if he couldn’t pinpoint it exactly.

"I don't really care."

Now Alec wasn't very perceptive and could be quite dense, but he was fairly sure that wasn't true.

"What do you mean?"

"Just that. You can tell me things or keep them to yourself, or lie. It's fine, really. I don't mind."

It should have sounded ironic, sarcastic, accusing, but it really didn't. In fact, despite the fact that Magnus clearly thought none of it, it really looked like he wanted to be convincing, like he hoped he could persuade Alec to let it go.

"What? No it's not. It's not fine. I was... I was wrong. I shouldn't have lied."

"Yeah, I guess."

Against his better judgment, Alec was getting increasingly angrier. Magnus's apparent carelessness set him on edge, distant as it was to what he had anticipated.

"You're telling me you don't care about what happened?"

The sudden briskness of his tone seemed to startle Magnus a bit out of his affected nonchalance.

"I'm telling you that I don't want to," he answered, getting worked up himself.

"What?"

"I don't want to fight. I don't want to care. You lied, and even if it wasn't something bad, you still made me think you were someone different than who you really are, and since I can't begin to understand why you would do that, I'd rather let it go. I don't get it, ok? I don't get that you could possibly think at the time, I don’t get what you and your siblings have, chances are I never will. So yeah, fine. I'm letting it go."

It didn't feel like that at all.

"I can explain," Alec said weakly.

"Can you?"

"Well I can try. I want to."

"And what if I don't want to hear it?"

Alec was almost going to say that it was fine then. After all they could do just that, forget the whole incident, pretend that it didn't happen, and eventually talk about it later, without really naming it, tiptoe until it didn't hurt anymore. It was a tactic Alec was well acquainted with - it's how most of the arguments between the members of their family went. They yelled and argued and spewed terrible things at each other, and then they did as if nothing had happened.

And how did it bode for them, Alec wondered. They didn't talk about it but the words, the actions, they stayed. He was well aware of it, as he was aware how much "I don't care" was a lie in those situations. And how he hated when he heard “let's forget about it" like they could really do that, like they weren't leaving open wounds to fester quietly on the side, nourished by more and more unspoken words and aborted apologies.

Besides, he had to do as Lily told him.

"Well I'll tell anyway," he heard himself saying. "You'll hear it and do what you want with it but I... I don't believe you. That it's all the same to you. That's not true. You say that, but it's not true."

He hoped he sounded more confident than he felt.

.

Magnus had been fully prepared to sweep it all under the rug.

At first he had been angry. He had raged and ranted and cursed the entire world, paced his loft angrily while snarling to himself, fists tight and face scrunched up in a frown. He had been disappointed and mad, and hurt, and sad, but it had not lasted long.

Very quickly, he had just grown tired.

It was telling that he hadn’t called any of his friends to complain about this. That’s what he did, usually. After a fight, he called Ragnor to rant, Raphael to bitch or Catarina to whine, and then he felt better. But he hadn’t, because he wouldn’t have even known what to complain about, where to begin. And he simply wasn’t capable of dealing with any variation of “I told you so”, no matter the subtlety or the humor behind it.

What had they warned him about anyway? That this one would be no different than any other? But he was, wasn’t he? Magnus had been lied to and cheated on a number of times, but never that way. He even had been robbed of reasons to be angry for it because Alec had done the noble thing, had thrown himself under the bus, lied to protect someone who didn’t look very deserving in Magnus’s eyes. What was up with that?

He was used to deceivers, but this, he wasn’t used to at all.

And at the end of the day, it still hurt. It hurt so damn much, because he felt like he had shared a lot of himself with Alec, and Alec had lied about the most basic things. Right at the beginning. Magnus felt entirely vulnerable, on the wrong scale of the balance, and like he had given way too much, trusted too much power into Alec’s hands. 

And he didn’t get it. He got selfish or petty people, players, pathological liars. But this he didn’t get at all.

So he had been on board with just sending this away and don’t lose sleep over it, because he had just been reminded that Alec would hurt him like everyone else had, which was just as well, and now he could go back to being just as distrustful and hopeless to see it work out as he had always been.

It was, of course, without counting in Alec Fucking Lightwood.

The simple fact that he was here in person to talk things out was astonishing in itself. That he didn’t want to just call it a day and instead subject them both to a dreadful heart-to-heart was bordering on insane.

“Why?” he found himself asking, even if it made no sense. Alec was beyond confused by his reaction, and losing the small amount of confidence he had scrambled together to come here.

“Well we…we have to talk about it no? It’s… what you’re supposed to do. Work things out. Not hide things, and not lie. And I haven’t been very good at it so I’m trying to repair that now…”

It occurred to Magnus then that maybe, in that extraordinary world where Alec Lightwood lived, couples couldn’t stay together if they lied.

What a wild concept.

“I just assumed that you wouldn’t want to talk about it. I can’t imagine that it will be pleasant, and I guess you had your reasons to lie and that they haven’t changed all that much. It’s okay if you want to keep it to yourself.”

“I’m not saying that I’ll unload all of my life story right now but… and of course it’s not that I want to… Well, I do but… Why is it so complicated? I don’t understand why you’re against this.”

“It’s not that I am…”

“What is it then?”

“For fuck’s sake, I’m giving you a way out! Why won’t you just take it?”

Somehow it was a wrong thing to say. Alec’s face and composure crumbled into a mess of puzzlement and hurt, and Magnus realized too late how that sounded.

“Wait, that’s not…”

Not what? Not what he meant? What did he mean exactly? The aborted sentence did nothing to reassure Alec, who took a few steps back, like he was facing a dangerous animal he didn’t want to spook.

“Okay. Well I’ll… be out, then. I… Okay. I’m leaving. Yeah.”

Magnus couldn’t believe himself, couldn’t believe that he said nothing, just watched Alec leave, shoulders down and eyes shining, and said nothing at all. The door closed, leaving him alone in his empty loft.

He took out his phone and called Catarina.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. Life is hard. Was I influenced by a current conflict in my life that doesn't seem it will be resolved anytime soon? Who knows. Why do we bother with people. I should go live under a rock.
> 
> Comments are much appreciated. It me up on [tumblr](http://inrainbowz.tumblr.com) and see you soon, I hope.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even more talking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS. GUYS. This thing is now over 100k long. Do you realize what that means? You probably don't because we don't know each other but for me it's huge. My longest fic before that was 40k long, and long fics aren't generally my thing. So this is huge and I'm very proud, and also a bit scared because I think we're about halfway through? Who knows haha not me.
> 
> I'm working like crazy but things are fine, better. I hope to get the next chapter out soon too. Thank you all so much for your comments and supports on the last one, I'm so glad this has been so well received and hope it will continue being so. Enjoy!

“Was there ever any of my boyfriends or girlfriends that you liked?”

Catarina stared at him with a worried gaze, startled by the question. Magnus wasn’t looking at her, eyes lost in the distance towards the blinding white of the cloudy sky.

“They weren’t all terrible,” she said cautiously while she racked her head to remember if any of them had left more than a passing impression on her. She was surprised to find out how hard it was – surely there had been at least one she had found more than vaguely tolerable.

 “There’s quite the gap between “likable and liked” and “not terrible”. I don’t know, one you could have been friends with. One you were sad to see leave.”

“I don’t know… Imasu was nice but…”

“But he broke my heart so bad it would have been complicated to keep him as a friend.”

That was very true. Most of Magnus’s break-ups were messy ones, it usually struck down any point his partners might have scored in his friends’ book. She thought about it again for a moment but had to declare defeat.

“No. I don’t think so, no.”

He sighed deeply. He looked like he had expected the answer but it still hurt anyway. She had never thought about it this way, but it was in fact pretty disturbing.

They were sitting in the two armchairs near the window of her living room, sipping tea. Gone were the times when they could get plastered and still work efficiently the next day, so alcohol would have to wait until the weekend. Tea it was for now. He had called, distressed and agitated, to ask if they could meet, and when she’d come back home at the end of her shift he was already waiting by the door.

She had had a feeling that the meeting hadn’t gone so well when he hadn’t mentioned it at lunch the following day, but she hadn’t asked. He had a right to a reprieve if he didn’t want to talk about it, something she had made sure their friends were aware of. It had gone bad all right, but not at all the way she would have expected, and she understood why he had kept it to himself, and why he was so lost.

“He came by to apologize, but we fought again because I wanted to brush off the whole story and he insisted on talking.”

Yeah, she supposed that fitted the man. She didn’t know him well by any mean, but she was a fine judge of character. Specifically, she could tell pretty quickly at least the type of person they were, fitting them in archetypal but no less accurate literary profile. The dreamer-loser, the likable asshole, the perfect and lovable girl. Her friend often joked she could get rich publishing her theory on human categories.

Alec was somewhere between “too good for his own good” and “lovable-troubled cinnamon roll”.

“I am reevaluating every single one of my dating choices until now,” Magnus said with a touch of irony that couldn’t entirely hide the bitterness and vulnerability in his voice.

“He’s not perfect,” she pointed cautiously. This was new. Of course he always said the current partner was better than the last, which was textbook for at least trying to make a relationship work out, but this was different. Never before had he implied that all the others were mistakes in comparison.

“He’s the closest I’ve ever had. I don’t know how to deal with it.”

That was the problem of course. Magnus had far more experience with maintaining the illusion of harmony, appeasing, deflecting, pretending he didn’t care, pretending all was fine, than working on any couple issues he might have had. She could imagine how puzzling it could be for him, his partner demanding they talked and solved their issues instead of ignoring them. Truth be told, she would have pictured Alec Lightwood going along with the “all is fine” game, but maybe he was just braver than Magnus.

She kept that particular thought to herself.

“What are you going to do then?”

He shrugged. “Hear him out, I guess. Talk shit out. I hear that’s what you’re supposed to do.”

“Would do you good to be mature about it for once.”

He glared at her, offended. She raised an eyebrow, daring him to protest, a silent staring contest that ended with Magnus deflating in his chair with a defeated sigh, staring mournfully at the bottom of his cup.

“Was it my fault then?”

She almost made a joking comment about how it was always his fault, but was wise enough to avoid it. He wasn’t in a joking mood, at all.

“What?”

“Did I ruined it every time? By deflecting and refusing to face our issues. I don’t know, maybe I’m just undatable.”

“That’s not a word.”

He didn’t laugh.

“Okay Magnus, listen to me. Maybe communication is not your strength and it’s true you tend to run away from conflict when you shouldn’t, but you’re not… You’re not. Your biggest problem when it comes to dating is bad taste and bad luck, but even if responsibilities are shared in a break up, you’re not solely to blame.”

She had known for awhile that this running joke among them about Magnus’s terrible dating history was more harm than fun, and she regretted not insisting on putting an end to it. None of their friends were as hooked up on romance and love as Magnus was, and they were mocking it essentially because they didn’t really get it. Ragnor was pathologically a loner, and she herself mostly had long but passionless relationships. She wanted comfort and simplicity, and it always ended smoothly, once it had run its course. As for Rafael, she couldn’t pretend she understood his relationship with Simon, even if she could see it made them both happy, which was the only thing that mattered after all.

Magnus was the true romantic of them all. Looking for his soulmate, desperate to be loved, entirely and solely for himself, exclusively. It wasn’t such a far-fetched goal, but he was exceptionally bad at pursuing it.

He also wasn’t listening to her, and that wouldn’t do.

“Magnus.” She went to kneel beside him, took his hands in hers. He was a leech for physical contact, especially when upset. He gripped her tight. “You are not unlovable.”

He made a wounded sound, avoiding her gaze. “That’s not what I said.”

“But that’s what you think.”

He almost denied it. “Maybe,” he reluctantly agreed instead. She smiled sadly.

“You’re not.”

“Whatever.”

“You’re not, Magnus.”

This time he didn’t answer, but he squeezed her hands tighter.

.

Alec was staring at his ceiling, again, and was feeling sorry for himself, again. Mostly though, he was just confused, and angry. At Magnus and at himself both, because Magnus should have been willing to sort things out and his refusal made no sense, but also because he had been foolish enough to think that there was anything he could do or say to make things better. He should have waited. Waited and waited some more, wait a thousand years. Then maybe Magnus would have reached out on his own instead of Alec ambushing him, and maybe things would have gone better.

_I’m trying to give you a way out._

At the moment he had been too shocked to do anything but flee. Magnus hadn’t stopped him. A way out from what? All he had heard was “a way out of this, a way out of us”, but maybe it wasn’t that? Maybe it was just a way out of the conversation, of that embarrassing moment and those embarrassing explanations. Well, maybe, but Alec wasn’t really an optimist, especially right now. Magnus hadn’t stopped him.

He was waiting, he didn’t know for what, and he could do nothing all. He lied in his bed and stared at his ceiling, and thought about how he would have to go to school the next day, to talk to people, to confront his friends and be productive, and how there was absolutely no way he would be able to do that.

How would he ever be able to forgive Jace if Magnus didn’t want him anymore? Now that was unfair, to them all. Magnus wasn’t responsible for his problems with Jace. Maybe he was right, maybe he didn’t have what it took to maintain a relationship. Maybe it was better that way.

Maybe if he repeated this often enough he could convince himself to believe it. It was just so nice, being with Magnus. He just wanted it so much.

He was waiting. Maybe he would wait a thousand years.

Or not. His phone rang. It was Magnus.

Alec almost didn’t answer. Talking on the phone was even worse than talking in person, and whatever it was Magnus wanted to tell him, he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it. But it was ridiculous – he had gone there, hadn’t left him a choice, and Magnus had heard him out. Or let him in, at least. He couldn’t deny him now.

“Hello?”

“Hey. It’s me.”

Words deserted him completely. He drew a total blank – he probably wouldn’t have been able to recall his own name if pressed. So he said nothing. The static filled silence of the phone echoed in his ear, the faint sound of Magnus breathing, but they stayed mute. For a second he was convinced Magnus had simply hung up, until he heard a faint feminine voice in the background urging him to “say something, you idiot”. He thought he recognized Catarina.

“Yeah, listen,” Magnus rushed, “I didn’t want to leave things as they were. I… I have to apologize. For the way I reacted earlier. You did the brave thing by showing up and I turned you down. It wasn’t… I’m sorry. We should meet again. We’ll talk, for real, I promise.”

Catarina had surely put him up to this, just like Lily had sent himself to his door. Curiously, the fact that Magnus had had to call a friend to the rescue eased some of the dread he felt at his own incompetence. He was so relieved he felt lightheaded for a moment, some hope finding its way back to his bleak thoughts. He wasn’t thinking when he spoke again.

“I can be at your place in half an hour.”

There was a long, tensed silence during which Alec had all the time necessary to realize how clingy and desperately eager he sounded, and feel his throat close around his retraction.

“I… are you sure? It’s pretty late.”

“Yeah no, you’re right, sorry I shouldn’t have.”

“No, no, you know what let’s… let’s do that.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Okay”

Alec was back in his shoes the next moment. He shrugged on his coat and only bothered to scream a “be back later” through the house on his way out. He kept repeating that he’d be there very soon, like Magnus was somehow going to disappear if Alec took too long. He was never more grateful for his bike, even if it meant he had to cut the call short, with a last promise that he would be there shortly.

.

Magnus hung up his phone and stared at it, too stunned to do much else.

“Why do I listen to you,” he wondered aloud. Catarina huffed.

“You don’t. I told you to talk to him. What was that?”

“We will. Talk. He’s on his way.”

She gaped at him, trying to understand how that could possibly be the outcome of this conversation. She had just convinced him to call Alec right away, not to leave the poor boy wondering if they were done or not.

“Right now?”

At least Magnus looked as dumbstruck as she felt. “Yeah. Right now.”

It was past eleven in the evening.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea?”

He needed more time she thought, to get ready, to prepare what he was going to say. The boy had to be desperate, to be willing to cross town again at this hour. He was scoring more points in Catarina’s book by the minute, even if she still wasn’t convinced it was a good thing for Magnus.

Her friend didn’t look too sure either. Well if he was doubting, it was her job not to – whatever her opinion, he needed reassurance and she would provide it. So she stood up to gather her things and give back at least the illusion of action to the still room. It shook him out of his musing.

“All will be fine Magnus. You can do this,” she promised on her way out. She was pleased to find out she really believed it.

Magnus opened the door for her, and as she was busy trying to infuse him with some more courage through eye contact, she almost collided into Alec, who started talking immediately. “I’m sorry, I realize now how rude it is to come over at this hour and this could have waited until tomorrow but…”

There was a pause, quite comical really, when they all blinked and stared at each other with various degrees of bewilderment. She was the first to recover.

“I’ll leave you to it then. Good to see you Alec.”

She attempted a friendly smile and hoped her greeting didn’t sound too stilted or threatening – she didn’t want to make him uncomfortable but she couldn’t entirely keep the warning from her voice either. He was probably too overwhelmed already to care much though, or even notice. Alec and Catarina exchanged places and Magnus cast her a last panicked look before the door closed on them both. She chuckled to herself. She had a good feeling about this.

.

“I’m sorry if I’m intruding,” Alec apologized again. Magnus should have counted the number of times they had said sorry over the course of the day, make it a contest. He sighed, trying not to sound too worn out. Indeed it would have been better to wait until the next day, but here they were now.

“Don’t be.”

Magnus regretted calling. It was Catarina’s fault really. She was so much wiser than him, he couldn’t not do as she said. He didn’t have to like it though.

“I shouldn’t have come here unannounced in the first place I… I wanted to give you time, and wait, but… ha, it’s a friend of mine, she convinced me to come and…”

“Alec, it’s fine. Don’t worry.”

Shit, he sounded too harsh. But he was tired and worn out – he wanted to get this over with. Alec shrunk back on himself and Magnus mentally cursed. He was the worst.

“Say your piece. I’m listening.”

“Are… are you sure? I guess Catarina convinced you but… It’s fine if you don’t want to.”

“She… made some valid points. You did too.”

“I didn’t mean to force your hand. I… I’m sure you had your reasons.”

Magnus held back a frustrated sigh. Why was it that he was the one passing for an inexperienced and weak willed fool? Hell, maybe he was. He certainly felt like it, and his only comfort was that for all his words, Alec looked like he had it worse – he was going to end up with a broken finger if he kept on twisting his hands like that. They were still standing by the door. What a fine pair of idiots they made.

“Let’s leave that for another time. You were the one who had things to say.”

Magnus thought Alec was going to protest and maybe divert the conversation entirely, but he easily agreed.

Why was this man so infuriating.

“I’m always going to take too seriously my job as the oldest brother,” Alec said suddenly. It wasn’t really what Magnus was expected. Of course Alec was just diving in headfirst “I feel responsible for them. Always have, all the time. They used to call me Dad, just to rile me up, but it stopped being funny because it was true. My parents are... It's not that they stopped caring, or that they don't love us but things happened, they had a lot going on, and it was too hard making, dealing with us, on top of it all. Jace and Izzy had one hell of a teenage rebellion, Jace especially.”

Magnus regretted not suggesting they sat down somewhere – it was too late now. He shouldn’t have called. It was so much easier to just look the other way, to not listen and not care.

Alec rather looked like he never took the easy way out.

“It was not the first time I protected one of them this way, took the blame, lied. But it was… It was really bad. What happened. I know it must sound stupid to you now, but I just didn’t feel like sharing this story for them. Be it for Jace or for Izzy, to people that don’t know them… it didn’t seem fair.”

“And lying was?”

“You wouldn’t believe it but I’m not a liar, at all. Mostly because I can’t make it work. But I do what I have to, for them.”

“Tell me what really happened,” Magnus asked. "With Izzy's boyfriend and Jace. Let’s pretend your brother didn’t say anything and that you would have told me, eventually.”

“I would have.”

“Alec…”

“No, really. I would have, I swear.”

“Okay. Okay, I believe you.”

He wasn’t sure of that and Alec wasn’t either, but he let it go.

“I don’t think I’ve ever liked any of Izzy’s boyfriends but I never got involved, never really cared. Until she came home crying, with a bruise darkening around her eye. I thought the world was ending and Jace… Jace was the one who flipped out. He’s always had trouble with anger and violence but I had never seen him like that. I followed him because I knew, I just knew he was going to do something stupid. He cornered the guy at the foot of his building. Took him by surprise. It wasn't much of a fight. I could barely restrain him."

Magnus didn’t want to hear more. Or well, maybe he did, but he didn’t want Alec to keep talking. He looked like telling this story physically strained him.

“I took a few blows myself. I remember that for the briefest moment, just a second, I really believed that my brother was going to kill someone.”

Very distantly, Magnus reflected to himself that he had a knack for dating people with the worst stories ever.

"I don't know who called the cops on us but I heard the sirens and I panicked. I had to think fast. Jace fucked up a lot when he was a teenager, he already had a record. He was going to go to jail. Jace couldn't go to jail. I think... He was always so close to the brink. It would have ruined his life. I shoved him hard enough to bring him out of his craze and I told him to run. He looked like he wasn’t getting what was happening around him. I pushed him away, told him to hide. And I… I told the guy that… that if he went along and said I was the one he was fighting with, Izzy wouldn’t press charges like I knew she’d want to.”

.

Had he made the wrong choice then? Hadn’t he, for all intent and purposes, picked Jace over Izzy? Dismiss her to help him? He didn’t know. Izzy had been livid. Forced to stay quiet, to pay for Jace's mistakes and for Jace's sake. She had focused all of her anger on Jace for getting them into this mess, but those first few days she was enraged at him too. He talked her out of telling the truth to the cops multiple times. It was too late to change the story – it would have made things even worse.

He often regretted making that choice, but they had to live with it.

“Jace’s girlfriend Clary, her stepdad is a detective at the local precinct. He was the one in charge of the case. I don’t think he ever bought that I was the one who did it – he picks up Jace from fights all the time. But our stories matched, made it look like it was just an argument going overboard. I got community service, and we tried to move on.”

With admittedly very little efficiency.

“I lied because I was ashamed,” Alec admitted out of the blue. It was something he had pondered for a long time but he had never voiced it aloud. Telling the story to an outsider made it sound so terrible, so backward and wrong, and he understood only then that was the reason why he had kept it all to himself. “We fucked up. We lied, and then kept it a secret and did our best not to talk about it, ever. It was wrong.”

Alec took several breaths, trying to calm himself down.

“I’m… sorry if I made you feel like I couldn’t trust you, or like you couldn’t trust me. That I deceived you, and hurt you. It had nothing to do with you I just… at the time I couldn’t think of saying anything else. You’re actually the first person I’ve told this story to.”

And how sad that was. None of his friends, no one from his family had heard about this. They had dealt with it all on their own.

“I don't understand what came to Jace, why he went at you like that. He was good lately, happy and enthusiastic and carefree again, and I thought..."

Maybe it was his fault? He had antagonized Jace the previous night, had dismissed him. Maybe he had been too harsh?

No, no, said Izzy’s voice in his head. No. No matter Jace's wounded pride or feelings, there was no excusing his behavior. It was not Alec's fault.

He repeated that to himself a few times.

“I’m sorry you had to hear about all this that way. And about how Jace treated you.”

“I think that’s enough apology.”

Alec froze, words blocked on his throat. He couldn’t decipher Magnus’s tone – couldn’t tell if this was an attempt at a joke or real annoyance. He tried to speak a few times, to no avail.

Magnus sighed, long and forlorn. Alec could see him debating with himself, maybe trying to decide what to do. He felt quite helpless. He had never had a way with words and feelings, and it was terrifying to think that maybe their whole thing was now suspended to that, to his ability to convey his thoughts, or lack of thereof.

“Can I even be angry with you? Really, it’s ridiculous. I found out about this huge lie you told me and it turns out it was hiding the fact that you’re even more of a decent guy than I thought you were.”

In other circumstances, it could have rung like a compliment but Alec could only hear resentment, bitterness.

“I’m used to it you know.” At Alec’s interrogative gaze, Magnus elaborated. “Being disappointed. You’re unlike anyone I have ever dated, but that doesn’t meant I wasn’t waiting for it this time too.”

Alec frowned, displeased. That wasn’t very fair. He said nothing, waiting.

“I can’t say I understand you. I have no siblings, have never cared about someone the way you care about yours. So maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about but… this doesn’t seem very healthy to me.”

“I know that. At the very least, even if I don’t do anything to change it, at the very least I know.”

“I meant what I said. About you needing to sort through this.”

Before getting involved in a relationship, was what he had added then in front of Alec’s house. Alec felt his panic rise again.

His first instinct was to give up. To follow what Magnus wanted and advised, to go with it. He wasn’t much of a fighter, he hated to insist, to argue.

“Do… You want us to break up then?” he asked bluntly instead, because that was the only thing he truly wanted know, the only thing that mattered at the moment.

“Don’t you think it would be wiser?” Magnus asked anyway, but Alec wanted to believe he didn’t really look thrilled by the suggestion.

“Maybe. But I…” He inhaled deeply, exhaled, looked around. “I don’t want to.”

There, he had said it. If Magnus wanted things to end he couldn’t fight it, but Magnus had to know, had to hear…

“I like you. And I like being with you and I don’t… I gave up a lot, at times, for Izzy and Jace. She’s always telling me I have to stop putting them before everything else, to think about myself for once and well… I guess I… I’d do that. For you.”

He felt the urge to run back to his house, to his siblings and his place as a caretaker. To drop it all because they needed him, to forego as always what he needed himself, or wanted. But that thing, with Magnus… He couldn’t give up on that. Not yet.

“Please. Please just… Just give me another chance. I’ll make it up to you, I swear.”

.

The thing was, Magnus already knew he would forgive him anyway.

That’s what he did, that’s what he always did. He raged and cursed and promised himself he wouldn’t let it pass this time, but deep down he was too damn eager to just believe any excuses they would come up with and forgive them easily. He would ignore it, lie to himself, anything to maintain the illusion that everything was fine and that they cared, that it was a one time thing. He could do that over and over again until finally, at long last, it was one time too many and he brutally woke up and realized things would never change.

Often enough realization came because of his friends shaking him up like a tree.

Of course, it meant that his partners never worked too hard for it. Alec was arguing like his life depended on it, and it made Magnus feel very weak. And quite lost. He wished he had Catarina or Raphael in his head, watching the scene on a big screen in a hidden room of his apartment and telling him what to do, what to think and say.

“Alright.”

Magnus saw Alec open his mouth, ready to argue again. It was adorable really. He closed it when he registered Magnus’s words and opened it again a few more times without much success. Magnus was overwhelmed with the urge to touch him.

So he did just that. He raised a hand to take Alec’s gently, smiled as the contact made him jump slightly before he relaxed, reassured after looking at Magnus that the worst was, somehow, past, for now.

Magnus didn’t think he would be so relieved, and yet here he was.

“I guess the meeting with your siblings could have gone better,” Magnus piped gently, desperate to ease some of tension clogging the air between them. Alec let out an embarrassed laugh.

“I swear it won’t always be that bad.”

“You want to try that again?”

Alec ducked his head, sheepish, but answered with a firm voice. “Yes. They’ll have to get used to it.”

Magnus wasn’t sure he was on board with their relationship being this kind of bait to Alec’s usual self, like he had something to prove. But he didn’t see it have any terrible consequences right away, so he could wait and see. And, well, it was kind of the same thing for him. He wanted to be wrong, this time. Wanted, so badly, to prove and be proven that he could have a normal, healthy relationship with a nice, decent person.

Alec looked sideways, nervously, worrying his lips between his teeth. “What is it?” Magnus enquired. Alec wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I was… just wondering. If it’d be okay for me to kiss you.”

Magnus couldn’t fight a smile. Maybe it would all be fine.

.

Alec was forced to wonder if fighting as a couple meant taking ten steps in their relationship every single time.

It wasn't a very reassuring thought.

Then again, maybe it was just him. He was the one who was as stilled and awkward as when they had started dating. He didn't know why, but he just couldn't relax. What was he supposed to do? Were they okay, really? Had Magnus forgiven him, were they back where they had left off or did he have to behave a certain way, to grovel some more, look properly contrite? He had no idea. He was completely out of his depths, and he was terrified that Magnus would call him out on it.

For now it wasn't happening – they were enjoying Thai take out on the floor. Not sitting on the couch, that had to be a sign. The couch was for nice things, nice times, and those weren't, yeah? They weren’t talking but the silence wasn't tense either. Well Magnus wasn't tense – Alec felt like a stretched out rubber band, ready to snap and curl into a pathetic little ball of cheap plastic.

They had "kissed and made up" as the saying went, but he didn't really feel any better. He was torn between the relief of Magnus's forgiveness and the absurd impression that it shouldn't have been that simple, that he still had to suffer some kind of punishment or pain for what he had done. He was also very anxious to contemplate that every fight would make him feel this way - he wasn't a fool as to believe there wouldn't be others, and he was lucid enough to realize that was no normal way to feel. He had screwed up, apologized in earnest, Magnus had listened and accepted it eventually, and that was that. Why did his mind feel the need to drag this on.

Magnus had been especially eager to seal there reconciliation and they had made out for a good hour before thinking about doing anything slightly more productive. Even then he had been cuddly and over tactile, blissful like he had truly forgotten about the whole thing. Maybe that was what didn't sit right with Alec.

"Do you want to stay the night?"

He raised his head form his noodle container, taken off guard by the sudden request. "What?"

"Stay. The night. Here. With me?" Magnus said slowly, grinning.

"I… Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that."

He didn’t, but there was no way he could say no. He wasn't going to say no to anything for some time. If Magnus wanted him to stay...

But did he, really?

"Good."

They finished eating and Magnus soon got it into his head to relocate them to his bed. He had that smile, playful and earnest, that he had when he was thinking about having sex. And that was good, a good thing. Make-up sex, yeah?

Alec didn't feel too good.

Magnus walked backward to the bedroom, leading Alec by the hand, and they tripped on Magnus’s cat on the way, getting an angry hiss from it that they both ignored. Magnus sat down on the bed and pulled Alec to him so that the younger man was standing between his open legs. He tugged at his shirt until Alec bent down to kiss him, wrapping his arms around his neck quickly, effectively trapping him down. Alec went to push forward so that he could crawl on top of him, but even with Magnus's smile pressed against his mouth, Magnus’s hands wandering about his body, even with the pleased little sounds coming out of his throat, he still couldn't convince himself that everything was fine, that it was truly okay.

In a sudden flash of self-illumination, Alec realized that he simply didn't trust what Magnus said.

It wasn't that he thought he was lying. Just that despite all his words, he never knew what Magnus really thought. His boyfriend had clearly stated at first that he just wanted to get over their fight and move on regardless of his apologies or explanations.

That was it. The problem. Alec didn't know if he had truly convinced Magnus, changed his mind, reached out to him, or if Magnus had just... ceded. To have peace, to shut him up, to be done with it. He didn't know. And that couldn't be.

"Wait, wait."

He stood back up, trying to ignore Magnus’s slight disappointment and his pouting mouth that begged to be kissed again. It couldn't go that way.

"What is it?"

"Do you believe that I'm sorry?"

He felt stupid for being so insistent. Here he was making his apologies about him when it was supposed to be Magnus's call, to be for his sake, for him to do what he pleased with it. So what if he didn’t believe it? Alec couldn't force him to accept them.

Well, he could try.

“I just… I’d like to understand. Why you didn’t want us to talk, why you reacted the way you did.”

Magnus sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. Alec hoped he hadn’t made him mad again – he wasn’t looking for another fight. He really, really wasn’t. Magnus slumped down until his forehead rested against Alec’s stomach and his next words were muffled by the fabric of Alec’s jumper.

“I guess I just wanted the easy way out.”

Alec didn’t like the sound of that. He wanted to keep asking, try to understand, but now maybe wasn’t the best of times.

“I…” He stumbled on his words, embarrassed. “I want us to work out.”

It didn’t make much sense but Magnus got it anyway, because he raised his head and there was a fond look on his face, something a little awed and little wary, and Alec remembered that after all, Magnus wasn’t much more confident in this than he was himself.

“Me too,” he said, solemn.

“Do you believe me? When I say that?”

“I do. Do you?”

He thought about it, but only briefly. There was no way to know the truth of one’s mind and thoughts. They could chose to believe. Chose to trust.

“Yeah.”

He bowed back down to kiss him again, and it felt like sealing a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is my utter confusion at relationship and love showing in this. Don't get your hopes up people shit is far from done! Also I've said it already and I'll say it again, writing sex scene is not something I enjoy or particularly care for, so there won't be much more than what you've already seen. Most of it will be ellipsed, sorry. See you soon!


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sensitive subjects make sensitive conversations (and arguments).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooooo people !  
> Guess who's back? That's right, and upgraded with a double degree no less! School is officialy over for me, and I'm enjoying some much deserved down time before moving on to the next step in life (which means going back to my parent's, in my case).
> 
> So here is finally the next chapter.
> 
> PLEASE READ THE WARNING
> 
> So, another reason why this chapter took its sweet time is that I'm awfuly nervous about posting it, and not only because I had a terrible time trying to wrap what happened in the few previous ones and moving on to the next part (problem) of the story (the transition might feel awkward, I don't know). I hesitated for a long time but I decided to go with it, so please be aware that from now on this story will deal, to the best of my abilities, with mental illness, specifically bipolar disorders and its consequences, anf not all characters will react well to it. I know some of you might be uncomfortable with the subject, and even if I'm writing from personnal experience and research, I'm in no way an expert. For now it's only mentionned but please feel free to comment on it if need be. Stay safe and enjoy!

When Magnus woke up with Alec next to him but not touching him at all, he felt awful.

He had pushed so hard, the previous day, been so demanding, and Alec hadn’t pushed back at all. He’d taken it in stride, adamant to be heard and understood, forgiven. And it wasn’t right, was it? He had gone too far, probably. Since Alec had said nothing, he couldn’t know for sure.

No, no, that wasn’t right. He had been too far, that was all. But Alec…

Magnus had been expecting him to push back, and he hadn’t. Was he unable to set his own limits himself? It all seemed so foolish now, so out of proportion. He didn’t know what to think, but he had to apologize. Right now.

Right now, as he was gazing at Alec eating pancakes over his cup of tea. There had to be a rule somewhere that forbade people to broach a sensitive subject at breakfast. If there wasn’t already he surely would invent it after this.

“I wanted to apologize again. About how I reacted when you came here. You tried to reach out and I shut you out.”

“It’s… it’s fine. I shouldn’t have come unannounced, I…”

“Alec, please. You have to stop doing that. I was wrong, ok? I was wrong, and you were right. Don’t try and blame yourself. Not everything is on you.”

He sounded harsher than he intended to and Alec took it as a criticism. Magnus usually wasn’t so bad at getting his point across. Was Alec bad at understanding him or was Magnus bad at communicating with him? It was probably a bit of both.

“I… realize that I may have been… I never meant to break up with you. I’m sorry, I overreacted.”

“Huh, okay. I guess.”

“You don’t… think so?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t think about it.”

Magnus frowned. “Really?”

Alec looked up from his cup but didn’t meet Magnus’s eyes. When he talked again it was almost to himself, as an afterthought. “If you’re angry, I’ll try and calm you down. It doesn’t matter if it’s justified or not. It never has.”

“Okay. That’s weird.”

“Is it?”

Alec seemed very calm, far calmer than the previous night. Magnus had to wonder if he was used to deal with such crisis and outbursts, if it was normal for him. If he only played along and waited for the storm to pass, for the calm to come back after everything was said and done. It made Magnus feel terribly childish, and it couldn’t be healthy, if that how Alec dealt with every conflict in his life. But he wasn’t about to dive into their problematic way of handling confrontations just right now. “You’re not selfish enough, Alec,” he declared instead, only half-joking.

“I usually have Izzy’s voice in my head telling me things along those lines,” Alec said with a sheepish smile.

“I look forward to meeting her properly.”

“You’ll get along for sure, although I’m not convinced it’ll be such a good thing for me.”

They laughed a little, and Magnus almost gave up on broaching the other subject. He didn’t want to ruin the mood, wanted to keep things just as they were, easy and peaceful at last.

But he thought about Alec, pouring his heart out despite his fears and doubts because it was the right thing to do, and he thought about his mother. It would do no good delaying this.

It would probably always be like that with him. No half-truth, no keeping things hidden for the other’s sake, no escape. It was frightening and threatening, especially because if he wanted to do right by the man, he would have to start right now.

“Listen I… there’s something I wanted to ask you. About Jace."

"Huh? Yeah. Okay."

"You said that he was getting better yeah. Like, really better. Energized, over excited, suddenly enthusiastic."

"I guess."

"But before that he was pretty depressed right? Like he wasn't interested in anything, he pushed everyone away..."

"Yeah, he had a tough time. We all did, after... It was hard, and he took it the hardest."

Magnus could tell Alec was answering on automatic, always more at ease when he was asked pointed questions. Magnus wished the answers had been different though. He had a strange feeling of double vision, memories of other times and places resurfacing out of the blue. It wasn’t pleasant.

"Okay but... It's gonna sound weird but I'll ask anyway. Are there any people diagnosed with manic depression in your family?”

Alec, who was somehow half in half out of the conversation up until that point, suddenly dived right back in.

"What? Why the hell are you asking me that?"

"Are there or not?"

"No! I don't know, what does it have to do with anything?”

"It's just... your brother's behavior was very extreme and I've seen it before. Maybe it's more than just emotional reaction to what happened."

"More like what?"

"Has he ever seen a psychiatrist?” Magnus pushed, relentless. Seeing Alec's face, Magnus could as well have slapped him

"My brother's not crazy."

Magnus’s lips turned down in a displeased frown. This was exactly the kind of reaction he was hoping he would not get.

"That's not what I said.

“Then what are you saying? One outburst and you want to send him to the nuthouse?"

"It wasn't just one outburst! You told me he had anger management issues, violent tendencies. That he acted irrationally sometimes, had mood swings, that you didn't understand him at all."

"That's just how he is."

"Well maybe how he is is bipolar."

Magnus knew, by experience, that for most people he had just said an insult, and it looked like Alec was no different. He looked angry and scared, though toward who and for what, Magnus couldn't be sure.

"I can't believe this. Is that some kind of... of revenge? Of punishment? Why would you say something like that?"

"Because I think it's the truth. I think your brother needs help."

Magnus saw the moment when the conversation was over. Alec closed off, turning in on himself, and he knew the argument was lost.

"He doesn't need help. He’s got us."

It was finale. Alec grabbed his things and left in a hurry, movement clumsy with pent up anger and frustration. A moment later, Magnus was alone.

He sighed deeply, suddenly exhausted. He didn't really regret talking. Someone had to, and he just had had confirmation that that someone wouldn't be anyone from Alec's family. This conversation could maybe have waited for another time, when they weren’t already fighting. He refused to think it was a bit out of revenge – his doubts about Jace were founded.

He would just have to try again next time. One thing he knew for sure was that this kind of thing couldn't be ignored forever, no matter how much people wanted to.

He was suddenly gripped with the strange urge to call his stepfather, to ask for some news and give some in return. He couldn't remember the last time they had spoken, but it had been over a year ago. Like always, he simply let the urge pass, the need recede to a hidden part of his mind, to resurface again later. He never gave in to the idea. He never felt strong enough to deal with it.

He didn't feel strong enough to deal with Alec either, but this he was more willing to try anyway.

.

"Well? What happened? Did you make up with him?"

Alec hoped his gloomy expression was enough of an answer - he wasn't in the mood for giving her an account of what had transpired between Magnus and him. He was still riled up and confused, and he just wanted to go to bed, never mind that it was nine in the morning on a Friday.

Of course Izzy wasn't going to let it go though.

"What did he say? And you? Come on, tell me!"

He had a brief vision of horror of her getting in a litany of "tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me" like she used to do when she was a child. Once she kept asking for an entire hour before he eventually caved in and explain to her that no, Santa Claus wasn't real. She had known before Jace and had promptly used that knowledge to make him cry - he was still sore about it to this day. Jace was nothing if not persistent.

The vision was enough to prompt him into confession. That was the kind of power she had.

"I don't know. We made up over what happened and fought over something else. I guess we didn't solve anything. I stormed out."

She gave a disbelieving sound that made him frown angrily.

"You stormed out? You?" she asked with that tone he hated, that sounded like she assumed he was lying.

"Yes. I am capable of emotional reactions to discussions."

"Could have fooled me."

What was it with her today? Couldn't she tell now wasn't the time for her condescending teasing?

He sighed, trying to reign in on his temper. He didn't want to fight with her too on top of everything, and he knew she had a habit of reacting to his own shortcomings.

Besides, he actually felt like he had to discuss Magnus's accusations with her.

"Do you think Jace needs professional help?"

He expected the question to caught her off guard, to throw her off, but she answered on the spot.

"Of course. You too."

He jerked back, taken aback. "What?"

"Don't take it the wrong way, it's the same for me."

"What are you talking about?"

The way she looked at him made him feel like he was terminally stupid.

"Haven't you ever heard of a thing called grief counselling? I think they could do a textbook case on the way it was dealt with in our family. And Jace took even more shit than any of us. Of course he should seek some help, should have a long time ago."

She said it so casually, as if it was no big deal, as if she wasn't talking about Jace being so messed up he ought to see a shrink. He felt his temper rise, but it was too hard for him to get mad twice in a day, especially on the exact same subject. He settled for quiet disapproval.

"Just because some bad stuff happened doesn't mean he's crazy."

"Christ, Alec, don't be so retrograde. Recognizing you have issues you need help dealing with is not the same as saying he's a nutjob. For your information, going to a psychiatrist doesn't mean you're "crazy". And what if he was anyway? Is it for you to decide? Does it makes you uncomfortable?"

There was nothing he could answer to her, stunned as he was by her sudden reaction and accusations. Was it something in the air today that made everyone snappy and unbearable?

"Don't treat me like a fucking child. And since when are you adept of crying to someone else for them to solve your problems?"

"I've been seeing the campus psychologist once a week since the beginning of the term."

No matter what he did, the subject, how old they were, Izzy was always leading a conversation between the two of them. She constantly threw him off balance, forced him back on his defenses, mercilessly demanding, confronting. There had been a time at the peak of her adolescence when he had refused to talk to her for a while.

Usually she knew when she got this way with him and tried to amend it. She wasn’t going to today. If anything, she looked ready for war.

Fortunately for both of them, fighting was never Alec's answer to anything. Letting his anger fall to the side, forgotten, he focused on the distress in her posture, how defensive she looked after making a confession that left her feeling vulnerable, exposed. The subject touched her directly, she had already thought about it.

He felt very stupid all of the sudden.

“Oh. Okay.”

He imagined that wasn’t how she had imagined making that confession, if she had been planning to do it all. “Is it… is it helping?” he asked, curious.

“Yeah. I think so. If only because I get to talk about it without fear of being judged. She’s really nice, nothing surprises her. And she recommended you get some kind of help too, Jace especially. It’s not… It’s not right, the way he acts. You know it. I fear it’ll only get worse, and it scares me that I don’t know what he’ll do next time.”

That was probably Alec’s worst fear – that she’d grow to be afraid of their brother. She was right. They had to do something.

“He’ll never agree to this,” Alec breathed out.

“If he doesn’t want to lose us,” she said, determined, “he won’t have a choice.”

.

As luck would have it, they got a respite in working their project, but only because they were due the first draft of their thesis by mid-November. It gave Alec a very good and valid excuse to stay hold up in his room. It's not that he was hiding. He was avoiding Magnus, because he didn't know how they could go on from there, how he was supposed to act and what he was supposed to do. He was avoiding Lilly and Maia because of the conversation he didn’t want to have with them. He was avoiding Lydia because all he wanted to do was talk about Magnus and the thing he wanted absolutely was to avoid talking about Magnus, especially to her. He was also avoiding Jace, of course, or, well, Jace was avoiding him, which was for the best. And finally he was avoiding Izzy for good measure, because the worried look she kept casting his way unnerved him greatly.

Basically, he was hiding.

He wasn't the least sorry about it. He was suffering through every single sentence of his damn first draft, and he wasn’t about to deal with anything else at the moment. Just for a few days, he wanted to be left in peace. So much had happened lately, he had forgotten how much he actually liked to be alone and not interact with anyone at all. It had been a long time, and as much as he knew part of the appeal was avoiding the entire world, he also recognized he had be in dire need of it.

It couldn’t last forever though, obviously, but it wasn't interrupted by the person he expected. One afternoon he was jumping from website to website, gathering sources instead of writing, when there was a soft knock on his door.

"Can't talk right now Izzy," he called without turning away from his computer. He huffed when he heard the door open and turn on his chair to tell her off, but his protest died in his throat.

His mother was standing awkwardly in the doorframe, looking like entering the room was a life or death decision.

"Mom! Sorry. I thought it was Izzy."

She nodded with a small smile, dismissing the issue. For a while they stayed quiet and still, long enough for it to become terribly uncomfortable.

"Did you needed something?" he asked gently. He didn’t want to dismiss her, but her hesitation was troubling.

She seemed to come to a decision then, because she let go of the death grip she had on the door and stepped into his room.

He couldn't remember the last time she had done that.

"I just wanted to know if everything was okay. How you were, you know."

She looked so ill at ease, and he hated that. Why was it so hard for them? When did it become this way? He couldn’t remember, but he knew for sure it hadn't always been so.

"I’m fine. My thesis is mistreating me but... it's fine."

It was a terrible lie. He wasn't fine at all. There was a million things going on in his life and most of them weren't very pleasant, and none of them he could talk to her about. He lied very little in his life, but all the lies he told had to be to his mother. He usually found it so simple to tell the truth, much simpler than lying, but with her it was the opposite. Lies fell from his lips, one after the other, without him having to think about it. Because telling the truth simply was out of the question.

Now why was that so? Sometimes he knew, sometimes he didn't. Always he deplored it.

"Is everything okay with Lydia?"

“Yeah, yeah. She's working on her own thesis. It's not really something we can do together."

He didn't know why she was bringing her up, again. Probably because it was the only new development of his life that she was aware of.

"She seems like a very nice girl."

"She is. I like her. We're good friends."

"Friend?”

There was a question there, a question that he didn't like at all. She had a soft, knowing smile on her lips, like they were sharing a secret. He frowned.

"Yeah. Just friend."

"Really?"

He nodded, uncomfortable.

"You seemed... a little down lately. I was wondering if maybe you two had a fight."

A little down. That's what she always said. He didn't look a little down, he looked depressed and wary, but that she couldn't say. After Jace's father had died and he’d come to live with them, and he wouldn't go out of his room, attacking anyone who dared entered it, that’s what she told people. "He's a little down." And after Max’s death....

She had always been big on keeping up appearances above all else, but after his little brother died it had gone overboard. That's all she cared about, maybe she felt that's all she had left. She acted like they had to stay dignified and mild and pleasant, when Max had fucking died, and it was their fault. With her friend at the ring or the cashiers at the grocery store, it was always the same. "Are you alright?" "Just a little down."  
He believed it was part of the many reasons why they hadn't grieved him properly and still struggled with it to this day. Angel, Izzy was right, their family would make a rich man out of any therapist.

And the worst, the worst of it all, was that he always played along.

"I'm fine. Just tired."

Why? He wasn't fine. He was tired, but that had little to do with anything. She nodded with an understanding smile, like she was pleased he had told her, like she had learnt something.

"I can help you with that you know," she said, completely changing the subject, pointing at his computer screen.

"My thesis?"

"I can spell check it and correct your syntax. If you want."

She used do to that. She had been tireless on helping him achieve a decent level of writing despite his dyslexia, because it wasn't his teachers who were going to help. She had been the one to encourage him to read despite how hard it was for him and if he was such an avid reader now it was entirely thanks to her.

He felt the brief and sudden urge to get up and hug her. It quickly passed but it left a bitter ach in his mind and body.

"That... that would be great, actually. Thanks mom."

"And make up with your girlfriend," she added, on her way out of the room. Any budging peace and relief he was feeling left all at once.

"She's not my girlfriend. We're just friends."

"Okay, okay. It's alright. You can tell me when you want."

"I’m telling you she's not!" he shouted angrily. She immediately answered in kind.

"Don't talk to me like that!"

And here was the point they always went back to. That's usually when he turned his back on her, while Izzy and Jace tended to take the bait and escalate the whole thing into a shouting match.

He took a deep breath. This was ridiculous. He wasn’t a teenager anymore, he was almost twenty-four, it was ridiculous. He could talk to his mother, calmly.

"Mom, please. I'm telling you that she isn't my girlfriend. Can’t you just believe it?"

She looked surprised, and she nodded, but he could feel she didn't, probably thought he was hiding for whatever reason. Why wouldn't she? Why wouldn't she believe the girl he spent all his time with and got along with very well wasn't his girlfriend? He didn’t think she believed much in man-woman friendship either. He couldn't even blame her for assuming their friendship had to hide something more because he had such few friends she was bound to think this one was special.

She was, but not in the way she thought. They could get as close as they wanted and still it wouldn’t mean what his mother was implying because...

It didn't feel like making a decision, like finally daring. It just felt like the right thing to do, to say, because he was tired of her not getting anything about him, and he knew she was trying, she really was, so he had too.

"Mom. There's something I'd like to tell you."

She must have felt his tension because the air changed around them, became more charged and even more awkward. He was wringing his hands together nervously, regretting not getting up when he had a chance. She made to sit on his bed, and he thought "this is it, this is happening."

And then Izzy burst through the door with a loud "Alec, I need a ride" and the moment was gone.

It felt like falling over, but in the wrong direction. Like he had been standing above a bottomless pit just to trip and land back on his ass in the dirt. Izzy looked pointedly at their mother, almost accusing, and she was quick to vacate the room, with a barely there "we'll talk later” in his direction.

He wanted to scream.

"What did she want?" Izzy asked, a little aggressive, distrusting.

“Just to talk. Give her a break," he bit back angrily. She looked hurt, but he didn’t care. He had always resented and envied her ability)to dismiss their mother so casually, not to care one bit what their relationship had come too. Then again, he didn't know what she really thought about it. He knew she could hide things well though. Better than him at any rate. And their mother was harsher with her, always had been. Something Izzy had to resent and envy him for too.

"You wanted a ride?"

"Tell me what you were talking about first."

He let out a long breath, annoyed.

"I was thinking about telling her."

It didn't have the effect he expected. If anything she looked even warier.

"About what?"

"What do you think. About me. Coming out."

Her entire demeanor changed just like that, from tense to cheerful and relieved, and he realized she had been worried about him spilling her secrets, their secrets. He looked at her babble about how great an idea it was with hurt and disbelief and he was mad suddenly, mad and disappointed and so, so tired.

"Would it be so bad for her to know?" he asked, cutting her enthusiastic chatter.

"No, of course not, that's what I’ve been telling you since..."

"No, I mean, about the rest. About Jace, and you and me. What we've been up to. Would it be so bad?"

"You're not going to tell her right?"

"I'm not, but why?"

He hated being like this. Antagonizing, annoyed by everything. It wasn't him. But he was tired and stressed out and frankly fed up with everyone always asking things from him. He just wanted to be left alone, was it so much to ask?

"What?"

"Why would it be so bad if she knew?"

"She'd kill us."

"We're not teenagers anymore. Maybe we should stop acting like ones and own up to our shit for a change. Are we simply going to keep that for us forever?"

"Sounds good to me."

That was a point they would never agree on and he knew it. Izzy was closer to their father, whom she considered above all flaws, while their mother was under them all. There was a time when he wanted to protect that naivety – their father, he knew, was far from flawless – but right now it irked him.

"Where does that come from anyway? Just because you're finally growing a pair and coming out to her doesn't mean you suddenly have to share our life story with her."

That fucking hurt.

"Seriously, can you hear yourself? She's our mother! And fuck you by the way. I'll freak out about coming out as much as I goddamn please, regardless of your opinion of my cowardice."

They stared each other down for a while before she stormed out of the room without another word. Great. He had to fight with her to come full circle. Now he truly was avoiding everybody in his life.

He went back to his thesis and worked with a surprising, if a bit manic, efficiency, well into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's all folks. Next one is done already but I don't know when I'll post it.
> 
> Interactions between Alec and his mother were inspired a lot by TeraBum. I have a thing for family dynamics and relationships, does it show?
> 
> On the matter of Jace, I have to say I agonized over whether or not I wanted to go with it. I had the idea some time ago and I wrote some of his reactions with that in mind, but I wasn't sure. I'm afraid of misteps and I don't want to fuck this up, but I figured it's not a good enough reason to not write about it at all. Obviously it won't be the main focus of the story since it's still about Alec and Magnus, but it will play a role, Jace being a big part of Alec's life. I also want to stress that I wrote Alec's reaction as it was because it is, sadly, something that is still quite common. Coming to term with it will be a process for Alec and his family, and harsh words wil be said, I think, so be warned. Thank you for reading, I'll see you soon!


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Work doesn't care about your personnal life. Also, tragic backstories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had totally forgotten about that chapter... I'm going on vacation for a few weeks, didn't want to leave you hanging! Things will start happening again soon, I hope. I'm tired and I forgot if I had anything to say about this. Enjoy!

If he’d been living in the pages of a romantic novel, Magnus could have gone back to bed and moped all day after Alec had left abruptly, angry again less than twelve hours after they resolved their last fight. But Magnus wasn’t a literary hero, and so “heartache” and “general displeasure with the state of the world” were not good enough reason to miss work.

That didn’t mean he had to like it of course, and it was likely that everyone at the office, from the secretary to his closest colleagues, knew exactly how much he didn’t like it as soon as they crossed path with him at the office. Tessa took one look at him and prevented Will to even ask, then offered kindly a listening ear anytime he wanted it. He thanked her, but didn’t take her up on the offer. Later maybe, but not so soon. He wanted to munch over his problems on his own first.

Of course, because life didn’t care about said problems, especially his work life, Morgenstern was waiting by his desk when he returned from his lunch break.

He was back at a perfectly acceptable hour, and yet when his boss looked at him he had the urge to apologize for being late. Which was ridiculous. He wasn’t late, he didn’t even have a meeting scheduled with the man. Damn, how he hated him.

“Magnus. I wanted to have a word with you,” said the man before turning on his heels and walking towards his office, confident that Magnus would just follow after him.

Magnus was confident he would never, ever like him.

He didn’t invite Magnus to sit and Magnus didn’t make a move to, hoping that staying up would speed up the process. It didn’t prevent Morgenstern from settling comfortably in his chair and arranging the papers on his desk for a moment, perfectly fine with Magnus waiting awkwardly in front of him. When he turned his attention back to his employee, it was as if he’d forgotten he was there.

“Yeah, so. You probably heard about the Omega project.”

“The jury was yesterday right?”

“Yes, and we’ve made it to the next step. We’re still in competition with two other designs, they’re set to make their final decision by the end of next week.”

Magnus nodded politely, looking mournfully at the door. This had nothing to do with him, although he suspected it would soon.

“We have to send someone to present the project in person,” Morgenstern delivered, “and I’d like you to go.”

Magnus tried to hide his surprise, and annoyance.

“I’m sorry, is there a particular reason why? My team didn’t work on the project and we’re still behind on our current assignment.”

“Ah, yeah, I know that,” Morgenstern said, making Magnus regret bringing it up. “But you worked on the early drafts before it passed to Marcus’s team, and they’re all too caught up to be going.”

There was, rationally, no reason why Marcus and his team was busier than Magnus’s.

“Okay, well maybe someone else from my team could go? I’m sorry, I’m not trying to dismiss it but I’m the liaison with the customers for our project and I’m meeting with them a lot next week…

“Will will take care of that,” Morgenstern said dismissively. Magnus barely kept a frustrated sigh in. He had been working on this for weeks, most of that time on his own, before his boss had finally conceded that it wasn’t a one man job and put the others on it. “I’d rather send you,” Morgenstern went on with a sympathetic tone that sounded horrible to Magnus’s hear, “than him or Tessa. Elias doesn’t have the experience required, and I believe they have a family to take care of that you don’t.”

Magnus didn’t know what Morgenstern expected him to say to that. Nothing, probably, which was just as well, because he was absolutely speechless. He would have at least appreciated the vote of confidence in his capacity, if the man hadn’t dismissed Elias in the process – who was young but capable, had dealt with this kind of thing before and needed in fact the experience more than Magnus did – and if he hadn’t implied he would have sent the others, were they not… what, married? Parents? The worse thing was it could have been a nice sentiment, said in another way and by someone else. But the man managed to sound dismissive of both Magnus and Tessa and Will’s lifestyle. He had to hand it to him, the man was good.

“Right,” he said tightly, swallowing back a thousand of harsh words that would see him fired for sure. As often when he needed to stay calm in a situation where he wasn’t, he travelled to a fantasy world where he had his own little firm doing their own little project in their own little corner of the market. He would have only friends as colleagues and no one above to give any order.

He would regularly steal projects from under Valentine Morgenstern’s nose.

“Perfect,” said the man, and the case was already closed in his mind, already dismissed. “You leave tomorrow afternoon.”

“How long?”

“At least a week, two if necessary. That won’t be a problem right?”

Magnus wondered if the man had some cards stashed somewhere with normalized sentences written on them, so that he could remember to sound like a human being every once in a while. Unfortunately for him, the tone he delivered them with made him sound ever more inhumanly robotic.

“Not at all.”

San Francisco, for at least a week. Exactly what his strained relationship with Alec didn’t need.

.

“What do you feel like eating?” Lily asked, shouldering her backpack on their way to the exit of the building.

“Bagels!” Maia shot out with great enthusiasm.

“Naturally.”

"What? You have something to say?"

"I would, but there are children here."

Alec let their banter wash over him, drawing peace and comfort from the familiarity of it all. Despite the tension still present in their exchanges, they had apparently decided to do as if nothing had happened until Alec brought it up. Lydia looked a little confused by his side, not as used as he was to Lily and Maia’s tough love act. They were just outside the building of the Art faculty when someone called his name, and when he turned, he came face to face with Magnus.

It took the girls a few more steps to realize he wasn't following them anymore. He waved at them to wait a moment while he made his way to Magnus, who was standing near the door with his arms crossed and an unsure look on his face.

"Hello."

"I’m sorry for ambushing you like this. I was in the neighborhood and I wanted to see you."

Alec nodded dumbly, not sure what he was supposed to say. Why had Magnus come, how did he think it was a good idea? It made little sense.

"I'm leaving town this afternoon", Magnus supplied, sensing his questioning. "I have to go to San Francisco to meet with a client. I'll be gone a week at least, maybe two and I... I didn't want to leave without us talking. I figured we could get some lunch? If it's okay with you."

Alec hadn't known Magnus that long, but he recognized hesitation in his tone, doubts behind his apparent confidence that he would have missed a few weeks ago.

"Yeah, okay. Let me just..."

He gestured vaguely to his friends, whom he'd have to give some sort of explanation to for bailing out on them like that.

"I’m sorry," Magnus said again. Alec wasn't sure about what exactly. Showing up at school unannounced? Showing up in front of his friends? "I'll wait here," he added, looking uncomfortable. Alec took a few steps away before stopping.

It should have been agonizing, nerve wrecking. It shouldn't have been so simple, considering how much sleep he’d lost over the matter. But it was quite easy in fact, to march back to Magnus and take a hold of his hand, and pull him with him towards his three friends. If he stopped, if he slowed down just a notch, he would lose his nerves, so he walked with quite an aggressive intent, Magnus stumbling behind him, confused and worried.

"Girls, there's someone I'd like to introduce you to. Maia, Lydia, Lily, this is Magnus, my boyfriend."

He was looking at he ground, at his hand in Magnus's, at his shoes, anywhere he could, except the faces of the people around him, already regretting his foolishness but determined to own it. He heard Maia’s small gasp of surprise but didn't look at her, at any of them.

“I’m having lunch with him. I'll see you back in class," he said in a rush before walking away, Magnus still trailing behind him like a lost child. They walked in silence until they were out of campus and back in the busy streets of Downtown New York.

"Where do you want to go?" Alec asked, trying to sound casual and not like he had just had a minor breakdown. Magnus, thankfully went with it, at least for the moment.

"I know a nice Thai place not far from here. I'll pay."

It had been a long time since they had eaten outside together. Sadly the circumstances weren’t ideal. Magnus stared at him with a mix of great puzzlement and startled wonder, and Alec didn't know how to handle it.

"You didn't have to do that," Magnus eventually said.

"I promised I would never introduced you as anything else.

"But I ambushed you. I would have... it would have been fine."

"It was a long time coming anyway. Besides, you'll be out of town. I had to maintain the level of drama in my life while you were gone."

He grimaced. It wasn't what he wanted to say at all. That was mean spirited and unfair.

"Sorry. Sorry, I don’t know what came over me."

"It's... it's fine. Things have been pretty dramatic alright.”

There was a long, awkward silence at their table, and it had to be the waitress who brought their world back into motion in the form of two steaming plates of crispy sweet chicken. At least the food made the silence less tense.

“I thought about what you said,” Alec said out of the blue, essentially to do something against the tension clogging the small space between them.

“Yeah?”

"I... I don't know if I told you but Jace is very close to his girlfriend's stepdad. He's a detective, he helped us settle things when... things got bad. And he helped Jace a lot lately, to... deal with things. And I... I saw him the other day. He wanted to talk to me. About Jace."

Alec had come to see Luke at work because he didn’t want to risk seeing Jace at Clary’s house. A coward move, but he wasn’t ready to face him yet. Luke had been as aware as Izzy of issues Alec hadn’t even suspected. He had suggested for Jace to seek professional help even before Alec had voiced his interrogations to him.

"He... he had the same idea as you. Told me that it would be a good idea to get Jace some help, that maybe there was more to it than just bad temper and passing depression. So I... I did some research and well. Yeah."

Alec paused to eat some more and give himself time to think about what to say next. Now that they were here he regretted the public space and the lack of intimacy. They weren’t so close to any of the other patrons, and they were talking quietly by reflex, but he still felt exposed, vulnerable.

 “I could have been more… tactful, broaching the subject,” Magnus conceded, willing to recognize his wrongs. “I know it can be difficult to hear.”

“I’m sorry. About how I reacted. It was…”

“It was, and it’s fine. I understand.”

Alec was grateful for Magnus interrupting him and saving him the trouble of qualifying exactly his reaction. Shameful came at the top of his head but he would have probably chosen a term either too weak or too dramatic. Alec’s way with words was lacking at best.

"I was wondering... I wanted to ask you why you thought about that. What made you… you don’t really know Jace. You just… assumed.”

He didn’t want to sound accusing but he was still wondering, or maybe just hoping, that maybe Magnus had just felt antagonizing. It was unfair to the man but Alec was just desperate to dodge at least one bullet, spare his family one more struggle.

No such luck though.

"I told you my mother died when I was twelve yeah? Well, she didn't just die. She... she killed herself. Jumped from the roof of our building while I was at school."

Now that was definitely a conversation they should have been having elsewhere. Alec cast a paranoid look around, but of course no one was paying them any mind. Magnus had taken on a carefully unaffected posture, but he was wound too tight for it to really hold.

"Magnus that's... I'm so sorry, that’s… sad" Alec stammered dumbly, for lack of anything better to say. He wanted to punch himself. That’s sad? Really?

"It was... I blamed her, for a long time but... She had bipolar disorder. Most of the times she was fine, the rest, she was either overexcited, bordering on completely crazy, or depressed to the point of being suicidal. She once told me that during those episodes she was incapable of remembering any of the good in her life, it was beyond her reach. Of course she told me that while she was down, otherwise she would never have spoken about it. The point is... I lived with her for the first twelve years of my life. I know how it is, I know what it looks like. It's not... she was fine under her meds, better with therapy, but we couldn't always afford it, and once she started slipping up she would forget to take them and refuse to go to her psychiatrist. It was hard to keep up with her, she could be all sunshine and rainbow one day and six feet under the next. But it wasn't... It's not an insult. She was sick and she took medication, like you do when you have the flue. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, it's not a... It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I can’t... I don't know what to do. Jace will never hear any of it."

"He has to. It's for his own good."

"You don't understand, we don't.... We don’t ask for outsider’s help. We never have. Maybe we should have, I don't know, but we never did."

"What are you talking about?"

Alec took a shaky breath. It was probably time to make some confessions of his own.

"I had a younger brother. Another one. Seven years younger than me. We lost him five years ago."

He couldn’t remember the last time he had talked about this to anyone. Had he ever? Had he ever had to tell, to people who didn't know him from this time?

“It messed us up so bad. The whole family. We never... We're still not over it. At all. And when I look at us now I really think we should have sought help but the thing is... It's just not done like this.”

Magnus reached across the table to wind their hands tight together, and Alec couldn’t bring himself to care about the people around, how it might look, what they might think, not when he felt that single point of contact was the only thing keeping him from getting swallowed and suffocated by the ground beneath his feet. Magnus didn’t seem to fare much better, and Alec figured it was comfort to both of them. That he too could provide some sort of anchor to Magnus, a support, and despite the circumstances, this thought at least was encouraging.

“I’m sorry,” Magnus said simply. Just like Alec had done earlier, and it didn’t sound so dumb and pointless after all.

“I guess I’ll try to talk to Jace. I realize that it had to be… hard, for you. To deal with that after your mother, and I… I wouldn’t want to…”

He didn’t know what he was trying to say. Alec had his own issues but he never meant for Magnus to have to deal with them all, and certainly not to have to deal with his siblings’ ones too.

“Let’s not worry about it. None of this is your fault, or mine, or anyone’s really.”

Alec knew it wasn’t that easy, but it’s true he was tired of worrying, and even if it wasn’t very wise, he figured it could wait a little longer. All in all Magnus seemed calmer, more willing to take things in stride instead of raising barriers around him. Maybe he’d done some thinking of his own.

They managed to finish lunch on a lighter tone. Alec felt better too, despite the gravity of their exchange and the problems that were still piling in the horizon. At least there was room for improvement – things could get better, they could work it out. More importantly, he felt like they both wanted to.

“I have to go catch my plane,” Magnus said once they were out of the restaurant. He made no move to leave though, standing very close to Alec, his hands twitching to reach out. “I’ll let you know when I’m back.” He stayed right in his spot.

Alec wanted so badly to touch him, kiss him, take him in his arms. The worse thing was he didn’t know precisely why he didn’t. What was stopping him? People would raise an eyebrow, maybe, but the street wasn’t so busy, and what did he care anyway.

That was a good question, now that he thought about it. What did he care? He didn’t like PDA, it was embarrassing for every party involved, including witnesses, but it wasn’t like he planned to grope Magnus in front of a pre-school or anything. Just hand holding. A hug, maybe a kiss. Surely there was nothing wrong with that. It was terribly embarrassing and he would blush so hard it would probably still be there when Magnus returned, but apart from that…

There was no reason why this was so hard, and yet it was.

Magnus started to turn and Alec reacted on instinct. He grabbed his hand. It wasn’t very smooth nor very gentle, and Magnus startled badly, but at least he didn’t leave.

“I…” Alec tried. Here came the blush, full force. “I’ll miss you.”

It was true, even if it wasn’t exactly what he wanted to say. Magnus’s smile was blinding though, worth the embarrassment, worth everything.

“Me too,” he said, squeezing his hand. Feeling bold, at least as bold as an eight-year-old on the last day of school, he closed the distance between then to land a soft kiss on Magnus’s cheek, close – but not that close – to the right corner of his lips. He now feared for his health as his whole face felt like it was up in flames.

Eventually, Magnus did leave. Alec made a note to ask him later if he got to his plane on time and went back to class, feeling light and relieved.

Until he remembered he’d just come out to his friends on a whim.

What the hell.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not that pleased with this chapter... Meh. Next we'll have Alec talk with his friends, I have NO IDEA how it'll go but I look forward to it. I'll be back in september, enjoy your summer y'all, love you!


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec has a lot to sort out, but he also has good friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it's been a long time, says she as if it wasn't entirely her fault. So yeah people, I'm back at last with the next chapter. I don't really have any good excuses, just holidays, settling back home and a big dive of inspiration for this. I'm back on track though and chapter 30 (!!) is almost done already.
> 
> I hope you'll still enjoy this.

Alec had an absurd lot of things to do. Places to be, people to see, people to talk to. He was behind on his project work and in serious risk of disappointing Lydia during their next meeting. He also had another draft of his thesis to hand over the next week. He needed to talk to Maia and Lily, after avoiding them like the plague on Friday afternoon and bolting out of school like a coward. He also had to talk to Izzy, and Jace, to Izzy about Jace and to Jace about a lot of unpleasant things. Sooner or later he would have to talk to his mother too. He had to go to the police station to finalize administrative things on his community service, which reminded him that it would also be a good thing if he discusses things with Luke. And of course, he absolutely had to reach out to Magnus, either by call or text or pigeon, to let him know that he wasn’t giving him the silent treatment or anything, and to have some news because he missed him.

So, Alec had a lot of things to do.

Alec was lying on his bed staring at his ceiling, and he wasn’t about to move anytime soon.

There was just something about this Sunday afternoon that rendered him unable to perform a single one of those things. First of all, he didn’t know where to start. Jace was back home but he stayed locked up in his room and didn’t talk to anyone, and Izzy had been out all weekend, probably avoiding him too. He didn’t feel strong enough to deal with any of the discussion he had to hold, and he couldn’t even fathom working on anything school related right now. But he felt terrible for avoiding his responsibilities like that, so he was too guilty to do anything else. So he was doing nothing at all.

He was hoping that maybe time would stop. He would stay forever stuck on this bleak Sunday, the hours of lazy torpor stretching endlessly, putting the things he had to do on hold for all eternity. He would be content to just lay there.

And then someone knocked on the door. He was so torn between cursing his bad karma or being thankful for the interruption to his gloomy thoughts that he couldn’t pick a reaction. He didn’t react at all, letting whoever was on the other side of the door decide for him.

He discovered that the visitor was Simon because he eventually opened the door even without an answer from Alec, which was consistent with the fact that it was, well, Simon.

"Izzy's door is the next one," Alec said, knowing how stupid it was since Simon had been over their house often enough that he had his preferred mug and a preferred seat at the dining table.

“I know,” Simon answered, rightfully confused. “I was looking for you.”

Alec’s hopes that maybe it was a dumb mistake evaporated and he got up from his bed with an overly dramatic sigh so shameful he tried to make it sound like he was just groaning from stretching his stiff body. It was pretty stiff too – consequences on crashing on his bed and lying there without moving for hours.

“What for?” he asked Simon, trying and mostly failing not to sound too aggressive. Simon didn’t look too put off – no doubt Izzy had briefed him on Alec’s mood. It was a good thing because it meant Simon wouldn’t get offended, but it also pissed Alec off because why did she felt the need to tell his life story to her friends all the time. He was very aware of how childish and petty he was being. It only angered him more, but he tried to reign it in.

“I have this issue I was telling you about last time. The French one, with a bunch of horror stories? We received new copies a few days ago.”

It was ridiculous how long it took Alec to recall what the hell Simon was talking about. He stared dumbly at the comic book in his hand and after an awkward pause, it felt like his brain was jump-started by the sudden realization that life was, in fact, still going on.

“Thanks. You, huh… you didn’t come all the way here just for that yeah?”

Simon rubbed the nape of his neck, embarrassed.

“Well, not exactly. Actually, it's… Izzy asked me to come by."

“To hang out with her, right?” Alec asked. He was right to be skeptical because Simon shook his head with an apologetic shrug.

“She thought you might need to… talk. And that I might be able to help.”

The look they gave each other said enough about what they thought of that initiative. At least they were on the same page.

“I told her it wasn’t the best idea, but you know how she is,” Simon tried to justify. Indeed Alec knew how her sister was, or rather he knew how she was with Simon and how Simon was with her. He was completely unable to refuse her anything, something he was well aware of and treating like a fatality of his life that he couldn’t escape. He was lucky she was so nice – she could have had him hiding a body for her if only she’d ask.

Even if it was mortifying and pointless, he would try, because she had asked. It was sweet, in a way, if a bit weird. Alec wondered what Raphael thought of that.

“I take it that things with Magnus aren’t going so well.”

Alec sighed, vanquished. If Simon was going to embarrass himself trying to be a love counselor, Alec could indulge him. Who knew, maybe it could help. He gestured for him to take the desk chair while he sat on his bed.

“Actually we… sorted some things out, last time we saw each other. I think it’s fine. But he had to get out of town so we couldn’t… settle it properly.”

“Oh. Okay. Cool.”

There was an awkward pause during which Alec wished Simon would just vanish, but the more the silence stretched between them, the more his thoughts were trying to push out of his mouth.

“I’m not good at this,” he gave in eventually, sparing a brief second to wonder if that was Simon’s strategy or if the other was just as bad as him.

“At what?”

“Boys. Relationships. I… don’t know what to do, or say, I don’t know how to make it work. I don’t even get why we’re doing this. What am I even bringing in there? I don’t… I don’t know why he’s with me.”

He had no idea that’s what he was going to say when he had started talking. Simon looked amused but had the good taste to hide it.

“You know… I don’t think anyone actually knows anything about what they are doing. Except, you know, Emma Stone or Ryan Gosling in their movies. Relationships don’t make a lot of sense and we’re kinda stupid for falling for it every time. Like, take me and Raphael, ok? We kind of figured it out now but it took like, a crazy amount of work, still does. We don’t communicate the same way at all and sometimes we don’t understand each other but we still try, as much as we can.”

Alec knew there was no stopping Simon once he was on like that, but he was fine with it. Simon was never as eloquent as when unprompted – he had been known on occasion to impart some true wisdom.

“Raphael is the kind of person who has a hard time getting that if he doesn’t talk, people can’t just guess what he’s thinking and feeling. And then he makes it sound like you’re the idiot for not getting it, it drives me crazy. He could just admit that he’s incapable of expressing his emotions. I can’t even begin to explain the turns and detours we had to take because he couldn’t just tell me that he was asexual.”

“He’s what?”

Simon focused back on him, confirming Alec’s suspicion that the boy had forgotten about him along his tirade.

“He’s asexual. You know like you’re homosexual and I’m pansexual and he’s asexual.”

“Meaning?”

“Haha, it’s a trick question, but in his case it means he has no interest in sex whatsoever. There are few things in the world he finds more boring than sex. Even me talking about Star Wars, so that’s saying something.”

Alec would have laughed if he hadn’t been stuck on Simon’s previous words.

“I… I’ve never heard about it.”

“That’s not really surprising, it’s pretty unknown still. But yeah, that’s a thing.”

“And so you… you don’t… you know?”

“Nah. We did, at the beginning, since that idiot was too stubborn to say anything, but not anymore no.”

“And it doesn’t… you’re okay with that?”

Simon thought about his answer for a moment, but he didn’t hesitate for long. He had a soft, sweet smile on his face and Alec had never seen him looking so serene.

“It’s terribly sappy of me to say, but I’m in love with that guy. Really, I am. I think I’ve been in love with him since maybe two hours after we first met when he smiled at me for the first time. Don’t tell him that though, he’ll say I’m just full of shit. Oh, I’ve never told you how it went right? It’s quite a story. But anyway, another time, focus Simon, focus. So, I’m in love with him, and I want us to last. That means compromising, on that topic as on any else. We don’t do nothing at all but we don’t have an active sex life, that’s for sure. I deal with it ‘cause I want us to be together no matter what. Man, I seriously love that guy.”

Simon looked almost surprised himself, like he hadn’t quite measured this until that very moment. But like everything else, he took it in stride, just accepted it and rolled with it, simply unable to worry about anything. Alec envied him.

“I got sidetracked didn’t I?” Simon asked after a short silence. “I was no help at all. I just bragged about my own boyfriend.”

“No, it’s… it’s fine, don’t worry. It was nice actually. You’re always very… passionate. Not in a bad way.”

“Thanks man. I’m just gonna try and do what I came here to do, and tell you not to worry so much. Things will happen y’know. Just go with it. Whether you worry or not it’ll happen all the same. And Magnus’s a good guy, and you are too. You’re cool together, I think. It’ll be okay.”

Simon had absolutely no ground, no evidence to back up his statements, but that had never stopped him from making grand declarations in absolute faith before. There something very refreshing, and comforting, in his blind optimism. It annoyed Alec often, but he welcomed it occasionally.

“Thank you,” he answered simply. Simon returned his smile tenfold, and it grew even more when, to finally dissipate the awkwardness floating around the room, he suggested to power up his computer and see how far they could go on Darkest Dungeon this time.

He could ponder endlessly over everything Simon had said later.

.

Usually Alec didn’t get involved much in Halloween’s celebrations. He wasn’t a party goer in general and he didn’t care much about the holiday. But he felt guilty over the way he had (mis)treated his friends over the last few weeks, so despite already telling Maia that he would find himself tragically busy on the night of her party, he decided he would go.

It was also a terribly coward move from him – in the crowded bar where she worked a few shifts a week to pay for her tuition, surrounded by their friends and classmates, she wouldn’t find the opportunity to question him on his latest bomb.

To his surprise, he had not such an awful time. He wasn’t the only one who hadn’t bothered to dressed up so he didn't stick out, even if Maia pouted when he arrived and insisted to at least put some makeup on his face. The eyeliner and glitters on his cheekbones made him think of Magnus, who no doubt adored the holiday, but Magnus wasn't there and Alec missed him enough to want to avoid thinking about him at all cost. Maybe he’d still call him later. He could get over his hatred for the phone if it meant hearing his voice.

He was ridiculous.

He spent most of the night sitting on a stool at the bar next to Lydia. The bartender was hitting on him with insistence, making him blush embarrassingly until Lydia told her to quit it. They didn’t talk much but they drunk quite a lot, and by the time the bar was closing life didn’t seem so terrible anymore.

His mind was buzzing and his guard was down, so of course that’s the moment Maia and Lily ambushed him. He was drunk enough not to freak out too much, which they probably counted on. Maia wasn’t much better than him but Lily was perfectly articulate – though whether because it was she had refrained from drinking or just thanks to her freakish tolerance for alcohol was anyone’s guess.

“Let’s talk,” she said simply. He agreed. It didn’t feel like he had much of a choice anyway.

.

Maia didn’t have a lot of friends growing up.

She was biracial in a poor black neighborhood, she was brash and unapologetic, and she got along terribly with her brother who was way more popular than her – it doomed her for a childhood of loneliness and teenage years full of fighting. When she finally graduated and got into the architecture program at the City College, she took the chance to leave her hometown and old life, and never go back.

It hadn’t stopped her for being terrified, when entering college. That she would be alone again, that she wouldn’t find any friend, that maybe all of those assholes back home were right, she was the problem, she was unlovable.

She was determined though. She had a job in a bar downtown, the guest room of her Aunt’s house for “as long as she wanted” – she hoped it wouldn’t be too long as she hated to intrude – and she was going to make new friends.

On the very first day, she was hurrying through campus, trying not to assess every person around her and glaring at any pretty boy who so much as breathed in her direction, when she had bumped into a tall, quiet and kind of gloomy guy. Literally bumped into him, pretty strongly too, and since he was freakishly tall and she was a little on the short side – she WASN’T the shortest of their year, but barely – she had lost that confrontation and ended up on her ass.

She thought he would yell at her maybe, or at least be annoyed. He was a bit scary, dressed in black, lose clothes, looking out of place. That was until he opened his mouth, and she discovered that he was indeed out of place – he was lost.

The first words she had heard from Alec Lightwood were “Please, please do you know where the meeting point is for new architecture students?”

That’s when she found out Alec Lightwood wasn’t scary at all.

“Sure. It’s right down here on the floor, with me.”

And instead of being offended by her aggressive tone, he laughed an adorable, embarrassed laugh, helped her to her feet, gathered all her scattered stuff from the floor and then begged her again to give him so kind of guidance.

She then decided she would make friends with that boy no matter what.

It had proven harder said than done, especially because the boy in question was elusive as hell and avoiding people like the plague. But she was nothing if not persistent, and she didn’t want him to stay alone. By the time she had managed to lure him into a group project that would make it impossible for him to escape her, she had roped another into her plan – Lily. In their first history class, their teacher had asked them to form pairs, and Lily had turned to her without any reasons that Maia could think of. They had been inseparable ever since, and with Alec, the trio was complete.

Maia had befriended a lot of people since then, but none she loved more than her two nerds.

She didn’t want to make Alec’s coming out about her, but it hurt more than she would have thought, that he hadn’t told them.

Was it their fault? Did they make it look like he couldn’t trust them? How long had it been, how long had he kept it for himself? How many times had she embarrassed and annoyed him with her inquiries about girls and sex? She knew better than that. Better than to assume. But he had never said anything, and she hadn’t thought.

She had to make amends. Had to apologize, had to…

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before,” he said with his sad, drunk face.

“Goddamit Alec! That was my line!”

She wasn’t exactly sober either. Lily snorted, Alec looked confused.

“What?”

“No, I mean… I’m the one who wanted to apologize.”

“For what?”

“For… for… I don’t know! For every time I tried to have you hit on girls. For you not being able to trust me. Trust us.”

This wasn’t about her, she chastised herself again.

“It’s not that,” Alec said, and great, now she had made him feel guilty. She was terrible at this sort of thing. She turned to Lily for help. Lily would know what to say.

Lily rolled her eyes with the expression she made when she thought her friends were being stupid and which reminded Maia of her aunt scolding her young cousins.

“Alec, everything is fine. You being gay, it’s fine, you having a boyfriend, it’s fine, you not feeling comfortable talking about it before is fine too. We don’t care. We’re happy for you, if he treats you right. We would like to meet him properly someday when you’re ready.”

For a moment Maia thought he was going to cry, but he wouldn’t. He never did. She on the other hand was an emotional mess, especially when she was drunk. More than the tears on her face it was his panicked expression that informed her that she was indeed crying.

“Wh… What is it? What did I know?”

“Shut up Alec, it’s not always your fault! I just… I just… I don’t know ok! I’m sad you kept it for yourself! And also I’m glad you got a boy! And he looks nice too, and he’s super hot. And you just blurted it out like an idiot! And I’ve been mean to you! Shut up.”

She sniffed and tried to wipe her face, smearing her makeup. Lily was smiling fondly, if long-suffering, while Alec was rubbing her arms awkwardly, never good on physical comfort.

“I hate you both,” she mumbled. Lily ran a hand through Maia’s tight curls.

“Yeah, yeah, right.”

She really loved her friends.

.

“So Alec, how long has this been going on?”

Alec cast a helpless look at Lily, but she made it clear that he was on his own. It served him right, to have been so stupid about this. Lily was usually the one to reign in on Maia’s nosy questions, but she felt like indulging her and leaving Alec to fend for himself for once.

“What, with Magnus?”

“Yeah! Come on, tell us, we’re curious!”

It was funny to Lily how Maia always said “we” when really, she ought to have said “I”. Lily wasn’t overly curious, never much involved into people’s life above whether they were okay or not. She let Maia get away with it though. She let Maia get away with almost everything really, and Alec too. She was too fond of them not to.

“It’s… It’s been a couple of months. I don’t know exactly.”

They were sitting on Maia’s bed at her aunt’s house. The woman had pretty much adopted Maia when she had come, alone and penniless, to study in New York, and had extended her welcome to Maia’s closest friend. It had taken a very long time for Maia to feel at home there, for her aunt to convince her that she wasn’t intruding, that she was welcome.

They crashed there often after a late night, spread on the bed in the guest room that had long since transformed into Maia’s room. It has the non-negligible advantage of being downstairs while Maia’s younger cousins’ rooms were up on the first floor. They didn’t have to worry too much about being quiet.

“Of course you don’t,” Maia said dramatically. “You don’t have a date? How are you going to celebrate your anniversary?”

Alec’s eyes widened in sheer panic. “You’re right, I don’t know. Is it very bad? I didn’t keep track! Is he going to be mad?”

Maia was too surprised by his sudden crisis to answer. Lily took pity on them both. “It’s alright Alec, it’s not such a big deal. If it’s something you want to do you’ll just pick a date. Or you can just not care. Maia, stop teasing him.”

Maia gave her an apologetic smile but didn’t look all that repentant. Alec was just relieved. That boy was a lost cause.

Both of them were really, but they put up with Lily, who was a loser too, so it was okay. Her parents were strict and she was a reserved, quiet, cerebral kid. She didn’t get out much and didn’t share any interest with other kids her age. But Maia and Alec couldn’t care less about that. They didn’t care when she was quiet and they didn’t care when she wanted to stay alone and not see them. She couldn’t tell how they worked so well together, seeing how different the three of them were, but they did, so she didn’t question it too much. What was certain was that they had been pretty lonely growing up, and then they had found each other, and they hold on tightly now. She could understand why Maia had felt betrayed by Alec’s silence, as she could get behind his fear of opening up. It didn’t matter much anyway. They would be okay.

.

Pouring his heart out to his friends while they were lazing on Maia’s bed, half drunk and in their pajamas, turned out to be incredibly therapeutic to Alec. It kicked him back into action and out of moping, and thus after catching back up on his schoolwork as best as he could, he resolved to try to talk to Jace.

It went as well as he expected it – meaning it went terribly. As soon as Alec only but mentioned getting professional help, Jace was lot to the conversation. From then on it was just angry barbs and truly hurtful comments, until Alec got sick of it and walked out of his room mid-sentence. But with Jace, it was always a process. Alec knew that despite his anger and sense of betrayal, Jace would still munch over the idea once he was calmer and alone with his thoughts. Especially if Luke broached the subject too when they saw each other, as Alec and he had agreed on. Alec was beyond grateful for the man’s help, even if he would have appreciated less nagging about coming clean about all this to their parents.

Alec had no intention to do that. First, because he didn’t feel like it was his place, the honor going to Jace or Izzy, and second, because he couldn’t see his mother reacting well, and he couldn’t see his father even caring. Their mom for all her faults was at least still trying, as clumsily and out of tune as she was. But their father… he was simply not here anymore. They barely saw him at home and he was even neglecting the boxing ring, spending his time Angels knew where. Alec didn’t understand why Luke was so insistent. He had to know how unconcerned Robert had become – it had been months since they had seen each other, other than in passing.

So he wouldn’t involve his parents. He didn’t know what help they could give. He just had to let Jace ruminate, and then they would find a solution together.

In the meantime, he really had to talk to Izzy.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like Maia and Lily, and I like their trio. Not much Malec in this but don't worry, Magnus will be back next chapter and there'll even be some sexy times! 
> 
> One of the reasons why this is so late is that I was completely lost in the timeline due to my very poor management, so I had to go back and check some things out to know when we were. Turns out barely three months have passed since the beginning of this fic wtf. As a result I edited minor stuff in previous chapters but nothing super relevant. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, don't forget to comment, see ya!


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little misadventures before moving on to more pleasant things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, another chapter! Am I spoiling you or what. Moving on to the next adventures. And as promised, some seikssay times! And holy shit my guys this is the 30th chapter! 30! That's a lot of chapters. Seeing the pace of this story some things I have planned with happen in chapter 70 haha. If I don't stop before that, but well. We'll see. Enjoy!

Magnus loved San Francisco. Really, he did. New York was his home but if he had to choose another town, it would be this one. The weather suited him well, he liked the energy, the flowing landscape, the party life. He had quite a few friends from his college days who had moved out there and he always had a good time whenever he visited.

However, he now found that the city had a major setback, a fundamental lacking that prevented him from enjoying his visit, besides the fact that it was a forced business trip.

Alec Lightwood wasn’t in San Francisco.

Magnus felt stupid and childish, and the worst was that he didn’t quite manage to be upset about it. He couldn’t berate himself for missing the other man, he didn’t want to. He was allowed, right? They were together, it was recent and new and exciting, and he was still very much into it despite what had happened.

It didn’t help that the more time passed the more guilty he felt over his reactions toward the man. He had handled the situation poorly, and it made it worse how forgiving Alec seemed to be. Too forgiving actually, like he didn’t feel the right to be upset or to complain. It was something Magnus had to be on the watch for. He could easily go too far when upset, especially if no one pushed back.

He wanted to make it up to Alec. To see him, talk to him, touch him, get a chance to pick up their relationship where they had left it off.

Instead, he was stuck in meetings after meetings, battling against other firms to win the contract for his own, the part of his job he hated the most, and it was dragging on and on. So yeah, San Francisco had suddenly lost its appeal.

At least he had made a few worthy contacts – it never hurt. One of the teams based in San Francisco were well acquainted with Malcolm and Magnus got the feeling they were disappointed he was there in his place, but at least they still extended their courtesy to him, so that he wouldn’t have such a terrible time. They dragged him to an exquisite Halloween party of which he hoped pictures would never come out, but he still couldn’t wait to go back to New York.

Except they didn’t get the contract, and he briefly considered having Alec shipped off to the west coast instead.

.

In the end it had been a week and a half wasted in San Francisco and as expected, his first day back at work was hell.

When he came back to his loft he wanted nothing more than to face plant into his bed and sleep for a week. He had done something he had sworn himself he would never do – he had stayed quiet, lips locked and head down, as Morgenstern tore him a new one for half an hour.

Magnus didn’t do that. He didn’t stay quiet, didn’t take abuse when it wasn’t warranted. He argued, he talked back. But it wasn’t an argument, it wasn’t a discussion. Morgenstern wasn’t to be reasoned with – he simply enjoyed humiliating people, exerting control. Magnus knew that talking would have made things worse, and still he couldn’t forgive himself for staying quiet.

He had never felt such a strong urge to punch someone in the face before.

At least it hadn’t been a public shaming – Morgenstern had kept it inside the privacy of his office. A small mercy. But Magnus wasn’t going to take that much longer. There was no way he was going to put up with that asshole if he kept acting like this.

This sucked terribly. He loved his job, he really did, he liked the company and was good friends with his colleagues. He didn’t deserve to be suddenly struck with the curse of awful bosses, it wasn’t fair.

Fortunately, Alec was coming over, and he would be there soon. Magnus still wanted to nap, but maybe they could make that a couple activity. Oh, a cuddly nap. He was feeling better already.

But he was still worried things would be a bit… awkward. It was hard to know where they stood right now – they had kept texting during his trip, but nothing meaningful, just mundane chit-chat. What if they couldn’t get past the awkwardness? What if they had irrevocably damaged the easy intimacy that had grown between them? Alec had to arrive right now or he was going to start losing hair over this mess.

As if summoned, there was a knock at the door. Magnus breathed a sigh of relief and hurried over to open it.

“You have got to be kidding me.”

Seriously, what had he done to deserve it? Was it some kind of punishment for how bad he had treated Alec? He had made a fuss, had been unfair to him, and now it was coming back to bite his ass, and not in the nice way. It figured that Alec would have some kind of vengeful guardian watching over him. He was so kind and pure and pretty, he had to be angel-related. Magnus was going crazy.

But here was Camille fucking Belcourt already with a foot through the door so that he couldn’t close it on her face, and he felt cursed.

“Hey sweetheart. Can I come in?”

“No!”

She pushed past him with a smile that said “oh silly you’re so cute”, and really he knew that she didn’t give a shit about what he said, but it still made him feel infantilized, powerless, irrelevant. She was so good at this, really, she ought to put it down on her resume. _“Astounding ability to make people feel like less than dirt in just a few seconds.”_

“Camille, I don’t want you here. Please go.”

“I was hoping to run into your boy toy again, but at the same time I’m glad he’s not here. He would get in the way.”

Magnus had similar feelings – he was both praying for Alec to arrive soon and dreading him stumbling over Camille in his loft. As if they didn’t have enough issues as it was. This guardian angel of his was doing a terrible job.

“What do you want.”

“Come on, don’t be like that. I just wanted to talk. We don’t see each other at all anymore. I miss you.”

Magnus wouldn’t cry, he wouldn't. He was passed this. He was. He was also very uncomfortable about how close she was standing.

“Camille. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to talk to you. Why can’t you respect that?”

"I know I hurt you, but is it a reason to be so cold? We were good friends back then."

That woman. Really, books ought to be written about her. Friends? When were they ever friends? Before or after she lead him on for two years, made him believe they had something while she was as casual about their relationship as could be? Sure he was the worst idiot of all time for falling for it, but the fact remained that she was a heartless bitch and that was it.

“I don’t want to be friends with you. Camille, please, just leave.”

“Magnus?”

Crap. The door was still open. Magnus saw that freakish smile light up Camille’s face, the one that meant she just had the most wonderful idea. She leaned in, timed perfectly so that she could land a kiss on his cheek the second Alec walked into the loft. Magnus’s jerked back, his skin crawling. He was going to be sick.

“Oh hello again,” Camille drawled, all sweet and nice like everything was perfectly in order. And Alec…

Alec rolled his eyes like he was dealing with an annoying, insolent kid.

“I think you’re done here? Please leave.”

Camille didn’t let much show but Magnus could see it wasn’t the reaction she had hoped for. Alec looked completely unbothered, if a little annoyed, like this was all just a great waste of time. He didn’t let it get to him at all. He was beyond cold toward Camille but he smiled as soon as he looked at Magnus and Magnus realized maybe it was that simple. Maybe he could do it too. Ignore her, don’t let her get to him, just don’t give any importance to her actions and words.

“You okay Magnus?” Alec asked casually, disregarding her completely. Magnus nodded.

“You should leave, Camille. And don’t come back here, I mean it. I don’t want to see you, I can’t say it more clearly. You’re toxic for me, you make me feel terrible when you’re around, and I’m not over what happened between us. I don’t want to have anything to do with you.”

She tried to reach out to him but he took a determined step back. She frowned, clearly upset. Alec came to stand next to Magnus, not touching but close still, comforting.

"You won't get rid of me that easily Magnus. We're not done you and me."

“You are for today Ma’am.”

Magnus couldn’t tell if Alec knew it would rile her up to be called “Ma’am” or if it was by accident, but it was effective. She huffed, fists tight, and with a last murdering glare she exited the apartment. The door slamming in the silence was like a scissor cut to the puppet strings that were keeping Magnus upright and more or less dignified – he sagged against Alec, energy spent. Life was exhausting lately.

"You should really pick up the habit of looking through the peephole before opening your door," Alec commented lightly.

“You’re not mad?”

“I can’t say seeing her here was the highlight of my day but she’s gone now. I don’t like her, she creeps me out. Really, look through the hole.”

Magnus was suddenly overflowing with warmth and affection. Alec had a little frown on his face, staring down at the door like it was its fault and keeping an eye on it in case Camille came back and it was so precious, he couldn’t believe that man. Magnus turned just enough to bury himself into Alec’s embrace. If the other man was surprised, he reacted quickly and wrapped his arms around Magnus with a contented sigh. Alec was quite taller than Magnus, enough that Magnus could easily hide in his neck and make the world disappear.

He didn’t know how long they stayed like that. A long time. Magnus was warm and comfortable, surrounded by Alec’s presence and scent, and he didn’t feel like moving, at all. They heard Camille’s bike drive away and then it was nothing but the rumor of traffic and the room darkening as the sun sunk below the skyline of the city.

Eventually though, they had to let go.

“Sorry,” Magnus said.

“For what?”

“Her. And me. I don’t know what she was doing here.”

“Let’s forget about it yeah?”

“You’re right. Come on, we can eat, and you can tell me about your day.”

.

Alec really disliked Camille.

He didn’t know if it was physical, instinct, or if he was just biased by her history with Magnus, but there was something about her that really irked him. He could tell that Magnus expected him to get angry, to be upset, but how could he? Magnus probably didn’t know how miserable he looked when she was around, or even when she was just mentioned. Alec wasn’t the jealous type in general, and he certainly wasn’t in that case.

Besides, he had done too much getting angry recently, his reserves were spent. Some peace, was it so much to ask?

They talked about the most mundane things during dinner but it was obvious they were skirting around more sensitive topics. Alec got the feeling that Magnus wasn’t having the time of his life at work so he refrained from asking about it, and there was only so much he could tell about his boring school life. They soon ran out of safe topics of conversation.

Magnus was the one to dive in first.

“How did it go with your friends?”

Right in indeed.

“Fine. Fine. I… I wasn’t really worried, I mean, I wasn't worried about their reaction. Much. But still…"

“Do you regret it?”

Alec considered it for a second.

“No. Really, no. It felt good to finally be honest with them, I think it brought us closer together.”

“I’m glad then. I never meant to make you feel like you had to…”

“It wasn’t about you, I swear. Well that’s not… I mean of course it was about you too but…”

“I understand,” Magnus chuckled, to save Alec from further embarrassment.

“I’d like you to meet them properly. Some times."

“That’d be great.”

There was another lull in the conversation, but Alec didn’t particularly feel like filling it. He was content with staying quiet. Too bad Magnus was the one who wanted to sort out their feelings this time.

“How are your siblings?”

Really, he wouldn’t give him a break.

“It’s… a work in progress. With Jace you need crazy amount of patience and with Izzy… Ha. If she decides to act like nothing happened, it’s pretty much impossible to make her budge. She’ll… come around, eventually.”

He hated that side of her, that stubborn refusal to confront unpleasant thoughts and situations, act as if everything was fine. It was kind of out of character for her, and only surfaced when she was backed into a corner. They were opposite on this – he hid small things but sought confrontation for bigger issues while she did the exact opposite. And she could keep that up for a long, long time.

“If need be, I can help. For Jace. You know Catarina works at the hospital, she knows a lot of good doctors. And I… know my share too,” Magnus admitted somehow reluctantly.

“You… you needed…?”

“Nothing chronic, but yeah, I had to deal with depressive episodes. It’s not hereditary but you can be… predisposed, if it’s common in the family.”

“I see.”

“Is it? In yours.”

“What? Oh, no but… Hum, Jace is not… we’re not related.”

“Oh.”

Really, what was it with all the revelation? Was it some kind of soap opera? He could almost imagine the sad music, the dramatic zoom to their faces as he looked away and Magnus tried to hide his surprise. Alec pondered again on how tiring it was to meet new people. You had to go through it every time, talk, share information, teach them about you. He sometimes wondered if it was worth it.

“His father died when he was ten. My father was his best friend,” he volunteered, hoping that Magnus wouldn’t press. He didn’t.

“I supposed it didn’t help.”

“No. It probably didn’t.”

.

Magnus could feel a tough case when it was coming and there was no doubt in his mind when it came to Alec’s brother. He wanted to ask why the boy hadn’t received some sort of counseling sooner, but he refrained. From what he understood of Alec’s family and their way of dealing with trauma, it wasn’t that surprising.

“I don’t think you’ll meet again with Jace anytime soon…” Alec said thoughtfully. Magnus chuckled.

“No, I guess I won’t. But I think I managed to charm Izzy just fine.”

Alec grimaced at that to Magnus’s surprise.

“I didn’t?” he asked.

“It’s not that. But she wasn’t happy with, huh… that you got that angry. She said that it was normal that I didn’t tell you everything. She said I ought to be mad about it too, but that’s not really my… thing. Anyway, it’ll pass too but… yeah.”

“Your sister is wise.”

“The voice of reason in my head is usually hers. I don’t listen to it as much as I should though.”

“She was right in any case. I was out of line. I’m sorry.”

It felt stupid to say that now after several days and several lengthy conversations on the same subject, but Magnus had always needed a long time to cool down and see reason.

“We’ll do better next time,” Alec said, determined. And okay, Magnus could work with that. It would have to be enough for now. He was still feeling frustrated and pretty bad about himself after the awful day he’d had, and he resolved to try and end it on a higher note. “Do you want to spend the night?”

Alec agreed, and things finally, finally started to look up.

.

Alec took a deep breath, trying to slow his rapidly rising excitation and hoping he could find some sort of grounding in the rhythm of their shared respiration. It was proving incredibly hard, no pun intended.

He was deep inside of Magnus and he was maybe losing his mind.

It had taken them an absurdly long time to get there. For some reason, his previous sexual encounters had never lasted more than twenty minutes tops, a fact that Magnus seemed to find horrifying. Maybe that was why he always made a point of taking his sweet time in bed. Or maybe that’s just how it was supposed to be and Magnus was simply the first decent lover Alec had.

Alec loved foreplay more than he ever thought he could and he was all but scared of penetrative sex, so he wasn’t going to complain. But he was curious to take this step with Magnus. Since everything was better with him, he had hoped this would be too.

Angel, he wasn’t disappointed.

Magnus wasn’t moving yet, still adjusting. Alec was sitting on the bed, back against the headboard, lap full of Magnus’s sweating body. Alec’s arms were roped around Magnus's waist, his face pressed into his neck because he was too embarrassed to show himself, and Magnus was clinging to his shoulders, hands weaving gently through his hair. They were holding onto each other so tightly it hurt to take a breath.

Alec was overwhelmed. He was surrounded by heat inside and out and he was feeling too many things all at once to be able to make sense of it. He was relieved and anxious, beyond turned on and terribly scared. It had taken a few tries because he has such bad memories of this kind of practice, he had been too scared to hurt Magnus to stay hard. It was ridiculous really, but Magnus hadn’t laughed or gotten angry. If anything Alec’s reluctance seemed to sadden him and he had made it his personal mission to see them through this. He had taken care of mostly everything, from lube to prep to condom to encouraging praises, and here they were now.

“You’re okay?”

Alec huffed from his spot in Magnus’s neck.

“Shouldn’t I be asking that?”

“I’m okay. Everything is fine love. Do you want to move?”

“Shouldn’t _I_ be asking that?”

Magnus chuckled and Alec tried to breathe. It was easier to make dumb comments than to ponder over the fact that Magnus chose Alec’s most vulnerable moment to drop affectionate terms of endearment to his face. Was he actively trying to kill him?

Magnus detached himself from Alec – who quenched a needy whine because _seriously_ – and took Alec’s face into his hand to make their eyes meet. Alec thought he was going to say something embarrassing again, but he just smiled and kissed him lightly, something tender and innocent and miles away from the heat of their current predicament, and it was worse, in a way.

“You think too much.”

That was certainly true.

Magnus started moving, just a little at first and then with more eagerness, but if the position was great for a beginning, his legs gave out rapidly and Alec didn’t have enough strength to keep it going. They shuffled awkwardly until Magnus was lying on his back, Alec between his open legs, his arms braced on each side of the other man’s face. He couldn’t bear how Magnus looked at him. It was too much. He hid in his neck again and, scared that Magnus would say something too sweet yet again, he started moving.

He doubted he would get off like that – he was too paranoid, tracking any sign of discomfort from Magnus. The man wasn’t complaining, at all, but still Alec focused solely on his reaction, determined to make him have a good time. He liked that Magnus was vocal in bed, appraising and communicative. They ought to be that sincere and straightforward in everyday life too – it would save them a lot of time and heartache.

Whether Magnus was encouraging for his sake or simply really into it, the effect was the same – driving Alec crazy. After a while he finally dared to get out of his hiding spot, if only because he felt the sudden and imperative urge to see Magnus’s face.

And oh, what a sight.

He laser-focused on Magnus then, careful to catalog every single face and sound he made, as he took him in hand and did his damn best to bring him over the edge. In the end they finished by hand, because Alec tired quickly and was way too tightly strung to reach any kind of height while still inside the other man. Magnus knew how to handle him though, in the very literal sense of the term.

“How was that?” Magnus asked afterward, as they cuddled naked above the covers. Magnus’s room was always hot and hotter still after they had sex – it made it even harder to move.

“That’s my line,” Alec said again just to be contradictory. And to maybe get a laugh out of Magnus, which was always on his to-do list.

“You’re ridiculous.”

“I’ll do better next time.”

Magnus sighed, both fond and exasperated, and moved enough so that he could nuzzle Alec’s cheek.

“You worry too much dear. It was great.”

“Well then next time will be even greater,” Alec amended.

“I can work with that.”

Magnus got more comfortable on Alec’s side and the younger man was suddenly overcome with a fresh wave of emotions that he couldn’t quite make sense of. He wanted to freeze this moment in time, the warmth and comfort, both physical and emotional, so that he could go back to it later, endlessly, every time they fought, every time he worried, every time life looked bleak and ruthless.

“I love you.”

The words punched out of him, unguarded and heartfelt, and his heart missed a beat. He looked down slowly to gauge Magnus’s reaction.

His boyfriend was fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not super fan of making a huge deal over saying "I love you" so that won't be a big thing, but I feel Alec would agonize over it still.
> 
> Don't forget to comment, don't leave me all alone here. I hope you're still having a good time here and I'll see you soon. Oh, and I'm also doing Inktober this year so you can [check it out](http://inraindrawz.tumblr.com) if you want :) see ya!


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phone calls and setups.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoy! I fast reread this fic to get my timeline right cause I stopped taking notes around chapter 6 and discovered that I had them kiss for the first time on my birthday. Can't remember if I did that on purpose but I'm proud of me all the same. That means they're barely coming to their three-month anniversary. A lot happened in so little time heh. That also means I remembered a lot of shit I talked about at some point so now's as good a time as any to call back on those. Planning done right. I made up most of the birthdays to suit my plot needs.
> 
> Enjoy!

Alec wasn’t too fond of sharing a bed. It made him hyper-aware of every move and anxious to just turn around, and he always ended up getting too hot or too cold. Fortunately for him, not only did Magnus sleep like a stone, he also was far more interested in hugging his pillow than Alec during the night, which means Alec slept free of his movements. It made cuddling session a morning thing that could be fully appreciated after a nice night of sleep.

It was terribly unromantic of him, but Magnus didn’t have to know.

Of course during the week those moments were short-lived, or didn't exist at all. They both had to get up early and go achieve their contribution to modern society. They always took the time to share breakfast though.

Despite his impromptu – and failed – confession, Alec had slept just fine. He had been too tired to freak out, and now, by the dim light of early morning, sipping coffee at Magnus’s countertop with their legs tangled together, he didn’t feel like freaking out either. The thing was, it was true. He was pretty sure he was in love with Magnus, it wasn’t as big of a shock as it could have been. Magnus hadn’t heard him, so he didn’t have to worry about that either.

He decided to take it in stride, drawing from the Simon in him. Compared to his other troubles, this was kind of a non-issue.

They parted on Magnus’s door after a long kiss and Alec was confident this would be a good day.

.

However, as Bridget Jones would say, if one thing starts to work out, another is bound to fall apart. Technically, the Jace situation was already pretty messed up so it didn’t really count, but it could have decided to just resolve itself. He could hope, right?

As it was, when he came back to his house that evening, Jace was waiting for him in his bedroom. He turned a flushed face with red-rimmed eyes towards Alec when he heard him open the door.

He had been crying.

Alec was so taken aback he just stayed there, hand on the doorknob and jaw hanging. He hadn’t seen Jace in days, not since he had approached him last wanting to talk about his issues. Clary had told him he was still at their house, but she hadn’t told him anything was amiss today. Oh well, she wasn’t Jace’s personal assistant after all, nor his probation officer, she wasn’t obliged to inform his siblings of his whereabouts.

But thinking about it, this was kind of what they had been doing for months now. Keeping each other posted on his state and actions like they were spies tailing a mark. It couldn’t be healthy, couldn’t be normal.

“Hey…” Jace croaked weakly, attempting a smile that failed completely. As soon as he opened his mouth to speak again his eyes began to water. They widened, horrified, but there was nothing to do to stop it. He started crying again.

Alec took a few steps forward. There was a pattern to these kinds of things, ever the same even if it had been very long since the last time. He couldn’t speak first and couldn’t offer any gesture of comfort either. Jace had to reach out on his own or he would shut down and run. They had shared a bedroom for months when Jace had come to live with them, just after his father had died. Alec knew the dance.

Jace made the two last remaining steps and rested his forehead on top of Alec’s chest. He had always been shorter but more built than Alec, even when they were children. Alec could have rested his face on his shoulder had he wanted to. But Jace had never comforted Alec.

Generally speaking, Alec didn’t let himself be comforted by anyone.

Jace took a few deep, shaky breaths, trying to get his emotions in check. A lost cause – the boy was an open wound most of the times, driven by his feelings and unable to hide it. Alec wanted to poke and probe, to ask what happened, but he had to refrain. Jace had to talk unprompted, that’s how these things worked. Alec also kept his arms firmly at his sides when he wanted nothing more than to wrap them around Jace’s trembling frame. It wouldn’t be welcomed either.

“I was with Clary,” Jace eventually said. They hadn’t moved at all. Alec was as still as if he was trying to approach a wild animal. Any movement could break the moment, could spook Jace. He didn’t even hum in acknowledgment.

“I was… I was angry. At you. I was saying how this was ridiculous and a string of pretty mean stuff about you. I was getting worked up. She wasn’t saying anything at all.”

Really, Clary had some merits, to put up with it. She had her own temper tantrums too and could be as unreasonable as her boyfriend – Alec found her incredibly childish at times – but she was more in the realm of manageable outbursts than Jace ever was.

“I… you know how I get when I’m like this. I was pacing, gesturing around and I… I don’t know, at some point I raised my arms or something and she…”

Jace was visibly shaking now. He clung to Alec’s shirt. Alec still wasn’t moving. Still, still.

“She… She…”

Jace was getting choked up. Alec aborted his move to raise his arm and hug him.

“She flinched away.” Jace settled down, relaxed minutely. “She… Izzy had it right. She thought I was going to hit her.”

Alec’s chest was getting wet.

“She thought I was going to hit her.”

In Jace’s mind that was something he was incapable of, something he would never do. It was a certitude, to him. Alec could only imagine how it felt realizing that it wasn’t in the mind of the people he loved.

“She’s scared of me. Walking on eggs all the time, mindful of my mood, of my temper. She doesn’t know if she can trust me. Alec, she’s scared of me.”

I know all that, Alec wanted to say. I know all that and more, it’s not new. And you scare us too, and I’m mad at you for not seeing it, and I’m mad at you for seeing it for her and not us. And I’m mad at us for not being enough for you. I’m mad at her, even if I know it’s wrong, it’s not her fault.

He said nothing at all.

“I can’t go on like this,” Jace declared. “You… you’ll help me?”

Alec knew that he resented Clary for being more important to Jace than them. He ought to be mad at him, not her, but alas that’s not how it worked. It didn’t matter anyway. What matters was that Jace was willing to see reason.

“Always Jace, you know that. But you have to take this seriously. No giving up because it’s not good enough, no backing down. This has to be different. For real this time. Okay?”

He felt Jace shake his head against his chest with a pitiful sound. And since Alec liked difficulties, he added carefully, “Magnus can help.”

Jace went rigid but said nothing and didn’t move.

“He can point us to the right people.”

There was a heavy, tense silence, and Alec could almost hear the gears in his brother’s head turning, his brain sorting through his feelings and reactions and deciding what emotion to choose from. Would he get angry or sad, would he be easy or make it harder? It was never predictable. It felt completely random at times.

Finally, after a very long moment of tensed hesitation, Jace grumbled an agreement. Alec did his best to hide his relief and surprise. Maybe they really were onto something this time.

.

_“We’re meeting at my place on Saturday night for Ragnor’s birthday. You’ll be there?”_

Magnus scoffed. “Of course. Who else?”

_“Raphael is coming with Simon. Dot will be there too.”_

“Oh, nice. It’s been a long time since I last saw her.”

_“We’re pitching in for a gift, one of these fancy limited editions he likes, but I guess you’ll buy your own gift?”_

“I’ll still participate with yours. Do you want us to bring anything?”

_“No, don’t worry, Dot will help me cook and Raphael stole some wine from the last party he was forced to attend.”_

Magnus made an amused noise while carefully adding an eraser to the growing tower of office supplies he had been building on the desk since the beginning of their phone call.

“Do you think I could bring Alec?” he finally asked after a short pause. He heard her hum pensively.

_“Yeah, why not?”_

“I’m not sure if Ragnor would be thrilled, he doesn’t seem to like Alec very much…”

_“It’s not that he doesn’t like Alec and you know it. He just doesn’t like your boyfriend, whoever that may be. You plan to keep him around yeah? So the boys will have to get over it eventually.”_

“Still, it’s his birthday. He gets to decide.”

_“Then ask him.”_

“I know him. He’ll say ‘oh yeah, it’s fine” and won’t mean a word of it.”

_“Then you take his words for it and show up with Alec. Will teach Ragnor to stop being so cryptic.”_

“What did he do to you for you to be so mean?”

_“He stood me up at lunch yesterday because he got caught up in a book he was reading. I didn’t have time to eat because I waited for him too long. My heart thrives for revenge.”_

They laugh lightly. There was not much heat behind Cat’s words because they were tragically used to this sort of things from their oldest friend. It was annoying, but unavoidable. They had just learned to accept it.

“Alright, I’ll ask.”

The door to the booth opened abruptly, making him knock over the pile that scattered on the desk. Some pens tumbled to the floor.

Morgenstern was staring down at him with the expression of a father disappointed by a misbehaving child.

"Please keep your personal call out of the office," he said sternly before exiting the room. Magnus stared at his retreating form, an incredulous look on his face. Had the man barged in just for this? Magnus was taking his first break of the day, in a small office designed for taking calls without being interrupted, after spending two hours on the phone making a detailed briefing to a client, like Morgenstern had asked him to.

_“Magnus? You still there?”_

“Yeah yeah…”

_“Was that your new boss? Sound lovely.”_

“Doesn’t he? I have to go. I’ll let you know about Alec. Bye.”

_“Bye.”_

 When he ended the call and looked through the glass wall, he saw Morgenstern smiling at him with a satisfied expression on his face. Magnus forced himself to return it.

.

Alec was hanging out at the diner. He had come to train a bit with Izzy and Lydia, the three of them needing to blow off some steam after a long day of studying and barely making a dent in the amount of work they had to tackle down. The girls were still going at it in the boxing ring, but he was more tired than he had thought and had left them to it in favor of a strawberry milkshake and some coffee. It felt like he hadn’t been there in ages – probably because Jocelyn and Maureen kept complaining about it. He had been both apprehensive and expectant to meet with Clary, but she wasn't in. He knew for a fact she worked the afternoon shift on Wednesday, but he didn't dare ask her mother where she was, in case the woman didn't know what exactly was going on with her. Even if it was unlikely – Clary didn't keep much from her parents, unlike the Lightwood children…

He couldn’t help but remember the last time he had been here with Magnus and hid a worn out sigh. He tried not to think too much about things likes coming out and talking to his parents. He had had a moment of bravery with his mother, but now he was back to wishing the closet he was in was bottomless and without a key. The people working at the diner and the regulars at the boxing ring, they would have an opinion on the matter if he ever came out to them. Nothing would be the same after that, everything would just have to change, and that wasn’t something he was looking forward to at all. Alec didn’t do well with changes and he had had a lot of it in a short period of time. He wasn’t looking for more.

His phone vibrating in his pocket interrupted his gloomy thoughts. He set his coffee cup on the table to fish it out and was pleasantly surprised to see Aline’s smiling face wink at him on the screen.

“Yeah?”

_“Hey Alec! How are you?”_

“Not too bad. You?”

_“I’m fine. I’m more than fine actually, I…_

He could hear the smile in her voice and remembered what she had told him last time. He felt his own smile growing as she stumbled around an explanation.

_“I… There will be, you know, some kind of official family mail or whatever to announce it but I wanted to call you. I did it. I proposed to Helen.”_

“Oh shit, Aline, it’s… congratulations. I… I’m so glad for you.”

 _“You don’t even know what she said!”_ Aline laughed, delighted.

“Have you heard yourself? You sound like you’re high. As if she was going to say anything else anyway. I told you everything would be fine.”

_“I know, I know. But now it’s… it’s for real, you know? She really did say yes? I’m engaged, Alec. I’m marrying Helen.”_

Alec stayed silent for a second, feeling like she needed to process the information even more than he did. Maureen came to the table, curious about his suddenly sunny expression, but he just gestured for a refill and hushed her away, shrugging at her pouting face.

“It’s amazing. How did your parents react?”

He didn’t want to bring her down, but it was an important question. Fortunately, she was too far gone to be anything but perfectly happy at the moment.

_“It will take some time getting used to, but they can’t escape it now. My mom’s just glad she gets to organize a wedding, any wedding really. In a strange way I think they prefer it that way. One less sin maybe? At least now I’ll be a sinner within the sanctity of marriage, even if we can’t get married in front of the church…”_

Both Aline’s and Helen’s family were pretty religious, it had to be a bitter pill to swallow. Aline couldn’t care less though. She was a believer but she never gave much importance to dogmas and traditions. She lived her faith the way she wanted to. The same went for Helen.

_“We’re hoping for a date late in the summer, maybe September next year? My mom is already going nuts, but we don’t want anything too big.”_

“I can’t wait. It’s gonna be great.”

Aline hummed but she fell quiet all of the sudden, hesitating.

 _“It would be a chance for you to… you know, for your family, to see everyone again,”_ she said softly after a while.

He hadn’t thought about it. His father’s side of the family lived far away and they weren’t really close to them, but they were very close to his mother’s side, once. When he was a child they saw them all the time. They spent Christmas together, sometimes traveled together during the summer vacation, called everybody “cousin” because they could never really get what were their family ties exactly. They didn’t meet often and it was always happy times.

It was before though. Before Max.

They didn’t even celebrate much of Christmas anymore.

“Yeah. I hope so. It… would be nice.”

_“How are your parents?”_

Now that was too big of a question. “Let’s keep the depressing stuff for another time okay? Focus on the celebration.”

_“Alright alright. Still with the boyfriend?”_

Alec rolled his eyes. It was a safer topic, but not by much. He hadn’t given her any update though, so he complied.

“Yeah. We had some problems, but I think we dealt with them. It’s nice. It’s… yeah, it’s really nice.”

Nice was a pretty lame way to put it, but he couldn’t find any stronger qualification for now.

_“I’m glad. Hey, maybe you’ll bring him to my wedding!”_

 Alec paused, taken aback. It hadn’t crossed his mind.

“Wow, hum, I don’t…”

_“Relax, I’m just teasing you. For real though, if it keeps going I’ll just have to meet him!”_

“If you were still in New York I would introduce you.”

_“Oh, d’you miss me?”_

He chose not to answer, because he did miss her and didn’t want to admit it. Not that she didn’t know, but he could pretend.

_“I have to go, I have a class soon, but I was just too excited to wait.”_

“It touches me. That… to be one of the first ones to know.”

_“No way I wasn’t calling you as soon as possible. Okay now I really have to go. Talk to you soon!”_

“Yeah. Congrats again! Kiss Helen for me.”

_“Will do!”_

Alec stared at his phone long after the call had ended, lost in thought.

He couldn’t help but picture it. It was almost a year away, who knew how his life would be by then? It was hard to imagine. In one year he would have hopefully graduated, his life would be totally different.

Would he still be with Magnus then? How would their relationship be?

Coming out would mean sharing that kind of thing, too. Picturing Magnus by his side at his cousin’s wedding was equally exhilarating and terrifying. He couldn’t help it though.

His phone pinged with a new message, from Magnus.

_free to have dinner with m friends on saturday?_

One week from now, one month, one year.  Who knew? Maybe.

_Yeah, sure._

Maybe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, in my head that wedding will be in that fic. That gives you an idea of how long this thing could get, although I don't know how many convenient ellipses I'll work into it until then. Maybe it'll be the epilogue, who knows? Certainly not me. A big thank you to all of you who have been reading and commenting this. Have fun on Halloween, bye!


End file.
